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Prologue
Why couldn’t he do anything to stop him? Why did he let Tsukasa get so bad? He said a year ago that if he did something bad to himself, he would stop him…but he didn’t. He allowed Tsukasa to feel despair and pain Rui never thought Tsukasa would feel under his guidance. He let someone else make Tsukasa feel pain and barely did anything to intervene. As a director, and more importantly his friend, it’s his job to make sure all of his actors are safe. Even though he didn’t technically make Tsukasa go through hell for this role (and even tried stopping him early on), he still wasn’t strong enough to push back before it was too late. Sure, it’s good that Emu and the rest of them stepped in when they did, but Rui knows Tsukasa cannot possibly recover quickly. After seeing the once bright, shining eyes go dull along with his usually boisterous voice, Rui knew he messed up. He failed him as a director and friend.
…
And it’s even worse that even though Sakaki’s methods nearly drove Tsukasa to madness, he also created one of Tsukasa’s best performances in the process. Rui wanted to throw up after watching Tsukasa’s last performance, how well he portrayed his role without Rui’s help. It was truly an awful feeling. He resented Sakaki for what he did to Tsukasa, but he was jealous. Jealous that he wasn’t the one to bring Tsukasa to his whole potential. He shouldn’t even be feeling this. It was selfish to be jealous of someone who used unethical methods. It was selfish to be jealous of the man that nearly broke Tsukasa for a role. Why couldn’t he be the one to lift Tsukasa up and bring out his star-quality?
…
He knew why. It’s because he’ll never be good enough for Tsukasa and the rest of Wondershow. He was barely learning new techniques to direct the three of them better, and it was costing them. Because he wasn’t learning vocal techniques, he was putting all of the pressure on Nene to teach the rest of them. Because he couldn’t explain how to make Tsukasa’s acting better, Sakaki swooped in and made Tsukasa into the star he wanted to be. Because he wasn’t strong enough, he didn’t stop Tsukasa early enough to save him from the dread of Sakaki’s methods.
Because he wasn’t strong enough, he couldn’t let his troupe go on their different paths to success. In the end, he was truly just a selfish person.
Scene I
A week had gone by since their last show, and they all collectively decided to take a break from acting, singing, and shows. They all needed it. Rui especially knew Tsukasa needed it after that grueling part. Rui didn’t speak of it, he didn’t know how to even bring it up. Seeing Tsukasa so…lifeless felt wrong.
Rui sat at his desk, giving Nenerobo upgrades he promised he would give to Nene. His eyes blinked heavily, so he checked his clock. 12:49am. Guess he was doing another all-nighter. It didn’t really concern him. Tomorrow was Saturday, and he had nothing to do. Why spend crucial time sleeping when he could be working! That was way more fun. So he fought the waves of exhaustion as he tinkered.
Nene said that the program that usually sets time limits for how long she can practice (so she didn’t overwork herself) wasn’t working. He thought it was because Nenerobo’s internal clock broke after one of the practices, but it was completely untouched once he reached it. He tapped his pen on his chin, trying to think.
“Maybe if I made an A.I to track voice and body language, that could’ve stopped Tsukasa from-”
Wait, why was he thinking that? Everything was fine. Tsukasa was back to normal and talking with everyone again. They were taking a break, so why was Rui thinking about that show again? Guess that is the bad thing about all-nighters, they bring out thoughts you desperately don’t want to hear. Rui was still nervous about Tsukasa’s mental health. He’d never seen the star so destroyed. Rui promised himself that nothing like that would ever happen again. Yet, when he thinks back to that last show, instead feeling the usual anxiety he was feeling, he felt…angry? Why was he angry? Sure, it does feel frustrating as a director when your ideas aren’t the ones to bring everyone on top, but it was one time. Rui knew how much could be pushed now…but maybe he could push him more.
Rui slapped his face. That was a terrible thought. Sakaki already pushed him to his limits, and Tsukasa nearly lost himself. These feelings were not valid. He shouldn’t be jealous, he shouldn’t feel inadequate to the rest of his troupe. He’ll just have to push these feelings deep so they couldn’t possibly resurface.
“Resurface…”
Rui pushed Nenerobo’s wires out of the way, and he saw something shining at the back of her circuit board. He grabbed a loose bolt that jammed some of the wires. He turned the anthropomorphic robot on and set a timer for five seconds.
Five, four, three, two, one- BEEP BEEP BEEP
He turned her off and clapped his hands in success. Yeah, he was a valued member of Wondershow. What was he even thinking? Maybe the tiredness was getting the best of him. He should go to sleep. Rui fell onto his couch and allowed himself to rest.
Scene II
“Breakfast with my friends ! Breakfast with my friends !” Emu chanted as they walked along the sidewalk. In true Rui fashion, he did have something in the morning, and was impolitely woken up by Nene, reminding him about their brunch with WxS. Now he was groggly walking next to Tsukasa as Nene and Emu were a few feet in front of them.
“Were you up working last night?” Tsukasa rubbed Rui’s back. Rui slouched and nodded in guilt.
“Don’t tell Emu, but I kind of forgot about brunch,” Rui chuckled.
“Still, you should be getting sleep. That’s why we’re taking a break,” Tsukasa patted his head before returning his hand to his side. Rui nodded, but wasn’t truly in the conversation. He knew he would fall asleep at the diner, so he was thinking of excuses to give ahead of time.
“Hey, I know the girls are going back to Emu’s house to hang out, do you want to hang out together?” Tsukasa turned his head to the very tired Rui.
“Yeah, I’d love to. Where should we go afterwards?”
“Want to come over to my house? There’s some leftover candy Saki said I could share with friends. Plus, my parents and Saki won’t be home, so it’d be…nice having someone around,” Tsukasa ended his statement softly.
“That sounds good. Where is your family?”
“My parents are out for a business meeting, and my sister is having a sleepover with her band…by the way-” Tsukasa cut himself off and looked to the side.
That was weird.
“What were you saying?” Rui smiled, trying to open Tsukasa up.
“Oh, I was thinking if you’d want to sleepover, that’s fine with me, but you probably want to get home to get back to work, huh” Tsukasa playfully punched Rui’s shoulder. Despite that, Rui saw Tsukasa’s eyes linger on him a little longer than usual.
“Nah, I already finished the upgrades for Nenerobo. I’d rather do a sleepover, if you don’t mind,”
“Not at all! That’s why I suggested it!” Tsukasa ran up to the rest of the group, and Rui followed after him. Rui looked over at Tsukasa a few times to see if those lifeless eyes were seen anywhere, but he did seem back to normal.
Scene III
“Wow, that breakfast was sooo yum yum ! Did you guys like your food?” Emu dashed out of the diner.
“Yeah, it was good! I guess Rui’s food was so good he ended up falling asleep over it,” Nene poked his shoulder.
“I guess you saw that…”
“Yes. We all did. Tsukasa, make this kid go to sleep tonight, okay?” Nene pointed at the troupe leader. He did a dramatic salute.
“Of course, our diva. Let’s go, Rui!” Tsukasa grabbed onto Rui’s wrist and started running. Rui waved a quick goodbye before being dragged away. Emu giggled while Nene rolled her eyes with a smirk.
Rui tapped Tsukasa on the shoulder to make them stop. Rui took some deep, shaking breaths after all the running.
“Oops, sorry Rui! I guess I was just really excited,” Tsukasa laughed.
“It’s okay. You also have way more stamina in general,” Rui smiled before the words tasted bitter. Just another thing he could improve on. They walked at a pace Rui could keep up with, and soon enough, Tsukasa’s front door was being opened for him. As soon as they walked in, a strong smell of citrus hit Rui. He quickly takes off his shoes and puts them next to Tsukasa’s.
“Feel free to go up to my room. I’ll grab us some water,” Tsukasa stated, already heading for the kitchen. Rui walked up the stairs, each small step up making a slightly loud creak. It wasn’t even abnormally loud,
It was the complete silence of the house that made it louder than usual.
Rui reached Tsukasa’s bedroom and made himself comfortable by laying down on his bed, staring aimlessly at the ceiling. Since Tsukasa didn’t exactly have…four walls, he could hear noises from the kitchen easily. Rui twirled his hair as reminisced back to a week ago. He remembered Tsukasa saying something about him being left home alone once when he was very young. But from what Tsukasa was saying during practice and when he was completely lost in his role, it seemed to have taken a toll on him, even subconsciously. Rui could understand why as a child, he was so afraid of being home alone after that time. The house’s big size almost made it feel quieter. Not quiet in the sense of tranquility, but loud silence that made the air heavy.
“Rui! Are you listening?” Tsukasa leaned above Rui, putting his hands to his hips and pouting. Rui shook his head and shifted to lay on his right. Tsukasa sat next to him, putting their waters on the floor in front of them.
“Sorry. Your bed is so comfy, I think I started to doze off!” Rui stretched his arms.
“I know, sleeping on a bed is much more comfortable than on that couch,” Tsukasa teased.
“But you know I can’t fit a bed in that garage!”
“Then don’t sleep in your garage!”
“But what if I get sudden inspiration late at night? Then I would have to drag myself down the stairs and hope my parents don’t catch me sneaking off to the garage-”
“Then write it down so you don’t forget,” Tsukasa sipped his water and crisscrossed his legs. Rui dramatically sighed as he went back to laying on his back. The two sat in silence, the only thing they could hear was the soft breaths they took. Rui slightly tilted his head up to look at Tsukasa’s face. His eyes more specifically. He did seem much better, he was talking normal and back to his exaggerated self, but every now and again, he would see a look of intense thinking or guilt that wasn’t typical. He didn’t see quite that, but he wasn’t exactly looking great.
He shouldn’t ask…should he?
Last time he didn’t push, Tsukasa didn’t talk to anyone and isolated himself for his role. As his director, and more importantly his friend, he needed to be stronger and risk asking uncomfortable questions.
“Are you okay?”
…
Tsukasa turned his head, their eyes meeting. He lifted his eyebrow in confusion and smiled.
“Yeah, I’m…I’m okay. It definitely has been an…experience getting back to thinking normally after that show, but with you and Wondershow, I was able to grip back to reality…and remember that I will always have people with me. I’m not alone, and you made me remember that,” Tsukasa picked at his cuticles and smiled. This time, genuinely. Rui couldn’t help but feel guilt, and worse, anger. He wasn’t the one to make the Tsukasa he knew and loved back to normal; it was Emu, Nene, Wondershow that helped Tsukasa first. They were the ones to reach out to him first, they made the first step, not Rui. Because…
“I’m not enough,” Rui whispered, but since the room was silent, Tsukasa heard him clearly. Rui’s eyes widened and he looked to the left, not wanting to look at Tsukasa. He knew what he would see, he didn’t need to confirm it. But he would get a response from his statement anyway. Tsukasa quickly laid beside him, resting on his side to face Rui.
“Why would you ever say that about yourself!?” Tsukasa whispered back. Despite no one being home, the whispers felt as if Tsukasa understood the vulnerability.
Rui sighed before continuing, “It’s true. While you all are moving ahead in your acting and knowledge, I’m falling behind. It’s such a pleasure watching you all start to shine more and more, but I’m barely catching up now” Tsukasa put his hand to his chin before speaking again.
“Rui,” The taller boy looked at Tsukasa. “You are doing great. I’ve seen you grow from a director who was creating shows for others to a director who takes risks, who pushes us to be our best, and one who creates unforgettable shows. I don’t know how you got those thoughts in your head, but you are keeping up with us. We wouldn’t be Wondershow without you”.
…
No, Wondershow would be skyrocketing into stardom without him. They would be better off with someone with Sakaki’s talent.
But he needs to be wanted. Being someone that gives absolutely nothing while someone else takes the opportunity to make his friends better actors pains him. It angers him. Rui wants to be the one to lift them up. Hearing that he’s a valued member of their troupe has always felt great, but not after seeing someone who actually did a better job than him.
“You look…deep in thought,” Tsukasa commented. Rui bit his lip, trying to contain the word vomit that threatened to come out. He wanted to cry badly, but he fought back tears as hard as he could. Rui rubbed his eyes with his palms aggressively, hoping that maybe he could remove the ability to cry all together. Tsuksasa grabbed his wrists though.
“Don’t do that. It will irritate your eyes-” Tsukasa stopped talking, seeing Rui’s puffy eyes and kept his hand hovering over Rui. Rui would’ve pressed his hands back to his eyes, but he knew Tsukasa would stop him again. So he let himself be vulnerable and allowed Tsukasa to see his face, tired and emotional.
“I just…” Rui’s eyes started to become glossy. Rui put his arm on his eyes, starting to hide himself again and not wanting to talk. He shouldn’t want comfort for such an unfair feeling.
Rui felt a sudden weight around him, and finally couldn’t hold back the word vomit, the tears, and the feelings.
“I’m so mad that I wasn’t the one to create your best performance. It was…Sakaki that made you into the star you want to be. But I was the one that promised to make you into a star. I’m supposed to be the director that pushes you…all to be the best you can be, but I’m not,” Rui sobbed silently, wrapping his arms around Tsukasa to reciprocate the hug. Tsukasa rubbed Rui’s shoulder, nodding his head to Rui’s ramblings.
“I’m…horribly jealous. I hate this. I shouldn’t be. It’s bad to be jealous, but I can’t stop this feeling. I shouldn’t even be telling you this, I’m sorry,” Rui cried into the crook of Tsukasa’s neck. Tsukasa sat them up to look at Rui. The latter awkwardly itched his neck, embarrassed by his words.
“I overshared a bit. Sorry, ignore me,” Rui chuckled. But the troupe leader wasn’t going to forget. His eyebrows furrowed as he put his hand to his chin.
“You are a great director, Rui. There’s no doubt about that. I hate to see you bring yourself down when you’re one of the most talented directors I’ve ever worked with,”
“Then why can’t I do better and give you better feedback and advice to help you?”
“Because it’s my fault,” Tsukasa cut him off. “If I was a better actor, I would be able to pull off the shows that you have in your head,”
…
What?
“But Tsukasa-kun, you are a good actor. I just saw you do one of the best performances a week ago. It made people cry, for god’s sake,”
“But a true star can pull off that performance with any type of direction. Plus, I scared you all, I freaked out my sister, and I had to recover severely after. I feel horrible because I’m not an actor that can perform your shows the way you want them, you’re feeling inferior,” Tsukasa explained.
So Tsukasa was…also frustrated? He was thinking he was the problem? Rui already knew if they kept going in circles trying to validate the other’s work, the issue wouldn’t be resolved.
“Tsukasa, don’t think this is your fault. I think we’re putting too much pressure on ourselves. Do we want to continue this discussion later-”
“Not until you understand that you are a worthy director, okay? Say, “I’m a good director, and deserve to be with my troupe”!” Tsukasa poked Rui. He laughed until he saw that Tsukasa was completely serious.
“Fine. I’m a good director, and deserve to be with my troupe,” Rui rolled his eyes while saying the corny quote. Tsukasa smiled and was about to get up before Rui spoke again.
“Now you have to say “I’m an amazing actor who always does the best he can, and I deserve to be with my troupe”,” Rui smirked. He wasn’t letting him get off Scott-Free.
“Ugh, I’m an amazing actor who always does the best he can, and I deserve to be with my troupe. Now let’s make some dinner together!” Tsukasa grabbed Rui’s wrist and brought him downstairs.
Scene IV
One messy kitchen and chaotic laughter later, they sat next to each other at the dining table, eating their food (which ended up tasting really good, even if Rui and Tsukasa burnt some of it). Even if it was Rui’s suggestion to drop the conversation for now, the whole thing still circulated his mind.
“Rui?”
“What’s up?”
“Do you actually believe I’m a good actor?” Tsukasa looked up from his dish into Rui’s eyes.
“Of course. It might not seem like that from how much I critique you, but I do that because I see what you can do. I wouldn’t be hard on you and push you if I didn’t believe you were a worthy actor. You already proved that way back when you made that show for me to join back,” Rui smiled. The answer seemed to satisfy Tsukasa as he went back to eating with a brighter smile than before.
…
Rui hated that he wanted to ask the same question. Tsukasa already told him that he thinks he’s a good director. There was no need to ask again.
…
“Do you truly believe I’m a good director? You weren’t just saying that to be nice? I want the truth,” Rui shamefully looked away. Some silence was shared. He just said he could handle the truth, but he couldn’t even admit that if Tsukasa said “no”, he would be crushed.
“I do believe you’re a great director, Rui. And that’s why I hate to see you think low of yourself. But if you need me to remind you of that, I’ll be more than happy to brag about you!” Tsukasa laughed with full sincerity. Ever since Rui was young, whenever someone would brag about him or even just show off his skills, he would get shy. That usually ended up with even more praise for being “humble”. So of course, Rui blushed at the thought of his best friend boasting about him if he was ever upset.
“Maybe not in public though,” But he also couldn’t deny the euphoria that would come from said praise. Tsukasa smirked at his usually sly friend being shy.
“I wouldn’t expect you to be so humble about a friend simply reminding you about how great you are, but you continue to surprise me in amazing ways,” Tsukasa elbowed the other playfully. The two of them laughed.
Epilogue
Things weren’t back to normal yet, and that was okay. The two had some things to work on. Whether it was just improving in acting and directing, or reminding themselves to not criticize themselves as much. They both had places to improve on, but improvement doesn’t come from beating yourself up. The two of them were always going to be for each other, even in small ways.
They’ll mess up, fight, and change again. But they’ll remind each other that they are enough.
Tsukasa was enough for Rui’s direction
And Rui was enough for Tsukasa’s star quality.