Chapter Text
Abstraction isn’t what he had expected.
He had hoped for nothingness, oblivion. Death.
He didn’t get his wish.
He saw his Dad. Tall and strong like he remembered him in his childhood. The man he was supposed to be. His Dad was teaching Caine to play basketball. Jax sat on the sidelines, longing to join but knowing he wasn’t good enough. Too much of a sissy.
Ragatha berated him. She had found the bag of weed he had hidden in his pillowcase. He should’ve hidden it better. Of course, Ragatha would be the one to find it, take it like a personal offence.
She was crying, yelling, begging him not to leave.
Of course he needed to leave.
He couldn’t stay in this house another damn day. He needed to run, get away from this damn room before Ribbit could turn this on him like they should’ve done already.
She was smiling at him, but was that really a smile or was it pity? He didn’t need pity. This woman was looking at him like he was begger. Sure, he didn’t have a home right now, but he didn’t need her pity or her crumpled twenty.
He was fine.
Sure, he was freezing but he’d survive. He survived the night before, hadn’t he?
Why were they looking at him like that?
He didn’t need Zooble’s half-hearted pity, or Ragatha’s fake smile or the way Gangle was looking at him like all he’d done didn’t matter.
He needed Pomni to stop looking at him like that.
He couldn’t say no to her.
Why couldn’t he do it?
He should’ve shoved her away when she’d come to say goodbye. He didn’t know why he let her in. Willed those memories on her. Willed her to run. Run like you should. Like he would.
At least he’d got to say goodbye.
He hoped she was okay. Hoped he hadn’t hurt her.
He saw everything around him and nothing clearly. Neon shapes swelled and lunged. He sprinted long hallways that never seemed to end.
He heard Ribbit’s laugh, his mother screaming.
He needed to get somewhere. Do something but he didn’t know what.
Something was hunting him.
Who was screaming? Was it her? Was it him?
At some point the voices dimmed. It was almost peaceful.
He was walking.
Down, down, down a long staircase. He tried to see the end, but it kept going as far as the eye could see. The walls were smooth concrete. He wished the lights would stop flickering. He kept going. There was somewhere he needed to be. Maybe it was at the end of this hallway. Maybe that was it.
The walls were sweating.
The steps were soft, his feet sunk with each step, but he extended his hands, steadied himself on the wall. He saw a turn coming, maybe that was the end. He kept walking. His ears were buzzing.
It was getting closer. He quickened his pace despite the glass on the stairs cutting into his feet.
He was bleeding. He hadn’t bled in years. He kept going.
He came to the corner. Turned.
The staircase continued. Down, down, down, as far as the eye could see. He kept walking.
It was the charity shelter, that was where he was going. He usually wasn’t so desperate, usually could scrape things together on his own but today he was too tired. Just a bit further and he’d finally get some food in his belly.
He felt a hand brush his side gently.
“Jax?”
What was she doing here?
He needed food.
“I wanted… I wanted to talk to you again.”
He would talk to her never.
He was dead. Fucking dead. Couldn’t she get that through her head? Or code or whatever. He wasn’t coming back.
“I figured, like it worked before right?”
He was getting there, another corner, another bend, it would be okay he just needed her to leave.
“Caine fixed me up, so yeah. Oh yeah, he’s back, by the way. I’m sure you’ve got questions. I can explain.”
She wasn’t making any sense.
Just a bit further.
He didn’t care anymore. He was dead, couldn’t she get that through her head? Maybe, maybe for just a second in her arms he hadn’t wanted to leave but it was too late now.
She should go, go, go scrape some meaning out of this digital purgatory.
Go make out with Ragatha, everyone knows she needs it.
Dead. Dead, he was dead.
It was a good thing. Gangle and Zooble could fuck in peace. Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe she could be happy, somehow. Hopefully. Maybe he was wrong, but he wouldn’t be a there to find out. He was almost at the turn.
“Please, Jax.” Her voice cracked.
No.
He turned the corner to see more staircase. Just a bit further.
He finally tripped.
Down, down, down.
Someone was screaming.