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Lewis was panicking. It wasn’t something he did often anymore. 19 years, 19 seasons in Formula 1, 7 World Championships had made him immune to everything. Or so he thought.
7 World Championships weren’t enough to stop him from pacing his room, frantically trying to find something to wear. He had taken practically his entire closet out and laid it out on his bed in an attempt to find something appropriate.
Fuck, but what even was appropriate in this situation? Lewis was, for once, at a complete and total loss. When Nico had extended the invitation to dinner, Lewis didn’t even think of refusing. Not after he had held Nico for the first time in forever, and Nico had cried, and then looked at him with those hopeful eyes, braced for rejection.
No, it was simple. Lewis had accepted the invitation without much thought, and had even thrown out a borderline flirtatious comment.
“You can text me, we do that now.”
God, what was he thinking? It made Lewis cringe to think about it, and how he had practically ran off afterwards. At least Nico had seemingly listened to him. Lewis had nearly gotten his eyes checked when Nico texted him a couple days back, a simple text, just sending a restaurant and asking if they were still on for dinner.
Lewis had stared at his phone for a good minute before his brain caught up with his eyes and he nearly dropped the phone before shakily typing back an affirmative message. Nico had simply responded with a thumbs up emoji, but even that had Lewis’ heart racing.
He really was pathetic.
He critically surveyed the assortment of clothes that were spread out before him. He had looked up the restaurant, and it wasn’t too fancy, but it wasn’t not fancy either. He sighed, dragging a hand down his face. He had spent years building his personal sense of fashion, learning the ropes, learning which designers he wanted to wear, how he wanted to present himself.
He had earned himself a reputation for being one of the most stylish drivers on the grid. But with Nico, he still felt like the kid who didn’t know if he belonged in the paddock.
He didn’t want to seem like he was trying too hard, but he didn’t want to seem like he didn’t care either. He cared. He cared so much. He cared so much his hands shook at the thought of getting back what he and Nico had before 2016. He knew it would never be the same, there was too much that had happened between them, but there was a chance now.
Lewis closed his eyes. And then there was the other matter. Nico had not made a big deal out of his panic attack that day, and Lewis had followed his lead, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. But was that a regular occurrence? Back when they were close, sometimes Nico would get anxious and go to Lewis for reassurance. Even then, Nico hadn’t broken down like he had in the paddock. He would cry loudly, but he was always able to talk through his tears, and explain why he was crying.
This time, Nico had barely been able to talk. Lewis opened his eyes and his brow furrowed. He hoped Nico was doing okay.
He then looked down again. None of that thinking was helping with his current predicament. Lewis tapped his fingers rapidly against the side of his leg. Surely he was overthinking. Surely Nico wouldn’t care too much about what he wore, not after he had found him curled up in a ball having a panic attack.
Boosted by the momentum of this thought, Lewis quickly picked out an outfit that he didn’t think was too fancy, while still being well within his usual style. He quickly checked his jewelry, phone, and wallet before heading out.
The restaurant Nico had chosen wasn’t far from either of their apartments, so Lewis decided to walk there, hoping the fresh air would calm his racing heart and shot nerves.
Lewis strolled down the peaceful Monaco streets, face tilted under his cap to try and avoid detection. He arrived at the restaurant, the door opening with a pleasant jingle, a full 15 minutes earlier than the time they had agreed upon.
To his surprise, he immediately spotted Nico also there, his leg bouncing up and down. Lewis smiled. Even after all these years, Nico’s tells hadn’t changed. It brought Lewis a lot of comfort to know that he still knew Nico, and moreover, that Nico was nervous.
He approached the table and slid into the booth opposite Nico. Nico’s head jerked up from where it was hung, and his lips stretched into a nervous little smile.
“Hallo, Lewis” Nico said, voice wavering but clear. He put his phone face down on the table and shifted so he was facing Lewis fully.
Lewis drank in the sight of him, sitting across from him at this slightly upscale restaurant, almost like a-
No.
Too much, too soon. They were here to talk, to see if they could salvage anything from 2016. Lewis’ hands shook slightly as he smiled back, responding with a “Hey, Nico, how’ve you been?” and picking up the menu.
He kicked himself mentally. How’ve you been, really?
Nico didn’t seem bothered by the impersonal starter, if anything, he looked relieved to not have to start the conversation.
And so on it went, they made small talk about their current lives, Nico talked about his recent divorce with Vivian, and Lewis tried to not look too happy about it, although Nico didn’t seem too cut up. Lewis was glad that the divorce had been an amicable one, all he had known previously was that the two of them were divorcing due to differences in opinion, the bland statement that Nico and Vivian had put out on their social media profiles.
Lewis would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little cheered up by the news, he had already gotten his heart broken once when he learned of Nico’s marriage back in 2014, and he had allowed the hurt at not being included in such an important moment in his best friend’s life to fester into something ugly.
Not that it mattered much, 2016 was inevitable, regardless of Lewis’ feelings towards Nico.
Lewis was grateful that their conversation was kept light, he could feel himself relaxing, letting his guard down, and it seemed Nico was doing the same. Nico looked beautiful in the dim lighting of the restaurant, his face had age lines, probably from raising two daughters, but the haggard, despondent look of 2016, the last year Lewis had allowed himself to really look at Nico, was gone.
Nico was smiling, happy. Happy with him, Lewis. The thought floored Lewis, and it made a warm, tingly feeling spread from his stomach all the way to the tips of his fingers and toes.
At one point, Lewis caught himself staring at Nico’s face, simply basking in the knowledge that they were here together. When was the last time they had done something like this? Toto had forced them to interact a lot during their title fight, but most of the time they would just stare away from each other until Toto gave up. So earlier than that, but it had to have been before Nico announced his marriage because-
“-ewis? Lewis?” Nico drawled out the words, waving a hand in front of Lewis’ face. Lewis jolted a little, then flushed as he realized he’d been completely zoned out.
“Sorry mate,” Lewis got out, flustered by his lack of attention. It was almost worth it though, to see Nico’s face of amusement as he asked “What, am I really that pretty Lew?”
Lewis’ mouth moved before his brain could catch up. “More than you could imagine.”
Nico froze, fork clattering onto his plate from where he dropped it. His eyes were wide, staring at Lewis with something that looked dangerously close to hope. Lewis didn’t dare say anything in his defense, the look in Nico’s eyes was much too raw for that.
For a long moment, the two of them started at each other, the low chatter of the restaurant fading into the background. Lewis wasn’t sure if his face was pale or flushed a deep red, he felt like all the blood was simultaneously rushing to his face, while also draining out of it.
Nico’s usually pale face was flushed a deep red, and his hands had completely stilled and weren’t even trying to pick up the fork he had dropped.
Lewis took a shaky breath in and forced himself to meet Nico’s gaze. He had to be brave. Loathe as he was to admit it, wherever Nico was concerned, Lewis was a fucking coward. Always running away from interviews and deflecting with everything he had whenever asked about Nico.
He had taken the coward’s way out in 2014 when he had callously told the reporters that he and Nico weren’t friends. He had taken the coward’s way out in 2015 and 2016, knowing he could’ve talked to Nico, knowing that Nico wanted them to talk, but too scared about what it might mean.
He had taken the coward’s way out every damn day since Nico won his title, avoiding him like the plague, hiding in his own apartment building and ducking out of sight in the paddock.
Lewis had always been a coward, keeping his cards close to his chest in the hopes it would prevent him from heartbreak. Of course, none of it mattered. Lewis had still cried bitterly in his hotel room the night after Toto had broken the news of Nico’s retirement to him.
Lewis had always taken the easy way out, and it had only led to more sadness and heartbreak, so now he would be brave, and he would look Nico in the eyes after telling him he was pretty and take whatever reaction Nico would have like a man.
Lewis watched Nico’s shaking hands as they gently put his fork back on his plate with bated breath. Lewis’ heart was pounding as Nico opened his mouth and inhaled.
“Are you finished?”
Lewis blinked.
“What?”
“Are you finished?” Nico repeated, awkwardly. “With your food? I just thought-” Nico cleared his throat before continuing. “We could talk outside, um, maybe with a walk or something?”
He fidgeted with the napkin in his lap, and Nico was looking everywhere but Lewis’ face. Lewis smiled fondly, his heart still beating out of his chest. God, he loved Nico. It should have been a staggering thought, but it was something Lewis had come to terms with years ago.
He was in love with Nico, his Nico. His Nico, whom he had karted with and stolen ice cream with. His Nico, whom he had celebrated first podiums, first wins, and joined the same team together.
He loved his Nico, even when they grew distant and cold, when he didn’t get an invite to Nico’s wedding, which hurt, even if he didn’t admit it.
He loved his Nico, even as it tore him up inside to see Nico getting thinner and thinner, scraping paint off of his helmet and picking threads from his gloves to make himself lighter.
He loved his Nico so much he didn’t know what to do with himself, and anger was easier. He loved Nico with everything he was, even before he knew it.
He loved his Nico now, as he asked to leave the restaurant before talking, because he knew Lewis was fiercely protective of his privacy.
Lewis’ heart swelled, and he smiled at Nico, watching his nervous expression transform into one of cautious hope.
“Sure, Nico.”
Lewis stood up, casually waving a waiter over and covering the bill, even as Nico sputtered about him being the one that had invited Lewis out, and therefore he should be the one to pay.
Nico stood up and his hand went to his wallet. But before he could even pull it out and start fumbling with his card, it was stopped.
Lewis gently took his hand and held it between the two of them, running the pads of his fingers over Nico’s knuckles. He could see a faint indent where clearly a ring had sat for many years. His fingers paused at the indent, before rubbing a little circle on that knuckle.
“Let me, Nico,” Lewis said softly, looking intently at where their hands were joined together. “I promise you, it’s really the least I could do, after everything, and besides…” Lewis hesitated, before deciding to go for broke.
“I like taking care of you, I want to take care of you, please, let me.” Lewis finally looked up at Nico. Nico looked floored. All the fight had been drained out of him, but he looked lighter for it.
Taking advantage of Nico’s sudden lack of resistance, Lewis pressed a wad of cash (he didn’t want to wait for his card to be given back, sue him) into the waiter’s hands, tipping profusely as the waiter had politely looked away as Lewis and Nico had their little…
Whatever.
The walk to the door was torture. All Lewis wanted to do was tug Nico out of the restaurant (they’d run out together while holding hands, oh my god they were still holding hands), but Lewis knew he couldn’t risk it.
Discreet as they’d been, it would only take a moment of impulse, a lucky (or unlucky, depending on who was asking) fan, and a camera, and all Lewis would hear about for the foreseeable future was his relationship with his ex-rival.
As much as it would bother Lewis, he knew it would bother Nico more. Nico had tried so hard to separate his public image from Lewis’ after he retired, and Lewis wasn’t stupid, he realized that it was almost definitely a result of the fact that the two of them had been inseparable for so long, and seeing Lewis everywhere wasn’t healthy for Nico, especially after 2016.
It hurt, but Lewis had accepted it long ago.
Being discovered would make Nico panic, Lewis knew. The thought of finding Nico in a similar state as Montreal made Lewis’ stomach turn unpleasantly. He would protect Nico to the best of his ability, even if it meant walking extra casually through the restaurant even as Lewis wanted to run.
The crisp, Monaco air hit Lewis as he stepped out, hand still intertwined with Nico’s. He turned to look at Nico, who was nervous but not uncomfortable.
Nico cleared his throat. “So you think I’m pretty?”
“I do.”
Nico stared at Lewis like he had just told him he was retiring. Maybe it was too early to be making jokes like that, even to himself, Lewis mused.
Nico’s mouth opened and closed multiple times before he made a little noise of frustration and huffed.
“I’ve had the words to apologize to you for so long, ever since I read that letter you gave to Toto for me. I’ve wanted to talk to you for so long, but we just started avoiding each other, even when we lived in the same building, and it was easier to just continue that than find you and apologize.”
Nico took a deep breath before continuing.
“I’m so, so, sorry Lewis. I never meant for the fight between us to get that bad. We drifted apart, and every time I noticed something small, like how we wouldn’t hang out after races, I’d say to myself that I’d talk to you about it the next time, and before I knew it, we had crashed, again and again, and I was too scared that you hated me to do anything.”
“I’m sorry for shutting you out, I’m sorry for not inviting you to my wedding, I’m sorry for not being brave enough to tell you how I felt.”
Lewis’ heart jumped into his throat from where it had been thudding quickly throughout Nico’s apology.
“How you felt?” Lewis managed to ask.
“I love you.”
Nico looked like he had been waiting years to say those words, and maybe he had. Lewis couldn’t spare any brainpower into trying to figure out what Nico was thinking or feeling, not over the chaos that was happening in his own mind.
He had not dared hope, not when he had held Nico in Montreal, not during the dinner, and not even when Nico had started his apology. Lewis had convinced himself that he would be content to simply be friends with Nico again.
Who was he kidding?
Lewis loved him back, loved him with everything he had.
Overcome by emotion, Lewis pulled Nico into a fierce, protective hug that he hoped conveyed the depth of feelings. But just in case it didn’t-
“I love you too, Nico.”
Nico’s body physically relaxed against his own. Shaking hands came up and wrapped themselves around Lewis’s broad back and squeezed.
Neither of them said anything for a while, content to just stand in each other’s arms, gently swaying in the breeze.
When Nico finally made a move to pull away, Lewis made a noise of discontent.
Lewis flushed, but Nico only chuckled and brought a hand up to cup Lewis’ cheek.
“I don’t want to rush you, Lewis, but would you like to come back to my place tonight?”
Lewis swallowed. God, he wanted to, so badly, but-
“Aren’t your girls going to be there? Not that I don’t want to see them,” Lewis quickly added. “Just-”
“Don’t worry,” Nico interrupted. “Since I travel so much during this part of the season, the girls are with Vivian for now.”
Lewis let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
“I’d really like that” Lewis said softly, almost a whisper. He was so nervous, but trying hard not to show it. He thought he was doing a pretty good job too, until Nico smiled that knowing smile of his, and ran his thumb over Lewis’ cheekbone.
It was a subtle gesture, but one that screamed I see you, I know you, to Lewis.
He shakily exhaled, knowing there was no point in trying to pretend anymore. He let himself be gently led to Nico’s waiting car.
fin.