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"Do you think we'll find each other when we get out of here?" Ragatha asked quietly.
She looked beautiful like this, her yarn hair sprawled out beneath her on the artificial grass, her eye was shining in the moonlight.
"When we get out of here?" He questioned for a moment, his teasing tone lighter in his voice than usual.
She blinked, before nodding slowly and looking away from the stars, and Jax wondered for a moment if Ragatha had always had those faint freckles on her cheeks. Her lip quivered, but she refused to let a tear slip. Jax suddenly couldn't find it within himself to tell her that they were trapped here forever, that they were never escaping.
"Yeah," he said effortlessly, "I’ll find you," he added.
He didn't mention that there was no ending to the circus, there was no off switch. He didn't tell her that escaping was never an option, that this was their life now. He would lie forever if it meant she continued to talk about her past life. About her chickens, her dog, and her horses. About how she couldn't wait to see them again, go horse riding -- even hearing about the mundane things like how she missed feeding them had him reeled in.
He hated it, hated the way she always managed to slip back into his thoughts. Always had to have that stupid smile on her face, always had to lay a soft, warm hand on his own. He didn't deserve it, no one did, and he couldn't understand why all she seemed to do was give when Jax had never given her anything.
"Really?" Ragatha asked shyly, her face slightly flushed as she turned her head to face him. She couldn't fight it anymore, and a tear fell down her face.
Jax couldn't look her in the eye. "Yeah, whatever."
Ragatha sniffled, and more tears fell. She bit her lip in an attempt to stifle them.
Jax looked anywhere but her, feeling his body tense. He was never good with comforting, he wasn't sure what to do.
"Why?" Ragatha asked, tears still streaming down. "Why?" she repeated, voice cracking.
Why? How could he possibly answer that?
Because I really like you, because you deserve to be loved, because you deserve everything and I can't give you anything.
"I don't deserve it," she sniffled.
Even while crying she was still so beautiful.
“Don't deserve what?" He started to pick at his skin, pulling on his fur. "Don't read into it so much," He scoffed. “It'd be pretty hard not to recognize you.”
"I..." Ragatha hugged herself. "I mean, when we do escape, you'd probably be sick of me already. Right?" She smiled as she wiped away her tears.
Jax's eye brows furrowed, turning to look at her. Ragatha was always one for wishful thinking-- when we escape. He almost wanted to laugh in her face. But here, lying on the cold grass as they watched the starry sky, he could almost feel a flicker of hope. Something closer to peace and contentment. It was a rather different emotion compared to the usual anxious and stressful environment he was so used to. He didn't want to think about how it was because he could almost feel the warmth radiating off of Ragatha lying so close to him-- or the way just looking at her could put him at ease. When he was here with her, he could almost believe it. He could almost believe that one day, things could be different.
He could escape.
You'd be sick of me already, she said. He wished that could be true. There was never going to be a world where he didn’t fall in love with her and hated himself for it.
Jax laughed before the sound slowly went quiet. Ragatha just looked at him with a frown, as new tears fell down her eye.
Dammit. He’s such an idiot.
"No," Jax huffed, rolling his eyes. "Don't ask stupid questions."
Ragatha looked down, sniffling as tears still fell down her cheek, but a small smirk showed on her face at his remark. "Sorry," she mumbled.
"Shut up." Jax looked away, not being able to face her anymore.
After a moment, Jax shook his head and chuckled. "C'mon, let's go find Ribbit." Jax smiled, sitting up. Ragatha quickly followed after him.
Jax grabbed on to Ragatha's hand, pulling her towards the others.
Ragatha felt her heart flip again, the same way it had a million times with Jax.
It was a flicker of something. But she knew Jax was a man, and that knowledge squashed any flicker of something more.
She had only ever felt attraction to women. Back in the human world, she would bury that feeling down. She wasn't supposed to feel that way towards women-- it was disgraceful, it was a sin, and she hated herself for it. It was something she knew she could never let herself have. She tried not to think about that as much though, now that she was in the circus indefinitely, anyway.
Sometimes, she silently wished Jax were a girl. If Jax were a girl, she would be in love with her. Jax would be beautiful, and loving…
It almost felt right, when she imagined him as a woman instead…
Everything in the circus was so confusing.
In another life, maybe. Maybe Jax was a woman, and maybe Ragatha fell deeply in love with her. In another life, Ragatha thought, smiling when she saw Jax let out a small chuckle, (she could swear she saw him blush a little).
In another life…
---
"W-what?" Ragatha stuttered, her heart pounding in her chest.
"I'm.. I'm a girl." Jax said, fists clenched as she stared down at her feet. Pomni stood next to her, smiling, and Ragatha could tell she was proud of Jax. "I was always a girl, I just..." She swallowed, trailing off when she looked up at Ragatha.
Ragatha didn't mean to look taken aback, she didn't mean to look disapproving. It's just that---
"And that's fine with you, right Ragatha?" Pomni asked, though her voice was stern and concerned. Clearly protective over Jax, who was starting to pick at her hands and bite her lip.
After Ribbit abstracted, and Jax started acting differently, any previous feelings towards Jax disappeared. Jax felt like an entirely different person than the one she started to get to know before everything happened.
But now, seeing Jax as who she truly was, all of the feelings came back. The butterflies she'd feel fluttering in her chest, the thoughts of another life, the way her face used to flush, everything she felt before Ribbit abstracted and Jax pushed her away. Before Jax abstracted and before they had to wait months before Caine found a way to save the abstracted starting with Jax and---
Here she was, standing in front of Ragatha. She looked the same, except she was wearing a little red bow on her ear.
She was beautiful. She was gorgeous when she was being herself, being who she truly was all along.
It didn't have to be another life, because she was in this life and Jax was a woman and--
and Ragatha realized she was in love with her. This was the version of Jax she got a glimpse of before.
Everything made sense now.
"Oh, Jax--" Ragatha smiled, and she couldn't fight the blush that she could feel heating up her cheeks. "O-of course it's okay!" She quickly rambled before they got the wrong idea.
"See, I told you it'd be fine" Pomni said, immediately relaxing at that. Jax looked back up at Ragatha and smiled sheepishly.
"Actually, I was thinking about going by Lily now." Jax said, so quietly, Ragatha could tell she was still nervous and she was so cute.
"Lily," Ragatha repeated.
"I know it's kinda stupid, I don't know I've just always liked the name-- I might change it or--"
"I think it's lovely," Ragatha smiled. "And I think it suits you."
Jax blushed, shaking her head and chuckling. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means.." Ragatha came closer to her. "I think It's a beautiful name for a beautiful girl."
Ragatha loved the way Lily's face immediately turned red, her cocky grin quickly being replaced by her flustered state. Ragatha couldn't help but laugh.
Pomni giggled, squeezing Lily's hand in hers. "See!" She smiled looking at Lily's flushed face before looking back at Ragatha. "That's exactly what I said!"
---
"Hey, Ragatha?" Lily mumbled, and she started fiddling with her hands again. A nervous habit.
They were lying on Lily's bed now, staring up at the starry ceiling. Something they used to do before... everything.
It was nice, just to relax with Lily again. It didn't help that her heart would race anytime Lily moved closer to her, though.
"Yeah?" Ragatha sat up to look at Lily, who was notably avoiding her gaze. Well, it's a start.
"I.. know that this doesn't forgive anything. That... I hurt you, Ragatha. I'm," Lily paused, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I'm sorry. For everything. I don't expect you to forgive me." Lily frowned, and Ragatha could tell there was tears forming in her eyes. "And I should have apologized sooner, before dumping this whole trans thing on to you, I'm sorry."
Ragatha shook her head. "You didn't dump anything on me." she said. "Regardless of what you did, you're not a burden for showing us who you are, who you always were." She smiled. “And I'm so happy you told me.”
Ragatha paused as she looked at Lily, who was patiently waiting for her to continue.
Ragatha felt the urge to profusely apologize for making Lily think that she even had to say sorry for anything-- to easily forgive her and pretend she can forget everything that happened. Forget all the pain she caused. But Ragatha also knew that she had nothing to apologize for, that she was allowed to feel apprehensive about forgiving Lily-- that she was allowed to not forgive her at all.
She didn't have to be scared to stand up for herself. Her mother wasn't here to control her.
If Susie could free herself, then maybe Ragatha could, too.
"Listen, Lily," She sighed. "It's... I can't just forget everything that happened. I can't move on like you never hurt me."
Lily stiffened, biting her lip. "I- I understand--"
"Let me finish," Ragatha laughed, shaking her head. "But I can tell you're trying. I know you want to get better. I can't forgive you for what happened, but..." Ragatha placed her hand on Lily's shoulder. "I'm willing to put it behind us. I want us to continue to work on ourselves together. I still want us to be friends."
Lily relaxed at that, and then she was shaking and crying and Ragatha wrapped her arms around her. "You're so beautiful, Lily. So beautiful."
When Lily stopped crying, they were lying on her bed again, holding each other's hands. Ragatha could get used to this.
They can never escape the circus. That was something Ragatha used to fear more than anything when she came here. It meant she would forever have to live knowing that she never got to escape from her mom. She would never know what it was like to be free, to be herself, to be happy.
But now, after everything, she knew that wasn't true.
This whole time, she thought she failed. She thought she never got to escape. But really, Susie was living her best life without her mother, without someone controlling her. She got to have a job she loved and friends who loved and supported her. She got away. Her heart swelled with pride for her human counterpart.
Ragatha may not get to live the life she thought she would. She may be stuck in the circus forever, but Ragatha liked to think she escaped, too. She’ll never have to live with her mother again, never have to face her. She was allowed to be herself here. She was allowed to take up space here. She knew what freedom was, what being herself feels like, she knows she's happy here. She wasn't afraid anymore.
Lily, too. Out there, Lee was learning to accept herself– she was working towards being better. In here, Lily was working on herself, too. Lily was being herself, accepting herself.
They escaped, and they found each other, despite everything.
Lying with Lily feels like a dream she would have had years ago. But it was real, it was real, and they were safe.
She’s glad she is able to be in love with Lily in this life.