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“What?!”
I stare at Simon. Then at Adrian. Simon stares at Adrian. Then at me. Adrian tilts their carapace towards me, then towards Simon.
That’s… that can’t be right.
What did Adrian just say?!
“What… did you say?” I ask, my voice coming out smaller than I’d expected, but hey, it’s good that I’m able to say anything at all, considering the still-growing lump in my throat.
Adrian repeats what they’d said just a moment earlier.
I look at Simon, who gives me an equally surprised, wide-eyed look while frantically shaking his head.
Oh boy.
*
Looking back now and knowing Eridian customs, I can kind of see where the misunderstanding came from.
That doesn’t make the situation any less crazy, though.
It started when Simon had been living with me for over a year and a half, and we’d been… ahem, well, dating, for a few months. That's thing I’ve never thought I’d be able to say ever again, if I’m being honest. And something I’d definitely not seen coming when the Eridians introduced us, but life works in mysterious ways, I guess, and all we can do is try to keep up with whatever is being thrown at us. The Eridians rejoiced that we’ve, um, become mates, even if there was no- uh. Consummating until way later. Of course, Rocky and Adrian were the first to know, but then again, they both told me that “Adrian Rocky know already. Grace Simon oblivious oblivious oblivious and dumb, statement.” Which, well. Yeah okay, I might have been too blinded by Simon’s warm smile and the twinkle in his eyes he had whenever he laughed, the fact that he laughed at my joke filling my chest with warmth and happy butterflies to notice he actually looked at me in the same way. And when I did notice, I chalked it up to the whole “only two humans around, lightyears away from everything they’ve ever known” aspect of our story. Even when he’d start seeking physical touch himself when before he’d been down for whatever I asked for, but never initiated anything. Even when he’d call me angel, his eyes twinkling (both the gorgeous dark one and the milky white one). Even when he started doing chores and cooking for us and generally behaved like a particularly muscular housewife, chiding me when I didn’t eat or sleep enough. Even when the Eridians called us mates and he didn’t dispute that. Heck, it took him repeatedly kissing me to actually get it through to me that he liked me like that.
So, yeah. Not my brightest moment.
Ah-hem. Anyway.
So the misunderstanding probably began on the day I was airing out the bedsheets and comforters. I set up a stand (xenonite, of course) that Rocky made for me, bringing the sheets and comforters out. I’ve asked for good enough weather beforehand so that it wouldn’t end up damp because of the fog. I brought them out and hanged them, leaving them there for some time. In the afternoon, when I went to get them back, there were two Eridians standing nearby, observing the strange human ritual, I’d guessed.
“Bob, Larry, hi,” I greeted them. They were Adrian’s colleagues – zoologists interested in human behaviors. They’d sometimes visit me and Simon to “observe” us doing everyday tasks (though it was a little unnerving to be doing something knowing you were being watched like that, but, for science, I guess. No matter what I did, it always ended up taking twice the time it would if I was alone, because I’d glance at the two every couple minutes. It was a bit unnerving seeing them furiously scribbling down something in their notebooks, even though I’d gotten partially used to that thanks to Adrian already). (Also yeah, I named them after the Veggietales characters because they kind of resemble them. Sue me.)
I knew Adrian had actually put Bob and Larry in charge of my and Simon’s “human needs” temporarily, given that they and Rocky could finally have some well-deserved and long overdue couple vacation time. They would not be gone for long, only about a week and a half, me and Rocky would likely not be able to tolerate much more than that, but even so, the lack of the Eridian presence felt a little strange. Thank god for my classes! But anyway. Back on track.
At that moment, Bob and Larry seemed to be really confused by what I was doing, circling around the sheet stand, clicking in befuddlement. I have aired out the sheets and comforters like this before already, but they weren’t there to see that, so I understood why they’d be confused.
“Did you guys need something?”
“Hello friend Grace!” they said in unison. Larry then pointed at the stand. “What purpose, question?”
“Oh, that’s just a stand. I’m letting my sheets and comforters air out. I’ll be bringing them inside now that they’ve been here for some time,” I explained, gathering the bedding in my arms. A bit of a sheet spilled out, but I managed to catch it before it could touch the sand. Simon would probably kill me if we ended up with sandy sheets. Right now, though, he was inside dusting the… everything, so he couldn’t help me out here. I’d just have to do it like a real man and bring everything inside in one go, as my… hm. I’m not sure who used to say that, but someone close to me used to say that. (Some memories are still hazy and some are gone altogether. I’m not sure if I’ll ever recover 100% of them, which… I have very, very mixed feelings about. Not so much as Rocky and Simon, who like to bond over cussing out Stratt when they think me and Adrian won’t hear it.)
The Eridians stared at me and at each other at the same time (they’re good at multitasking). Then, carefully, as if afraid of overstepping, Larry stood taller and asked “Grace nesting, question?”
And thus, the misunderstanding saw the light of… well, of the artificial biodome lights the Eridian engineers crafted for me.
I knew the Eridians referred to various bed-related activities as nesting. Rocky called me nesting when I brought various blankets and soft things to my bed back on the Mary. But nesting could also mean cuddling up with one’s mate, cleaning the bedroom area and more. I’d assumed they meant the cleaning part.
(Big mistake. Big. Huge! as Julia Roberts would kindly remind me.)
“Yeah, you could say that,” I replied.
Both of the Eridians let out what I can only describe as squeal. Bob tapped all his feet in a frantic rhythm as Larry spoke again.
“Grace nesting with Grace mate Simon, question?”
Huh. “I mean- sort of. He’s inside right now, so I’m doing this for the both of us.”
At that, both of the Eridians made various sounds I’d categorize somewhere between an excited yell and a teakettle whistling.
“Grace excite, question?” This time it was Bob who asked, holding Larry by the arm, since Larry looked like he wanted to sprint off to spread the word throughout the land.
I was getting more and more confused by the second. “I- uh, I mean, yeah?” It was sure nice to have sheets smelling of the sea air and sunshine, however artificial. We’d cuddle up on it and–
“Amaze amaze amaze!” Bob exclaimed. “Must tell the team! Grace excuse Bob Larry now!”
“Oh-kay?” I watched as they departed, totally bamboozled.
“Angel, you got the sheets?” Simon shouted from inside the house, and I shouted back in affirmation, any dread the exchange brought about forgotten.
And doubly so when we’d indeed cuddled up nicely on the sheets and, well. Let’s just say my imagination paled in comparison.
*
So that was that. I didn’t think the news of my “nesting” would cause any ruckus, and I definitely wasn’t expecting the info to get to my students as soon as two days after. The class started well and went normally, nothing out of the ordinary. It was only in the last few minutes I allowed for personal questions that the sense that something was off really took off.
“My parent human zoologist, say teacher Grace and teacher Grace mate Simon nesting. Truth, question?” a bright little blue and white-coloured pebble I named Cloud asked.
“I, uh,” okay, that was weird, but I could handle it. “I mean, yes, why-”
The whole class gasped. The whispers of “Grace Simon nesting!!” ran through the room.
Now I got the sense that I messed up, somehow, and I didn’t know what to make of the following exclamation.
“Excite excite excite!” “So when born, question?” “Can brainstorm names, question?” “Can help with–”
“How teacher Grace mate Simon feeling, question?”
Finally, a normal question. “Simon’s fine, why?”
“Good good good.” “Teacher Grace take care of mate Simon well, demand! Grace need to bring food, statement.”
Alright, I was getting just a little uncomfortable here. Simon was by no means starving anymore, not by a long shot. He’d actually filled up quite nicely, and with proper rest and nutrients, his body had grown stronger and–
Oooooh-kay, gotta stop that train of thought right in the first station.
“Anyway. If that’s all for today, I’ll see you in three days,” I ended the conversation. A few of the pebbles blew me a disappointed raspberry at that, but I had the sense that they and I were having very different conversations.
“How was the lesson?” Simon asked me when I came home, leaning into me, hugging me with his one arm and nuzzling his nose under my chin.
“I- ah,” I said, pleasantly thrown off by the affectionate gestures. “It was fine,” I added, then frowned. “Well, mostly.”
Simon hummed in lieu of a question, choosing to kiss my cheek instead, causing me to rapidly lose my common sense.
“What happened?’
“They, um,” I managed despite Simon’s kisses, “they told me to bring you food.”
That got Simon to pause. “Oh?” It wasn’t that the pebbles didn’t like him, but this was such a strange demand, even from them. “Why?”
I shrugged, putting all of my confusion into it. “Heck if I know.”
“Well,” Simon said in that deep voice of his, making me gulp. “I could eat some of this,” he gently poked me in the chest. “Right up.”
I really need to get used to flirtatious Simon, but gosh, he was not making it any easier with that velvety voice and muscles and strong jaw and soft hair and and and–
Yeah. My earlier train of thought was back with a vengeance.
“Dinner’s ready, though,” Simon purred, stopping all of his kisses and touches and I nearly whined at the loss. “Better eat while it’s hot,” he added, turning in the doorway to glance at me and wink. Honest to god wink!!!
God, will this man ever stop tormenting me?!
(I love it, I really do. And I love him, most of all.)
*
For a few days, there was peace. Nothing out of the ordinary. Domestic bliss, if I dare call it that. That type of days that you’d be happy to relive for the rest of your life, you know? I never thought I’d become such a domestic guy, but I guess love and life make fools of us all.
But nothing can last forever, and so one day, our house was full of Eridians again. Noisy, demanding Eridians. Eridians that I dearly love.
It’s usually Rocky who knocks on our door so hard I have to wonder how he didn’t break the whole door down, and who struts all throughout the house without restraint. (as long as me and Simon aren’t… well, mating, but thank god they can hear that and we can avoid any surprise visits. Well, not that I’m especially glad they can hear that, but it’s miles better than the alternative of catching us in the act).
That day, though, it was Adrian who nearly knocked the door down, rushing through the doorway like a flood of green stone and five moving limbs.
“Hello hello hello!” they exclaimed and made their way towards Simon, knocking a coffee table and a chair over in the process. Then they put two of their limbs around Simon, pressing their carapace into his torso, though I could tell they were being very gentle.
“Hi, Adrian,” Simon said, fondly patting the top of their carapace. “How was your vacation?”
“Vacation good good, but Simon much more important!” Adrian replied. Simon blinked, clearly not expecting that.
“Oh, um,” he got out, voice filled with emotion. “I missed you too?”
“Happy happy happy!”
Aww, I can’t help but think. Simon’s just so precious when he’s confronted with gestures of affection or words of affirmation he doesn’t know what to do with. The society of Eden wasn’t very keen on expressing vulnerability and attachment, after all, but I think that between the three of us, plus the pebbles, we’ve managed to make him much more comfortable with it. Still, it’s not something one can learn overnight.
I’m very glad that Simon and Adrian were able to bond, even if Simon sometimes says he had no say in that. It’s true that Adrian practically adopted him immediately after hearing that there’s another human on Erid.
“Rocky have best human friend already,” I can still hear them say, “so now Adrian turn! It fair fair fair!”
Nobody was able to say anything to that. (And if they did, they’d be levelled by the death stare of the strongest and tallest Eridian baddie around. Well, not death stare per se, since Eridians don’t have eyes, but you know what I mean.)
And so, Simon was adopted as Adrian’s new human bestie. It was so cute, really. (Rocky didn’t think so initially, but Simon had slowly won over even him.) And Adrian had been pampering Simon with as much love and care as they could give.
Boy oh boy, little did I know that the proper pampering had not even truly begun.
Adrian had always showered Simon with love and care, that was a fact. But now? Now you’d think Simon was in grave danger of dying of malnutrition every time Adrian showed up.
“Biologist team growing new plants, will add more variety to diet! Adrian brought Simon more vitamin pills, please take now! Simon still too thin! Thin thin thin, needs more food!” they’d say, gently touching Simon’s belly area. It was reminding me a bit of the witch from Hansel and Gretel, if I’m being completely honest. Every conversation with Adrian seemed to come back to nutrition one way or the other. They even scolded Simon when they heard he’d skipped lunch and insisted they be present during the entirety of Simon eating what Adrian deemed a big enough portion, probably breaking at least ten Eridian taboos, but hey, I knew the Eridian Rocky married had to be just as big of a freak as him.
I noticed the care started to grate on Simon a bit, but he never said anything, taking the nutrients and food supplements Adrian brought him without complaint. If I was being honest, I kind of understood Adrian. Scurvy or malnutrition are no jokes, and while today’s Simon was doing a lot better in the eating and nutrition department than the Simon from a year and a half ago, he still sometimes skipped meals or forgot to take his vitamins, so secretly, I was glad to have another person on board with reminding him. Plus, Adrian made sure to do a medical check on Simon every so often, which is also a little bit of a relief, I’ll admit. Simon had never particularly liked Armando, but for me or Adrian (and in our presence), he’ll let himself be thoroughly checked.
*
Adrian’s care didn’t stop at food.
One free afternoon I heard gentle knocking at the door – and lo and behold, there Adrian was, carrying what I could only describe as a mountain of bedsheets, pillows and blankets.
“Hello friend Grace! Adrian Steve bring more nesting material!” they’d exclaimed from somewhere behind the hoard. Heck, they were barely visible behind it!
“Hello, savior Grace!” a smaller Eridian I recognized as one of the zoologists, known for his kind and curious nature (named after Steve Irwin, after all), said, also almost completely obscured by the load of beddings.
“Uh, hi there,” I managed. “Whatcha got there?”
“Beddings for nesting!” Steve chirped.
“Nesting?” Simon repeated, joining us from where he’d been watering the houseplants in the living room.
“Yes yes yes! Nesting very important,” Adrian explained, running towards the bedroom to deposit the load there. “Human comfort very important!”
“Oh, uh, thanks,” I said. “But, uh, I think we’ve got enough blankets and the like already?"
That had been the wrong thing to say, apparently. Adrian strutted over to me, raising a claw. “Never enough nesting materials!” they corrected me self-assuredly.
Simon, meanwhile, put the watering can down to touch the blankets, a soft smile slowly growing to adorn his lips.
“They’re really soft,” he marveled, and yeah, okay, the bedding could stay.
“Simon like?” Steve asked excitedly.
“Yeah,” Simon assured the smaller Eridian, patting his carapace. “Thank you.”
“No problem at all!” Adrian waved a claw. “Happy nesting!” they added, herding Steve towards the door. “Cuddle a lot! Physical affection good good good!”
Nesting… hm. Maybe I should ask Rocky what exactly did they mean by that.
But I was surely not going to complain, seeing Simon’s gentle smile as he ran his fingers through the bedding, feeling the fabrics.
I felt my own lips tug up in a smile.
Well, whatever the reason for this was, I’m happy that Simon’s happy.
“Wanna, what did they say, cuddle a lot?” I winked at him. He rolled his eyes, but grabbed me by the shirt nevertheless.
*
There was one more aspect of the intensified care, and that was checking Simon’s mental health.
At least that’s what they called it. To me, it seemed more like gossiping about Simon’s life, and, particularly, me.
“So we were having a movie night, and he said ‘you can pick anything’ and I asked if he really meant it, because the last time I picked a movie he cried so hard we had to stop halfway through, but he said–” I heard from the kitchen as I entered the house.
Sure enough, there my beloved Simon was, sitting with Adrian (who came to bring Simon his vitamins, if I had to guess) and drinking tea.
“Hey,” I said, approaching them. “It’s not my fault Finding Nemo is like that.”
“Sure, angel, whatever,” he muttered, but he turned his cheek to get a kiss nonetheless.
“Grace comfort Simon too?” Adrian wasted no time in getting to business.
Simon rolled his eyes. “Yeah, he comforts me too, don’t worry, Adrian.”
Awww. Isn’t he sweet.
“Good good. Would not be good if Simon had no mental support.
“You don’t have to worry about that, Adri,” I said. “I’m always here for you, you know that, right?” I sat next to Simon and took him by the shoulders. He nodded curtly, but I was proud nonetheless. The Simon that he’d been once would not accept support from anyone, so thank god that that version of him is no longer here with us.
“Were you two gossiping about me?” I teased, watching Simon’s cheeks turn adorably red.
“N-no, we-”
“Yes,” Adrian stated. “Now want Grace Simon hear about that time young Rocky did most cringefail thing at party, question?”
It was no time to wonder how that particular word got into their vocabulary.
“Yes. Ab-so-lutely!” I replied practically before Adrian had finished asking.
Simon only laughed.
*
Which brings us to now. Me and Simon are sat on the opposite sides of the table, with Rocky standing on my right and Adrian on my left. Just moments earlier, Adrian had uttered those words. The words that have me bulging my eyes and Simon furiously shaking his head.
“Hm,” Adrian tutted just a moment ago, touching Simon’s stomach. “Been months and Simon belly barely grown.”
Simon merely lifted an eyebrow, so I answered for him.
“Yeah, he really burns off all those calories you’re feeding him fast,” I said noncommittally. “His metabolism’s just like that, I guess.”
“But!” Adrian threw their hands up. “Then what goes to feed human child, question?”
What.
“What?!”
Adrian is staring at me like this is something I’m just supposed to know.
“What… did you say?”
“If Simon burn all extra now, how feed baby, question?”
Oh. Oh so I didn't imagine that. Neat.
Simon, for his part, looks just as discombobulated as I’m sure I do.
“Adrian…,” I start as gently as possible. “What baby?”
The Eridian stomps impatiently. “Your baby! Your human child that Simon carry!”
And wow, I know Simon’s body has been through a lot, especially in the mutations department, but I don’t think it’d changed enough to be able to do that.
And Simon neither, apparently, since he’s now pressing a hand to his belly in confusion.
“Adrian, what-?!” he begins to say. “I’m not pregnant.”
There’s tense silence.
Then Adrian stomps once. “Simon… sure, question?”
“Yes I’m fucking sure?!" Simon shouts, and it’s more of a disbelieving guffaw than a yell of distress, but I stand up and move towards him even so. (I can hear Rocky getting ready to quip back something like "Simon not sound so sure," and I lift a hushing finger in his direction, praying he'll notice.)
Poor Adrian looks to be in shambles. “But… but then…”
I eye Rocky, who cleverly chose to hide under the table. Smart guy. I think I can hear him nervously laughing, but I ignore that for now.
“Why don’t you tell me why on Earth- or Erid did you think Simon was pregnant?” I prompt them.
“Yes yes, well, Grace was nesting–”
Aaaaand there it is again. Back to bite me in full force.
“You mean airing out the bedsheets?”
They tilt a little. “Not same thing, question?”
I run a hand through my hair as Simon shakes his head.
“No, I don’t think so. I was just cleaning up,” I explain as patiently as I can because what do you mean you thought Simon was actually pregnant.
I don’t think the thought is going to leave me be anytime soon.
“So Grace was cleaning nest?” Adrian makes sure. “Not nesting, question?”
“Yeah. What does even nesting mean in this situation?”
“Means mate prepare for birth of pebbles,” Rocky chirps from where he’s loafing. Yeah, the little prick is definitely having the time of his life.
“But don't both mates usually lay eggs together? Don’t they both participate in that?” I ask, because that’s what Rocky told me, long ago.
“Yes, usually, but,” Adrian shifts uncomfortably. “Can also be only one parent. When so, other parent-”
“Makes a nest for them,” Simon speaks up, startling both me and the green Eridian. “You thought Ryland was making me a nest because I was… pregnant?” he asks, voice tight with… with coiled humor.
One look at his face, his twitching lips and half-lidded eyes tells me he finds this all supremely funny, as if I wasn’t about to have an aneurysm a minute ago.
Oh, you little–
“Yes,” Adrian admits, slumping in defeat. “Adrian sorry,” he says, “Adrian got too excited.”
“So that’s why you’ve been doing… all of that,” I realize. Adrian only nods.
“Apology accepted,” Simon says easily, standing up to pet Adrian’s carapace. “No hard feelings. Sorry to say this, Adrian, but me and Ryland can’t make babies.”
If it was possible, Adrian slumps even lower with a defeated sigh. “Aw, shucks,” they sigh, and Simon looks at me with a raised eyebrow.
What? I shrug innocently with a half-smile. I have to admit, these linguistics delights have cheered me up a little bit.
Then suddenly, Adrian stands up again, as tall and menacing as ever. They march right to the door. “Excuse Adrian,” they say, their tone venomous. “Adrian have to murder Bob and Larry, then throw self against a wall.”
“Uh oh,” I say as Adrian sprints away, Rocky following suit, cackling. He does so love his mate being all intimidating and threatening people (and probably to stop the “throw self against a wall” thing, too).
“Soooo…. that was…. something,” I say, looking at Simon to find him watching me intently, eyes dark. I know that look. Uh oh. My face flushes instantly, suddenly getting about a million ideas as to what to do with the afternoon.
“Well, angel,” Simon says, his hand snaking its way up my hip. “You know what Father on Eden said to couples that didn’t succeed in having a child?”
"Wha-aat?” I ask through the fit of giggles threatening to overtake me.
“Told them to try harder,” Simon does his best to deadpan, and I can’t help it this time.
I burst out laughing. Soon enough, Simon joins me, and we laugh and laugh like stupid, dumb idiots.
Stupid dumb idiots in love, I remind myself. Though, sadly for some, with no baby in sight.
The whole thing only makes me laugh harder, now.
Rest in peace, Bob and Larry.