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“I hope y’know it’s enough, Qifrey,” Olruggio murmured as the two of them sat at the kitchen table together, finishing a shared pot of tea.
Qifrey looked at Olruggio, puzzled.
“This,” Olruggio said. “Our lives. It’s enough. I’m happy. I hope y’know that. I know it’s not exactly calm all the time. I know it’s complicated. But it’s enough. I just wish you’d let yourself rest long enough to realize that.”
“I—” Qifrey stammered. “Olly, I can’t. I wish. I really do.”
“What do you need, Qifrey?” Olruggio said, desperation in his eyes. “What can I do? How can I bring peace back into your heart, Qifrey?”
“Olly, I don’t think now is a good time,” Qifrey said quietly, his heart breaking as he pushed Olruggio away yet again.
“And when is it going to be a good time?” Olruggio protested. “When is it ever a good time? Qifrey, I’m so worried. Ever since the Brimmed Caps started showing up more, you’ve been obse—”
“Don’t talk about them!” Qifrey exclaimed, his eye going wide. “Please. Not now.”
“I’m sorry,” Olly said, his gaze softening as he saw the wild look in Qifrey’s eye. He gently cupped his hand around Qifrey’s cheek. “I just want to understand. You’re obsessed with them and I don’t know why.”
“I know, Olly,” Qifrey said, sadness and deep remorse filling his heart. “And I wish I could help you understand. But some things are beyond being understood.”
“I know you’ve been hurt, Qifrey,” Olruggio said. “Deeply. But you’ll just be hurting for the rest of your life if you don’t let someone in.”
“Please, Olly,” Qifrey begged. “I can’t.”
“I know y’can’t!” Olruggio exploded. “I know y’have some crazy reason and it’s driving me insane because I’ve known you for almost my entire life and yet I still can’t get myself to understand! Over and over I try to connect the dots, try to understand why all of this has happened, but time and time again I fail to understand. What kind of friend am I, to have known you for so long and yet know so little?”
“Olly,” Qifrey whispered. His mind was racing, and he wished he could tell Olly that he was wrong. That he had figured it out, over and over again, and each time, his memories had been wiped away. Even the reason behind their swapped tassels, a visual reminder of their bond, had been lost to the very first memory spell that Qifrey had ever cast on Olruggio. But Qifrey couldn’t tell him, couldn’t comfort the man he loved and reassure him that he hadn’t failed. All he could do was listen and feel the ever-growing wave of sadness. The sadness was too merciful a punishment for someone as cruel as Qifrey.
“I just want to be with you,” Olruggio said, his shoulders collapsing under the weight of his exhaustion. “I want to raise and teach our girls together. I want to plant some stupid flowery nonsense in the garden with you, and cook, and fall asleep together. But this…thing…between us, your obsession with the Brimmed Caps, all of it, it makes it feel like it’ll never happen.”
“I’m sorry, Olruggio,” Qifrey murmured, giving Olruggio’s hand a squeeze. It was the only comfort he could offer, and he felt disgusting for it.
“Maybe someday,” Olruggio whispered, a faraway look in his eye. “I would do anything for you, Qifrey. Ask me for anything. Anything you want me to do, I’ll do it. Anywhere you want to go, I’ll take you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do.”
“I know, Olly,” Qifrey replied quietly. “I know.”
He didn’t doubt the truth in Olruggio’s words. After all, it was because of Olruggio’s idea that Qifrey was alive to have this conversation. Everything was because of Olruggio, the man who was willing to give everything up for Qifrey. Every time, it broke his heart.
Maybe someday things could be different. Maybe, as Qifrey continued to hunt for the Brimmed Caps, he would find some answer. Maybe someday, he and Olruggio could just be happy together. But in that moment, to even think such a thing seemed absurd and childish. Ever since he awoke in that box, Qifrey had not been able to experience even a moment of comfort without dire consequences. He couldn’t even imagine what his life would be like.
Just knowing the sadness that he was forcing upon Olruggio was enough to keep him stressed and broken and anxious. He could probably survive forever that way. But what kind of life was that? What kind of life kept him alive but not living, close but never close enough to the only person who had ever come close to understanding him? Qifrey wondered if the misery might kill him before the curse ever did. He’d deserve it, wouldn’t he?
“But this life, right now?” Olruggio said after a long silence, looking at Qifrey with a mix of sadness and something else glistening in his eyes. “It’s enough for me. And maybe someday it will be enough for you too.”
“Olly, I l-”
“I know. Me too.”