Chapter Text
summer 1984,
Alec is sitting on the couch, in the living room. It’s been around an hour and he almost finished his book, well, his mother’s book. He had found the dusty Agatha Christie in the old bookshelf his parents owned. Alec never in his entire life, had seen them read a book. They thought it was pointless and dismissed him every time he asked to buy one. At school, the only place where he could actually read, he usually preferred fantasy books but his mother didn’t seem to have any, perhaps, this crime book really interested him so he had planned to look for more.
Someone rang the doorbell, his mother was back from work. Alec got up, still deep focused in the story he was reading, it was finally the conclusion, the reveal and he didn’t want to wait a single second more to know the identity of the murderer. Distracted, he walked to the door, but, as he wasn’t looking, he hit the drawer in the hallway. The first thing he registered was the pain on his side, and then only, the loud noise of the decorative vase falling before his eyes in slow motion on the ground and ending up shattered in pieces. Alec stared, stunned by the sudden clatter. But quickly, surprise left aµ place to panic. His mother ringed again, calling his name through the door. He wanted to open it but he didn’t want her to see the broken vase and he also couldn’t leave her outside while he tried to clean the mess. Alec’s breathing fastened, he had no idea what to do, he didn’t even know what his mother’s reaction would be. She had received the vase for her birthday a few years ago but he didn’t know how much she liked it. So he just stared, unable to decide what to do.
He didn’t know how to handle the thoughts in his head.
Finally, Alec’s mother found her keys and let herself in. She was already pissed by her long day at work but her son not opening the door, he who was usually such and nice boy, had her worried. Then she saw him, helplessly standing in front of the ugly, now shattered, vase. Alec was crying, which was unexpected from him. She had noticed he had a tendency to withdraw into himself every time he was feeling a lot, especially stress.
She never pushed him to do otherwise.
She also knew what her soon former husband thought of boys showing weakness and she was also almost certain he had made that clear for Alec.
Alec come on buddy it’s alright, I’m not mad, I didn’t like it anyway.
She is now rubbing his back gently. She felt exhausted and it could be heard in her voice, she was sure. But she wants to make sure he’s fine before leaving to rest in her bedroom.
And she surely doesn't want Alec’s dad to see his son like that. She prefers to shut that thought for now.
It’s okay Alec, stop crying.
But Alec didn’t feel like he could ever stop the salty tears running down his cheeks. He felt so ashamed about that. He knew he was bothering but he submerged by his own feelings. Alec just wanted to get rid of that lamp in his throat and crying seemed the best option right now. Every single thing he had messed up seemed to rush back into his mind.
he felt so much, too much.
Alec please I’m tired, why won’t you stop crying ?!
His mother’s tone made Alec flinch, he had pissed her off, and it was not because he had broken that stupid vase but because he couldn’t contain his own bloody emotion ! How useless he was, if he had a little bit of self control, the mess would’ve already been cleaned and his mother wouldn’t look so… drained.
It was all his fault, he knows because his Dad told him last time Mom wasn’t at home. He remembers very clearly that evening.
The lights were dim and Alec could hear the telly in the living room from his place on his bed while he was staring at the ceiling. Dad had forgotten to make dinner but it was all right because the alcohol smell cut any bit of appetite he’d had. Suddenly angry footsteps resonated in the staircase. instinctively, Alec sat up as the door barged open and his dad stepped in. He was still wearing his work’s clothes but his tie was loosened and the three first buttons of his shirt were undone.
It is all your fault Alec ! I hope you know it ! She doesn’t love me anymore, she wants to leave and it is your bloody fault Alec !
Alec kept his wide-open eyes on his father. He tried his best to keep the tears wetting his eyes from rolling down his cheeks. He wanted to throw up, just so, maybe, the horrible feeling in his stomach would leave.
He wasn’t sure what Dad was talking about but he knew he was right, it’s always Alec’s fault.
Guilty, that’s how he felt.
Alec went into his room like his mother had asked and did his best to keep quiet. He tried, really did but his sobs made his shoulders shake so violently that he started to have trouble breathing right.
While he was gasping for air, he remembered that one time when they had had a trip to the swimming pool with his class. He hated how exposed he was in his trunks but also how everyone just stared at him when he didn’t jump in the pool like them, standing alone on the edge, arms wrapped around his tin chest. The teacher was talking at him, gently at first, then more and more angrily as he got no answer. The problem was,
Alec never learned to swim.
But all his classmates seemed to know so he didn’t say anything and he, despite the voice in his head yelling not to, jumped into the water. What had to happen happened, he drowned. Luckily a classmate, Dave, noticed him and held him out of the water without any further comment.
After that horrible event, Alec didn’t go closer to water than necessary.
But right now, even if he was nowhere near that bloody pool, memories were rushing back.
And, like always Alec just waited, waited for it to pass because, what else could he do ?