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Fate.
Simon never truly believed in destiny. Or gods, even though he really wanted and tried to. It seemed a little easier to live with hope that everything was happening on purpose and eventually bring everyone peace. But it was hard to blindly trust higher forces when the world was crumbling to dust, the whole universe dying slowly before his own eyes.
As he was descending into the blood ocean, in the back of his head he knew the submarine would be the last thing he saw but just refused for that thought to fully settle in, desperately searching for that foolish hope.
Laying on the floor, coughing blood, with ringing in his ears, every muscle in his body sore and no strength left, he was ready to meet the creator, if there even was one. He thought that was it when a glowing and swirling portal-like mirage appeared in the sub, blinding him in the almost pitch-black interior. A human-looking silhouette stepped out, “an angel” Simon thought before passing out.
The memories from that time were fuzzy, all the people, words and sensations smearing into an overwhelming cluster. Except that one face. That one person who stayed by his side the most. He would never forget the moment when he finally gained full consciousness and locked eyes with him, staring silently as the other tried and failed not to cry.
His name was Mark. He tried his best to explain everything, reassure him and be careful with his questions. Simon found it hard to comprehend some concepts, especially the fact that he ended up in a completely different universe somehow, where humanity was thriving and the stars were abundant. It was a lot to process but the other's company was making it easier. There was something about the way he talked that was bringing Simon peace, even though he didn't always fully understand.
Soon he found himself putting on a khaki jumpsuit for the first time, officially joining the crew under Mark's patronage. It wasn't a big event celebrated by everyone on the ship but a tranquil moment just between the two, with the engineer gently placing all the patches, explaining the meaning behind each of them.
And Simon always asked himself “why?”. Why did Mark save him? Why did he survive? Why did he deserve it all? Because he didn't feel worth it. He didn't understand why him of all people.
One particularly bad night he found himself standing in the bathroom, a sharp tool from his belt in his trembling hands. “Butcher” kept echoing in his head, each passing second bringing the tool closer to his chest. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, about to do the irreversible, but that was when he saw that face engraved into his soul. He couldn't do that to him. He broke down, sobbing and curling up. Moments later when he felt arms wrapping around him, he didn't have to check and just leaned into the embrace.
That night put an end to one of his battles - the most important one - and now he knew he had someone to continue fighting alongside him.
Simon understood it was more than that too, something so foreign to him yet felt so natural with Mark. He saw that in the other's eyes as well but he knew this golden retriever of a man wouldn't try to make the first move, not wanting to do something he wasn't ready for. And with that, Simon decided to finally take his destiny into his own hands.
His life wasn't the same ever since. Waking up wasn't just a necessity anymore, he genuinely looked forward to every day he could spend with Mark. Listening to his sweet ramblings during breakfast, learning new things with him at work and chilling together in the evenings.
Comfort - that new feeling was almost intoxicating. Even though he was still distant at times, he always found himself yearning for the other's company, even if they would just sit in silence. Maybe he wasn't a bundle of joy like him, smiles still being rare, but it was the happiest he’s ever felt.
Neither of them minded things happening slowly. Simon was experiencing most of that for the first time and that gentle and affectionate touch from Mark would always cause a tingling in his body, no matter if he was cupping his face or just holding his hand. And he wouldn't exchange that for anything in the world.
However, there was that one spot he told the engineer to avoid. His neck. His scar, always neatly hidden under the high collar of the white turtleneck. He vaguely told Mark what was there but never gave any details and the other didn’t try to pursue the topic, sensing it was a difficult one. To be honest, he didn't ask about his past at all, loving him just for who he was now. The most he knew was about his last days in that universe, about his journey in the SM-13.
Today, Simon was about to change it.
It was getting late when the engineer knocked on the door and walked in, finding the other sitting on the bed. They both knew it was the day, having talked about it before. The anticipation was thick in the air.
“I've got mozzarella sticks.”
Mark presented a plate, smiling softly. Simon's body relaxed just a bit as he let out a small breath and weakly smiled back. “It's alright. It's gonna be fine. It's Mark” he thought to himself.
They both got comfortable on the bed, sitting cross legged, facing each other and eating in silence. The plate was lying on the sheets between them but neither cared about leaving crumbs. Not today.
“Well, that was a healthy snack before bed.”
The engineer joked as they finished and he put the plate on a nightstand. He knew it was about to get serious and he wanted to make one last moment a bit more lighthearted.
As their eyes met, he knew he did the right thing, the other silently thankful for the distraction. Mark reached both hands towards him, waiting for him to decide whether he wanted to hold them or not. There was a bit of hesitation before Simon shook his head slightly, some loose strands falling onto his face.
“Not this time.”
He had to focus, at least that was what he told himself. In reality, he knew that physical contact would just make him tear up way too fast.
“Alright.”
The engineer gently tucked the hair back in its place, feeling the other leaning into the touch ever so slightly, and put his hands back on his lap.
Silence filled the room once again as Simon slowly gathered the courage, not really used to saying this much, especially at once. He used to wonder why it was affecting him like that, why it made him so emotional. Only recently did he realize (with Mark's help) that it was because earlier he hadn't had anyone willing to listen. To understand. To care. Everything was bottled up and now the floodgates were finally open.
“I was just a kid when the Quiet Rapture happened. I didn't fully understand what it meant, I didn't know how lucky I was to be alive. Well… maybe lucky isn't the best word.”
His Adam's apple moved up and down as he swallowed but his throat still felt tight. He felt like he should mention his mother but that was a whole different story. Another time.
“I don't really remember how I ended up on Eden's ship but that was my life from now on. They called each other brothers, raising me to be like them, worshipping a god I tried to but didn't really believe in. And I could always feel that there was something wrong, something they've been hiding from me. But I had no other options, they gave me everything when I had nothing and I was just a kid. So when I reached the right age, I didn't protest getting a tattoo.”
It was the first time not hearing Mark's response for so long but he knew it was on purpose, he promised to stay silent as long as it was needed. It was tempting to look at his face, to search for that fragile sense of comfort he craved right now, but he didn't want to get distracted. Not yet.
“Some time after that, a plan started forming. One of the ships belonging to the COI, a seed bank called Filament Station, was the target. I was told that Eden wanted to take it over and brutal force would be needed. I really didn't want to go but, as you can imagine, I didn't have a choice.”
Tension in his face was building up.
“I was 16 then.”
He needed to take a deep breath to get the control of his voice back. Even though he didn't look at Mark, he sensed the shift in him. He knew damn well how much the engineer wanted to comfort him already, how much he cared. And that thought gave him some strength to continue.
“We did it. There were… so many people killed… But it wasn't enough for them. The chief commanded us to plant explosives all over the ship and everyone just started doing that and… and turned out they all knew from the beginning. That was the plan, to kill everyone.”
His eyes closed tightly and his fists clenched almost painfully. He hated that memory. The fact that he was forced to take part in a slaughter and couldn't do anything about it. How helpless he felt. How many innocent lives were lost for that sick ideology.
“I…”
It was hard to speak with so much tension in his body but he pushed through. Simon knew the tears were inevitable and that anger was the only thing keeping them away. The only thing protecting that scared child.
“I tried to stop them. I really did. And it-... worked too well… Just by begging them not to do it I caused so much commotion that-...”
He felt his facade breaking but he needed to focus on one more moment. The hardest part.
“... the bombs went off with all of us still on board. All because-... b-because of m-me-...”
His hands were shaking from how hard his fists were clenched as he was fighting the urge to run away. To hide from everything, from his past, from Mark who shouldn't have trusted him and who he didn't deserve.
“I was… the only one who s-survived.”
A lone tear slowly rolled down his cheek, leaving a wet trail that quickly cooled down. Simon wasn't sure if it was caused by the dam finally cracking or just the sheer force with which he kept his eyes shut.
It all started being too much, memories looping in his head, hearing the cries of his brothers as they burned in flames. The pause was getting too long and Mark sensed what was wrong.
“Can I?”
His voice was very soft, almost a whisper, yet so powerful. Simon didn't look at him, he didn't know what he wanted to do but it didn't matter. With some difficulty, he nodded silently, fully trusting him.
A partly gloved hand gently cupped his cheek, a feeling so familiar by now, immediately releasing some of that built up tension and slowly bringing him back to reality. The engineer’s thumb traced the salty path, replacing the coldness with soft warmth.
A single sob escaped Simon's lips as another tear left his closed eyes, this time being wiped right away. They sat like that in silence that was only periodically interrupted by quiet ragged gasps, continuing this small ritual for a long while.
Eventually his eyes opened slowly and timidly moved to Mark. He almost broke down again seeing all this kindness in his face. Aside from his mother, no one in his entire life had ever looked at him like that. Nothing even close. Although, this time an evident sadness was there too, making Simon's heart ache.
He wasn't sure what to do, having not talked about how he got the scar yet. Didn't he say too much already? Didn't he make Mark worry enough? He knew that calmness was just to comfort him, he knew beneath that he was concerned as hell.
The other somehow sensed it all and helped him get out of his own head.
“I’m okay if you want to tell the rest. Are you?”
Choice. He had a choice again. He could decide. It wasn't forced.
Simon found himself slightly leaning into the hand on his cheek, finding strength in the touch. He took a moment to think everything through and swallowed to clear his aching throat before speaking.
“Yes.”
He made sure to sound confident, even though he didn't fully feel that way. But it was his best chance to tell the whole story. Finally his side of the story.
“Thank you.”
It sounded quieter than he intended but neither of them minded. Mark smiled ever so slightly in response.
“Always.”
It wasn't just an empty promise, Mark really was there for him from the day they met. And he had no plans to change that.
Simon took a deep breath and took the other's hand, slowly pulling it away from his face. He gave it a soft squeeze, just holding it for a moment before putting it back on the engineer's lap.
“With the scar it is… not a nice story.”
Maybe it was counterintuitive but that wasn't as hard for him to tell. It was the most pain he had experienced in his life but… it somehow felt easier than the previous part.
“If you want to share it, I'm willing to listen.”
He nodded and shifted his gaze away, trying to focus again. He was also wondering how Mark was staying so calm. Simon knew him, or so he thought. It wasn't his usual demeanor, he was always so expressive with his emotions, both positive and negative ones. Why was this time different?
“After that… another COI ship arrived, probably responding to a distress call. Seeing me, an Eden's child, the only one alive, was a clear message to them. Even though I was the only one against that genocide…”
His thumb was rubbing the knife sheath attached to his belt, one of very few things Mark had managed to take from SM-13, something that turned out to be the single most important item to him.
“I tried to tell them… but why would they listen? Why would they ever believe a member of a death cult? Why would they have any mercy for a-”
His throat suddenly felt dry as a desert, cutting his sentence short. He swallowed, squeezing the pouch.
“Butcher.”
It was probably the worst part of all of this. Having that name, that stigma. Repeating over and over again until at some point he had started to believe it, suddenly seeing himself fit that title.
“They didn't care that I was technically still a kid. I was mature enough to face the consequences, they said. Now I know that it was just for a show, special treatment to use it as a warning to others. But back then I was… I was just scared. Tied and blindfolded, they took me to their ship. It's a bit… blurry… what happened next. They beat the hell out of me, that I know. How long it took or anything around it I just… don't remember.”
Simon took a small glance at the other, even though he had promised himself not to until he finished, but he needed to gauge Mark's reaction, how much it was affecting him, before he could continue.
That… that sad look on his face… He didn't look overwhelmed or distressed so Simon knew he could say the rest but… he didn't want to make the other feel like that. It was breaking his heart, a feeling oh so new to him. But it was the best moment. “Just tell him and get this over with” he thought and looked down at his fidgeting hands again.
“Then, when I didn't have any strength left to resist, they took me to an empty room and tied to a chair. Blindfold was taken off so I could see but they put some fabric into my mouth - to muffle my screams, as I soon found out. Actually, this allowed me to bite down onto it and cope a little with the pain.”
It was getting intense. In the corner of his vision he noticed Mark shifting slightly. He knew the other wanted to hold him closely so badly and it would happen soon but just one more moment.
He didn't even notice that his descriptions were getting gradually more detailed, as if he was trying to remember everything. It was probably the first time when he fully let himself go back to those memories and finally process them properly.
“There was a small fireplace, which was odd, and one of them took something from it, walking towards me. I started panicking once I realized what it was leading to. Metal so hot it was glowing red and yellow approached my face. With the little energy I had left, I tried to move away, struggling in the chair. Someone held my head against their body to stop it from trashing, exposing my neck.”
He swallowed and put his hand over the collar of the turtleneck, as if to protect it. He closed his eyes, letting out a tensed breath, his words slowing down.
“I teared up and looked at the person holding the rod but he… he didn't seem to care… ‘Where’s your god now?’ he asked and pressed the metal over the Eden tattoo. And I… I screamed… so loud that the gag didn't really muffle much. But I'm sure I'd break my teeth if it wasn't for it, I was clenching them so tightly… It felt like… like the metal melted through skin and bone but… it was just on the surface.”
Just.
He opened his eyes back but he shifted his gaze to the side, turning his head. His fingers were trembling slightly as he pulled the collar down, revealing the scar. It looked nasty, the edges were irregular, probably because he was moving so much as it was forming. Bits of the tattoo were still slightly visible, two parallel lines crossing each other at some point, but it was very faded from how old it was.
He knew the story was about to end but he wasn't sure how Mark would react. Would he feel sorry? Or sacred? Or disgusted? He was both anticipating and dreading it.
Simon said too much, didn't he? …
“They put me in prison after this. They always referred to me as Convict, like I was nothing more than that. I didn't see a single soul aside from guards for a long time. I guess they were just done with me.”
Tortured. Broken. Then thrown away.
“From time to time I would have a cellmate but they all were from Eden so… you can imagine how it looked like, after what I've done.”
Alone. Despised. Remorseful.
“And… you know the rest. I got that chance for redemption but… somehow I felt right away I wasn't going to make it to the surface. I didn't really mind, though… … And… and that's it, I think…”
It felt… weird. Almost relieving but there was more. Even though Mark never asked about it, it felt like Simon was hiding the truth from him before. Like he tricked the engineer to like him. Like he lied about who he was.
It didn't catch him off guard when the other slowly moved closer and wrapped his arms around him, he had a feeling something like that would happen. What was different was the tenderness, touch more delicate than ever, as if he was afraid to break something. Simon noticed that he held him differently, purposefully avoiding the spot even more carefully than before, his head resting on his shoulder on the opposite side than where the scar was.
Why had he ever doubted that Mark would understand?
His own hands were still resting on his lap, not really having the energy or right headspace to return the gesture. He just got a little closer, rested his head against the other's.
That was what Simon needed and the engineer knew it exactly. Not big words of compassion, not reassuring that everything was gonna be fine, not even that sweet ramblings as a distraction. Just peace and quiet as his favorite person in the world was holding him tenderly.
He felt loved. He felt how genuine it was. It was tailored for him perfectly because Mark knew him and was willing to put in the effort. It was all just for him.
They stayed in the moment for a long while, the engineer started slowly stroking his hair at some point and Simon closed his eyes again. All the memories were still swirling in his head but they calmed down significantly and the tiredness almost made him want to fall asleep.
“Simon?”
That softly spoken word made him awake again. Neither of them moved though, keeping their heads on each other's shoulders.
“Yeah…?”
He responded in a similar tone. There was a small pause, as if Mark was still searching for the right words.
“I hope you know… that you have a permanent home here. That I'll fight with every fiber of my body for you. That I love you for who you are and it'll never change.”
Simon wasn't really keen on big words but Mark always made them so sweet and genuine. And that promises… It was more than he could've ever asked for, more than he thought he deserved. More than he ever had.
His lips trembled slightly and moved into the tiniest smile as he finally hugged the engineer back. In that moment, he really thought it all was possible.
“I believe you.”
Even though he was significantly taller than the engineer, he felt so small in his embrace. Like a dumped puppy finally finding his forever home.
After a moment he felt a wet drop on the back of his now exposed neck and it slowly trailed down to the turtleneck. He gently pulled back to look at Mark and saw his reddened teary eyes shifting away, a little mad at himself that he was “caught”.
Simon wasn't the one to judge. He knew it was bound to happen sooner or later, he knew the engineer would get lost in the “it's not fair” thoughts and eventually break down. He didn't think it was a sign of weakness though. Caring for someone this much was the most precious thing in the universe to him. And he felt eternally grateful for having someone feeling this way towards him.
It was his turn to put his own glowed hand on the other's cheek. He gently guided Mark to look back at him, wordlessly reassuring him that everything was alright.
There was something about Simon, some strength radiating from him, that was always so inspiring and grounding for him. He sniffed and wiped the tears with his sleeve.
“I was supposed to be comforting you, not the other way around.”
Mark cracked a small smile, which earned a similar reaction from the other. Like it all was meant to go this way.
“You already did, I'm just returning the favor.”
He leaned closer and planted a kiss on the engineer's forehead, which made the other red again but for a good reason this time.
They held each other's hands, caressing them, as Mark was calming down.
Simon was wondering how it was that he collected himself so quickly. Maybe it was still an old protective mechanism of his mind and maybe he didn't fully process everything and he would have to go back to these memories again in the future. But he didn't mind that, not with Mark there to share it all with.
“Do you mind if I ask something?”
The engineer finally spoke with his usual kind tone and a hint of curiosity.
“Sure, go ahead.”
There was a small pause with silent hesitation before Mark looked at him.
“Does the scar still hurt?”
Oh, so it was this kind of question.
Simon thought about it for a moment, his hand subconsciously moving to his neck, lingering near the mark.
“No, I don't think so… not really.”
The other nodded, carefully choosing his words again.
“Then touching it… it ‘only’ brings back the memories?”
He kind of stared at nothing, feeling the skin shifting under his fingers as he swallowed and then went silent for a moment. The response was quiet.
“And feelings…”
Another nod, followed by space to think for both of them.
“What exactly? If you want to share.”
To be honest… he never focused on that, it was just bad. But maybe if he tried…
His fingers twitched a little as they experimentally moved to the jagged edge for a second.
It was like a shock but something was forming. He did that again, two or three more times. Maybe it didn't look like much from the outside, Simon was staying relatively calm, but it was a lot to actually try to recognize what it all was.
“A bit of… everything. Eden, both longing for and despising it... The explosion - fear, regret and injustice. And the mark burning, how… how I…”
He took a shaky breath and just put his hand on the scar, completely covering it, kind of forcing himself to experience it fully as he said it.
“How I feel like I actually deserved what happened to me, all the pain. And that they called me a Butcher for a reason.”
Simon felt a shiver run through his body. He finally let it out, with actual words, not just hints and Mark's assumptions. He swallowed, making the scar shift under his touch but it… wasn't as bad as before. Not much, but different.
“Guilt. It's all guilt.”
He wasn't looking at Mark as he said it but he felt his gaze on him either way. He sensed he was coming up with something and it already brought him a tiny bit of comfort.
“What if… we tried to replace that with something new?”
No “poor Simon”. He loved that.
His gaze moved back to Mark, observing as he slowly reached his hand towards the one resting on his neck. The engineer kept his eyes on him, the silence was a question, a request for permission.
In all honesty, Simon had never thought about it before, too scared to face what was already deeply rooted there. Too scared to stop running away from it.
If there was only one person in the whole universe who he trusted to do that, it was Mark.
With hearing his heart beating in his ears, he nodded slightly, feeling his whole skin crawling. It was like time slowed down and sped up all at once as his hand was getting closer.
No, it was too much. He wasn't ready. Not yet. Not-
Before Simon decided to move away, everything exploded.
It should've been nothing. Mark's hand was just resting there, not even directly on his skin. There was no pressure, just… just warmth.
“Breathe… in and out…”
He didn't even notice his breath was stuck in his throat, Simon was so glad to have him there. He listened to the advice, exhaling shakily, which renewed the tingling feeling radiating from the scar through his whole body.
Breathe.
It was so much. But the most intense was… the closeness itself. He had never let anyone touch this side of his neck, even the prison guards had learnt their lesson and avoided accidentally doing that.
That was the last line of defense finally shutting off. For the first time, he was completely vulnerable.
“Mark…”
His name came out as a whisper. He wasn't sure what he even wanted, Simon just needed to hear him.
“I'm here… How are you feeling?”
“... You…”
The engineer tilted his head, trying to read the meaning from his face.
“What about me?”
There was this intensity in his eyes, he wanted to say so much but just couldn't form correct words. Eventually, he settled on something he knew Mark would understand.
“I… I love you…”
It meant much more than that. It meant everything. The engineer gave him a small smile in response and it was like seeing the sun for the first time after a long winter - the glow so soft yet so impactful. Simon’s head was spinning lightly as the other kissed his forehead and replied with “I love you too.”
He had never felt this many emotions, especially contradicting each other, in such a short period of time. But he wanted to continue, keep up the pace to get this all over with. He found himself feeling comfortable in this state of being completely vulnerable with Mark. He was an open book for him to read.
He took the engineer's hand, moving it away, but only to shift around and settle closer in his arms, leaning his back against Mark's chest. A little breather as he was gently fidgeting with the other's hand.
“It's starting to work.”
His voice was still quiet, almost a whisper. He could practically feel the engineer’s smile growing wider.
“I'm glad.”
After a small pause, he added.
“Do you want to guide me now?”
Simon nodded, a small smile appeared on his face as well at the thought that Mark knew him so well. It all felt like it was always supposed to go like this.
A gentle squeeze. He slowly moved the other's hand to the scar again, this time without his one in between. His heart was thumping as he placed it there.
He closed his eyes and kept repeating Mark's name in his head, fighting past memories with new ones. It all reached its maximum when the engineer ever so slightly moved his thumb, experimentally caressing the delicate skin with feather-like touches.
Simon didn't even notice some tears spilling until the other started wiping them away. Without looking at Mark, he chuckled softly and leaned more against him. It was like a melody to the engineer, the most beautiful sound in the whole universe.
There was this relief and peace slowly washing away everything else. Maybe a tribute to how late it was getting and how tired Simon felt after the intense evening. It was hard to believe how much had happened, how much had changed in that one conversation.
“I have one more idea.”
The engineer's voice made him realize that he almost fell asleep already. But he was curious about what he had in mind, it all was great so far.
“Yeah? What is it?”
His voice was a little slurry from almost drifting off but his eyes lit up as he looked at him.
“I hope not too much.”
The way Mark said it didn't bring any concern, quite the opposite. So as he removed his hand, wrapped both arms around him and leaned his head closer to the scar, Simon understood where it was going. In that small pause, he nodded, giving the other permission again. His body felt warmer already as he slightly tilted his head and exposed his neck a little more for him.
And like that, Mark closed the distance and planted a kiss on the scar. It was the gentlest touch Simon had ever experienced, nothing from before came even close. It felt so unreal, so impossibly delicate and full of love that it all seemed like a dream. He wouldn’t believe it was really happening if it wasn't for the engineer's grounding presence and arms wrapped around him in a protective embrace.
It was almost intoxicating. Both because of how close it made him feel with Mark and because it actually seemed to work like the engineer had suggested. In all of that, the memories were starting to drown in the ocean of new, finally positive, sensations and emotions.
“A-Again… Please…”
He needed to feel this one more time, that finally his past wasn't in control anymore. It was still there but… now there was also Mark. And he was the present. And the future.
Another kiss, a little more confident than the first one. Simon let out a deep breath, this one was slow and steady. Despite the intense emotions, his body finally began relaxing. His eyes closed again and he fully leaned against Mark. A small but genuine smile appeared on his face as he felt a familiar touch on his cheeks, wiping his tears again. Why was he crying so much suddenly? But who cared. Definitely neither of the two.
“You're drifting off.”
Oh he really was. Mark's warm voice brought him back from what was probably already a sleep. He rubbed his eyes and mumbled something as a response, shifting in the other's arms still wrapped around him.
“Let's get some rest. It's been a long day, hasn't it?”
Simon nodded and sighed, still not moving for one more moment before, with some reluctance to leave the embrace, he sat up properly. His hair was disheveled and his face was still all red and puffy. He glanced at the other in a way that let Mark know everything before he even asked the question out loud.
“Can you stay tonight…? Please…?”
How was he supposed to say no? If he needed to, that is.
“Of course.”
The engineer gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and stood up from the bed to go to a drawer. Simon was a little confused at first but quickly remembered what was there. His tired eyes followed the other as he walked to the nightstand and changed the lightbulb in the small lamp. It was a gift he got a long time ago from Mark to help with falling asleep and nightmares that he used to have at the beginning.
The lamp was turned on and the room got illuminated with tiny dots, not very visible for now. Simon laid down with an exhale and stared at the ceiling as Mark turned off the main light and the dots turned into stars, galaxies and constellations. He smiled softly as his gaze wandered around and peace slowly washed over him.
The mattress shifted when Mark joined him, reaching for a blanket and covering them both before he fully settled down. Their hands found each other almost right away and they just stared at the “stars” in silence.
A long time had passed and the engineer was sure that Simon had fallen asleep already but then he heard his voice.
“You’ve been so calm through everything today, why is that? I mean… you always talk a lot and don’t hide your emotions, which I absolutely love. But aside from that one moment, you didn't really do that. Why…?”
They kept looking at the ceiling, taking it slow. Mark had all the time to figure out how to explain it.
“You know me.”
He started with a gentle smile evident in his words and an affectionate caress to Simon's hand.
“I'm not always the best listener, my brain works on solutions even before someone finishes talking and the emotions take the best of me. For this… I knew how important that was, for both of us. I did all I could to just listen and be there for you. Not everything needs a solution, and not right away.”
That last sentence Mark directed mostly at himself.
Silence fell once again while Simon tried to comprehend that someone would put so much effort and practically change their habits for him.
He wanted to return the favor, or at least try to. There was no way he would ever be able to do as much as Mark had been doing for him but that never seemed to be an issue for the engineer. The same with affection, it wasn't like Simon didn't want that, it just came to him less naturally. He sometimes wasn't sure what to do, what was right, so he rarely initiated things.
But this time he really wanted to try. He brought their connected hands to his lips and planted a kiss on Mark's. He held it with the other one and started idly caressing it.
“Thank you… for everything…”
These words came out quieter than he had intended but it didn't matter. And it was clear that the last part was referring to not only things that had happened that day but also way back and all in between.
“You’re my everything.”
Mark said it without thinking and blushed immediately. But it was true, maybe it was for the best that he let it out now.
Simon turned his head towards him and just stared with those beautiful brown eyes and mouth slightly open, as if he was waiting for further explanation. The engineer looked at him as well with a slightly bashful smile.
“I mean it. My life wouldn't be the same without you.”
It was one of those moments where Simon just wasn't sure how to respond even though he wanted to so much. It was hard to believe but Mark was always honest about such things, he wouldn't lie. To think… after being nothing more than an inconvenience and a monster to others his whole life, somehow he found his place in a completely different universe and now he meant a lot more, he was a part of the crew, a friend, a lover and everything…
“My life wouldn't even ‘be’ without you.”
There was a weight to his words. It was always scary to think about but Simon had been on the verge of death when Mark found him and they both knew it.
The other shifted his eyes to their connected hands, absentmindedly nodding to confirm that he knew he was Simon's savior. His thoughts were wandering to those moments.
“You're more than everything to me.”
He added and lightly squeezed the engineer's hand to get his attention back. There was a small tired smile on his face reassuring that everything was alright. It wasn't often when he knew how to properly express his emotions and be supportive but it seemed to be going alright. Simon was slowly getting better at it and he was internally so proud of this moment.
Oh the way Mark's heart grew at that, seeing the other slowly becoming the person he was always meant to be - kind, gentle and curious about the world. And he felt so honored to be there every step of the process.
They didn't need to say anything more, they both just got closer and leaned their foreheads against each other. In the comfortable silence, their hands slowly wandered towards their faces, gently caressing the features. They kept looking into each other's eyes, expressing more than any words ever could. This moment was just for that, for being so close to one another.
It surprised Mark a little when Simon leaned in and initiated the kiss, he wasn't usually one to do that. Either way, it felt just as amazing as always. No pressure, no expectations and that intoxicating tenderness. It was short but intentional, slowly unloading the weight of everything for both of them.
Just to make sure it was alright, Simon looked at the engineer with an unspoken question. Mark just smiled back in response and after a small break he took his turn. Their eyes closed as they kept a slow pace, forgetting about the whole world just for that short while.
A thought crossed his mind to try caressing the scar again but no, not this time. However, that made him think about the whole situation again, how much he felt sorry for the other and how he just wanted to fix everything because he did deserve happiness.
“Simon…”
Mark whispered barely audibly. Actually, it just slipped out and they both opened their eyes at that.
“Hm?”
“Oh, nothing- I didn't- I wasn't-”
He blushed a little and just couldn't find the words. Simon noticed and smiled kindly, planting a kiss on his cheek.
“Alright.”
The tiredness was showing more and more for both of them, struggling to keep their eyes open.
“Sleep?”
Simon asked and the engineer nodded almost right away. As if on cue, Mark yawned, causing the other to do the same. They smiled sleepily, finding the timing funny.
They shifted around to get more comfortable, Simon once again that day turned his back to him and melted into his arms, his eyes closed on their own. He still didn't know how to describe it but there was something in that specific embrace that made him feel safe from, well, everything. The time always slowed down in those moments and made the world around seem less relevant. As long as Mark was there, everything was alright.
“Last thing to try?”
The sound was soft, almost a whisper. Simon responded the same way and didn't even try to guess what it was going to be, too sleepy already.
“Sure. What did you come up with?”
He couldn't see it but Mark was blushing lightly, shy to say it out loud.
“I wanna nuzzle your neck.”
It was mumbled a little, he could blame it on being tired but that wasn't the real reason. But Simon didn't really notice, to be honest.
“Sounds nice.”
It made him happy and the blush continued slowly spreading as he slowly leaned closer and did exactly that. He had been avoiding it before, not really sure how big the sensitive zone was. But now he knew about the scar and how big it was, so he could adjust and find new ways to show his affection.
There was a tingling sensation at first, caused by the other's short beard. Simon smiled at that, it was another reminder that Mark was right there. It settled after a moment but his presence was still as evident as ever, bringing peace to his soul.
“I love you.”
Simon wasn't sure if he said it properly, or out loud at all, but as if in response the engineer lazily kissed the back of his neck, making him smile sleepily.
And like that, the line between slumber and reality disappeared, leaving him not only not having nightmares but also having an actual nice dream for the first in as long as he can remember. Despite opening the floodgates of his past, Mark somehow flooded him with even more love. And that was what mattered.