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it's crazy how i used to visit your town like a tourist
“Look,” Rose said “You can keep pretending you don’t want to be on this team and that you actually believe in this ‘I hate everything’ act you’ve been putting on. Or you can just suck it up and come back.”
Why she was helping Tim try to bring back the one person who would have her kicked out the second she set foot in that T shaped tower again was beyond her, but there she was. Tim had tried his shot, maybe she would listen to someone who wasn't as emotionally involved.
Her, Tim and Eddie had been looking for Cassie for months now, Rose listening to Tim going on and on about how she was such an important friend. How great the Young Justice was, how he and Cassie and dead Superboy and Kid Flash were chosen to bring the Titans back to a new generation. He never got to how it all fell apart, but they all knew it did.
Now they had found her in her mother's neighbourhood, visiting her after leaving a Kryptonian cult or something like that.
“Don’t act like you know anything about me, Rose.” Cassie said. She was so close Rose could feel her heavy breath on her face.
Cassie was right, Rose didn't know her. But she knew anger, which was what had probably driven Cassie to that cult in the first place and what was written all over Cassie's face: in the shadow her frowned brows cast upon her blue eyes and that scowl that looked too much like pouting for Rose to take seriously. What Rose didn't know was what it was like to still have a mother to come home to, or to have a team where she got in because they actually wanted her, not because Nightwing made Robin promise he would help set her straight.
So, yeah, Rose couldn't feel sorry for Cassie like Tim seemed to. Not when all those people actually cared enough to go after her, including herself, apparently.
“You-” Rose started saying, then stopped herself. She was not going to be one more person begging Cassie to stay. If Tim wanted her back so badly, let him deal with her.
She passed through Cassie without saying another word and turned back toward the Titans' jet they had used to get there, but before she could get to it, Cassie grabbed her by the wrist.
“What?” Rose asked, pushing her arm out of her grasp.
Cassie didn't answer, she stood there looking at Rose from head to toe like she was a puzzle Cassie thought she could solve. Rose took a step forward, her hand slid to her back towards one of her swords, if Cassie wanted to stare at her she could give her a better view.
“Girls.” Eddie said, getting between them. ”We’re not here to fight.”
“Cassie,” Tim said. “Come back to the tower with us. Let's talk, just you and me.”
You and me, Rose thought, The real Titans.
“Fine.” Cassie said. “But not because I buy your best friends forever speech, Tim. But because the Titans should mean something, carry a legacy, and I don’t know if I trust you and this bunch you chose to do that.”
What a stuck up, self righteous brat, Rose thought. She bit her tongue so she wouldn't say anything, there was no come back answer that would change Tim’s mind, and she would be one step closer to being kicked out if she made Cassie change hers.
The flight back to the tower was a silent, awkward and thankfully short one. Rose watched as Tim led Cassie to her old room as soon as they got there.
“It won't change anything.” Eddie said. He, too, was left behind.
Rose didn't answer, Eddie could be so naive sometimes. Cassie sure as hell would mess up her life.
*
"You skipped practice,” Cassie said. She was sitting on the couch in the living room when Rose got back from a whole morning of avoiding coming back to the tower before everyone else had left. She had obviously miscalculated the timing though, or just underestimated Cassie's will to be on her case, considering that she looked like she was waiting to catch Rose like a prey.
“I know,” Rose answered, walking past her. She sure did skip practice, she did not feel like listening to Cassie and Tim lecturing her on how to be more like them and less like herself at six in the morning.
“Where were you?” She heard Cassie asking from her back.
“Look,” Rose turned around. “Don't think that just because I'm putting up with Tim's nostalgic, idealistic need of you being here that it means that I have to answer to you.”
“It's not about me, Rose, it's about you not committing to this team. If we agreed on practice first thing in the morning, the whole team should be there, that includes you.”
Cassie had gotten up now. Rose stepped closer to her until there was nothing stopping them from making that argument physical except for crossed arms and self restraint.
“I didn't agree to anything.”
“You didn't protest either.”
“You want to practice that badly?” Rose asked. She also did not feel like being lectured in the evening, or ever. “Let's do it. Just us two.”
Cassie narrowed her eyes, then nodded. She left the room first, Rose following behind.
“Take this,” Cassie threw Rose a staff when they got to the training room. Rose took it and Cassie got one herself, then she started putting her hair up with a hair tie she was wearing on her wrist.
Rose silently watched as Cassie struggled for a few seconds to get all of her hair to fit in the tiny tie using only one hand, which she managed to do eventually, leaving her neck exposed. Rose felt her skin flushing in annoyance, why was Cassie even wasting their time with that when they would end up all messed up anyway?
“Ready?” Cassie asked, standing in front of Rose.
“For a while now.”
Rose struck first, using the staff, which Cassie dodged before it could hit her. Rose could see Cassie's next move and avoided it by using her staff as a shield against Cassie's, the metal slamming against metal making a loud, tinckling sound.
Then Cassie jumped, it was so quick Rose almost didn't see it coming. She would've made her fall if Rose hadn't acted instantly, she pointed the staff to Cassie's chest, the hit making her lose balance and fall to her side. Rose got to her before she could get up.
“Is this what I missed this morning?” Rose said. She was now on top of Cassie, her hands pressing both of Cassie's shoulders against the floor. “You were right, I shouldn't have skipped.”
“You are serious, aren't you?” Cassie asked from under her, she had this look on her face, like she had finally found the last piece of Rose's puzzle she was trying to put together since they met by her mother's house.
“About what?” Rose let go of her shoulders.
“About being part of the team.”
“I don't owe you reassuran-”
“Just answer.”
“Of course I am.”
She let Cassie go and sat on the floor, leaning her back against the wall. Cassie sat next to her, making sure to leave some space between them.
“I can tell by the way you fight,” Cassie started saying. “You aren't as ruthless as the last time I've seen you.”
“Well, I wasn't exactly myself the last time you've seen me.”
“Yeah, I know, having deadbeat dads is a common Titan trait. Me, you, and…”
She stopped mid sentence like she had reached forbidden territory.
“Superboy.” Rose said.
Cassie nodded.
“I've been harsh on you, on all of you. Eddie's a great guy and Tim, well, he's doing his best. And you…” She paused. “I think we can work this out.”
Now, that was a surprise. Rose had been convinced Cassie was determined to get rid of her, now she was saying she wanted to put in the effort for both of them to stay.
“I think… yeah, if you stop getting on my case.”
Cassie laughed. “If you start showing up in time.”
She offered Rose her hand, and Rose took it. It was a close deal.
you kissed my neck, made our paths intersect till the two lines formed a circle
Rose managed to avoid Cassie's fist this time as easily as she would an elephant. Training together on days off of team training had become a habit for them for the past week and Rose was getting better at reading Cassie's body language, enough to tell she was way too slow and off balance.
“Are you all right?” She asked Cassie.
“Yeah.” Cassie said, getting ready to try another shot.
“Hey,” Rose grabbed her tightly closed hand midair. "Come on, you're completely off your game. What happened?”
“I've just been in my head a lot.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
And they were back to practice, Cassie failing another strike. It felt like dancing in some way, the way Cassie was leading Rose’s defensive moves, until Rose got tired of the round and round and shoved Cassie down with barely any effort.
“I thought you were the one who wanted to take training seriously.” She said, above Cassie yet again.
She hadn't bothered immobilizing her this time, her hands were on the floor instead of over her shoulders and her face closer to Cassie's than last time, so close she could…
She suddenly felt Cassie's leg brushing against hers, entrancing her lower body, making her lose balance. How could she not see it coming? Maybe she was the one who was off her game. Now Cassie had turned it around, she was the one hovering over Rose, her legs pressed tightly against hers and her hands on Rose's shoulders. There was no way Rose could free herself from Cassie's grasp now.
She looked at Rose, that puzzled expression back to her face. Rose tried to avoid it, but the closest focal point would be Cassie's neck exposed by her ponytail, which she wanted to avoid just as much.
“You can let me go already.” Rose said, her head turned to the side.
“Sorry.” Cassie said, loosening her grip over Rose, but still on top of her. Rose forced herself to look her in the eyes again.
“You can also get out of-”
That's as far as she got to say before Cassie kissed her. So gently and fast, she would've thought she had imagined it had Cassie's cheeks not been so red.
“Sorry.” Cassie apologized again. Then she started moving like she finally intended to get up, but, before she could, Rose grabbed the back of her neck, pulling her closer, and kissed her.
Cassie froze for a moment, like she was confused, like she hadn't kissed Rose first.
“You-” Rose started saying, but Cassie shut her up, kissing her again, this time not fast or gently but slowly and hungrily.
And then there was no more hesitating or trying to form sentences, Rose could feel Cassie’s body relaxing over her as the kiss got deeper. She tightened the grip over her neck, trying to get her even closer. She could feel Cassie’s soft skin getting hotter at her fingertips, she went down and kissed her neck, realising she wanted to do that for the longest time.
i melt with you, your red and my blue, now i see the world in purple
“We need to stop staying up so late.” Cassie said.
It had been half a month since the kiss, now one of many. They were in the tower’s kitchen and it should be around two in the morning, Cassie was sitting on the balcony, her arms wrapped around Rose's shoulders, who was standing right before her.
Rose couldn’t tell if it started by chance or if they did it on purpose, but it had become routine for them to meet up like that, late at night. There was now some unspoken promise between them to be together every free night they had, when it was late enough for them to feel like they were the only two people in the world. One of them just waited for the other to come by the hallways, no invitation. Which was great, because Rose would never ask Cassie to meet her, just as she would never skip a single chance to.
“I'm not that good at sleeping anyway.” Rose said, kissing Cassie's lips, her hands over her tights.
“Not something to be proud of.”
“I can’t sleep easily, you’re choosing not to, that’s worse.”
“Damn it, I guess it is,” Cassie laughed. “I like it, you know, spending time with you.”
“I can tell.” Rose said.
“Hey!” Cassie shoved her shoulder jokingly. “Not just like that.”
Rose went to sit beside her by the balcony, she took Cassie's hand in hers. “I like spending time with you, too.”
It was weird to say that out loud, it felt too vulnerable to put into words, and vulnerability was something Rose had made sure to make into a habit to avoid. Still it felt right to say it, maybe because it was the plain, simple truth.
“You know, when I first saw you, I thought we had something in common.”
“That we were both pissed off at each other.”
“Yeah.” Cassie rolled her eyes, then held Rose's hand tighter. “Maybe that too, but I could tell you were just as angry as I was and that it was all bottled up.”
Rose sure had a lot to be angry about, not now, though, not when she was with Cassie, it was like she made it all disappear. But she wasn't about to tell her that.
“I do know anger pretty well.” Rose said instead.
“When I first agreed to come back,” Cassie continued “I thought I would feel like that forever. I still feel like it's all bottled up sometimes, but it's different.”
“Different how?”
“I’m more angry about things getting into place again, about time passing. Does that make sense? Shouldn't I be happy about that?”
“It does make sense, after I lost my mom I felt exactly like that. I can't say it will get better but you will think less about the pain eventually.”
Cassie fell silent, Rose wished she could say something that would actually make her feel better but she knew better than anyone that no words could ever do that.
“But, like you said, things are getting into place.” She said anyway, tracing Cassie's jawline with her free hand. It wouldn’t hurt to try and light things up a little. “If I tried to get this close to you a few weeks ago you would’ve tried to push me to the floor.”
Cassie smiled and Rose felt her heart do something weird, she did that, she had made Cassie smile.
“And I would’ve succeeded”
“You wish, princess.”
“I totally hold back when fighting you.”
“You do not, you are strong but…”
“You think I’m strong?”
“Isn’t it a fact?”
“I know, I just liked hearing you say it.”
Cassie closed the distance between them, her lips were warm over Rose’s. She let her forehead rest over Rose’s, looking into her eyes.
“We should go to sleep, shouldn’t we?” Cassie asked.
“Absolutely.”
But none of them showed any intention of leaving the room.
melt with you till it all turns black
I’m so dumb, Rose thought. She waited for Eddie and Tim to leave the living room before turning to Cassie.
“Rooftop?” She asked.
Cassie followed her, she seemed reluctant about it. Rose knew why – she was holding something from her, and she knew what it was.
“You know, I thought we were keeping us a secret because you wanted to take things slow or because of some teamwork code bullshit, but it’s really because you don’t want Tim to know.” Rose said, it was not a question. She noticed Cassie was acting weird during breakfast, she asked what was wrong, she - God forbid, apparently - held her hand instinctively when doing so. Cassie pushed her hand away, like Rose had the plague and she was some anemic peasant girl. Rose saw all too well the worried look she had towards Tim when it happened.
“I didn’t mind it.” Rose continued, since Cassie stayed silent. “Keeping it private, late night meetings, no one to bother us. I knew someone would question it, what was I doing to girl scout Wonder Girl? And I didn’t want anyone questioning what I… What’s it really about to you, Cassie?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Cassie said. Rose felt her heart drop, followed by all the veins of her body pumping under her skin. There was all the anger Cassie made her forget, brought back by her, how poetic. Only now she felt it ten times worse – it simply didn’t matter? “I can’t stay.”
“What do you mean? You’re leaving?”
Cassie nodded.
“Because of me?”
“No, because I can’t be here, it’s not right.”
“You don’t actually believe that.” Rose said. They were on different ends of the rooftop, Cassie by the edge, Rose by the door. She felt her voice get muffled by the wind and Cassie out of reach. She got closer, it helped with her voice and nothing else, the distance between them was more than physical.
“I tried. It just doesn’t feel right, Rose.” Was she still talking about being in the team? Or was it about them? Rose couldn’t tell.
“Because of Tim.”
“No,” Cassie said, avoiding looking Rose in the eye. “But you’re right, I didn’t want him to know about you and me.” No surprise there, Rose waited for her to continue. “Not because of what you’re thinking, I’m… I feel like I shouldn't move on, Tim didn’t. He’s miserable, he tries to act like he isn’t, but I can tell.”
“So you will keep yourself miserable just to keep up with him?”
“No, I’ve been having this gut feeling, like I’m not in the right place at the right time, ever. I shouldn’t be back here when Conner can’t be, it's like you said, I will think less about it eventually. But I'm not ready, not yet.”
“So you’d rather leave than work on that?” Rose asked.
You’d rather leave and be miserable and angry and alone than staying and being with me, Rose thought.
Cassie didn’t answer, she got closer to Rose and stood there right in front of her, holding her arm with one hand like she didn’t know what to do with it or like she wanted to do something but was stopping herself.
“Fine.” Rose finally said, “When will you leave?”
“Tonight.”
Rose nodded. Ask me to go with you, the words were screaming in her head, almost slipping through her tongue, ask me to leave everything behind and follow you and I will.
But Cassie didn’t ask her that, Rose knew she wouldn’t, still she waited for Cassie to say something, to say anything that would make her feel less like a fool.
Cassie reached out her hand for Rose, almost touching her face, but Rose avoided it before she could feel her hand on her skin.
“Don’t you dare thinking,” Rose finally broke the silence. “That I will beg for you to be here like everybody else does.”
“You think I’m leaving for that? For attention?”
“I think you need your ego to be fed, you’re so needy, you have to go berserk and wait for someone who cares about you enough to go and pity you. That may work on your super friends, Cassie, not on me.”
“Is that what you really think I'm like?”
“Yes.”
“You still don't know me at all.”
“I do know you.” Rose lied, she wasn't so sure of that anymore. If she did know her she would've seen this coming. “You went to me because you missed the attention of being seeked out. You kissed me,” like you were in love with me “but got bored when you realised I wouldn't bow down at your feet like your old friends did.”
“You're being fucking unfair.” Now Cassie was yelling just as loud as Rose. “You don't know a thing about my relationship with my friends, you don't even know a thing about how I feel about you.”
She pointed a finger to Cassie's chest. “I'm being unfair? You weren't even gonna tell me you're leaving.”
“I couldn't bring myself to, I…” Cassie started saying, then stopped.
“Because you don't give a damn about me.”
She stupidly waited for Cassie, again, to say something, to tell her she was wrong.
“You're a Titan, of course I care about you.” Cassie finally said, that was worse than if she had said she hated her. She was nothing to Cassie, they were bound by a borrowed name laid upon them by other heroes. As soon as she left, they would be even less than teammates.
Cassie was right, Rose didn't know a thing about how she felt about her, not until now.
Rose headed towards the door, she didn't feel like arguing anymore. Some dumb part of her wished Cassie would try to stop her, to hold her by the wrist like she did that day many weeks ago, when they were tracking her. But Rose didn't wait a second for her this time, she closed the door behind her as soon as she got out of the rooftop.
She could hear Cassie flying up from the roof, that was it, it was over.