Chapter Text
if there was one thing sirius black regretted──it would be letting emotions and grief strip him from the one thing in her life she fully believed would always be hers. remus lupin. of course, the death of her best friends, James Potter and Lily Evans, had been inevitable; mercurial. however that, it still left her with weights that bruised at her wrists.
one of which was the weight of now having to take care of their son, Harry Potter.
how could she have taken remus, that sweet, kind, beautiful and gentle woman with her? down there? fuck no. so, coddling her aching heart between violent fingers, she put an end to what would've been her fairy tail.
the face remus made, how she sobbed and begged right at her feet, it will forever haunt sirius. even in her best dreams, all of her regrets would find a way to mist whatever good she had been able to savor after letting go of her little bit of magic.
she reflected on it constantly. whether it was at 9 in the morning with banana in her hair, and somehow in her shirt, or at midnight where the moon was most visible. that had been the worst part, when the moon was full and agonizing.
she still went after remus, of course, when the night would give the other literal bone breaking. she'd arrive after she'd have transformed and leave just as remus was about to come back. sirius' emotions never failed to gather like hands holding sand; and slightly, slightly, the sand would slip between the cracks of the fingers. always unrelenting and ending up lodged between the space of her lungs and stomach.
this morning was just as that. deep circles of bruise rounded her already drooping eyes, worse when harry cried and screamed and she could never figure out why.
"oh, baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry──I'm so, so, so, sorry," the words tumble out, strumming her voice notes ever so softly. breathlessly. it was hummed against the thick head of hair of the 2 year old──curse James and his voluminous hair──whilst she cradled the screaming baby to her chest.
the sobbing did not relent. if anything, it got worse. against her will, fountains formed to spill down her very close to hollow cheeks. and she did her best to keep it together, really, she did. it was not easy. it was always a total eclipse of the heart, when that feeling of druxy. fear. dread. it all linked to the same thing and somehow, just somehow, longing had managed to be near all the root to those feelings.
at this sudden litost, she could not help but let herself slip into the dark. she never failed her hold on the world right in her arms, her world, infact, just held him a bit tighter as the messy and undeniable fall of tears began.
"I wish you could tell me what you want, so I can give that to you and- and be the best for you." her voice cracked silently, giving into that plea of desperation. in the middle of it, the doorbell suddenly rung almost slipping sirius out of her own skin with the fright it gave her.
"fucksake," the curse leaves carefully, wearily not to let harry catch hear of it. then, with forgetting to wipe her face and everywhere really, she's swinging open the door──and then her lungs stop functioning. she notes going lightheaded for a fraction of a second before remembering harry in her arms and quickly shoving the feeling to the back of her throat.
"remus?" what the fuck is she doing here, she supplied mentally. "er, hello," remus replies awkwardly. she's fiddling with her fingers again, subconsciously runs through sirius' mind. cute.
remus stares at sirius with wide eyes, raking them across her body. she notices her frail appearance──I'm gone for three months and she looks like a skeleton, worse than so. and still manages to look beautiful─ she catches herself. right. not here for that. well check, is what she titled it as.
totally not an excuse to get a glance of sirius. and to see if she was doing better without her. had she moved on? remus ponders, eyes landing on her thighs which are on full display with the plaid pajamas shorts she has on. then, she notices her grey tank top and is that- is that banana or puke?
"remus..?" she hears sirius say again. harry has stopped crying and is now looking at remus with glassy eyes and far too, wet, chubby cheeks. she smiles at how red they are, just like lily. "right, yeah, sorry─ for, erm, spacing out and randomly.. showing up, I guess." remus mentally smacks herself sideways for being completely uncool.
something akin to a grin paints itself upon sirius' lips. it's tired, though, remus can see it.
the raven haired then asked what she had been dreading most. being, "what.. what are you doing here?" then remus notices how panic flashes her bright, black eyes. she knows she thinks she came off as far too rude.
"I'm, well, I'm worried about you," remus quips, sincerely hoping it didn't sound as desperate as she felt. her eyes look down to her fingers, which are now bleeding as she had been picking them, and then looking back up at the shorter; taking in her pibched brows and frowned lips. "do you wanna come in? I still need to find a way to feed harry and I don't think you fancy much standing there,"
she can only nod. sirius walks back into the, now seeing, messy house, and pats her way back to the kitchen. the soft sound of her bare feet against the wood brings back so many unwanted yet not memories. and, silently, remus follows.
the kitchen is no better.
remus leans against the sink, watching sirius from behind. harry is in his stool again, sirius is trying to feed him some porridge. it's not working. "have you tried putting sugar in it? I know you don't like it in your porridge so I'm assuming you wouldn't put it in his. that could be why isn't eating it, you know?" she watches sirius' shoulders hunch and then drop. "right. the fucking sugar," she's turning then, watching remus with her hands on her hips.
"honestly, how could I forget the fucking sugar?!" sirius throws her hands up in the air then, and dramatically let's them slap against the side of her thighs with a sigh.
"that sounded painful," remus snorts.
"you have no idea," replies sirius, digging in the cupboard she's far too short for. then, very quietly, "merlin, that was such a bad idea," one hand stops it's digging, falls to her right thigh and rubs where it's being stitched red in splotches.
remus' eyes follow her hand the whole day, her throat going a tad bit dry and stomach flipping in ways she'd have forgotten about.
"aha!" sirius suddenly yells, startling both her and harry. her left hand is high with sugar mounted in it. "I found it! now, let's feed you, harry."
harry then eats; without a fuss, too. sirius still ends up with porridge in her hair, remus with it on her sweater, but both consider it a win.