Chapter Text
The following rules have been set forth by Starfleet:
1. My rank is 'Captain', not 'Supreme Overlord of the Almighty Enterprise.'
2. I will not sign official documents that way.
3. Neither will I introduce myself to new races that way.
4. “Because you're stupid” is not proper justification for any order.
5. Regulations are actually regulation, not "more like guidelines, anyways."
6. Official policy is not “What the Admiralty don’t know won’t hurt them.”
7. I do not have the authority to name newly discovered planets ‘Kirktopia’.
8. I do not have the authority to name newly encountered races ‘Kirkians’.
9. I do not have the authority to name newly identified animal species ‘Kirkophants,’ ‘Kirkosaurus,’ or any other Kirk-related name.
10. If I keep submitting these names in official reports I will lose the authority to name anything. Including “The little captain.”
11. I will not mute transmissions from my superiors so I can mock them behind their backs.
12. Especially if I forget to turn off visual as well.
13. There are official disciplinary measures. They do not include distributing red shirts.
14. Or standing in the corner.
15. The crew are my subordinates, not my royal subjects.
16. Despite the various alien rituals I have participated in, none of my marriages are legally binding by Federation law, therefore, I will not refer to myself as ‘James T. Kirk, of the House of Surak, McCoy, McCoy, of the House of Surak, Scott, of the House of Surak, Sulu, McCoy, of the House of Surak, of the House of Surak, Giotto, of the House of Surak’.
17. Starfleet has its own official drill procedures. These do not include laser tag.
18. Or paintball.
19. Dancing is a wonderful shoreleave activity, but when people start sticking credit chips in my waistband, it is time to tone it down.
20. If I do not know what it is, I will not eat it.
21. If I do not know what it is, I will not drink it.
22. If I do not know what it is, I will not touch it.
23. If I do not know what it is, I will not flirt with it.
24. I will show up for my physicals.
25. I will not commandeer other officers’ quarters to avoid my physicals.
26. That is a misuse of power and is still considered hiding like a coward.
27. The Captain’s chair is to remain on the bridge. I cannot have it moved to my quarters.
28. Food is not permitted on the bridge.
29. I will stop attempting the Vulcan Neck Pinch, as it not a martial art that humans can perform reliably.
30. The only person I have ever knocked out with the Vulcan Neck Pinch is myself, anyways.
31. It is not appropriate to start check in communications while on away missions by saying “So I can explain this...”
32. I will not stray from my approved notes during press conferences. Ever again.
33. I will apologize to Starfleet Public Relations.
34. What I do on shore leave reflects on Starfleet, therefore I will make sure I am out of uniform before I do so.
35. I cannot authorize Casual Fridays.
36. I am not allergic to paperwork.
37. I will not wear a dress while on the bridge in protest of the uniform length and impracticality for female crew members.
38. Even if I make sure it is a standard captain’s uniform.
39. And the female crewmembers appreciated the gesture.
40. And I have the legs to pull it off.
41. I am not the head of the Secret Order of the Enterprise.
42. I am not allowed to cede from the Federation to become the king of The Most Serene Floating Nation of Enterprisia.
43. Neither am I allowed to claim the Enterprise as the flagship for my pirate armada.
44. I am not allowed to form a pirate armada.
45. I will not slip away from my security detail.
46. I am not allowed to die.
I hereby swear to abide by the above stated rules in their entirety.
Signed: Captain James T. Kirk, Supreme Overlord of the Almighty Enterprise__