Work Text:
Despite the exhaustion that Sister Julienne felt, she wasn’t eager to return to England.
Hong Kong had been a success. The nuns now had a place to care for the children, a doctor had been located and hired, the injured nuns were healing well, those with t.b. were all in sanatoriums, and Sister Hilda was capable enough to take lead. There was every reason to feel like a mission had been accomplished, the return home was a well-earned prize.
But Sister Julienne couldn’t ignore her heart breaking at leaving. She didn’t want to leave Hong Kong, or rather, she didn’t want to leave her.
Slowly, she packed her suitcase. If she didn’t rush, she could savour the last few moments she had with Sister Hilda.
Unfortunately, packing as a nun made it all the harder to find some excuse as to her unusual slowness. What did she have that would extend packing beyond the navy habit and the limited essentials?
“Are you quite alright, Sister?” came a voice from behind her. Stood at the doorway was the very object of her thoughts.
“Sister Hilda! Yes, quite” Sister Julienne stammered, “I was just…”
Sister Julienne exhaled meekly. There really was no excuse to be as slow as she was, looking down at her things.
“I was just going over the success of our mission” Sister Julienne turned back towards the door.
“It’s wonderful what we’ve accomplished” said Sister Hilda, “I’m glad I was chosen to remain here.”
Sister Julienne smiled affectionately. Sister Hilda had always been on the bossier side, revelling at command. She had become better since being back at Poplar, but Sister Julienne had always adored it when she had her moments.
“You’ll be a great help.”
“I hope so, I don’t want to disappoint.”
Silence fell upon them. Sister Julienne turned back to her packing, the heartache eased a little with Sister Hilda there.
Some moments had passed by the time Sister Hilda spoke; “I’ll miss you, when you’re all the way overseas.”
Sister Julienne paused, blush creeping up her neck.
“I’ll miss you, too” she smiled, “you had better write first thing, after waving us all off.”
Sister Hilda chuckled at that. “I promise, so long as you reply.”
Both grinned, falling back into silence. Sister Julienne had finished her packing, closing her suitcase hesitantly.
She hoped Sister Hilda kept true to her word, to keep her informed on the wellbeing of everyone, including herself. Even if letters would be slow in arrival, to have that contact would mean the world.
Tears started to prick in Sister Julienne’s eyes, threatening to overcome her as the departure crept closer.
The truth of it all was threatening to overcome her. She truly loved Sister Hilda as much as one could love another, leaving her was as if Sister Julienne was abandoning her own heart. Could she bear it? Could she board that ship and leave who meant so much?
Despite what her religion told her, despite what society and the law told her, Sister Julienne wanted nothing else, but to love her Sister-in-Christ.
“Sister, are you truly alright?” Sister Hilda’s voice broke her train of thoughts, and, ultimately, her attempt to hide her tears.
“I don’t want to leave you” sobbed Sister Julienne. She could feel Sister Hilda’s arms around her, drawing Sister Julienne into an embrace.
Sister Julienne could feel one of Sister Hilda’s hands resting atop her head, stroking her wimple as if it were hair. The other remained crossed over her back, resting on the curve.
They remained in the embrace, swaying slightly. Neither were willing to break from the other, clinging to the last moments they had. It felt impossible.
The ticks from the watches on their wrists echoed over the room, mixing with Sister Julienne’s hushed sobs. Sister Hilda didn’t say a word. She couldn’t. Her heart was being crushed with every tear that fell onto her habit. It took all the power possible not to cry herself.
Gradually, Sister Julienne calmed. Her sobs subsided into small hiccups. Still, she made no attempt to break the embrace, nor did Sister Hilda. They remained as they did, hoping no one walked in at that moment.
Sister Julienne let go of the back of Sister Hilda’s habit, her arms falling to circle around Sister Hilda’s waist.
“I should feel shame, shouldn’t I?” Sister Julienne said, ducking her head slightly into Sister Hilda’s shoulder.
“For what?”
“For loving you the way I do.”
“I suppose,” Sister Hilda paused for a moment. “But, you won’t bare the shame alone.”
“Won’t I?” Sister Julienne breathed shakily, her mind racing.
“No, it’s a burden we carry between us.”
Sister Julienne pulled back enough to look at Sister Hilda.
“I’m glad” she raised a hand to Sister Hilda’s cheek, stopping just before contact, her mind screaming not to do it. Her heart was louder.
Sister Hilda smiled slightly, leaning into Sister Julienne’s touch. “If shame and Hell are the prices I pay for you, I will pay them for eternity.”
Sister Julienne returned the smile, yet still trembling at such a confession. It was all too much, to stand there in the arms of a woman who she loves, to say what she can’t. To hear someone speak so fondly, to promise their heart for all eternity to her, it was as if the earth would cave in.
Sister Hilda cupped the hand on her cheek, devotion written on her face. She was entranced by Sister Julienne. Regardless of the tear trails down her cheeks, Sister Hilda felt as though she was looking at the gates of Heaven. In fact, the tears enhanced such a beauty. They were so human, they were what Sister Hilda loved most about her Sister-in-Christ. Her compassion, the boundless forgiveness of heart, her understanding. It was hopeless to not love her.
Sister Hilda leaned closer, close enough to feel the small breaths against her cheek. She titled her head ever so slightly, but keeping her eyes firmly on Sister Julienne’s, seeking permission to close the gap. There was a faint nod, eyes widening as if the suggestion was terrifyingly wanting.
As she closed the remaining distance, Sister Hilda could feel all of her senses, except her sight, clinging to Sister Julienne. All she could hear were the unsteady breathing, her soap was ever prominent, Sister Hilda gripped onto her habits fabric for dear life. When their lips touched, she couldn’t think. All her focus was set one thing. Love her now, don’t let her go.
Sister Julienne closed her eyes, her lips tugging at the corners. This is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong, I shouldn’t want this, I shouldn’t even want her, please don’t stop. Her hands trembled and tightened their hold. She could feel more tears streaming down her face. If it’s meant to be wrong, if it’s meant to be sinful, why does it feel right? Why couldn’t they flee to somewhere unknown? She would live the life of the damned just for an extra moment.
When they parted, they embraced as if death was awaiting them.
“I don’t want to leave” choked Sister Julienne, “not if you’re not next to me.”
“You must, sister”
“No, no, you’ll be here and I can’t bear it”
Sister Hilda shut her eyes against the tears. Why must it be like this?
They heard footsteps drawing nearer.
“You must be heading off now, or you’ll miss your ship” Sister Hilda cupped Sister Julienne’s face, brushing away the tears. She breathed in and out, attempting to calm herself and Sister Julienne.
Sister Julienne shook her head, but couldn’t say another word when Sister Hilda let her go.
“Sister Julienne, it’s time we head off” Shelagh’s voice came from the door, oblivious to what had transpired.
“Of course” Sister Julienne smiled reluctantly. Grabbing her suitcase, she turned on her heel and willed herself not to look back. She wouldn’t leave if she did, but she could hear Sister Hilda’s footsteps following her.
Shelagh was very quickly far ahead. This gave Sister Julienne time to fully collect herself before joining the others.
Suddenly, she felt a hand grasp hers and turn her around.
“Please write to me” Sister Hilda pleaded, “I mean what I said.”
Sister Julienne nodded, squeezing Sister Hilda’s hand. She looked at their hands intertwined for a few moments. “I’d best be off, then.”
“Goodbye, my dear” Sister Hilda gave one last smile.