Chapter Text
“Why are you telling me this?”
Stratt sat at her desk, hands forming a bridge with her fingers. Her ever intense stare cut through Carl, trying to shrink him to some tiny afterthought under her gaze. He didn't budge.
“I'm affording you additional clearance. Don't act like you don't know why.”
He kept his composure firm. Now was not the time to let his guard down, even if he knew it was useless.
Stratt sighed, agitated.
“You think I didn't have eyes all over the vat? I did. Nothing gets by me, Stevens. Nothing.”
Carl blinked, but otherwise kept his eyes focused on his superior. No words would do him service.
“Every parting glance. Touch of hands. All those little–” she shifted her face away from him shamefully, cutting herself short.
“...I saw everything. I'm trying to offer you the opportunity to see him off. You should take it.”
Carl steeled himself, hands clasped before his belt. “Why does it have to be him? You know he won't consent to this.”
Stratt pulled a deep breath through her nose, closing her eyes.
“The launch date is too soon. We don't have time to train another scientist.”
Stratt looked to him, the irritation clear on her face. “You know this. And I know why you're asking.”
Carl's gaze drifted to the floor.
“I don't want to let him go, either,” She admitted.
When his eyes met Stratt’s again they were watery. A glaze had settled over them, unsettlingly out of character for the woman he'd come to know as utterly cold and emotionless.
It was enough to make him buckle. Carl turned away with a huff, placing his hand onto the office window for support. He looked out to the gentle spring afternoon. The sky was dim and threatened to rain.
It was perfect, by Grace's standards. Clouds gathered just enough to tint the sky, leaving plenty of room for the sun to shine through the haze. The faint chill of the breeze was ideal for a soft, warm sweater. The rain had yet to fall, but the humidity gave the air the faintest tinge of moist sweetness.
Carl never liked the rain before.
Every storm would remind him of Grace.
Carl braced himself against the window. His eyes clenched as he tried to restrain his emotion from pouring out. He sucked in a breath, shaky and pointedly unprofessional.
Everything he'd done for the last few months had been deeply, painfully unprofessional.
It didn't seem like there would be any consequences. He had wanted it to be something more, but Carl would have been content with his time spent together with Grace ending with the mission’s launch. Something fun between friends. Something they could look back on and laugh. He might never see Grace again, and he had told himself that was fine.
At least, it had been fine when he knew that Grace would still be out there - somewhere. There would have been the opportunity for them to keep in touch. Carl could have offered to visit him in San Francisco. He could have introduced himself to his class on a visit.
Carl would have had the opportunity to ask for them to be more. More than just a secret. Now he'd never get the chance.
Stratt was at his side now, an arm draped over his shoulder. It felt like permission to let go. Silently, the tears that had been threatening to breach the dams of his eyes spilled over. He held his chest impossibly tight, stifling the heaves of sobs that wanted to shake out from his ribs.
She wrapped herself tighter around him, bringing her other arm around his chest. Stratt trembled against Carl's frame, using him as a support as her own carefully constructed walls finally collapsed.
It was as close as anyone could come to understanding. There was still a part of Carl that wanted to rip himself away. She was the one who was sending him off. It was her decision. But, he couldn’t deny that she seemed as angry with herself as he was with her.
It was an impossible position to be in. Dubois and Shapiro had fallen victim to a horrible accident. The clock was ticking - not just for them, but for all of humanity. Stratt was right, as much as he hated to admit it. Grace was the only person qualified to fill the gap they had left behind.
There was a horrible, selfish part of himself that didn’t care. Carl wanted the whole mission to be postponed. They could train someone else and get them onboarded and he would have more time to watch Grace teach. They would have more time on the vat. Carl would have a new appreciation of Grace, knowing that their time together was so fragile.
But it was too late. The decision had already been made. Grace would object, obviously. Knowing him, he would put up a struggle. Carl, being the strong-arm, would have to aid in forcing him into submission.
And then he would be gone.
Absently, he thought that he would need to call his sister. She was the only person he’d actually told. There wasn’t much that she could do to console him, but he had to share the grief with someone, right? Someone besides Stratt. He wouldn’t have the time to share it with Grace.
He wouldn’t even get the chance to say goodbye.
Carl sank to the floor. Every new realization washed over him like thundering waves. The delicate structures on the shore fell into the ocean one by one. He didn’t even realize how many of them were there to fall.
“When?” He managed to strain out.
Stratt had her arms wrapped around his knees, forehead pressed into his thigh. She heaved a sigh.
Her tone fell back into a familiar, calculated detachment. “I tell him in forty-five minutes. If he doesn’t immediately accept, we will need to intervene in four hours.”
Carl stared out the window. He watched as the rain gradually began to collect on the glass.
“Would you like to be there?”
He turned to face her. Stratt’s eyes were so cold in the light of the window that they were nearly silver.
“No.”
As much as Carl wanted to see Grace, he knew he couldn’t bear to be in the same room with him for that conversation. He could already imagine the terror on his face. The way tears would brace against the edges of his gentle eyes. How his glasses would be pushed up out of his face in an anxious gesture, clinging around his hair or dangling from his ears at an odd angle.
It made Carl’s chest dare to erupt. Again, he forced it back. More tears raced down his cheeks in protest of his abstinence.
“Carl.” Stratt addressed him by his first name for the first and only time.
“If you truly love him–”
“Stop.”
Stratt was silent for a moment. She unwound herself from Carl’s legs, bringing her arms to hug around her own knees in their place.
“It’s not an order. I’m just offering a suggestion. If you want to let him know at all, you should do it soon.”
Carl wiped at his nose with the back of his hand. She was right. He wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to follow through.
“Four hours?” Carl asked.
Stratt nodded, lips pressed together into a line. “That’s all we have left with him.”
“I know my remaining time with Grace isn’t going to be pleasant. It’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life.”
“Please,” She looked to Carl, pleading. “Don’t do that to yourself. Try to do something. Anything that will bring some joy to this. If you can.”
Carl chewed at his bottom lip. Every second felt like it was slipping between his fingers as he sat idly on the floor.
“I’ll try.”