Work Text:
Luo Binghe has been extremely moody as of late. If before he would turn on the water fountains at the slightest provocation, then now it was much worse. The lever seemed to be broken! Shen Qingqiu would catch him staring at the clouds, weeping, and if asked why, he would say, lips trembling, “I just, I just saw your face smiling down at me.”
And if Shen Qingqiu hit him with a fan, fuming that he was very much still alive, the tears would rush down familiar grooves anew, while the widest grin graced his lips. “Shizun can hit me more if that's what he needs.”
Protagonist! This old man couldn’t keep up with your raging M tendencies, okay?!
But well. After contemplating the matter and categorising the inconstancy of his manner, like the number of times he cried in one day –he exceeded the usual mark of two to five cries per day by a wide margin!– the causes of these waterworks, which ranged from ‘This Binghe is just so happy. Shizun, here, eat this.’ to ‘The sheets don't smell like Shizun's favourite incense anymore! The food tasted bad! This Binghe has failed you!’. And the many, many extra hours he now spent cooking, cleaning both the bamboo house and their bedchamber in the palace, staring at him with a shy and secretive smile, plastering ghost exorcism talismans across the walls and doors, reading weird books with titles like Enrich the bean’s short home stay with these healthy recipes, and, more importantly, the thing that stupefied Shen Qingqiu the most and started this whole observe-one-wild-Binghe operation…
The heavenly pillar stopped its incursions! It had been four weeks, nearly five, without a sign of it.
And just to make it clear, Shen Qingqiu wasn't missing it or anything crazy like that. Why would he? But when you were used to previously established affairs, any derailment would raise questions, right?!
Right. And that was precisely why he stood in front of the closed door of their bathroom one day, listening intently to what could only be the sounds of the protagonist masturbating, in the wee hours of the morning, instead of doing the deed together before they slept like… like husbands, and then he heard him retch his guts out.
Stomach roiling in sympathy, he slid the door open and knelt beside one naked, crying husband, checking his temperature and soothing him, brushing off his apologies and ignoring the dangling elephant’s trunk in the room.
While doing that, he wondered. He might be grasping at mist, but, right before the start of these weird events, hadn't Luo Binghe been stung by a Baby-Maker Bee?! And hadn't he, his Shizun, upon smelling the heady scent his disciple's flesh exuded, straddled him, right there in that clearing, and, and!
Could it be that Luo Binghe, heavenly demon and emperor, was pregnant?!
No, no. Shen Qingqiu must have lost his mind. The Baby-Maker Bee shouldn't affect men; it only enhances the fertility of women! It was true that it could affect certain species of male animals, he conceded, but men? Hah!
…But could one even consider demons as humans? Humanoid beings for sure, but humans? Of course not. Then what about a part-demon, part-human hybrid male? What about a half heavenly demon ?
Holy shit.
*
“So let me get this straight. Because a bee made you the top for one second—”
“An hour.”
“…right. So, because a bee made you top the heavenly hole for one hour, now you think my son is pregnant?”
“Stop calling him your son, and it wasn’t any bee!” Shen Qingqiu frowned, and Shang Qinghua nodded, face devoid of emotion.
“I see.” Shang Qinghua’s eyes were closed. “ A baby-making bee that could impregnate male demons, you say? Nah, I didn't write anything like that. Not the original bee nor this new version of it. Even I have my creative limits.”
“It doesn't impregnate them! Rather, it makes it possible, that’s my theory, anyway. And are you sure you didn't write it? Do I need to meditate on it and remember which arc you used them in?”
“Absolutely not, there's no need for that.” Shang Qinghua waved his arms. “Let’s say you were correct and my s– Luo Binghe is pregnant. This sounds so weird.” He grimaced. “What do you want me to do? Be his midwife? Please don't let me be his midwife.”
“Will you stop your nonsense? I want to ascertain Luo Binghe’s pregnancy! He, a heavenly demon, has morning sickness and mood swings! More than usual, that’s it. He’s either pregnant or dying, and I would prefer the first option!”
The two immortals, sitting inside Shang Qinghua’s office around a small table laden with tea and refreshments, stared at each other.
“Just…just check his meridians?” Shang Qinghua offered.
“Luo Binghe didn't allow me to. He said his demonic qi may harm me before fleeing off.”
“Huh. Harm you.” Reaching towards a bowl full of Dragon-Bone Cantaloupe seeds, Shang Qinghua lounged back on his chair and munched on them. The crunchy sounds and the smacking of his lips annoyed one Peerless Cucumber to no end, but he persevered. “Well, then ask him.”
A fan unfurled, hiding the lower part of Shen Qingqiu’s face. “He may feel self-conscious, and what if he likes the idea so much but then it turns out I was wrong? He would cry. And if that happens, then from where could I materialise a baby to calm him down? I need discretion."
More munching. “Damn, you’re down so bad.”
“Airplane, stop testing my patience before I beat the shit out of you and tell me how I can do a pregnancy test without him knowing.”
“By talking to a healer? Ah, ah! Lower that. Oh wait!” Shang Qinghua’s countenance lit up. He slammed the table in his excitement, rattling the tea set and dishes atop it, and leaned forward. “Bro, bro bro! I know exactly what you need. Frogs.”
“Frogs?” Shen Qingqiu echoed, brows creasing. “What do you mean?”
“Pee.” Shang Qinghua answered eloquently. “Let your husband pee on a frog, or inside it, I forgot the details, then wait for the thing to lay eggs within a day. If it did, then congrats! You’ll become a father.”
Confusion replaced by disgust, Shen Qingqiu checked the temperature of his tea, warm now, unfortunately, and threw it at that stupid, grinning face. “Does your brain only house piss remedies?! Huh?! First it was that horse’s eyes, and now you want me to subject a poor frog to such horrors! If you’re into that kind of predilection, then fine! But don't try to drag me with you!”
“Okay, okay, calm down. And just for the record, I’m not into that! If you’ve got any objections, then go take them to the folks who keep coming up with these ideas.”
“Is that where your background research went…? Never mind, give me something else, a scientific method that doesn’t harm any animal. Be it physically or psychologically.”
“Uh, you know that I’m no obstetrician, right? Mu Qingfang is literally on this mountain. ”
Thin, bony fingers played with the fan handle menacingly, and Shang Qinghua swallowed. “Fuck, okay let me think…Oh! Wheat.”
“…and what should I do with it?”
“If Luo Binghe peed on– Ouch! Have mercy, Cucumber-bro, have mercy!”
*
Seeking the help of that hack author proved to be a fruitless endeavour. Shen Qingqiu walked habitually back to his peak, deep in thought, when he stumbled upon his salvation. Ahead of him were the disciples of Xian Shu Peak, and amidst them, Qi Qingqi. They were in one of the public pathways preceding the rainbow bridges, not governed by any peak and shaded by trees, with stone benches placed throughout. On the side lay a magnificent forest, great for meditation and artistic pursuits, no doubt the destination of Qi Qingqi and her disciples.
Women! Pregnancy! How did he not think of asking them for advice before wasting his time?!
“Hah, look at who deigned to show his face.” Qi Qingqi said in lieu of a simple hello.
“Qi-Shimi.” Shen Qingqiu nodded and neared her. “It’s good to see you.”
“Hm. I see that you and that ingrate disciple of yours didn’t run off to the demon realm yet. Has the weather there been disagreeing with our delicate Shen Qingqiu lately?”
“Can’t a man miss his home?” Shen Qingqiu waved his fan leisurely and gazed at the overhead yellowing leaves, pretending not to hear the woman's incredulous huff.
“Hah! Of course you would call it that since your husband is here, you sappy man.” To this day, Qi Qingqi couldn’t move on from the fact that their marriage was, as she stated it, a disgraceful elopement. Moreover, that it happened here, in this very mountain, under her nose, incensed her further. And even after he relented and allowed his martial siblings to conduct a wedding befitting a Peak Lord as they wished, she still held a grudge. Although that hadn’t stopped her from pouring all her time into arranging it and battling Luo Binghe every step of the way to make that wedding an unforgettable event.
And she dared call him sappy!
“So? Out with it, what do you want?” Qi Qingqi asked.
“Shimi wounds me. Must I harbour ulterior motives to talk to you?” Saying that, he waved a hand and formed a silencing barrier around them, denying the eavesdropping gaggle entertainment.
“No ulterior motives he said.” Qi Qingqi snorted, but her brows creased. “What is it? Did what I gave you last time not work? Should I scold that beast?! Throwing that tantrum years ago only to disrespect–”
“No no! Nothing of the sort! The, ah, oil you shared with me works well…many thanks, Shimi.” Shen Qingqiu coughed; they would not talk about that. “I need your advice for another matter.” At her encouraging nod, he steeled his nerves and said, in the straightest voice he could muster, “That is, how could one check for a pregnancy without checking the meridians? What are the usual signs one should look for, besides more fits of crying and morning sickness?”
Qi Qingqi’s face hopped from one expression to the next; finally, it settled on disbelief. “Shen Qingqiu! You cheated? You?!”
“What.”
“I’ve taken you for a gullible fool, for many things, but not an adulterer!”
Thank god he had the sensible insight to set up this barrier, else the whole mountain would be engulfed in gossipy flames right this instant. Flitting his gaze around the smattering of disciples outside it, he moved a bit to block their Shizun from view, as withholding sound doesn’t prevent the determined from reading their lips.
“It’s not like that, this Shixiong won’t dare,” He hurried to interrupt Qi Qingqi’s tirade. Cheating? Him? On Luo Binghe? He might as well cut his dick off himself. “The one I’m suspecting of pregnancy is, well, Luo Binghe.”
The fury of his shimi melted into acute bewilderment. Shen Qingqiu resisted the urge to curve his lips upwards. Truly, Luo Binghe was lucky to have a Shigu like her; she wouldn’t allow injustice to go unquestioned, no matter who committed it and against whom. That thought, for some inexplicable reason, made his eyes sting for a brief second before that feeling subsided.
“You think that Luo Binghe is pregnant.” She slowly said.
Shen Qingqiu nodded. “We encountered a particular beast almost a month ago.” Mutated bees could be considered as such, no? “And things happened, now I just want to make sure about, ehm, any undocumented side effects of that."
Visibly regulating her emotions back to her default judgmental demeanour, Qi Qingqi took a deep breath and let it out. “You know what? Sure. Why can’t you just check his meridians? Why can’t he?”
Qi Qingqi was not easily intimidated, unlike Shang Qinghua. If she knew of his reasons, he would be mercilessly teased until his bones turned to ashes.
Just then, a powerful presence pierced through the barrier, shattering it. And a hush reigned.
“Shizun!” Luo Binghe looked frazzled and wild-eyed. He grasped his wrist, the one holding the fan, with a soft, quivering touch. And his gaze roved Shen Qingqiu’s face, before he swivelled towards Qi Qingqi, the hold of his hand unbroken and zuiyin glowing. “Did she say something to you? Did she harm you?!”
“Binghe!”
Qi Qingqi met his smouldering eyes with a sneer of her own, though her words were directed at the sputtering Shen Qingqiu. “What is the meaning of this?! Shen Qingqiu, you call this frothing demon pregnant?!”
The hush rose to an uproar before quietening down to near silence. Shen Qingqiu, dismayed, noticed the sudden increase in their audience. His own disciples joined the crowd from who knew where, with a few colourful robes from different peaks, too.
Fuck it. Taking advantage of Luo Binghe’s distraction, with his free hand, Shen Qingqiu swiftly grabbed his husband’s wrist and sent a rush of qi through his body. In exchange, a river of demonic qi swept into his own meridians in a practised, unconscious dance.
Luo Binghe flinched and attempted to pull away from him, but Shen Qingqiu held firm. “Shizun! No, no no, my demonic qi might harm the baby!”
That dismayed exclamation coincided with the moment Shen Qingqiu found the answer to the question that had haunted him all day. There, obscured by a veil of rolling, swirling darkness and shoots of brightness, was a pulsing life. So well-hidden, Shen Qingqiu would have missed it had he not been probing specifically for it.
“Binghe…” Shen Qingqiu's heart hammered against the constraints of his chest, and his eyes welled with tears. He was…surprised, above all. He had searched for an explanation, and his brain had given him one, but feeling it firsthand and realising it was actually true was something else entirely.
And, amidst all of the coalescent emotions, he distinguished relief. He would have been disappointed had there been no child, he admitted. He was all but wishing that his lunatic hypothesis was real.
“You… a child…why did you hide this from me?” Shen Qingqiu whispered.
Demon mark dulling, Luo Binghe stared at him in confusion. The rims of his eyes reddened, and tears ran down his cheeks, uncaring that they weren’t alone. “What does Shizun mean that I hid it? Wasn’t it Shizun who hid it from me?” Then, in a flurry of panic, “But I know why! It’s so the vengeful ghosts of our enemies don't harm our child before they grow past the precarious months, this Binghe understands. But Shizun shouldn’t worry, I’ll never allow anyone, or anything, to harm you both.”
“Okay, that’s enough!” Qi Qingqi interrupted, fingers cradling her temple. She looked at Shen Qingqiu. “You are certain he is pregnant?”
Shen Qingqiu nodded, glad that his eyes were obedient, and any itching had long dispersed.
“Wait what, me?” Luo Binghe blinked more tears.
Ignoring him, Qi Qingqi asked, “And you, you’re saying your Shizun is pregnant?”
A nod.
“All right.” She now pressed her fingers to both temples. Atop her lips, a smile was fighting to take root. “Both of you, to Mu Qingfang right now.”
*
In all of his life, Mu Qingfang had never seen a miracle akin to this. A flood of questions wished to run free of his mouth, but he restrained himself, firmly holding onto the cloak of a perfectly normal and understanding healer. Yue Qingyuan was setting nearby, after all, and Mu Qingfang didn’t wish to be subjected to one of his disappointed stares.
The main healing room, which housed a secondary office of his, was crowded with his martial siblings, and outside it, he could feel the qi of hundreds of others. Well, an announcement like this was sure to shake the mountain, and soon, the Jianghu. Male pregnancy was unheard of; men would go the extra mile to transform their gender and internal organs by varying means in the faint hope of conception, be it concocting dangerous potions or begging the help of a fairy and similar untrustworthy beings. And even then, that didn’t guarantee pregnancy or their survival. Many died pursuing foolish dreams.
But now, beholding two hale subjects, that dream ceased to be so. It became a reality. And Mu Qingfang would do everything in his power to be the only one to document this phenomenon, to study all of its triggers (he didn’t believe that the Baby-Maker Bee was the only cause for this, if not for Luo Binghe’s presence, he would have already drawn blood samples.), make that knowledge public once he ascertained that men who weren’t married to one of the two existing heavenly demons, could withstand the pregnancy – and to ensure the survival of his little nephew and niece.
Before that, he needed an urgent answer to a buzzing question that had been bothering him. Mu Qingfang coughed lightly and was pleased to have the attention of all the room’s nosy occupants.
“Shen-shixiong, Shizi, I noticed a peculiarity while examining your bodies.” He lifted a quelling hand when gasps and jumbled words resounded. “All is well, your children, as I said, are in good health. And I will keep a close eye on them throughout your pregnancy. Other than the wombs that concealed the qi of the child from their parent, this Mu Qingfang could feel a link between you.”
That earned him a flustered look and a panicked one. Hmm.
“Shizi,” he said and waited until the darting gaze of Luo Binghe met him. “Please be honest, are you, somehow, taking on the pregnancy symptoms of your Shizun?”
“What?!” Shen Qingqiu screeched. “Binghe?”
Luo Binghe lowered his head. “Shizun, I… this Binghe doesn’t want you to feel any discomfort while carrying his child.”
“No.” Shen Qingqiu pursed his lips. This was the first time since that memorable qi deviation that Mu Qingfang glimpsed such a severe expression on him. “Whatever you are doing, cease it at once.”
“But Shizun…!”
Done with his part, Mu Qingfang left the rest in the hands of his Shixiong and gingerly wove through the throng to his desk. Discreetly, he fished out a small, inconspicuous scroll from his sleeve and began writing, keeping a keen ear to the conversation going on between the married couple.
Observations about heavenly demons.
Case two, Luo Binghe.
Half human, half heavenly demon.
.
.
.
Newly discovered traits:
One. Ailments-curing cock.
A subject, who was poisoned with the legendary ‘no-cure’, was cured after one session of intercourse.
Two. Blood mites?
Note: Get the subject alone and ply him with wine again.
Note two: After his pregnancy is done, wait for eight months.
Three. A secret demonic(?) technique to transfer one’s pregnancy symptoms to another.
Mu Qingfang wetted his lips and traced that sentence with his eyes. This sounds like heaven. Just imagining all the experiments he could conduct if he got his hands on such a technique made his brain tingle. Could he alter it to transfer any pain to another? What about inanimate objects? The possibilities!