Archive of Our Own

He stared, wide-eyed, at the boyish face watching him with that one indescribable expression that Kaveh still wasn't able to read, even after so many years. The teal eyes bore into him, even as his throat constricted around a breath, the feeling like a phantom palm were to wrap around his neck and squeeze.

His exhale rattled through his ribs, his eyes already dampening at the corners. He felt too out in the open, and the urge to flee was tugging at his mind with desperate claws.

All because of his Junior, who so clearly saw through the walls Kaveh spent years on building, hoping to shut out anyone who was too brave to burn in the light that ate Kaveh out from the inside. A faux light, one that instead of being a source of warmth and hope— burned the edges of Kaveh's chest, releasing the burdens of his mind and contaminating others with his mess.

That's how he has learned to feel about himself ever since his childhood.

And everything he did, all those helping hands he held out to others, the sleepless nights to push himself just a little more, if only to prove something— to himself most and foremost— it was all but a form of escapism, of letting the pressure of the light binding his heart inside his chest off, even if it gave him just a fake sense of comfort, a fleeting moment of having his heart unbinded.

He knew that. He was aware of it all, and yet he kept living like that.

For the past years, it was what held him afloat, his chin up high and a smile on his face when bared to the eye of the public. He didn't mind it at all, living this double life. A "Light" in the open world, viewed as the treasure of Kshahrewar, the brightest student to shine.

A "Light" that was a double-edged sword, the other side of it pointed at his chest, threatening to tear the skin of the flesh and spread uncomfortable sun beams of his tormented soul onto unsuspecting others.

And now, apparently, Alhaitham knew of it too. Was aware of it for quite some time, it seemed.

The teal that swirled into a once comforting hue of orange in his junior's eyes, now felt like a laser pointed at him, scanning his mind, soul, reaching for his heart, and it was all—

"We should cease our shared work on this thesis."

Kaveh's chapped lips opened and closed upon hearing those words tumble from Alhaitham's mouth, incredulous pupils shaking as they expanded, the "Light" slowly swallowing him whole.

He wasn't the one that said those words. He didn't— he wasn't planning on this route, he really wanted to take a different tactic, to maybe handle the situation better and talk Alhaitham out of it, because now he's seen it, now he knows of what's truly guiding Kaveh through his life, and how it's suffocating him from both sides, how—

"I'm going to remove my name from the project."

Kaveh's heart churned. He didn't know how to feel, if he wanted to run away from, or into, the teal that was staring him down, and he felt— he felt naked in all its senses, naked to the discerning gaze of his Junior, who somehow managed to, like a rat, find all the cracks in Kaveh's walls and wriggle through them, only to see the dark that was kept inside.

He didn't know if Alhaitham was going to tell anyone. Was he? Would he? Tell everyone that their favourable well-prospering student was actually a marionette, the strands of its limbs held up by the ghost of Kaveh's past, which inadvertently led to his inevitable collapse?

"If you're thinking that I'm going to walk around and tell everyone on why we broke off our shared work, you should know better than to think so lowly of me."

Even in a moment like this, Alhaitham was seeing right through him. Maybe he saw the panic that seized through him at this moment, or maybe— Archons, it was probably the tears that swelled in his eyes that Kaveh had missed due to his spiral. He had to get out of here, and do it fast. He had decided to run from the magnifying glass of Alhaitham's keen mind, which dissected him into all these smaller pieces and flawlessly managed to read him all.

"I—" His own brows furrowed, his expression morphing to steel to reign all the emotions swimming so openly on his face, "Of course I wouldn't think so lowly of you, but maybe perhaps you think so of me. This isn't some 'misguided' altruism nor is my help towards others just a cover-up."

Kaveh venomously spat back the same words Alhaitham used, ignoring the way his Junior's jaw clenched and his palms curled into fists. "You're wrong, and you couldn't possibly know a thing about how, or why I feel like this."

His only option was to lash out. To push his Junior back, to save himself from his prying ratty eyes. He didn't want to— couldn't— be seen like this. Because this meant that if Alhaitham saw through him— he might have falsely assumed that maybe he could get closer to Kaveh, and that Kaveh would bare his soul to him willingly— which he would not, not ever— even though Alhaitham's probably already seen it all through how his Senior acted, and how he always took in others' words to heart, no matter how many thorns decorated them.

It filled Kaveh with a sense of dread, what this all could possibly mean. Alhaitham saw through him, and now knew, and it all terrified Kaveh to the point of a cold sweat breaking out on his nape, his breathing erratic as a panic attack started to seize him.

He saw Alhaitham's eyes return from their icy cold stare to a gaze of concern and— was that guilt? Kaveh shook his head, turning away to shield his tears that now freely rolled down his cheeks, and ignored the graze of a hand reaching out to tug at his robes, instead taking hurried clumsy steps, as far away as possible.

He screamed, he yelled, he trashed around his room, uncaring of the books that ungracefully fell to the wooden floor with loud thunks. He cared not for the tears and snot now mixing on his puffy face, and instead pulled at the strands of blonde hair that escaped his messy braid.

Cut it. He needs to cut it.

That was his first thought, when his fingers tangled painfully around a knot that wouldn't let loose, and he let out a pained whimper when he tugged his finger hard enough to rip out the strands of hairs that looped around his fingers.

His breathing was still shallow, his chest painfully constricted, his wildly thumping heart drowning out all the other noise he managed to rise around him.

The thesis.

He looked to his desk, where his copy of the thesis laid, and rushed across his room to it, tears falling and staining the paper with salty blotches.

It was all over already, so why did he feel a stab at his heart, seeing the paper blemished with his tears? When it was all ruined, his argument with Alhaitham—

Alhaitham.

Whom he left behind, showed his true colours to, and forgot to stitch it all back together, to not worry his Junior, to show him that it wasn't what he thought it was like at all, that—

He couldn't do that. Why would he? When he didn't want anyone past these walls, not even Alhaitham who managed to slip through— he still wanted to push him out, out and far away, far away from the broken pieces of what was left of his "heart".

He didn't want to mend anything at all, because that would mean forfeit, to show his Junior that yes, he was right, and that everything he saw, that the faux "Light" really existed in this realm, and that Alhaitham now knew a deep, one of the deepest secrets of Kaveh, bringing him close, closer than anyone, and—

Kaveh heaved on a breath as he tore the paper apart, eyes wide as he stared down at his own hands, which he had no control of.

The hands that shakily reached for the scissors on the desk, and absentmindedly cut through the long strands of his hair, if only to ground himself in this moment and do something bad, to not let his hands commit something worse.

He felt himself sink to the ground, amongst the clumps of blonde hair, the torn thesis, and hugged his knees tightly to his chest, imagining it was all a bad dream.

A bad dream that he would wake up from, and everything would be right again.

But then came the realisation that even in his childhood, waking up from a bad dream only pushed him into living through a nightmare far worse.

It was weird.

His heart didn't thump erratically and uncomfortably like it had learned to do all those years ago, a nasty habit he developed and was aware of in any slightly stressful situation— but rather fastened the heart rate a little, making a small zap of electricity go through his limbs.

His eyes were glued to the figure, which was now much more grown and visibly well kept throughout the years that passed.

Alhaitham tilted his head at him, teal eyes ever so silent in their visible assessing. It was what Kaveh hated about his Junior most— the moments when you could tell that Alhaitham was scanning you, trying to read your mind and come up with all the possible outcomes of a single situation.

A gift and a curse.

Because it was what once terrified Kaveh to his core, and made him flee.

But despite all that has happened, Kaveh couldn't stop the nervous smile that slowly etched itself onto his features. Fingers tightening around the glass of wine he was currently holding, he nodded at Alhaitham.

It was weird, seeing him so— rigid.

Tense.

"Kaveh."

It hit him like a punch to the gut, hearing his own name being said by those lips, that voice. It used to be softer, more high-pitched.

Now, it's a pleasant, smooth yet rich voice, one that resonated deeply through the blonde's bones.

It made him realise, that this isn't that scrawny little boy he made friends with at the Akademiya. This, standing before him, was a man, whose boyish features transformed through the years they were separated, and sculpted into a sharp jawline descending into a thick neck.

Yet his cheeks stayed almost the same.

Kaveh almost smiled fondly at the memory of once pinching his Junior's chubby cheeks, but a polite cough brought him back to the present.

The blonde lifted his eyes and let out a nervous chuckle as he regarded the man standing before him.

"Sorry, I—" And what was he supposed to say? Years apart, without any knowledge about each other's whereabouts, and after ending things on a bad foot disappearing from the other's life— fate truly orchestrated a nasty play on Kaveh's life.

Kaveh sighed, looking away to save himself from seeing the man's analysing stare.

He was already doing that. Not giving Kaveh even a moment of respite before he started dissecting Kaveh's behaviour like he used to do with all the books on ancient languages.

He wonders if Alhaitham still did that, with his nose deep into a book.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here." Said Alhaitham, but what was unspoken and hidden behind those words, Kaveh knew.

I haven't seen you in a long time.

It didn't escape Kaveh's notice, how the man's adam's apple bobbed just slightly as he spoke.

They both didn't know how to exactly handle this situation, and both of them, like lost lambs, searched for a shepherd in the other.

"I've been around." Around. Losing himself in debt, in alcohol, his mind.

Alhaitham made a grunting sound, and Kaveh almost lost hold on his glass when all of a sudden the man slid into the chair in front of him, arms crossed.

"Around can mean a lot of things, like encircling an object, surrounding an area, also a general area of vicinity—"

"Okay, okay!" Kaveh waved his hand in front of his Junior's face, shaking his head at his antics.

Well one thing was for sure, his character and the same monotone voice when he was trying to do one up on his Senior hasn't changed at all.

Comforting. And yet also pulling at his heartstrings.

Alhaitham raised an eyebrow at him, almost inching a fraction closer, "So? What's the correct definition to your 'around'?"

And it made Kaveh a little antsy, seeing those eyes bore straight through him. He squirmed in his seat as he straightened his posture— yet at the same time tried to appear relaxed, which was a feeble attempt— and rolled his eyes before taking a sip from his glass.

"Well, you could say— here and there. You know what, it doesn't even matter where I've been."

Alhaitham quirked his brow again at his response, but Kaveh took another nervous gulp of his wine to occupy himself with something after delivering that hideous response— yes, he was ashamed of it— and the other man just sighed, uncurling his arms.

"I heard, you know." No. "About the Palace… amongst other things." Amongst other things. "You really poured all your soul and heart into it." And money. "It's beautiful." Beauti— what? "Don't make that face, I mean it. "

Wow. Okay, Alhaitham really just— complimented his work? But that wasn't what was swirling through his head.

Amongst other things.

This means he must have heard about the arduous path of how Kaveh managed to build the Palace of Alcazarzaray, or rather— how he didn't, in fact, manage.

He swallowed, using a blunt fingernail to scrape at the pattern on the wood of the table. He managed a weak scoff, shaking his head. "So you heard, huh?"

Alhaitham nodded curtly, thin-lipped as he regarded his Senior. "I did."

Kaveh bit the inside of his cheek, mulling the situation over in his head. He could just brush the man away again, or— mostly because his traitorous heart, which wasn't meant to thump like this in his chest by the way— further engage in the conversation.

Blame him for craving that one ounce of familiarity and comfort he once had in his Junior.

One that got crushed under his very own foot, the moment he decided to build the walls further up around his heart and flee from the impending war zone.

Right.

He cleared his throat, righting himself as he opened his mouth.

"I should get going—"

"Do you have a place to—"

Silence filled the air around them, occasionally broken by the sound of Lambad clinking glasses together, as he was assumingly starting to clean up and ready the tavern for closing.

Kaveh took a deep breath and slid out of his seat, starting, "I should get going, it's late and Lambad probably wants to head home soon. But it was nice seeing you, Alhaitham."

He didn't look in the man's direction, only turned on his heel and stepped away from the table.

"Kaveh—wait," A loud screech of a chair being pulled back roughly from the table sounded out throughout the almost empty now tavern, and a hand wrapped around his wrist, stopping him in his tracks.

And then the world stopped moving for a moment, because—

Was this what it would feel like, if he—all those years ago— stopped?

And waited?

Letting his Junior have the last word, and not storming away with tear-filled eyes and an even heavier heart?

"Kaveh, I—" The warm fingers wrapped around his wrist dropped, and Kaveh turned his upper half to stare at the man, blinking rapidly. "I have a spare room. It—all it does is collect dust, and I have no use for it. You could—if you wanted to— move in?"

Kaveh's never heard his Junior's talk stammer so much, never heard so many pauses. Usually even back then, although he was a mere student, his voice held no respite of breath for others when he spoke. Always thought through, always spoken with such decisiveness.

This was new.

Was it because of him?

"Alhaitham, no, I—I couldn't possibly take up one of your rooms, that'd be in—"

"I don't need it. I—" The man patted himself down, and fished out a key from somewhere beneath his cape. "Here. Unless you change your mind."

He slipped the key into Kaveh's hand, and after a moment's pause, walked away, the door of the tavern creaking after his departure.

And Kaveh stood rooted in place, staring at the key in his palm.

It was two nights later, when after two bottles of wine and an unnecessary amount of blabbering about his life's tragedy to strangers, with his head too heavy to keep up straight and his back hunched over the tavern's table like a shrimp, when he thought back to the key resting in his pocket.

He took it out with shaky fingers— either from the alcohol overconsumption or his general exhaustion (having to scrape by on a barely amount of money and sleeping in a proper place only whenever he had enough for the lowest fee wasn't an easy to bear feat)— and laid it down in front of his eyes, observing how the gold metal reflected the low light of the few lanterns around.

He'd be a liar if he admitted he hadn't entertained the thought of moving in with Alhaitham. He was exhausted, malnourished, and just wanted to have a moment of respite, be it even in his Junior's and ex-friend's house.

But.

Kaveh knew it woudln't be an easy task. Not for him, and definitely not for Alhaitham. The canyon that has formed between them over the years was not a small one— no actual bridge could withstand holding two edges of the gorge together, and definitely wouldn't hold them both up on it if they wished to cross it.

Yet his need for taking a break from this, from everything, and having that ounce of comfort that comes with freshly-washed and only his bed sheets, the idea of getting to take a deep fulfilling shower without having to scramble with what little privacy the inn's public washrooms offered— it all called out to his weary body.

And maybe it was the little amount of alcohol left in his bloodstream that urged him to grab the key, walk out the tavern and head towards the direction written with a black marker on the gold key.

A surprise the address didn't wear off yet, with how often Kaveh's fingers skimmed over that familiar handwriting.

With heavy steps he made his way down the familiar streets of Sumeru City, taking rights and lefts until he was stood in front of his destination.

The light was on, spilling faintly onto the cobbled ground through the stained-glass window in green and yellowy shadows.

He breathed in sharply upon seeing vague movement behind the window, and shook his head.

He can't do this, this was all just a stupid idea, what was he even thinking?

He should just leave the key under the doormat and walk away.

He walked up quietly with a heavy heart, letting out a small breath upon seeing the print on the mat— "welcome•ish (depends on how long you are staying)" which just reeked of Alhaitham's welcoming personality— and bent down to shuffle the key under the doormat.

Just as he was about to straighten up and leave hurriedly, the sound of the lock turning echoed throughout the little patio, fate laughing in his face.

A second later, he was faced with a pair of dark slippers swallowed partly by loose sleeping pants, and he swallowed.

A sigh, followed by a hum. "Good to see you finally made up your mind and showed up," the sarcastic tone not missed on the blonde, "come, your room was waiting for you".

Kaveh scrambled up hastily, shaking his hands in front of his chest. "Ah no, you see I was just—"

"You're letting the cold breeze seep into the house. Let's talk inside."

And the man pushed his door open further, his eyes set like a hawk's on Kaveh's face.

Well, damn his Junior and his mannerisms, because now it'd just appear as a disrespect to turn around and leave.

So he didn't.

He walked in slowly, Alhaitham closing— and locking— the door after him, before walking to the main room where he waited for Kaveh as he toed off his sandals.

And, well— the house.

It smelled like Alhaitham.

As he looked around, it even— looked like the man himself.

An abnormal amount of bookshelves filled to the brim with books— a surprise the wood hasn't given out yet— a vague amount (and maybe that's for the better) of hideous decorations, and the constant aroma of coffee wafting through the air, although it was late into the night already.

Which started a question in him— Alhaitham always had a perfect sleeping schedule, even as a Junior he set up particular wake up and bedtime hours. Then why was the man still awake, although it was way past his presumable bedtime?

Maybe more has changed about his Junior than Kaveh thought.

"Done scrutinizing the insides of my house?"

Kaveh huffed as he turned to face Alhaitham, scrunching his face in annoyance.

"I wasn't—" At the raise of the other man's eyebrow, Kaveh sighed and abandoned coming up with an excuse, "—whatever. What is it that you want to talk about?"

Alhaitham hummed, and Kaveh swore he could see the faintest sign of amusement playing out on his Junior's face.

"Well, your room is over there", he pointed in the direction, as Kaveh's face further deepened into a confused scowl, "my room is on the opposite wall, the bathroom is over here— I already left out some spare towels for you— and I usually wake up around eight, so if you want a proper breakfast you might need to wake up earlier. I have work tomorrow, and I already stayed up past my bedtime, waiti— reading. Goodnight."

Kaveh stared in bewilderment as Alhaitham listed the instructions, certainly not the talk that Kaveh got bribed into walking into the house for, and then turned on his heel in the direction of his room.

Just before he closed the door to his room after slipping in, he looked back once at Kaveh, and, Archons— was that a small smile on his lips?— "Welcome home, Kaveh."

And then the door closed, leaving Kaveh stood in the center of the living room, struck.

A beat passed, and Kaveh was still trying to wrap his head around what just happened.

Did Alhaitham just— kidnap him? Into sleeping in his house?

"Welcome home, Kaveh."

Those three words echoed through his mind on repeat as he dazedly walked to the washroom to splash some water onto his face.

Impossible. This was just impossible.

But— it was late, and as much as he wanted to shake some sense into Alhaitham, he also didn't want to disrupt the man's life furthermore by causing a scene well past midnight, when the man had work in the morning.

So, yes, yes— Kaveh would sleep it out, and discuss it over breakfast in the morning.

In the bathroom, he dried off his face with one of the towels— hanging it on the one other empty hook— and made his way to his the room, slipping in quietly.

Without flipping on the light switch, he navigated the bed in darkness, and let out a soft 'oof' as soon as his body hit the mattress.

And then, before the darkness within his mind could wrap itself around his nightly thoughts, the darkness of the room took him under, lulling him to a— first in a long, long time— dreamless night.

The soft pitter-patter of the rain on the glass almost lulled Kaveh to sleep.

These past few weeks have been— well. A journey.

Nothing can compare to now, where Kaveh has a somewhat stable income and a permanent temporary roof over his head.

The comparison would be like setting a kilogram and a feather on a scale— incomparable in weight, one undeniably outweighing the other.

And, he has been better.

Not just his body— which was now clearly taken care of, now that he had more time for himself, and also a little more money to his name from a stable amount of commissions— but also, weirdly, his mind.

Kaveh wasn't expecting this development of the situation.

Although they never officially talked about it, somewhere along the lines, Kaveh started paying rent to Alhaitham for letting him stay. At first, the man was opposed to the idea— talking about how Kaveh should focus on getting enough commissions to have some money to his name— but Kaveh was stubborn.

And so this was them now: Kaveh stayed, payed rent, and they split their chores evenly. Even groceries.

It was more like cohabitation, only with the added mental weight of cohabitating with the person he had a tumultuous past with.

And yet, they somehow made it work.

There was no talk of it, not one of them even poking it with a stick.

For the better, Kaveh told himself.

This was okay, and they made it work.

There was one other thing about his new living situation, too.

He hate to admit it, but he missed this. Missed Alhaitham.

At first, living together was like walking around egg-shells. Talking about chores, some small talk here and there, but not much more.

With time, Kaveh discovered just how much of the Alhaitham he once knew, stayed the same.

Although he wasn't that much of a conversationalist, he always listened with attentiveness.

It started when on some nights, Kaveh returned home a little inebriated, and seeing that his Junior was still up— waiting for him?— he often started conversations, poking at the sleepy man with every question that popped into his head.

The headache the morning after was his punishment, but one he would accept gladly. Because even through the haziness of his mind, he remembered bits and peaces of their drunkenly— mostly on his part— conversation, and everything he got to discover about his Junior.

His drunken antics, surprisingly, eased them into talking more when he was sober, awkward at first, but the more time passed— the more comfortable they both got.

And to no surprise it was, when Kaveh realised that Alhaitham still enjoyed riffling up Kaveh's feathers, with subtle, teasing comments thrown in here and there— yet always with the same result.

Kaveh scrunching his face in annoyance and throwing words back at the man, trying— and fairly often— failing at hiding the small smile on his lips.

It started feeling more and more like old times.

Which both brought comfort to Kaveh and spiked immense fear inside him.

He might be getting too close again, and with that— the fear tied to it ate him up at night.

He didn't want to leave Alhaitham again. But what if one day, he had to?

"It isn't time for your daily nap yet, Senior. The dishes await you." Alhaitham's voice jolted him from his reverie, and he blinked at the man who walked over to the other divan, sitting down with a book in hand as he made himself comfortable.

"I wasn't sleeping." He muttered, wrapping the blanket tighter around him, turning his head back to the window.

"Could have fooled me." And then he opened his book, losing himself in the contents of the book as he did each day after work.

Kaveh rolled his eyes, turning his gaze back slowly to observe the Scribe.

Although it was later in the day, and the sun was hidden behind rain-bearing clouds, his features were sharp as ever, illuminated by the warm lamp on the side table of the divan.

And each day consecutively, Kaveh let himself have this moment of peace during which he could silently stare at his Junior from afar.

Just.. quietly observing. Taking notes of his features, his whole being, without needing to talk.

That's what he liked about this most.

No words spoken, just the two of them, in their own bubble.

It made him feel just a little more at ease, this way.

Alhaitham lifted his gaze from his book, meeting his, and Kaveh quickly looked away, hoping that the heat of his cheeks was hidden in the dark, where the light of the lamp didn't reach.

"You know I know you do that every day? You can just sit closer if you want to observe me more clearly." Alhaitham said, and Kaveh could just hear the smile in his voice, and he huffed.

"No need."

Alhaitham sighed fondly, and then Kaveh heard the turn of a page, so he turned his gaze back, thinking he was safe in continuing his quiet observations.

He met teal eyes as soon as he turned his head.

Alhaitham smirked softly, shaking his head. "No need, you say?"

"Shut up." Kaveh quipped, groaning as he lifted the blanket high enough to hide half of his face. He sighed, realising he was caught red-handed and there was no way out of this. "What are you reading, anyway?" His voice coming out a little muffled due to the thick blanket covering his mouth.

"Come and find out." The man said, a little too quickly, as he swallowed and lowered his gaze back to the pages of the book. Even in the low light, Kaveh noticed the reddened spots on his Junior's ears.

All safety measures abandoned, Kaveh untangled himself from the blanket and walked over to the divan Alhaitham was sitting on, plopping himself down right next to him. Thighs almost touching.

He hummed, reaching out to grab the book and get a look at the cover.

"Oh. Oh wow, Alhaitham. I wasn't expecting you to read fiction."

The crimson on his Junior's ears only deepened, and Kaveh smiled.

"I wanted to try something different."

Kaveh laughed, a deep belly laugh, startling the both of them.

Alhaitham stared at him wide-eyed, before a small smile broke out on his face too, rolling his eyes.

"Stop laughing. Your laughter is making the dust on the table you didn't clean up spread across the house." The empty command did nothing except make Kaveh shake his head as he laughed more, because Alhaitham was smiling, and it felt good.

Like old times, when they were just kids, giggling to themselves in between the bookshelves of the House of Daena.

His laughter finally died down enough for the silence around them to stretch on, their gazes caught together in a comfortable embrace.

Kaveh was the first one to clear his throat and look away, leaning into the cushion of the divan as he made himself more comfortable and focused on the book in his Junior's hands.

"Can you read aloud?"

He felt the teal eyes linger on him a little longer, before they locked back on the pages of the book.

"Sure."

"I can read to you. To, you know, make you feel better?" His Junior's hushed voice tried to make it through the ringing in Kaveh's ears, and he wrapped his arms tighter around his legs, his knees pressed tightly to his chest as another tear made its way down his cheek.

He nodded, desperate for a distraction.

He just got the letter from Fontaine, his mother announcing her marriage to some a man.

He tried to be happy for her, but once he finished reading the letter, his eyes were full of tears, and his breath a little uneven.

That's how Alhaitham found him, hidden in between bookshelves, on the floor, the letter clutched in hand.

Without a word, he sat down beside his Senior, so close that his body heat calmed the shaking in Kaveh's limbs.

So he started reading, sentence by sentence, lulling his Senior's nerves into a calmer state, as he always did.

Kaveh didn't wake when the sound of the book being closed sounded out through the silent room, nor did he when a blanket was thrown over his sleeping body.

Not even when Alhaitham squirmed a little to make himself more comfortable under the weight of Kaveh's head on his shoulder.

It's been sitting in his mind for a while now.

The thought that accompanied him at every step of his life, followed him everywhere.

The thought of leaving.

He's been living well enough these past months, his reputation back and bringing him commission after commission, letting him pay rent freely and also have his own two cents for any trinket he spots at the Grand Bazaar.

His relationship with Alhaitham— sort of a mixed bag these days, but mostly on the good side.

However, no amount of familiarity with Alhaitham would ever give end to the endless spiral which was swirling through Kaveh's mind.

Like a dead weight, like steel running through his blood, it weighed him down every now and then, constantly in the back of his mind.

The brick of the walls he put up around his heart was cracked in places, letting some colour mesh with the gloom of his soul.

And that thought kept him up at night— what if the walls crumbled completely? What if he accidentally let Alhaitham in, let him see it all?

It would be better if he left first.

It would hurt less, that way.

"I'm thinking of finding my own place." He started carefully one day over dinner, his stomach churning despite having cooked them his favourite meal.

Alhaitham lowered the fork from his mouth, stopped mid-bite. He lifted his gaze and stared at Kaveh with surprise written on his features.

"Why would you do that? There's plenty space for you here. It's easier this way."

No, Alhaitham, it's not easy.

"I just think it's only suitable for me to finally have a place of my own, after getting back on my own legs." He hated the way his voice shook a little as his lip quivered. He hid his hands under the tabletop, the shakiness of them making him berate himself in his mind just for how in the open he was being right now.

Alhaitham set down his fork, leaning back in his chair as he crossed his arms in front of his chest, schooling his expression into his usual hard and analysing one.

The one Kaveh hated the most. The one that made Kaveh shiver with how the teal laser saw right through him.

"Do you not feel content enough here?"

Kaveh took a deep breath in, trying to steer the thoughts that desperately wanted out, away.

"I didn't say that. I just mean I should focus on my own life a little now. Thank you though, for letting me stay with you all this time."

He tried meeting Alhaitham's eyes, to let the finality of his words settle in. He won't let Alhaitham take control of this situation again, won't let him be the one that has the last say.

"'Focus on your own life?' Isn't that what you have been doing here for the past months? Why the sudden need for a change of space?"

He gritted his teeth, "Well yes, but it's time I got my own space. This— this is your house, and all I have is my own room."

Alhaitham scoffed, "Is that what you really think? Kaveh, look around—" he cocked his head to the area of the room around them, "—this is my house, as much as it is yours. Your stuff is everywhere, the whole house is adorned in your decorations, and we even share groceries, for Archons' sake."

The hurt in Alhaitham's voice, masked under the steel, shot a pain through Kaveh's chest. This—this wasn't how he wanted this to go, an argument wasn't his intention.

"What? Cat got your tongue all of a sudden? Or are you trying to think of another way of how to leave?"

It hurt. It hurt so much, the words said with such venom, Kaveh barely recognised the Junior in him.

He gulped down on air, his nails digging into the skin of his palm.

"Fuck you, Alhaitham. You don't know how it feels— what it's like to have your whole life's hard work reduced to nothing— h-having to climb the mountain back up again, while constantly being under the scrutiny of others, praying on your downfall." He lashed back angrily, meeting his Junior's gaze dead on, unwavering.

"Praying on your downfall? Kaveh, no one here is praying on your downfall—"

"You don't see how they look at me, Alhaitham."

"Maybe that's because you're just too much in your head and take everything personally, with the added weight of your own thoughts."

The silence that followed rang through Kaveh's ears like alarms.

And like a dam opening, he let his thoughts get the better of him.

"And you would fucking know what's in my head, right? Don't think I haven't noticed how each time, ever since the thesis", he hissed the word out, ignoring the way Alhaitham's jaw clenched at the reminder of the past, "you've always kept treating me like some fucking social experiment that you're observing, scrutinizing every move and analysing what ticks which reaction off!"

He slammed his hand on the table as he stood up, leaning over the table as he breathed heavily, the erratic beat of his heart making him short of breath.

"Kaveh, I don't—"

"Shut up! Just— Stop, okay? I need my own space, can't you just understand that?" He said defeatedly, blinking away the tears pooling in the corners of his eyes.

Alhaitham swallowed, looking up at him with an unreadable expression.

All too soon, he was reminded of that argument, and it crashed down on him like a bucket of cold water.

He did it again. He lashed out, when all Alhaitham wanted was to help—

Pain shot through his head and he swayed, Alhaitham shooting up from his chair, ready to catch him.

But Kaveh managed to stay on his feet, hanging his head low.

"….You should rest. We can talk about it after I come back from the late-night work meeting. I promise we'll talk about it."

With all the strength Kaveh could muster, he waved his hand vaguely, dismissing the man.

It's all he could do before he tumbled down into the mess in his head.

Alhaitham was right.

Everything he sees, hears, feels— comes out in a twisted, different reality to him.

Alhaitham wanted good for him.

And it was like Kaveh's walls seemed to crumble completely, brick falling by brick.

Although they left the argument on unspoken words, Kaveh couldn't stop his eyes from straying from the bowl of fruit sitting on the table.

It was becoming late, Alhaitham's meeting seemingly stretching out for longer than the Scribe desired—he stated beforehand just how much he despised the idea of having to attend a work-related meeting after working hours— and because neither of them had done any shopping earlier, he was sure that once Alhaitham came back home, he would be hungry. His junior's big appetite had no contestants.

During the time alone, Kaveh moped on the divan, on his bed, on any surface letting him rest his head. Reason warred with heart mind, and the silence of the house only further sent him spiralling.

They will talk. Alhaitham promised.

Kaveh wasn't ready. At least, he didn't feel like he was.

He looked at the door far too many times during his Junior's absence, itching to open the door and never look back.

But he stayed.

With a groan, he hauled himself off the divan and took the bowl into the kitchen with him, where he laid the fruits on the counter, chopping them up into two bowls. Bananas, peaches, some grapes— all evenly split between the two bowls.

He eyed hesitantly the lone pomegranate sitting there, knowing that peeling it was no easy work, and that an argument about letting the juices of it stain the countertop was to come.

That is, if he stayed after the talk.

Despite the messiness, he learned that Alhaitham had lately really taken a liking to pomegranates.

His hands worked deftly on the thick skin of the fruit, carving cracks into it with the knife.

His tired eyes stayed trained on the fruit, up until the creak of the front door had him tensing up, his hands freezing mid-action.

A jingle of keys being thrown into a bowl, the heavy thunk of boots being set down into their respectable place at the shoe rack.

Footsteps. And then silence.

The air around them was like a taut wire— irking to snap at any moment, the tension so palpable it made Kaveh's fingers twitch around the knife he was using to peel the pomegranate.With his back rigid and facing Alhaitham standing at the threshold of the kitchen, he drew nervous breath after breath into his aching lungs, the sound of desperate gulps for air filling the silence around them.

"Kaveh."

No. Kaveh hissed when his fingers slipped on the handle of the knife, causing him to snip a small line of red into his index finger.

"Kaveh. We need to talk."

Kaveh was stubborn. He's heard that word said about himself more often than he threw it around, and he knew it. He wouldn't. Wouldn't turn around.

He couldn't. Do the talk.

The sound of shuffling, and then he was turned around by a tight grip on his bicep that made him choke on a stifled whine, knife clattering to the ground from his limp grasp. "Hey, what are you—" He tried to keep his tone venomous, although his confused heart broke upon hearing that much hatred in his own quivering voice.

"You wouldn't look at me, and we were supposed to talk. Before you think of escaping." Faced with the man, the hard and unwavering voice of his, had his lungs ache even more, and drawing breath ended in a sharp pain in his chest. Alhaitham looked from his face to the blood steadily dripping from the pad of his finger, already moving to grab a paper towel.

"No. Leave me alone, Alhaitham." No more softness in his voice, no more rounded around the edges tones.

He had to keep his walls up, he decided in a split second.

What walls? The ones that all already tumbled to the ground?

He flinched away from his Junior's grip, putting distance between them, and scurried into the corner of the countertop like a wounded animal. He held onto his bicep which burned from the warm touch etched onto his skin, even through the sheer material of his blouse's sleeve.

Alhaitham stared at him with wide eyes, adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed nervously from his spot, but quickly managed to morph his expression into one made of steel as he regarded Kaveh with that stern look.

He sighed heavily, and then,

"It's like I don't know who you even are anymore."

The words shouldn't have hit Kaveh to the core as deeply as they unfathomably did. They both spent some time away from each other during the fallout, and only recently managed to somewhat mend their relationship

And yet hearing those words come out from his Junior's lips, the one he spent the past couple of months living with in something of a mutual understanding of the other, made his heart drop. Even if just a little.

His breath hitched, and with fear-stricken eyes, he lifted his gaze, managing only a weak, broken, "Oh."

"It's like you have a rotating magnet inside of you. One moment you crave attention, companionship," love—is what that thinly lipped mouth didn't have the courage to voice, "And then it rotates, and it's like you're disgusted by the mere thought of being close to me. Like you're scared. Of—"

Kaveh watched as Alhaitham swallowed around a breath and lowered his gaze to the tiled kitchen floor.

"—Of me."

No, no, Alhaitham's got it all wrong. Alhaitham should be scared of him, not the other way round. It's him that's shaped like a double-edged sharp sword, one that strikes you again and again, but never— never, the other way around.

"I never meant to hurt you this badly. Never meant to make you into—," Alhaitham continued, gesturing haphazardly with his arms to Kaveh's trembling figure, and it's only then that the blonde managed to notice the subtle tears at the corners of his Junior's eyes, "—Into this."

Alhaitham's voice broke on a desperate gulp of air, and met Kaveh's pained expression with his own. "I never should have let you go, back then."

The whispered words shot pain straight through Kaveh's gut, and he doubled over, clutching his stomach as he let out a wet sob.

"Stop, Alhaitham, stop talking—" The blonde heaved for breath, out of the corner of his eye catching his Junior taking a step closer, and his hand shot out to stop him in his tracks as he hissed at him. "Don't come near me!"

But it seemed Alhaitham has had enough, and he realised it the moment Alhaitham's body was in his personal space, crowding him in the corner, one hand straightening the blonde to have him look up at him. "Before you leave, answer me one last question. Your earlier words— do you actually think that of me?"

Kaveh tried pushing him away, grunting at his futile attempts at pushing at that chest made of solid rock, not budging by an inch— "Get away from me!" He rasped out, in what was supposed to be a yell, turned out mellow and breathless.

Alhaitham stood simply, staring down at him with an expression that almost— almost made the nonexistent warmth in the dull core of what was once a heart throb. Kaveh yelled out a pained whimper and thumped both fists against that chest, which only earned him a grunt above him.

Hands reached out and caught his wrists, wrapping around them painfully, making the blonde hiss out in pain, and meet the teal gaze with a defiant, aggressive spark in his eyes.

"Do you?"

Kaveh shook his head, tuning out the words, the meaning of them, all of it— and tried trashing his whole body, trying to escape the hold on his wrists, trying to escape— what was he even trying to do?

"Fucking hell— Kaveh!" A yell rang out in his ears, stopping him in his actions as a wave of dizziness crashed over him and he swooned, but strong arms wrapped around his middle, keeping him upright.

He never, never heard Alhaitham raise his voice at anyone, not at him, not at anyone else. It hurt him deeply, that ultimately— as expected, his mind traitorously supplied— it was Kaveh who made him do that.

He stared up dazedly, trying to blink the fog away from his eyes, as he focused on the suddenly way too tender gaze that stared down at him— he didn't deserve it, didn't deserve anything like this.

Shaking his head, he tried to wriggle away again, only to find the arms around his waist weren't budging at all.

"I won't let you go, not again. Not unless you answer me honestly."

He wasn't going to answer anything, Alhaitham must either be deaf or blind— can he not read the signs at all? All his linguistic knowledge, and yet he's acting like all off it vanished in thin air right now, unable to read the cues thrown at him.

"Kaveh. Senior, Senior please."

All thoughts flew out his head, upon hearing the broken voice of his Junior.

"Do you want me gone?"

It should have been simple. A simple yes or no question, something catered perfectly to the state in which Kaveh's mind was in right now. Something that he could answer no problem, because— yes. He wanted Alhaitham gone. Gone, and far away from him.

Because Kaveh was going to hurt him.

Again.

Over and over again.

It was selfish to think otherwise— selfish to think that maybe if he answered no, things could have a chance at going differently.

Letting new light into his life, letting something try to bloom in a place where no sun had entry to, the ground burnt and the soil rotten, no place for rebirth.

But.

And maybe, just maybe— Kaveh wanted to be selfish.

Just for once.

To let the ruined parts of him taint Alhaitham's pure heart and intentions— to ruin him altogether.

Like he did with everything.

Breach the contamination, let the disease of his spread and ruin perfect lives.

No. He couldn't, he wouldn't.

But staring into those teal eyes, that scrutinized his every movement, every twitch and twist of expression, letting him swim in them for just a moment and hide away from the ugliness that was ripping at his insides, trying to break out— made him break down.

He didn't know what he wanted anymore.

He was a magnet, like Alhaitham said.

Magnet of undesire, of catastrophy, and yet also at the same time craving what terrified him and confused him at every step of his life.

The magnet, which was currently, inherently, pointing at Alhaitham.

"But I—" his voice quivered and shook as a sob wracked through his body, "I can't give you what you want, Alhaitham. I— I can't live the way you want me to, fuck, I can't even—" He choked on his words, drowning with the confession that battled to surface, with the ruin within him, "I can't even love."

There. He said it.

The only sounds that his ears registered, were the wet sobs that escaped him, his shaky breaths and the deep breaths that Alhaitham was letting out as he stared at him silently.

Scrutiny? Pity? Kaveh's tears obscured his vision, and he couldn't see what was written on his Junior's face.

Did he misread it all? Was Alhaitham not expecting something more from him further along the way?

And then— a tentative warm palm on the ablaze skin of his cheek, and a gentle thumb that uncreased the damp skin under his eye.

"You don't have to give me anything. It's not love I seek, nor is it affectionate or romantic gestures. I don't want any of that, Kaveh."

Kaveh shook his head incredulously, biting his bottom lip before muttering out sardonically. "Every normal living human being seeks the most basic of connections which is love. You— you too."

At least you should.

It was Alhaitham's turn to shake his head softly, the arm around Kaveh's waist now resting on it softly, holding him like a porcelain doll.

"Yet you don't."

And Kaveh laughed wetly at that, his face scrunching up, unbothered by the tears and snot that ugly mixed up on his face.

"I'm not a normal human being. I'm broken. I'm ruined. I don't think logically, don't you see that, Alhaitham? I hurt people, I run away from them, fuck— I did that to you most and foremost, so why the hell are you still even trying!?"

A couple quiet seconds passed after Kaveh's outburst, and then Kaveh watched as a single tear made it's way down Alhaitham's smooth cheek, dropping down from his jawline.

"Because it was never love that I was seeking. It was always, and will forever, be just you, Kaveh."

Before Kaveh could muster up a response, Alhaitham continued in a quiet voice.

"I know you're scared of it. I know what made you the way you are today. I know how it makes you feel, just the mere thought of someone seeing through you, through your walls. You're terrified of it, because anyone seeing past them, wouldn't find anything waiting patiently there for them. But— Kaveh, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Where everyone explicitly acts upon it, you just— are. And I want you just like that— Just to be. By my side. No obligations or needs to fulfil."

People say that pomegranates are the hardest fruit to peel— the messiness of the process deters most of them, a vast majority adhering from even purchasing one, mind already set on finding a different fruit, one that doesn't stain the surface of the wooden counter in the kitchen, with no mess to clean up after.

The few that do decide on taking the arduous path of peeling one— get to experience the bare shining burgundy seeds that lie within, and all their feats are well-earned.

But there is no reward that happened here, and Alhaitham's feats aren't rewarded by a kiss, nor an abrupt change of heart.

No grand affection from Kaveh's side, no sudden confession.

It was met simply with a long-held exhale, a slump of a body against his, and Alhaitham accepted it with a teary smile.

To let one rest their exhausted soul on another, is enough for Alhaitham. He's never wanted anything more.

Because to some people, peeling a pomegranate for another is the utmost confession they could ever receive.

Meaning more than any words could perceive, even for a linguist like Alhaitham.

The silence spoke for Kaveh instead.

He'll stay.