Chapter Text
You were alone. the bunker empty. Dean and Sam had went out for more interrogating and told you it'd be best if you didn't go along. you knew why. you fucked up on the last hunt. you were such a failure. always messing up. no matter what the task was. you were bound to fuck it up.
Your fingers trembled as you set the bloodied blade down on a table nearby you. you let tears fall down your face and silently screamed that the pain inside you would end. not even your blade could bring you peace anymore. you held yourself as you knelt on your bedroom floor, gasping for air that your erratic breathing wouldn't allow. "I can't fucking do this..." you mouthed as you reached up for the blade again, grasping it into your palm. you took deep breaths and stared down at your bloody wrist, thin lines across it spilling the red liquid onto the floor. you pressed the blade to your wrist, slowly but surely pressing down into your skin, down into your veins before pulling up your arm. you let sobs leak through the vacant air. cries of help that no one would hear. as you stared at the puddle of blood forming next to your arm, you thought about how you deserved this pain. you thought about how many times you'd let down Dean and Sam. even Castiel. you let down anyone and everyone. it was your fault that so many innocent people were killed. just because you wanted to help on a hunt. cause you didn't want to be alone. pathetic is what you were. your tears flooded your vision once again. you jumped as you heard a man's voice suddenly replace the sound of your crying. you looked up and despite your teary eyes, you recognized the man in the dirty trench coat and tie.
"i heard y-" Castiel spoke then stopped with a confused and concerned look as he saw you. "(Y/N), what... what are you doing?"
you drew your arm back and wrapped it around your stomach like it would make the situation disappear. "C-Cas..." you stammered and shook, standing and backing away when he grabbed for your arm.
"(Y/N), please... let me heal you." Cas said looking into your eyes with concern, holding out his hand.
You hesitated. you deserved to die. you deserved this pain. you felt so stupid letting Cas find you like this. you had to go and mouth his name. you slowly moved your arm into the angels reach.
Cas hovered his hand over your wrist, closing the slit and holding onto your arm. after it was healed, he didn't let go.
"Thank you, Cas... i'm fine now..." you went to pull away but he didn't let go of your arm. he stared at you with an expression you couldn't make out. was it anger? was it confusion? worry? you betted on anger. you looked away and down, ready to be yelled at. but instead, you were pulled into a hug. you hugged him back, breath hitching again and tears burning your tired eyes.
"Let's talk about this, okay?" Cas said as he pulled away but not letting go of your arm. you nodded and he finally let go. you sat at the edge of your bed and Cas kneeled in front of you, taking your hand in his. "Why?" was all he asked.
You scoffed slightly and sighed. "I... I deserved it." you knew how stupid you sounded. "I messed up... i get people killed... i let down Dean, Sam.. you." you looked away and bit your lip, trying not to cry again.
Cas did that cute little squint he does when something doesn't make sense to him. "you don't deserve to hurt yourself, (Y/N). maybe you made a mistake but everyone does. that doesn't make you a bad person. you aren't a bad person. and i promise you, you don't let me down at all. you haven't and i don't think you will. i can't speak for Dean and Sam but i'm positive on them saying the same thing." Cas rubs his thumb next to your wrist and you smile softly.
"Thank you, Cas..." you softly say, looking into his eyes.
"I care about you, (Y/N)." he says sincerely, staring into your eyes.
He must have heard your thoughts. Celestial being and all. You told yourself he didn't actually care and he just felt sorry for you.
"Thank you. Thank you..."
Cas just smiles and says "of course." while holding your hands.
You bite your lip softly and advert your eyes away before thinking another thought. the thought slipped though... 'were you... falling for Cas?"
The walls in the room closed in and the air vacuumed out as Cas looked over you. he probably heard you. 'shit', you then thought.
Cas furrowed his brows and you blushed, stammering out an apology.
Cas squeezed your hands softly to calm you and gave you a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, (Y/N). It's okay."
You felt so exposed. Cas let go of your hands and sat beside you.
"You know... it's amazing." Cas paused, you stared at him waiting. "the human thought process. it varies so widely."
You pondered his point but then replaced it with how stunning he looked while talking about something he's passionate about. Cas knowingly smiled over at you which made you blush deep red. you smiled and hid your face in your hands. Cas gently put his arm around you and gripped your side, making you jump slightly. you looked back up at him, breathless from his eyes. he slowly leans in and kisses your cheek, softly grazing his lips over the corner of your ear. you bit your lip, smiling and blushing. chills encasing your body. you just hoped this wasn't another dream and you were going to wake up with yet another failed attempted suicide. you felt Cas's grip around your body tense. you start to apologize but Cas easily shuts you up by kissing you. his lips press on yours and it feels like it lasts a lifetime. Once he pulls away, he sternly says, "no."
You look into his eyes and bite your lip, looking down.
He holds your wrists and stares at you until you look back up at him. “Never. Do that. Again.” he says a little softer.
"Cas... you don't understand... it's... my way to cope..."
"You almost killed yourself." Cas bitterly said, cutting you off. you nod and look down again. "You have to promise me not to do that again. I can't lose you, (Y/N). You're needed and loved. Me, Dean and Sam love you very much. We need you. You're family." Cas leans in close, speaking low and soft.
You look back up and glare into his blue eyes before taking a deep breath. "I'll try."
Cas nods and holds you again. "I'll take that. Please... just... please just promise me you'll contact me before you do anything, okay?"
You nod and smile. "Sounds good. Thank you, Cas."
"Of course." he replies.
He stayed with you throughout the night. He watched over you to make sure you were safe. You fell asleep in his arms, feeling the safest you have in a long time.