Chapter Text
“—Frin!”
He opens his eyes the second he registers his name called, and is met with Mirabelle’s face over his, peering down, big bow and pretty eyes sparkling just a little. She has those little dangly things,
Ding ding sounds nice as I walk!
She looks just like back then—
“Good morning!”
( Siffrin realizes he is in hell like this; with two words from his best friend. )
— No,
No.
This is a nightmare. Siffrin has those sometimes. Most of the time. Sometimes. Time goes on but Odile said once that things like trauma still take their time to leave if they do at all, and they’ve talked about this, what to do whenever he has a nightmare. He waits for a bit to see if Mirabelle is going to act like the fake one in his nightmares. See if she'll yell at him for failing her, them, all of Dormont all of—
“Siffrin? Are you okay?”
“I need to wake up.” They reply, because speaking things to existence is good. It makes it more real. Talk about it, Siffrin, talk about your feelings, about your nightmares, talk about all of it because (Odile and Isa and Mira and Bonbon and even your therapist that Odile made you get) not talking is what made things go bad. Made you fuck up so badly you trapped—
Wait, no. Just. You just loved them that much. It was wrong but they forgave you so they—
Dream Mira’s expression is all worried, and she reaches to touch you and then doesn’t, and he thinks maybe this is the last straw, that it really is a nightmare that he’s fucking back there because she doesn’t want to touch you. Siffrin breathes in, and out.
He pinches himself as hard as he can.
[ Ouch! ]
“Sif— Siffrin? What are you, do you maybe—” Worry mixes with something else in her gaze, and it’s so surprising to see hope that they stop their next action (take out the dagger and make yourself wake up) to hear the rest of her sentence.
“Do you maybe remember??”
What.
[ You said that out loud. You do not realize this. ]
Disappointment on her face now and it makes them curl back, hide into their cloak (how long has it been since they wore this outside of dreams) at the sight of her almost frown. Dream Mira catches this (because you slipped up you're slipping don't you remember the script) and shakes her head, “No! I’m not mad at you! Or anything, I just, I just thought you maybe remembered the loops, but if that doesn’t make sense it’s okay we don’t have to—”
What.
That one, Siffrin doesn't say aloud, but he does stare because there is no nightmare that quite went like this before. He opens his mouth, closes it, thinks for a bit because pinching himself didn’t wake him up but this has never,
Remember, remember, use your words Siffrin. Talk. Don’t fall back into the script you don’t do that anymore (you do it sometimes). There’s a smile on his face that’s habit that he squashes down that just becomes a bit of grimace now because he wasn’t sure what to do with it, but Siffrin doesn’t understand. “This is a weird dream.”
“It’s not!” Mira says, and she sounds excited, and she tries to reach for you and then stops again and for a second all you can think about is Isabeau reaching for you shoulder and never—
( Still hell, Siffrin thinks, no matter how strange. )
“I thought that too! We all did, but it’s not hell Siffrin, we’ve been going through time loops— You never remembered them before until right now? Do you remember them, I mean? But no it’s not a dream, this is real!”
— Wh,
Siffrin stopped sleeping for a bit directly after he loops broke, because every time he woke up it felt like he’s going back to the start, and he didn’t want to go to sleep because they’re all together, it’s the next day and the next and the next because they’re all traveling together still, all together. He didn't want to miss any of it, didn't want to mess any of it up by waking up and finding him back in that crabbing meadow again. Besides, the times he did sleep it was all nightmares. He hurt Isa once on accident during them when he tried to wake him up from one.
But the lack of sleep made him sloppy. He tripped over his feet fighting a stray sadness today, and everyone looked at him and then at each other in the way they’ve been lately where they have something to say but won’t to his face, but will to each other. Siffrin hated it.
Later that night, Mira had pulled him aside and said they were going to have a feelings talk. The stars were out (and he thinks they all figured out that Siffrin was more partial to these conversations when the stars were out, which sucks because he didn't even know that until Bonbon said something, but at least him and Isa still get plenty of stargazing sessions that aren’t just these stupid feeling talks—
“Siffrin, are you listening?”
Siffrin had blinked, and nodded, and Mira had cuddled up to his side and they had clung close, and she had asked him if he’s been sleeping or not.
And because he isn’t going to lie anymore, he shook his head.
And because this is Mira, his best friend his favorite person his family, he answered when she asked why not.
“I’m scared when I wake up that this won’t be real anymore.”“Then I’ll tell you whenever you aren’t sure! I promise! And, and, we can let the others knows too, if I’m not there. But this is real Siffrin! You made it out— We made it out!”
Dream (?) Mira is telling him this is real.
She’s,
They are back in Dormont, and Mira is telling him this is real. He’s in the meadow with his back against the grass and Mira wearing clothes she hasn’t in a while, the sky is still there the birds are chirping— It’s just like his memories, but his memories of back then, because even after they travelled back to Dormont again after the loops, he didn’t come back here. The Favor Tree, the town, the part of the woods towards the East the benches to the North— Those all had people.
The meadow, he was always alone before Mira came to wake him up.
So he didn’t go back (because you still can’t stand being alone even now, can you?).
He would never take a nap here ever again. So why would he wake up here if he wasn't— If
He,
“—Frin! Siffrin! Hey, can we— Can we maybe breathe in and out like you do, maybe?”
He breathes in.
And exhales.
Dream (what do you mean she’s not a dream please please please) Mira smiles at him reassuringly. “Are you feeling better?”
He,
(Doesn’t?) nod.
“This is real?” He asks instead, and maybe he’s wishing (NO WE DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE) praying for her to say no, but she just nods.
“Yes! We, let’s go get to Madame, she can explain this better, but we’ve been stuck in a time loop, though, it’s.” Her smile gets strained. She looks a little tired. “It’s been a lot, but we’ve been together, and now you’re with us too! You didn’t.. You’ve never remembered, before.”
Before?
This isn’t right,
But it,
That’s not the script. Even if he's back that's not the script. He doesn’t understand. (Is this a dream, is this real, are the cosmos playing a joke on him, is his brain being mean or is the Mirabelle in front of him still— But she said it was real. She said it was real, and never before in a dream has a fake Mira told him it was real, because that’d be wrong, so????)
But he’s also never been in a dream like this before. Not one where he pinched himself and didn’t wake up, [ You pinch yourself again. Ouch! ] not one where the memory in the meadow replays exactly until it’s different. Not one where Mirabelle remembers the loops and where you, somehow, don’t? Didn't?
( You do though. All you are sometimes are your memories of your loop (loop loop loop), of that time. You looped so many times you forgot but you would never forget that each time you woke up and you had to do it again and AGAIN and AGAINANDAGAIN—
“Siffrin!!” A shake, now, and Mirabelle looks so apologetic, “I’m so sorry for touching you but you were shaking, and you didn’t look good, I’m sorry the loops really are scary, but it’s okay! We’re in this together, we’ll, we’ll figure it all out, okay?”
Siffrin stares at her.
He breathes in.
And out.
“Is this real?”
And Mirabelle’s expression turns serious, eyebrow furrowed in that little almost pout she gets when she gets the weight of this. She holds her hands together, intertwined like she’s going to pray in that habit because she used to pray so much to the Change God (still does) that she finds comfort in it now.
She nods.
He feels sick.
“Yes. This is real.”