Chapter Text
Rainbow woke up with a gasp, immediately sitting up as if she’d had a nightmare. In reality, she hadn’t dreamt at all; it was more like she’d just awoken from drowning than sleeping.
She looked around the mess that was her dorm for her phone: 4:52 am. She thanked the universe for her body’s natural sense of time, even when unconscious. One hour until practice… that’s enough time to look like she has her shit together, right? The sigh of relief that came from being up early came with a stabbing in her temple - no - both temples. Fuck, did she drink the last of her bottle last night? Gritting her teeth, she pulled herself to the edge of her bed to peer underneath, searching for the, assumedly, half-full bottle of tequila that she was planning on saving for tonight. Half a shot left. Fuck.
Well, hair of the dog, she supposed, promptly finishing what was left with a grimace. She prayed that the alcohol could reset her enough to get out of bed immediately, but that would be too kind. She should be grateful she even woke up; coach would be pissed if she missed another morning practice, no matter how good she was.
‘Room. Mess.’ Rainbow tried commanding herself into subservience, as if self discipline could get rid of this headache. She, with minimal movement, attempted to scan whatever was behind her piles of clothes and protein bar wrappers for any sort of painkiller. There must be Advil or aspirin or something in the mess. Her eyes landed on a red cardboard box just next to a pair of sweatpants on the ground. Bingo.
Standing up, then bending down, then standing up again, was a challenge. Rainbow dash felt the subtle burning in her stomach edge closer to her tongue with every movement, but there’s no way she’d let herself throw up that easily. There were other things to feel to distract herself from the nausea - the weakness in her knees as she walked, the aggressive shaking of her hands as she popped three or four pills, the friction of her cold, sweat-soaked shirt against her skin. It was fine. She had taken the pills, and despite the acid in her throat, she is normal now. She is normal.
After a freezing, then boiling, then freezing, then warm shower - Rainbow was dressed in a sports bra, zip-up hoodie and shorts. Wearing dry clothes made her feel less dead, even if her damp hair was just accentuating the chill in her room, and alive people clean their mess. Shoving all of her clothes into a trash bag, dash took the trek to the laundromat downstairs. Everything’s okay. The clothes were in and everything was fine forever. The birds were deafening but not as bad as they were before the Advil, half an hour ago.
Wait, fuck, half an hour ago?
Trusting that nobody steals her clothes, Rainbow sprinted, in the cold November air, out of the doors to her building and towards the college track.
“Pinkie, I don’t mean to insult your cereal, but-“
“Shut it, Twilight! I’m trusting my intuition!”
“Well studies show that-“
“Just let her have her charms, Twi.”
The chatter in the shared kitchen revealed that Twilight, Pinkie and AJ were already up and getting ready for the day. Walking into their shared living space, Rainbow also noted Sunset laying on the couch, nodding along to their conversation.
“A girl’s gotta eat, Twi.” She shrugged, smirking at the frustrated academic. There was so much calm in the domesticity of their mornings. Rainbow could finally breathe after an hour of intensity.
“Oh, heya, Dash!” Applejack welcomed as Rainbow shut the door behind her. Her green eyes still had the remnants of her full nights sleep in them, her blonde hair evidence of every toss and turn. Rainbow was almost envious, as if she had no choice but to stay up drinking in bed.
“Waddup, guys.” She returned, joining Sunset on the couch to observe the group in full.
Twilight seemed to be the only one dressed and ready for the day; her hair brushed neatly with a smart woollen jumper that matched her leg warmers to a T. Everyone else was either still in pyjamas (Pinkie, wearing a childish blue button up set decorated with pink sprinkles) or in the clothes they lounged in the evening before (both Sunset and Applejack). Rainbow always felt pride in being the first one up and ready - she had lost her desire to run years ago, but being an athlete still had the perk of adrenaline first thing in the morning. It wasn’t quite a stimulant - a ‘runners high’ isn’t nearly as thrilling as a real high - but it woke her up enough.
“Are any of you hitting the shower? I’m all sweaty.” Rainbow deliberately observed AJ when she said that - just naturally, no other reason. Little reaction, either.
“I have a nine AM, I can wait.” Sunset replied. Welcome to go first, Rainbow Dash said goodbye to the very short amount of rest offered to her by the leather couch in the common area. The second shower is always brief - usually, she’d have this one freezing, but it was chilly enough outside to put herself through torture. Warm was still better than hot - at least she was actually showering.
At this point in the day, the alcohol in Rainbow’s system is almost fully gone. Despite the warmth, she found herself shaking again; part of her considered a fifth Advil, but she’s not stupid, even if she is desperate. She spent less than 3 minutes in the shower; too desperate to end the constant mild discomfort that came with her normal, fine, regular teenage habit to prioritise cleanliness - she showered earlier, anyway. A little bit of BO won’t kill her.
It wasn’t just the weakness or shakes that made withdrawal so miserable, it was more-so the self awareness. God, what idiot deals with this in college? This is what 50 year-old divorced dads go through, not track star 19-year-old girls.
Getting changed into a long sleeve shirt and jeans, Rainbow remembers that she regularly forgets the comfort that comes from clean clothes. Oh fuck, laundry.
Thankfully, her clothes are still where she left them - only now they’re sopping wet and cold. Dash bundles the heap in her arms, moving them into the dryer before leaning against the icy, brick wall. She knows she has a $20 bill in the pocket of these jeans. She also knows that her fake ID is somewhere in the jacket she threw on when she ran downstairs to the laundrette. Whats the point in doing nothing? Rainbow was always aching for something - Rainbow was always so incredibly, chronically under stimulated.
‘Jeez, it’s icy.’ Rainbow regarded, carefully walking down the street in her converse. Oregon was already rainy, the frost of Corvallis made her wonder why a country girl like Applejack would ever even consider going to college here. Rainbow doesn’t bother thinking about the answer, she already knows. She doesn’t want to consider the sacrifices AJ made for her. She doesn’t want to think about the scholarship she doesn’t deserve.
Reaching the liquor store, Rainbow prepares her poker face. She is 22 years old and it’s completely normal for her to buy a handle at 7 am. It’s a 24/7 store, anyway. Who are they to judge? The interaction is smooth and practiced, she should know better than to expect judgement from the shopkeeper who hasn’t checked her ID more than twice in the year she’s been buying from him.
Walking back, bag in hand, Rainbow catches a glimpse of light rose hair. Fuck fuck fuck, she screams inside her head. She turns the opposite way, not minding the long route to avoid an interaction, when she hears a loud, higher pitched voice call her name.
“Rainbow Dash? Why, don’t walk away now!”
Oh shit fuck fuck ass booty hole.
Rainbow plastered on a cool, casual smile, totally awesome and natural. All she had to do was small talk for one minute - she clutched her paper bag close to her armpit in an attempt to hide its contents (if she hadn’t already been spotted this could’ve been hidden perfectly under her jacket).
“Oh heya Rare, Shy.” Cool. Great so far.
“What on earth are you buying so early, dear?”
Although this question set Rainbow’s heart into near tachycardia, Rarity’s expression was not one of suspicion… yet. It was important to stay cool, natural and chill. Why wouldn’t she be? Despite the constant sense of shame and guilt weighing in Rainbow’s chest in every sober moment, she knew that this was chill. It was hair of the dog, god forbid a girl wants to have fun.
“Oh, nothing much, you know!”
Why did she say that? It was safe to say from both Rarity’s and Fluttershy’s expressions that they, in fact, did not know.
“Just, boring stuff…Groceries! Yeah, I needed some… vegetables for dinner.”
Rainbow was incredibly aware that she has never sounded more suspicious in her life.
“Oh… that’s nice. Vegetables are… good?”
Fluttershy and Rarity exchanged glasses as the pink-haired girls validation dissipated into the air. Maybe they had expected more conversation - was it better to act natural or to just leave when there was a chance? ‘Just reply,’ Rainbow urged herself, ‘A normal, casual exit line.’
“Love veggies in my belly! Bye bye besties!”
Okay what the hell was that.
Finally back inside, Rainbow made use of her fresh, dry laundry to hide the handle she had just bought. Applejack, now showered and dressed, welcomed Rainbow with a smile.
“Need any help with that?” She offered, her eyes crinkling softly with her gentle offer. Rainbow wanted to say yes - to anyone else, it had been just over two hours of getting ready for the day; to Rainbow, it had been 10 hours of half conscious isolation. She wanted human interaction - well, she did if it was Applejack.
“Not this time, cowgirl.” Rainbow Dash had said a lot of difficult things in her life, but saying no to time with Applejack made that morning nausea come back tenfold. With a shrug in response, Rainbow made the short walk to her room, where she finally took her morning shot. Or maybe three. Or five.
————————————
A fully paid scholarship for running was Rainbow’s dream two years ago. She was still grateful, god knows she wouldn’t have been accepted anywhere else on grades alone, but taking a sports class was not the fun she’d assumed it would be. Biology, as cool as she’d thought it would be, was maybe the reason she chose to stay up drinking instead of doing her homework. It was a great thing that alcohol actually helped her focus, despite what most people would assume.
“Myofibrillar hypertophy can only be achieved by an increase in…” what was it? Rainbow didn’t really care much for body building; being too muscular would probably just weigh her down when she’s running. She was totally focused, or she could be if she tried, but this topic was just really boring. Sports should just involve running really really fast and no homework at all, then she’d have straight a’s without needing twilights help every weekend. What day was it anyway? Oh, Thursday, obviously. That means AJ’s visiting the farm tomorrow. Hey, maybe Applejack would know about muscle density - she is super buff after all. See, focused. Alcohol helped her focus.
Rainbow closed the Microsoft Word tab on her old laptop and searched for Instagram. Maybe if she just looked at the muscular woman she lived with, she could work out how to build muscle cells or whatever and then get an A on their next assignment. She knew Applejacks favourite breakfasts, the lunch she said made her big and strong in fifth grade (which she still eats weekly to this day), the weird chickpea dinners that she knew Rainbow wouldn’t steal from the fridge - really, she’d been studying muscle growth her whole life. This was easy!
She noticed the girl behind her, Fleetfoot, had been whispering and laughing during Rainbow’s research. She sobered a bit; she forgot her laptop was available for people around her to see - she also hadn’t noticed that she’d been zoomed in on that one candid of Applejack laughing with her shirt pulled up enough to show her slight abs. Her face flushed a subtle pink - they probably think this was unrelated to the work. She was tempted to turn around and clarify that she was just looking at muscles to learn about them, but when she practiced that in her head she realised it didn’t help her case. Fleetfoot wouldn’t understand, anyway; she’s not good at sports like Rainbow is.
When class eventually ended, Rainbow was the first to leave the lecture hall. She didn’t care what her classmates thought she was doing, but she wouldn’t give them the opportunity to mock her about it either. She felt slightly more embarrassed when, right outside her lecture hall, she noticed Applejack laughing with someone. It was tempting to drag them both to a different location, where Fleetfoot wouldn’t immediately recognise her, but when Rainbow walked closer to Applejack she wasn’t just talking to someone, she was in fact talking to Rarity.
The unusual mix of devastation and anger in her chest was probably to do with her interaction with Rarity this morning - if Applejack were there to witness the scene unfold she’d immediately recognise Rainbow’s shady behaviour as an indicator towards her purchase. Would Rarity snitch on her like that? She had trust in Fluttershy, she was far too sweet to judge her friend for the sake of conversation, but everyone knew that Rarity was still desperate for AJ’s attention and she had an awful habit of gossiping.
No, what was she thinking? Rarity was her friend, she refused to villainise her in defence of applejack. Their short-lived fling was back in high school, Rarity had probably had hundreds of hookups since then. Rainbow recognised that this, maybe to a greater extent, was still an unkind assumption to make - she was now, on top of judging one of her best friends, slut shaming. Rainbow Dash was a bad feminist.
She turned ninety degrees and made her was towards the bathroom, clinging the strap of her backpack tight. She’s just stressed, she needs to chill out. She locked herself in a stall and took another swig of her handle, before promptly popping a mint in her mouth. She knew, although this really wasn’t that deep, that the smell of tequila on her breath at ten am would just lead to questions. She wasn’t bothered to deal with questions. Her friends - though they meant well - didn’t understand the stress that came with this scholarship. Sometimes she felt like she was the only one in that group who knew how to have fun - well, besides pinkie that was.
Rainbow stayed in the stall for five more minutes, scrolling twitter and playing various games on her phone until she felt chill enough for some social interaction. After the insanely long morning she’d had, she noticed that all she wanted was Applejack. Neither girl was very clingy in their friendships, but Rainbow’s affection for the blonde became painful when she spent too much time away from her, and when she dragged herself out of the unisex bathroom to see the green eyes scanning the hallway, she almost fell over her own feet running towards them.
“You alright there, Dash?” Applejacks brows were furrowed in contrast to her playful grin. Rainbow loved the way she spoke, the way she teased her so gently. Applejack, despite her natural intimidation, was so gentle. Rainbow basked in it, let her eyes take in every muted freckle of her familiar face.
“I missed you.” Applejacks brows furrowed further, her teasing grin now faltering ever so slightly. She hadn’t meant to say it, at least not so directly or abruptly, but she had now.
“Are you alright, Dash?” Applejack repeated, this time more genuinely, slowly. Rainbow’s own smile accidentally quavered - what? She suddenly remembered her earlier anxieties around Rarity. She wouldn’t have said anything, right? Was Rainbow just that suspicious already? She just missed her best friend, god forbid.
“I’m awesome! Just uh, had a long morning.” Rainbow’s face felt slightly strained as she said this, maybe Applejack could see through it, but she gave her enough grace to say nothing.
“Oh, figures. I missed you too Dashie.” AJ was clearly holding back a chuckle as she spoke, but Rainbow didn’t care. She was so relieved to have some normal human interaction with her best friend, time felt like it dragged on forever when Applejack wasn’t there with her. In a slightly more comfortable silence, the two girls headed towards the cafeteria to meet the rest of their friends. Rainbow knew she should end the conversation, but her mind had long returned to the interaction between Applejack and her ex girlfriend from ten minutes ago. Yes, they were friends, they were all friends. It wasn’t unusual for the two to make each other laugh in a group setting, but that was it - a group setting. Not sneaking around alone and giggling. Have they been having secret meetings? How long has this been happening?
“So uh, saw you and Rarity hanging out. What’s that about?”
“Oh, Rare? I bumped into her in the hallway, we were just talking about business studies.” Applejacks face remained calm while saying this, she was a bad enough liar to reassure Rainbow that this was the truth. Still, the nickname “Rare” made her feel weird. That was what AJ called her in senior year, she couldn’t have used it again more than three times in the years passed.
“Rare? What, are you back together or something?” Rainbow hadn’t meant to ask this. She certainly didn’t mean to spit it in the way she just had, and her unreasonable pettiness had clearly annoyed the taller blonde.
“What is your problem, Rainbow Dash? Am I not allowed to talk to my other friends no more?” Rainbow felt very small very quickly. There was a sickening lump of guilt in her throat that she attempted to swallow down.
“It was just a joke, jeez.” This was a meagre response, and Rainbows guilty eyes darted to the floor to avoid fully taking in Applejack’s reaction to it. Shockingly, instead of hearing a lecture on her uncharacteristic lack of loyalty, Rainbow heard a sigh along with a gentle touch on her upper arm. She flicked her eyes up to meet Applejack’s, who was staring into her with a serious expression.
“You’re acting mighty strange, Dash. You haven’t…?” Rainbows stomach dropped, immediately recognising this as a confrontation around her recent indulgences.
“No. Why? Did Rarity tell you something?” Applejack’s concerned expression shifted into one of disappointment. She would consider this a relapse of some sort, as if Rainbow having fun was some sort of flaw, while everyone else could drink as much as they wanted. They were in college, for pete’s sake, why couldn’t Rainbow be the same as anyone else? She didn’t let any of these thoughts and rationalisations leave her lips, in a fight or flight situation she would always choose the latter, so she took a step back from Applejack.
“Whatever. Dont answer then. I’m leaving.”
With that, Rainbow swiftly turned and fled the building, with no idea where she was even going.