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It was conference day, and Ilya could've done without the added stress from Hayden's commentary, but Shane needed the support. So he kept quiet. He kept quiet even after all the added remarks about their activities in the bathroom. The immediate jump to sexualizing their interactions wouldn't bother him at any other time—normally he’d use that as ammunition to make Hayden uncomfortable—but right now it was exceptionally difficult to deal with given the motivations of their conference. He needed support from Shane without the demands from Hayden. He needed Shane to hold him for just a few moments, and that's why they were hiding in the bathroom. Hayden was somewhere out there with Shane's parents, and Shane was currently caressing his cheek.
“It's going to work out, Ilya. I believe in this like I believe in us. I’m so proud of you, and to be here with you after everything. You know that right?”
Ilya stared at Shane, “of course, you and your freckles are very endearing.”
Shane’s lips tugged up, and Shane wrapped his arms around his neck. They weren’t doing anything other than taking each other in. Nothing about their bodies pressed together registered as arousing. They were simply taking in the comfort of this moment, and Shane even dared to place a sweet kiss against his lips. Ilya savored the sound of their quiet kisses, and even more so in the way Shane's fingers tugged at his loose curls. He was the happiest he could've been until Hayden walked through the door making a fuss about their affections.
“god, seriously? You guys can't just like starting fucking in a public space.”
“I pity your wife if every form of affection is a sexual advance to you, Pike,” Ilya mumbled into Shane’s shoulder, making him sound muffled to Hayden.
“Hayden, enough. Stop antagonizing my boyfriend,” Shane said it halfheartedly choosing to keep the atmosphere as neutral as possible.
“Me? He’s the one being weird with you at a conference in honor of his dead mom!”
Ilya normally wouldn’t fall into the reactionary trap, but it was his mom. Hayden just learned—liked everyone else—about the circumstances, yet he was being a dick. Shane beat him to it though.
“Hayden!” Shane's tone was snappy and harsh, “what the fuck is wrong with you? Now is not the time.”
“yeah whatever,” Hayden's eyes cut toward him while he was speaking to Shane, “your mom is looking for you by the way, so you should go find her.”
Shane looked over at Ilya, stepping close, and placing a gentle kiss on his lips.
“Come find me in like thirty, okay?”
Ilya nodded. He was feeling down at the current predicament of being distanced for so long, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it. He watched Shane fix himself before motioning to Hayden.
“Alright, Hayden, let’s go.” Shane ushered him toward the door.
“Nah, dude, I’ll catch up with you. I gotta use the restroom, you know, like for what it’s meant for.” Hayden’s eyes shot another judgmental look his way.
Shane seemed hesitant to leave the room while Hayden would be here with him, but Ilya will always be the first to reassure him. Anything to ease his mind.
“It’s fine, moya lyubov. I'll catch up later.”
Shane gave one last look at them and left. Shane being gone made the energy infinitely more tense than before. Ilya would wash up a bit and leave Hayden to his own devices in the restroom. That was the plan, and then he realized Hayden lied. He wasn’t staying here to use the restroom. He was going to start some bullshit with him. Great, just what he needed.
“Hate me all you want, but at least give it a rest today, Pike. You already gave me black eye for this event. I’d like to take in the good Hollander and I are doing. I would also like to remember my mother without fighting with you. Ruin a different day for me.”
Hayden scoffed, “you might make a fool out of Shane, but you’re not getting one over on me.”
Ilya let his guard down for a minute before putting it back up. He was tired, and Hayden wouldn't let this go, “I'm serious, Hayden. Let it go. You know nothing about Hollander and I.”
“You're using him. Shane will figure it out eventually, and I'll be there to have his back. He just doesn't see it right now.” Hayden’s voice was sure, and Ilya knew he believed every word.
He wasn’t mentally well enough for this interaction, “how about go donate to the cause instead of making an ass of yourself. I'm sure Shane would appreciate it. Certainly would make you seem like decent guy.”
“That’s rich coming from you, Rozanov,” Hayden bit back, “but no, I’m not donating to your campaign. I don’t care what sob story you've curated to manipulate Shane into feeling bad for you, but it’s not going to work on me. It’s all an act.”
Ilya rushed him against the wall, “don’t you ever talk about my mother like that…you don't know the first thing about me, and your words about Shane tell me you know nothing besides how lowly you think of your own friend.”
He let Hayden push him off, and he walked off to go find Shane. He knew it hadn’t been nearly long enough, but he needed it. He’d pull him to the side so they were hidden. He didn't care. That's exactly what he did when he caught Shane. He pulled him away from his parents—and the donor they were talking to—and he pulled him away to somewhere as discreet as possible. Shane was confused with a hint of concern, and the moment they were totally out of sight in a broom closet Ilya buried his face into Shane’s neck. He cried—pathetically—as his body worked itself through a panic attack in a way he was more used to from Shane. He was feeling particularly fragile and vulnerable during this conference. He couldn't help it. He missed his mom. He needed her the most, and she couldn’t be here because she wasn’t here. He trusted Shane to let him have this. He didn’t have anyone else. He let the sobs shake his body in the embrace of Shane. Shane who couldn't find the words to say as he took in his physical distress.
“Shh, shh, shh. I’m here,” Shane’s voice was hushed ensuring their privacy, “what happened? Are you overwhelmed?”
“I miss her,” Ilya sobbed. “I want my mama.”
His voice was distant to his own ears, and he sounded broken and small. He could only imagine how ridiculous he sounded to Shane. He was suddenly a little boy again crying out for his mom. A mom who would never comfort him again because she was dead. Memories of her limp hand hanging off the bed were the most prominent behind his eyes and were quickly followed by the rest of the scene flashing by like rave lights. Nothing but reminders of stinging pain and distress. Crying out for his mom who was surrounded by empty pill bottles and unresponsive. He didn’t want to be here at this stupid conference talking about the worst parts of his own life as others sat there pitying him, or—in Hayden's case—doubting him. He knew Shane wouldn’t know how to handle the pressure of this moment, and—truth be told—he didn’t need him to. He just needed to be held close. He needed to be weak. He was tired of people pushing him into a corner as if feeling nothing was normal when this felt like the most normal way he could react.
Shane held him tightly, “if you need us to leave early, we can figure it out.”
Ilya shook his head, “no, solnyshko, I just need moment away from it all. I just need moment where I don't have to fight someone who can’t get over themselves.”
Shane was confused, “did someone say something to you that caused this?”
Ilya felt guilty immediately. He didn't want to cause issues between Shane and Hayden. He knew it would destroy Shane if he told him how Hayden talked to him, and he didn’t want to prove Hayden's point. He didn’t want to come off as manipulative.
“Is nothing. I shouldn't have said anything. Maybe I will go back early, and you should go find Hayden?”
Ilya could only assume Shane was likely jarred by the suddenness of everything. He went from pulling Shane away, to crying hard into his neck, and now he was dodging the concern. Shane let him go, but Ilya knew he was probably fighting himself over his growing concern. Ilya needed rest, and they could talk later.
“Okay, let’s talk when I get back.”
Ilya nodded, leaning in for a kiss. Shane let him have his fill, and he was grateful for that. He needed it before he left.
Shane made his way back to the main area after letting Ilya leave reluctantly. Something weird was going on with him, and he was caught up in the distress Ilya was producing. It was unlike him to get wrapped up in his feelings like that seeing as he wasn’t one to cry in public or cry much at all. He covered up his hurt with quick witty remarks or baited jokes, so it was particularly concerning to experience Ilya like this. He knew his mom was a sensitive topic the closer they got. He usually managed it well though, but it wasn’t too surprising that this could be triggering.
“Hey dude,” Hayden called out, “I was looking for you! Your mom said you like disappeared somewhere with…you know.”
Shane paused, “I know, what?”
“Rozanov? She said you disappeared with him.”
Shane sighed, “yeah, he left a second ago. I was just going to say my goodbyes and ask my mom to handle closing it down because Ilya needs me.”
Hayden scoffed too easily, and it rubbed Shane the wrong way. Hayden didn’t need to get along with Ilya to have some understanding that losing a parent the way Ilya did is traumatic. It left a lifelong impact on Ilya, and—if he needed to leave—Shane wouldn’t judge him for that. Neither should anyone else. He held it together for the most important part of the conference regardless. The rest of the event was overkill, so it’s not like anyone was going to be hounding them. They already did that during the broadcast.
“Do you have a problem with that?” Shane’s response was stiff and guarded.
“I mean, it’s his conference too. He should be able to man up enough to see it through. It’s cowardly to run away from these responsibilities at his convenience.”
Shane could feel his exhaustion creeping in. He didn’t have the energy to do this right now. “Whatever, Hayden. You don’t even know the half of it enough to talk like you somehow get it, so I’ll see you at some point. Right now, I need to find my mom. I need to get back to my boyfriend immediately.”
Hayden grabbed onto his arm, “listen, maybe just leave him alone. He probably needs space. Hang out here with me, and you can see him later once he’s gotten over his little fit.”
Shane pushed Hayden’s hand off his arm, “no, Hayden. I’m leaving to go home to Ilya. Why are you being so weird?”
“I think he’s curated the perfect story for donors, but—it’s a bit overdone now—he’s doing too much.”
Shane was shocked at how casual Hayden would make an accusation like that until it dawned on him. He left Ilya in that bathroom with Hayden, and he came out upset. He was extremely on edge and distressed to a point he needed to leave.
Shane narrowed his eyes at Hayden, “what did you do?”
Hayden stiffened, “I didn’t do anything.”
Shane bit out a laugh, “okay then, what did you say?”
Hayden cut his eyes off to the side, and Shane was reeling with impatience, “maybe you didn’t do anything, but you must’ve said something that upset him.”
“I think he’s making it up to fuck with you,” Hayden accused. “I think it’s just some sob story to get money and trap you with a charity. Can you blame me? He’s not exactly the humanitarian type, so I confronted him about it.”
Shane’s fist was moving faster than his brain could register slamming into Hayden’s mouth. He was aware of the throbbing in his fist, “ow, son of a—” he shook his hand. Shane wasn’t one to start fights, and he certainly wasn’t thinking about how to punch without hurting his wrist. “Yeah, I absolutely can fucking blame you, and I do. Do you even care what you’ve done or the accusations you’re making? Holy shit, Hayden.” Shane took a breath, “you know what, I don’t have the fucking time for this. Go home Hayden. You’ve done enough.”
“You’ll see it one day, I—”
Shane put his hand up, “no I won’t, because it’s not true.” Shane cleared his throat, “I’ll see you at the start of the seasons as a teammate, now go home.”
He turned and left Hayden behind, heading to find his mom so he could get home to Ilya and comfort him. His life always managed to feel like one step forward and five steps back. He craved the future day everything could go exactly as it should without all this drama involved. For now, he’d enjoy the love he and Ilya shared without the judgment of those who had no clue about his boyfriend.