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You’re an angel, I’m a dog
Or you’re a dog, and I’m your man
Rex has always been loyal to a fault. Anakin loves it and he hates hates hates it. He doesn’t deserve Rex’s loyalty now, and he doubts that he ever will. How could he? Loyalty is for people who are safe enough to be loyal to. For people who can protect their charges better than Anakin can. It’s not something to give out easily. Recklessly. It should be handed out with intention and conviction. Giving it to the wrong person could end in devastation, disaster. Devotion to somebody is dangerous, incredibly so. Because he knows this, he also knows that he is too rash, too eager, too irrational to be gifted such things.
Too angry, too bitter, and too untrustworthy whispers a voice in the back of his mind. He pushes it away before it can make roots and fester.
There is an intimacy in giving somebody your loyalty: with it, you give them your safety, your belief, your heart, your very soul. It is intimidating and it is terrifying and it is loving. Rex has not only given Anakin his allegiance but also his love, and Anakin feels an intense need to handle it gently because Rex trusts him with it.
You believe me like a God.
How funny is that? Rex trusts him with it. He believes that Anakin can hold his heart in his hands and not break it into pieces. He had seen the very worst of him and still willingly allowed him to bear a part of his soul. Not many people trust him with such important things. In fact, the clone might be the only person who does at the moment. The council doesn’t trust him enough to make him a master, they don’t trust him with the highest-stake missions, even Obi-Wan, his mentor, his brother-
This thought process is thrown out quickly. He is a Jedi, and Jedi don’t (or is it shouldn’t?) think such things. He supposes he’s just providing more reasoning to his idea that his captain shouldn’t have given up such a precious part of himself. Selfishly, though, he’s very glad for it. Some days he thinks the only thing holding him together is that love. The calloused hands that roam his skin when he feels as if he will never be able to tolerate touch again. The warm eyes that watch his every movement when it seems there isn’t a single person who sees past his act. The lips that whisper reassurance and press kisses into him when he thinks he will be overwhelmed by the burdens that have been placed on him. What remains of his battered and cracking soul may give up on itself if it wasn’t for his love and the will to prove himself. Anakin knows it’s self-serving to let Rex do this, but how could he not? How could he take love from this man he adores and throw it back in his face?
I’ll destroy you like I am.
He is greedy and he is awful and he is so full of love that he has given his love and loyalty in return. A deep, intense loyalty that he does not give away easily because he knows, he has been taught, that it is a risky thing for a Jedi to hand out. He is loyal to the Jedi. To the republic. To the 501st. To Obi-wan, to Ahsoka, and to Padmé. He is loyal to Rex. He thinks that his greatest devotion lies with him.
As for his love, Anakin is well aware that he is not a trusting person when it comes to his heart. Who could blame him for that? He was born and raised a slave. The order had taught him that attachments brought about your downfall since he was a child. Obviously he had his qualms with that lesson, but most of all, he knows his heart is destructive. Most who hold a piece of him have suffered greatly for it. The only reason he has allowed anyone to claim a portion of his soul is because once they have taken it, there is no length he would not go to if it meant protecting them. If they are worth that extent of allegiance from him, then they are also deserving of his heart. It is a terrible and wonderful thing to be loved by Anakin Skywalker.
He’s inclined to think it more of a terrible thing when the dreams begin.
I’m sorry I’m the one you love
No one will ever love me like you again
They are severe and horrifying dreams and Anakin is panicking because the last time he had these types of dreams his mother died, and he absolutely cannot let anything like that happen ever again. He couldn’t live with himself if he did. He dreads laying down to sleep because he can’t stand seeing the awful visions, he doesn’t know how to stop them, or furthermore how to prevent them from coming true. It’s as he spirals through this cycle for the umpteenth time that Rex confronts him about it. He asks Anakin, begs Anakin in his own way, to tell him what's going on. Why he’s been on a warpath lately, what is making him so desperate and defiant and angry because Rex has thought himself in circles trying to figure it out and fix it.
It’s his first instinct to lash out, to fight, to do absolutely anything to protect the heart Rex has given him from what Anakin has seen; but then he thinks that maybe, maybe if he makes his lover aware, they will be able to stop it together. So he tells him everything. He tells him of the dreams that are almost nightly now, in which he becomes something that he loathes the most, and he destroys Rex. Not by killing him, he doesn’t think anything could bring him to that point, but by turning into somebody unrecognizable, somebody that has ripped apart what has been entrusted to him so faithfully. He tells him how angry he is that these dreams are implying that he could ever turn to the dark. You are denying the only future you have, that vaguely familiar voice whispers, and Anakin does push it away, but not as firmly as he should.
Everything seems to spill out at once, and he finishes his rant by apologizing. Apologizing for being the person that Rex loves, for opening up this channel of possibility in the first place. He hasn’t looked at Rex while he has been speaking, but now he levels their gazes and is surprised to see no trace of fear or resentment in the others' eyes. All he finds is compassion and determination as he lifts his hands to hold his face and tells Anakin that he trusts him completely and that there is no way Rex will ever feel that way. In that moment, he is faced with the sudden and intense realization that he will never be loved this deeply again.
So when you leave me, I should die
I deserve it, don’t I?
But even though he knows Rex’s love for him is deep, he is keenly aware of the fact that Rex will leave him, sooner rather than later. In the ideal scenario, it will be by a natural death that came too fast because of the clone’s sped up aging process. He has a feeling, though, that it will come much more tragically. Anakin is firm in his self-reassurance that his feelings are not always right and that even if he loses Rex, it will not be by his own hand.
If he were to ever, ever do something that resulted in Rex being pushed from his life, he thinks his life would be over. Oh, he would certainly still be alive and breathing, but he doesn’t think he would truly live through that heartbreak. He doesn’t think he would really deserve too, either.
.
.
.
I can feel it getting near
Like flashlights coming down the way
Betrayal.
It was such an ugly word, wasn’t it? But that is what the Jedi had done: they’d betrayed the republic. He hadn’t believed it when he had first been told. The Jedi were too… passive for that. They couldn’t, wouldn’t, do something like this. They had never spoken of wanting to gain power, of wanting to overthrow the senate. Had they ever trusted him with any information of that sort, though? Would they have told him their plans at all?
No. No, they would not. They were always suspicious of him, and they would most certainly not.
The clone army was doing what they could now to eradicate the threat, and he was to lead a purge on the temple within the day. Many Jedi had already been defeated when the clones turned on them in battle. Although he knew the Jedi were much better than that. Stronger. They had been defeated purely because they were not expecting to be found out. They had grown secure in their plot, and thought themselves safe. Most of the 501st had kept their loyalties to the republic when their orders were given, but there had been a few… troubling reports of clones defecting and fighting beside the Jedi.
One of them had been Rex.
The thought came involuntarily. He didn’t want to think about Rex right now. Thinking about Rex defecting brought doubts. Doubts that would only hinder him when it came time to do what he needed. He would rather think about the battle. About the betrayal. About anything but Rex.
…He should have figured this would happen. The man had always been loyal to a fault. He would want more than anything to believe that the Jedi were innocent of the crimes accused of them. He said there was still time, that they would find Rex and tell him the truth. They would be together again soon. He would think that Anakin… Vader. He would think that Vader was one of the accused, surely.
Something cold twisted in his chest, something he refused to give a name. He said there was still time. There had to be more time. But what if there wasn’t? He knew Rex. He wouldn’t make a decision in the same way he would. The way he used too. It wouldn’t be rash and emotional. It would be thought-out and rational. Anakin knew how he felt about the sith, he had felt that way too up until very recently; but would Rex come back when he learned what had become of his lover? Oh, he would most definitely learn of it. Maybe not immediately, but…
One day you’ll figure me out
I’ll meet judgement by the hounds
He would be figured out. That was what worried him the most about the possibility of finding Rex. He knew Anakin better than anybody else did. He would recognize the bits of him left behind in Vader. The way he fought. The way he commanded. The way he consulted the force. That also meant Rex would see just how much of Anakin had been lost. He wasn’t sure he was ready to face that. To face the pain that he might bring upon the man he had loved so much. To hear the confirmation that he had made the wrong choice.
No. The thought came fiercely. The Jedi betrayed him. He had been right in joining the chancellor. If he hadn’t, the senate would have been overthrown and the Jedi would have succeeded with their needs that were fueled by a lust for power. Is that not why you joined Sideous? the voice whispered in his head. Was it not for the power he said would allow you to protect your beloved?
The thought was forced into silence when a crash sounded near him. As he stared at the broken object on the floor, he felt his anger turn into cold fear. Had he done that? Lost control to such an extent? He glanced at his hands to find they were shaking. He worked to still them as his previously silent mind suddenly started screaming a million thoughts at him.
People always gave me love
Others were never to blame after all
He supposed the worst part is that he knew exactly why this bothered him so much.
It had never happened when he was with the Jedi. No, not just with the Jedi. With Rex.
He stood unmoving as his mind raced. They might not have trusted him, but would that have come in time? He had told himself that since there was no trust, there surely wasn’t any love, but could he have been wrong? He knew he had loved people. Obi-Wan. Ahsoka. He had even grown to hold a type of love for his men. When he learned of their betrayal, he was shocked. He couldn’t imagine the Jedi doing it. Could it be that he had been manipulated?
No. He repeated again in his mind. This time he was not fierce. There was only bitter anger in the thought. A few people had loved him. It would always be his fault for ripping that away from them. He knew he was to blame for that, and maybe the rest had cared to some extent, but it had never been enough. It never would be enough. They had only kept him because of Qui-Gon’s idea that he was the so-called ‘chosen one.’ For the power it would give them if he was. They hadn’t truly cared about Anakin. But did that even matter? When so little of Anakin was left? With that thought, a steely resolve entered into his soul.
You believe me like a God.
Rex…
Rex had trusted Anakin with his heart.
Devoted himself to him.
Loved him.
Anakin had given all that and more in return.
I’ll betray you like a man
But Anakin Skywalker was no more.
And loving Rex had been the last good thing he would do.