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Hayden requested they hang out earlier, so now they’re sitting on Shane’s hotel bed talking about Jackie and the kids. This was a common topic of their conversations ninety percent of the time. The rest was usually about hockey. Shane loved Jackie—and the kids—but sometimes he wanted to talk about Ilya. Hayden still hadn’t come around to their relationship, but if he could listen to the sex talk about Hayden’s wife, surely Hayden could handle him talking about sex with his boyfriend. He never had anyone around him to talk to about it all. He could call Rose, but it was never certain she’d have the time to listen to the dirty details. Even though he knew she’d appreciate it, she was still busy with her schedules. Hayden was always around on the road though, so it would be nice to be able to talk to him for a change.
“So, I was wondering if you would be okay with me talking about Ilya sometimes?”
“Did something happen? You can always let me know if he does something.” Hayden looked panicked, “I knew that asshole wa—”
“What?” Shane shook his head in confusion, “no, Hayd, I just mean sometimes I’d like to talk about my boyfriend the same way you talk about your wife.”
Hayden settled back into the bed—seemingly disinterested—mumbling, “what’s there to say? You guys hardly see each other.”
Shane was caught somewhere between a laugh and a scoff, “you hardly see Jackie and the kids too when we’re on the road, so how does that matter?”
Hayden’s posture changed, and he cleared his throat, “well, what do you wanna tell me about?”
Shane had a sudden rush of anxiety. This sounded like a nice idea initially, but the moment it set in that he wanted to talk about Ilya to Hayden—it no longer sounded wise. Hayden wasn’t exactly tolerant of Ilya, and he never realized how much that impacted him until right now. All he wanted to do was have a normal gossip session with his friend, and he couldn’t muster up the courage. Guys talk about girls like this all the time. Wife, girlfriend, or random hook-up, Shane has heard all the raunchiest details about them so carefree and casually in the locker room. It was unfair that he had nobody to relate to, and his own friend couldn’t put it aside, to provide him that space, knowing the locker room would never be a safe option.
“Shane?”
Hayden’s voice startled him out of his spiraling, “yeah?”
His voice sounded pathetically childish—and shy—for a man pushing his thirties. He’d been made to feel small so often. Something he thought he’d grown out of after a decade long sexual relationship with a man he was now romantically serious with. A man he was planning a future with. He was having all these experiences and nobody to share them with for the hell of it. He shouldn’t need a reason to talk to his friend. He was overthinking.
“Just say what you want to, dude, no judgment here. Was there something in particular you wanted to get off your chest?”
Shane took a breath, “yeah, but—” Shane hesitated, “just to check, you’d be cool if I also talk about sexual things, right?”
Hayden’s eyes widened at the question, but he nodded. Albeit, wearily.
“Yeah, I mean of course you two still get up to…stuff, when you can.”
Shane didn’t like how unsure Hayden sounded. He sounded like he was trying to convince himself that sex between two men was just as normal as sex between a man and a woman. Shane was disheartened by the clear discomfort. It wasn’t exactly reassuring, but maybe he should stop overthinking it.
“Okay, good,” Shane smiled recalling the exact thing he wanted to talk about first, “you know how I left on Halloween?”
Hayden nodded. His face was blank.
“I went to go visit, Ilya, and you should've seen the look on his face when I showed up. He wasn’t expecting me,” Shane was smiling thinking back to the dreamy look on Ilya’s face. He missed him all the time, so he looked forward to seeing him when he could. “He looked so hot in his gladiator costume too—like one of those Greek gods or statues—and I never realized how much the online gossip was true.”
Hayden scrunched his brows together, “what online gossip?”
Shane was relaxing the more he talked. He was happy that Hayden was showing some signs of active listening, “Rose told me there’s all these posts online that are displaying drawings of him and talking about how perfect Ilya would fit the role of Achilles. You know the demigod, right? They’re also saying he looks like one of those carved statues.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard of Achilles,” Hayden stopped for a moment, “Jackie read a gay book once about him. I think it was for her book club?” Hayden paused to think, probably trying to recall the name, but he couldn’t. “Anyway, is he really that hot to people they’re comparing him to like Greek art and gods?”
Shane rolled his eyes, “you’re straight, but you’re not blind, Hayd. You don’t have to like him to admit my man is hot.”
Hayden wrinkled his nose in disgust, “he’s all yours.”
Shane waved him off—trying not to take the reaction personally—he wouldn’t press the idea.
“Anyway, it was a total wet dream come to life, and I have never been more grateful I chose to prep myself and wear a plug on the way there. I don’t think I could’ve waited for Ilya to get me ready.”
Shane was blissful amidst his recollection of it all before his nerves grew at Hayden’s question.
“Is plugging something gay people do?” Hayden’s eyes were vacant as he took Shane in, “why were you wearing a plug?”
Shane wasn’t sure if he wanted to explain it, but—if he was going to try and be open—there were things he’d have to compromise on for the sake of getting comfortable with Hayden. Explaining this was the first hurdle.
“Sometimes, people will wear plugs. It’s normal.” Shane started biting his nails, “um, I can’t lubricate naturally, obviously, and I need to be stretched in order to—” Shane swallowed harshly, “in order for Ilya to, you know, fuck me. So I prepped with lubrication and I used a plug so we could skip all of that when I got there. Does that make sense?”
He wasn’t expecting Hayden to be engaging and curious, but he wasn’t expecting the disgust that was currently instilling shame for being open about his sex life and the mechanisms of two men having sex.
“But you’re like the best player in the league…how are you the one taking it?”
Shane looked away briefly, swallowing the bile crawling up his throat, “those two things don’t correlate.”
Hayden moved away slightly. Shane wondered—like in other instances—if Hayden thought he wouldn’t notice the change in his demeanor. This was part of it though. Hayden had only known him one way, so his assumptions, while annoying, weren’t necessarily a problem. He was ignorant.
“I prefer to bottom. That’s what it’s called. I like the way it feels to be taken care of and not have to think so hard about everything. It works because Ilya prefers topping, and he’s really good at it. He knows what I like, and he cares about my comfort.”
Hayden was quiet for an unnerving amount of time, so Shane tried to elaborate further.
“Sometimes, I’m kind of on top though. Ilya likes it when I ride, for instance. He also sometimes likes it when I take care of him, but it’s never fully topping. I don’t want to top fully. I’m happy the way it is.”
Hayden shook his head rapidly as if to shake the thoughts from his mind, “so, you let him fuck you like he fucked girls? What’s the point? Wouldn’t it just be easier for him to stay with girls?”
Shane was trying to process the words, but Hayden kept on.
“Doesn’t this seem weird to you? He’s just stringing you along because you’re Shane Hollander. Once he gets his fill, he’ll just leave you for a woman. It’s much easier. I mean, I can’t imagine having to do all that excess work when a vagina doesn’t need all that.”
Shane was irritated, “Hayden, you’re being mean.”
Hayden seemed frustrated, “but it’s true! You’re probably on your knees too—on top of taking it like some chick—and you’re too manly to be doing that. I mean, you’re the hottest guy in the league. Doesn’t the idea of all these people speculating about you taking it make you uncomfortable?”
Shane scoffed, “no, I don’t care about what fantasies people have about me. I’m happy, so why would I be concerned with that?”
Hayden ignored the question, “men don’t like actually do that though. I never really thought much about the mechanics of it, but this certainly wasn’t what I expected. I thought you were the one giving it to him. You know, being the dominate one, not the one on your back. Is this the compromise? You conquer him on ice, but he conquers you in bed.”
Shane crossed his arms, “jeez, Hayd, if I’d known you were going to be this way, I wouldn’t be so open with you. I thought you’d be okay with it the way I’m okay when you talk about Jackie.”
“That’s not the same, Shane.”
Shane tilted his head—his eye twitching—out of annoyance, “and how is it not the same? I’m gay and you’re straight. If I can listen to you about straight sex, why is it so difficult to listen to me about gay sex?”
“Well, you’ve had sex with women, and I’ve never done stuff with a guy. You get it. I don’t.”
Shane was losing his patience, “that’s not fair, you don’t know what it’s like to fucking hate yourself and struggle to come to terms with the fact you like men in a world where men think like you! You’ve never been in a closeted relationship with a man because you’re fucking straight, Hayden. You get to have a loud relationship and talk about your attractions all the time. I only had sex with women because I thought that’s what I had to do. I thought, I just hadn’t found the right one. But that wasn’t the case. The only time I’ve ever felt good during sex was with men, but—even with other men—it never felt as good as how it felt with Ilya.” Shane was not going to let a tear fall, but he knew his eyes were giving him away during their argument, “contrary to popular belief, Hayden, you don’t need to have the exact same experiences in life to simply show up and be a good friend.”
Hayden seemed disinterested in the long-winded rant because of course he wouldn’t take it seriously. He only cared about his own comfort. Hayden never cared about what he had to say, or this wouldn’t be their current predicament.
“It’s not my fault that I’m straight. It’s not like I think this is how it should be!” Hayden sighed, but continued digging his grave, “I just didn’t expect you to be so happy being like a girl in a relationship. I guess it kind of makes sense though. Rozanov likes women still, and you never did. So, he would be the one giving it, and you’d be the one taking it. It’s something familiar for you both.”
“I’m not a fucking girl!” Shane was over it. “Not that there’s anything wrong with women, but I’m not one just because I’m with a man, and I like getting fucked.” Shane cleared his throat, “do you even realize how misogynistic and homophobic you sound?”
Hayden stared at him before bursting out into laughter, “dude, I’m married to a woman, and I’m best friends with you—a gay guy—if you didn’t know.”
“That’s not how that works. You can still be misogynistic and like women, and you can still be homophobic with a gay friend. Your tolerance doesn’t absolve you of bigotry or suddenly make you an ally. You have to actually care and be willing to understand these issues.” Shane was struggling to hold on to the last ounce of patience he had.
Hayden sighed—sounding exhausted—letting his head fall back, “you sound like one of those fucking blue-haired liberals. It’s not that deep, buddy.”
“It is that deep for me! I can’t just turn it off and pretend, and it’s concerning how you discuss me and my relationship.” Shane couldn’t muster up anymore frustration. He was tired of it.
“It’s the excuses for me, Shane. It’s like you’re blind to the obvious. What you say makes it seem like Ilya shouldn’t have to take a turn simply because you enjoy it, and I don’t know how to accept the image of you—of all people—taking dick the way all the women Ilya was messing with before were. Doesn’t that bother you? You’re just like any other girl to him, but you have the status of being the league’s best. It makes me sick thinking about it. It’s like he’s—”
“Get out.”
Hayden sighed, but started collecting his items, “I’m just looking out for yo—”
“I said get out. We’re done here. You and I might be teammates, but that’s all we are. Show up and do your best tomorrow, Pike.”
Hayden stared back at him dumbfounded by his concluding statement. He was done. He couldn’t sit and listen to it any longer. He wouldn’t let someone sit around and disrespect him under the guise of concern. Hayden should be more concerned with his ideologies. Shane shoved Hayden toward his hotel door, opening it to push Hayden out before he turned around to try and talk to him again.
“Shane—”
“I pity you, I pity the people around you, and I pity myself for sitting here and accepting this type of behavior when all I wanted to do was help you understand. I just wanted a friend. I’m done with it. Believe what you want about me, but I’m done taking it. Think what you want about Ilya too, but he’d never treat me like this. He’d never talk to me like this, and he loves me. He loves me because he’s capable of loving men like he loves women. Trust me when I say he’s very aware that I’m a man, and he loves it. He can’t get enough of it, and neither can I. It’s not my problem if you can’t understand that.”
Shane never let him finish his words, and he didn’t let him stick around long enough to try. He fully pushed him out of the room, slamming the door in his face, and walking back over to his bed to call Ilya. Tonight, he’d fall asleep to the comforting sound of his boyfriend’s voice—and his breathing—fully confident in his relationship regardless of what other people think. He knew Ilya loved him, and that was all that mattered.