Archive of Our Own

Some things in the world were exceptional, all these wonderful feats that something can make from seemingly nothing. How tornadoes form, tsunamis, earthquakes. All things that can happen for seemingly no reason if you don't know the true reasoning behind their cause. But the one seemingly unexplainable occurrence that brings the most fascination to Qifrey was black holes.

How the sudden implosion of matter can cause such a devastating effect. He felt a sort of kinship with them. These brutal instruments of natural destruction that destroy all that even comes close with it; Light, sound, life. None of it was spared by the greedy pull of the black hole. Qifrey remembers being sat on the soft plush carpet of his new home with that book of space sat next to him, his knees drawn to his chest as he read the page over and over again.

It was clearly made for someone more academically inclined than he was at the time. Long flowery words he didn't quite fully understand at the time but he got the general idea behind it. And in that moment he felt like one too. An individual who took and took and took, not because he wanted to but because that is what he was made to do. Ever since his accident he had been a black hole of resources and time. All that medical equipment and all that patience just to end up sulking like a broken kicked puppy.

That first ever day as the foster son to Beldaruit was one of the very few things Qifrey vividly remembers from his childhood. How out of place he felt amongst the lavish curtains and intricate tables and chairs. The comfort he had received from Beldaruit weighed barely anything at that time, in the eye of that freshly discharged little boy Beldaruit was simply something he could use. The almost heaven sent bed that was supposedly his was just a respite from the uncomfortable bite of the hospital ones.

Back then Qifrey had grand plans to run away, figure out who he was before all that mess and find who did this to him. He didn't want to be trapped in the home of someone that he did not know past his name.

It was that exact plan of his that allowed him to meet who would become Qifrey's greatest friend; Olruggio.

The same man who currently sits amongst those four girls he cares so deeply for. Olruggio's tone is gruff as he shoos away one of the girls who had got too close into his space, but to both him and them they know that deep down there's a smile in his gruffness. There is always a smile within everything he does. Ever since they were children, ever since Olruggio pulled him out of those dark black holes Qifrey often found himself in. A smile was something that always beamed from his face even when he himself couldn't return it.

Even the way he sits now, legs crossed and arms moving in mock frustration aimed towards the girls, all of which found it humorous in their own ways. It was a perfect mirror of when they were children. Qifrey off to the side, Olruggio sat exactly like he was and Alaira was his audience instead. Listening to the black haired males seemingly mindless frustration at whatever it was that sat upon the paper between them.

Reminiscing truly was a bitter sweet thing. Where he stood, eye vacant as his mind wandered to all these things from his past, made him so blind and unaware of what was in front of him right at that moment. All these things he tries so hard not to linger on and yet he does. Only snapped out of it when a hand nudged his shoulder.

Qifrey's eye snapped up from where it came to rest blankly gazing at the floor, his own panicked eye coming to meet worried ocean blue ones. Olruggio…

"Alright?"

It's a simple question that doesn't draw much attention but to the two of them they know the true weight of the question. After knowing a man for as long as you have you do end up picking up your own form of communication with each other.

Qifrey's reply didn't come immediately, his throat a little bit too tight to push his voice from but eventually he does manage it.

"I'm alright," His voice comes out stable despite the tightness around his throat and is accompanied with that 'Qifrey typical smile' as everyone describes it. "Just tired."

That phrase alone seems to spark a fire beneath Olruggio, eyes widening just marginally before checking the time on his watch. Whatever time it read had the man cursing. Later than Qifrey had assumed if the way his friend scrambled to grab his coat was any indication.

"So sorry Qifrey, girls, i didn't realise how late it got and i should really be heading back. Thank you so much again for dinner, it was spectacular as usual."

He was barely even able to scramble out his own farewell before the door was closed. The shadow of Olruggio disappearing from what Qifrey could see of his front door. It stung just a little bit for a reason Qifrey couldn't quite place. It wasn't like it was the last time he would ever see Olruggio so what did it matter? Why, in that moment of watching him rush out and disappear, did it feel like the ceiling above him cracked just a little bit?

It wasn't a feeling Qifrey let himself dwell on long, instead snapping himself out of his stupor to usher the girls to bed despite their complaints and flowery pleas to stay up just a little bit longer. All of which were dismissed with him reminding them that a good night sleep was very important for their young minds, something that seemed to have slipped their minds in the excitement of the evening.

Once all were tucked within their beds, a goodnight shared amongst them all, did Qifrey allow himself to linger on the feeling that plagued his chest ever since. This hollow sort of ache that settled just beneath his ribs. It didn't feel overly large. If he was to describe it, it would be no larger than a lentil. Such a trivial sized item to explain such a feeling but Qifrey was well aware how much such a small feeling can cause such horrible events.

He isn't sure how long he ends up standing there in the centre of the living room but after a while he gives himself a pat on the cheek, shaking his head free of the plaguing thought. Shaking that lentil sized feeling out into the fibres of the carpet to be forgotten while he too retires for the night.

•·················•·················•

Qifrey didn't end up seeing Olruggio again for another week. Apparently the past few clients Olruggio had been given had been, as he described, 'Major pains in my ass'. When he had received that message it had pulled an amused laugh out of Qifrey. There were times where no decorum was at all present in some of the things Olruggio did and it was a part of him that he found so terribly charming and familiar.

It was once again one of those things that had followed him ever since they were children. Much like the time Qifrey had crawled into a ditch in the ground in a huff and Olruggio had followed close behind, getting himself caught in some thorns that Qifrey himself had avoided. There was no decorum in him as he fell down, scratching up his arms and cheeks but ultimately landing with a heavy thud and a smile. No grace and decorum but oh so very bright.

That memory once again had that nagging ache blooming between his ribs. Rolling over in bed with his phone clasped between his hands, the rounded corner pressing into his forehead as he sighed. He really needed to figure out what was causing this nagging press on his lungs. Typically he was able to easily identify what caused his aches and pains, it was quite easy when you knew your body well enough. But this was something completely new. It felt evil and suffocating and always followed closely behind his reminiscing.

Perhaps it was his body's way of telling him to stop thinking too much due to how much his mind has been wandering as of late.

Once again it is Olruggio that pulls him from his mind, the telltale chime that Qifrey set purely for him ringing in the quiet air of his bedroom. The brightness of his screen made him cringe due to its brightness as he opened the message.

> @Olly

I know the girls are at school currently

Coffee?

It certainly wasn't normal the way Qifrey's heart jumped a little. It really shouldn't be that much of a surprise that Olruggio knew not only his schedule but the girls as well considering how present he was in both their lives. His thumbs hovered over his keyboard for a second before he responded.

> @Me

Sounds lovely.

> @Olly

I'll be round in ten

That had Qifrey sitting up even if the motion made his head spin. Ten minutes? Well Olruggio was never one to really waste his time so it does check out but he certainly isn't ready enough to go out!

The scramble to get ready was less than dignified. Today had been quite painful so he had to spend half of the ten minutes slipping into his leg braces to help ease the pain and make walking just a little bit easier. Neatened up his hair just a little bit before calling that enough. There was no point fussing over his appearance much when Olruggio has already seen him in so many states. The only thing he takes time to grab is his bag and a spare sweater in case the weather takes a turn.

And by the time Qifrey makes it out the door and locks it behind him Olruggio is already parked up at the curb of the road, looking like he had been waiting there for a while if the clouded silhouette was anything to go off of. As he got closer he could see through the glass easier. Olruggio sat on the driver's side and was clearly taking advantage of the fact he was parked to look at his phone briefly. The glasses he wears to drive had dipped down to rest closer to the tip and it made a scene Qifrey himself could very much get used to.

He spent a moment just.. watching. To appreciate the strong curved slope of Olruggio's nose, the way his lips were slightly pouted as he read whatever was on his screen. Qifrey had all the time in the world to observe Olruggio but the looming threat of the weather forecast did not allow much of it. As much as he didn't wish to he grabbed the handle of the door before popping it open. The phone he was originally staring at was forgotten by Olruggio almost instantly, those deep blue eyes seemed to sparkle as they met Qifrey's own.

"Thank you for picking me up. Ive heard the weather is meant to take a nasty change soon."

The slide into casual conversation was almost as easy as breathing. There was no need for greetings between them anymore as they both saw it as ultimately redundant, they would both rather plunge themselves immediately into free flowing conversation.

The mention of the foreboding threat of the weather had his friend groaning, hands settling on the wheel as if that would save him from it.

"Aye.. Already not looking forward to it. Said to not last long but bouts of rain like that are worse than when they linger,"

Olruggio fiddled with a few buttons, Qifrey idly watching as he does so and suddenly a pleasant warmth blows over the two of them. It had him relaxing into the less than plush back that made up the passenger seat.

"'Sides, not working today and i know your joints get all stiff'n that. Two birds one stone."

Of course he spent time thinking of Qifrey's comfort for something as simple as coffee. It was one of those things that Qifrey found comfort in, the way Olruggio catered to him in a way that didn't baby him. Perhaps it was the fact he himself had his own bodily struggles and understood how it felt to be babied. One of the many things that left them as close as they were. This full bodied understanding of each other that not many other people had. Both had seen the messes and the highs of each other's lives. That irreplaceable sense of home in a person.

Qifrey didn't reply to the kind words because he knew he didn't have to. Especially when Olruggio was such a focused driver who didn't even listen to music as he drove. Not that he minded much. He quite enjoyed how quiet it was in Olruggio's car when it was just them. It let Qifrey rest his head against the window and close his eyes, letting the deep rumble of the car relax and numb his body in the short time they spent driving. It was a momentary peace that ultimately didn't last long.

When it had begun to rain so harshly Qifrey wasn't sure, usually he was so painfully aware of even the lightest misting of rain. He only became aware when he noticed the telltale jolt of the car parking. Both of them stared at the windscreen to watch the brutal downpour, neither could make out anything in front of them with how hard it rattled against the glass. All the windows were shut and yet Qifrey could smell the potent stench of the rain, causing his lungs to tighten beneath his ribcage.

Qifrey hated the rain.

It filled him with unease. Nothing good ever came from the rain.

Olruggio seemed to have sensed the tension from him. His hand coming to rest against his knee, his tan skin a startling contrast against the white of his trousers. No words were exchanged between them for a beat, just the rain and their own breathing. It was just rain. That's all it was, and Olruggio had parked not far from the little cafe they frequented. The pressure on his knee increased as it was squeezed slightly and it pulled a shaky sigh from Qifrey. Not one of discomfort but one of self grounding.

He tugs his bag back onto his lap, fishes through all the things within it before his fingers find what it is and pulls it free. He may not be fond of the rain but that doesn't mean he will let it ruin their outing. With the Umbrella freed from the bottom of his bag Qifrey turns to Olruggio with a smile, albeit a strained one.

"Come on then, Olly. I quite fancy a piping hot cup of tea."

Opening the door proved to be a little bit of a mistake, the fabric of his trousers immediately falling victim to the brutal onslaught of water before he is able to snap the umbrella out and over his head. Luckily he was quick enough to not get too wet as he stood up despite his knees protests. Olruggio is at his side quickly, the short run over to him was anything but graceful. That awkward sprint everyone does when rushing from one place to another. Olruggio huffed a breath from his right side, fingers brushing across the back of Qifrey's hand, before they began walking in near perfect sync.

A grumble from his side had Qifrey huffing a laugh, a rather grumpy 'Blimin rain' ringing out from his right. He was the only person he allowed to stand on that side, knowing full well he would constantly remind him of his presence and go out of his way to adapt when Qifrey ended up diverting slightly. He had a habit of straying to the right when walking to be closer to walls.

The walk to the cafe was short due to them both walking quite fast, Olruggio lagging behind just marginally due to Qifrey's longer legs. And the sigh they both let out when they both step into the almost overwhelming heat of the cafe is almost comically in sync. Shoulders sagging, umbrella shaken off as to not track the rain inside, and Olruggio already off standing in front of the counter. This was their routine.

Qifrey would find them a table while Olruggio ordered their drinks. There was always one table Qifrey tended to gravitate towards, tucked into the far corner away from any windows and the door. The air was perpetually the same temperature which is why Qifrey liked it so much. But it did also allow him a perfect view towards the counter which let him watch his dearest friend from behind.

Olruggio stands leaning on the counter slightly. He has become quite friendly with most of the staff here in the time they've been going so it's not uncommon for him to stand chatting with them for a while. That fact alone was yet another reason Qifrey chose this table. He was able to watch the radiant glow that seems to perpetually pulse off of Olruggio when he talked to people, even if his features were forever laced with exhaustion there was always a glowing smile on his face when talking with others. The same smile he knew graced his face now because he knows how strong of a smile it is.

Only reason he knows despise his back being turned was because of the Barista that stood on the opposite side of the counter. She was young, definitely new working here because Qifrey does not recognise her, no older than maybe twenty-three. There was a high and very strong blush on her face as she nodded along to whatever it was that Olruggio was saying. And the sight alone made Qifrey's stomach churn, that feeling once again finding a place beneath his ribs. Bigger this time. The size of a grape.

It has Qifrey scowling. His once light content expression dropping to something almost cruel as he stared, bore holes into the back of Olruggio's head despite it not being his fault. His hands that were once resting flat on the table instead fist together. Fingers threading together, knuckles biting into each other with how tightly he holds them there. If he had the courage and the reasoning to storm up there and drag his beloved friend to sit back with him he would do so, but he lacks both.

Olruggio was just that, a friend. Nothing more. Nothing less. He shouldn't over complicate it with whatever this nagging feeling in his chest was.

The same nagging feeling that left him momentarily unaware. Only snapping out of it when the tray that housed their drinks was placed on the table in front of him, two steaming cups becoming what he focuses on as Olruggio sits across from him. He doesn't need to look up to know that those eyes he loves are looking at him with worry. With a heavy sigh Qifrey unfurls his hands from each other to grab the steaming cup of tea with both hands.

The heat of the cup is certainly not comfortable but the bite of the heat in his palms is grounding as he does finally look up at his friend. And just as he had expected there was that look of worry. The very slight crease between his eyebrows from where they are furrowed, his eyes questioning but not pushy, and the way he looked at him seemed to make that feeling beneath his ribs quiet down. Qifrey knew he couldn't tell the other man what had got him so worked up. So he does the next best thing that he's good at,

"Don't worry about me, Olly. I just got myself worried thinking about the girls. They would be having lunch at this time and i worry about them getting wet."

It's a perfectly orchestrated lie on the spot. It was in the middle of the girls lunch time at this point and the rain was still yet to die down, still beating heavy and hard against the glass of the cafe they sat in. Yet despite the fact it was near perfect Olruggio didn't seem too convinced for a moment. Eyebrows still slightly knit before he too sighs.

"Aye.. Always worrying 'bout them girls you. Going to worry yourself sick one of these days."

And just like that the foul look on Qifrey's face is forgotten by the two of them. They are slow as they nurse their respective drinks. Something Qifrey lightly pokes fun at Olruggio for when he catches the sickly sweet scent of hazelnut from his latte. A laugh tumbling from behind his raised hand at the look of pure embarrassment that flashes across his face, mouth hidden by the rim of his cup as he mumbles something along the lines of it being nice.

The conversation flows, bright and lifting that weight even more from Qifrey's chest. It truly baffled him how bright a person could be. Watching as the air around Olruggio seemed to glow as he dove into a long winded rant about how one of his most recent clients was nothing but a pain. His hands flew wild to further get across his point. Something about how he had remade the plans for this specific project about five times already despite it, in Olruggio's eyes, being perfect. But of course the customer knows better even in cases like this.

There are days where Qifrey wishes this is how he could spend his entire life. Wrapped up in warm one sided conversation with a steadily cooling drink between his hands. It felt so terribly like home. It truly makes him realise how true that silly saying was, 'Home is where the heart is'. And Qifrey has never felt more at home than by Olruggio's side.

By the time their cups sit empty between them the rain has let up. A steady light drizzle instead of the torrential downpour it was previously. The sun was even beginning to peek through the cracks between the clouds, a fact that had Qifrey looking away from Olruggio for the first time since he sat down. This was one of the few things that he loves about the rain. When the sun begins to seep through the cracks, lighten up the once dull sky and Qifrey thinks how beautiful it was. Both as a weather anomaly but also how apt of a metaphor it was for many things.

When he glances back at Olruggio, who had joined him in looking out the window, he thinks that it's almost unfair how that man mirrors that metaphor.

Such silly ideas. Nonsensical thoughts that Qifrey remembers Beldaruit telling him all those years ago. He was a thirty year old man now, such thoughts were silly. Getting himself into that sort of mindset would only bring hurt, he knows it… But he really can't help himself when he's constantly drowning in that light Olruggio lets off.

Qifrey pushes himself to stand a little harder than he should. Once again his knees and hips protest the movement but he ignores in favour of grabbing his bag when Olruggio stands to join him. Yet another part of their routine. It was almost too easy how easily the two flowed around each other. Like when two rivers merge into one seamlessly, that is how easily their lives, their existences merged into one.

How easy it was for Olruggio to drop him home without asking, How easy their goodbye was and how easy it was for Qifrey to watch him drive off. And as Olruggio's car vanished around the corner that feeling in his chest returned.

It left Qifrey standing in the middle of his living room again, pacing a large circle around the carpet to try and shed that feeling from his ribs again. He had to shed it like he did the first time he felt it. Shed it into the fibres of the carpet and let it die like the last one. Or join it in whatever corner it had fallen into he didn't particularly care.

•·················•·················•

Things continued like this for a while. This nagging feeling between Qifrey's ribs and his lungs growing steadily as time continued. He still had no solid name to explain the sensation all he knows is he hated it. No matter how many times he shed the feeling into his living room carpet it would always return bigger and heavier than before. It had been a few months since that afternoon in the cafe and what was a feeling the size of a grape now felt closer to something similar to a watermelon. It pressed up against his lungs, his ribs, his heart, and left him so terribly breathless most days.

It became harder and harder to shed. The feeling is ever permanent beneath his skin and created a heavy feeling in his living room. Thankfully the girls seemed oblivious to Qifrey's affliction. They continued life as usual. Growing day by day, becoming more and more individual. And while it was something Qifrey was proud to witness it certainly didn't help the feeling.

It left him craving a pause in time. Craving the ability to slow down time, lock the girls and Olruggio into a room where they need not worry about the outside. Where they can simply exist amongst each other's warmth without fear of them running away from him in a way.

The girls would run away from him, grow and become individuals that he cannot quite keep up with. They would soon grow from those girls he helped and become young ladies. They would fly the nest and leave him be.

And Olruggio would settle down eventually. Find a partner and slip between his fingers. Qifrey can imagine him with quite the picture-perfect family. A beautiful wife, a few kids of his own, just perfect. And the thought brought bile to Qifrey's throat. He didn't want Olruggio to have his own family when he already had them. But then again… Did Qifrey ever really deserve a man as wonderful as him by his side?

Qifrey turned over from where he was laying on the sofa, turning to instead look out into the living room instead of scrutinizing the fibres of the blanket slung across the back. His hands tucked beneath his cheek, pressing hard until it became uncomfortable and even then he didn't move them. He couldn't rid himself of that image of Olruggio at the head of the aisle with his hands intertwined with a faceless woman. A smile on his face he wished was only reserved for him. That kind that had Olruggio's eyes scrunching making the crows feet at the edge of his eyes crinkle in that way he loves. That smile that borders on radiant.

His phone weighed heavy from where it was sat vaguely pressed against his stomach. It was late he knew that, throwing his eyes to the clock on the wall he could see it was nearing one thirty in the morning. It wasn't really uncharacteristic for either of them to be up late. Qifrey often awake late fighting the deep rooted pain in his limbs and Olruggio had a sleep schedule no one envied. He would be awake at this time surely…

> @Me

Olly? Would you like to come round?

Qifrey had grabbed his phone before even realising he had, thumbs sliding across the screen with a practiced ease that made him feel sick. It was so easy to reach out to him but so very difficult to tell him how he felt.

Olruggio's reply took a while despite Qifrey noticing that it was read almost immediately. So he was awake. It was almost embarrassing how he waited for that little typing bubble to turn into a text message. Watching it jump, pause and stop, before jumping again. It repeated like that for a while until, finally, a message popped up. Albeit one that clearly wasn't written with a sober mind behind it.

> @Olly

Qif! was just talkin bout you

Would love to come but im out at the momemnt

Drinking, Qifrey can assume. That in of itself is not the problem. He is quite aware of Olruggio's fancy for wines and his tendency to ignore his own limit when drinking. No what was the problem was the fact he had a suspicion that he wasn't alone. Olruggio typically preferred to drink in his own time. Only time he would drink outside of that would be attending parties thrown by some of his richer clients that he couldn't say no to.

And his suspicion is quickly confirmed. That telltale jingle of a message being sent but this time it was a photo, and Qifrey has never felt his heart drop quicker.

Olruggio was in the background of the photo but still looking forward, in the forefront was someone Qifrey knew well. Hieheart.

Both were clearly rather intoxicated if the blush on either of their faces was an indication. Olruggio had a hand slung over Hieheart's shoulder, fingers digging in as if he was struggling to keep himself stood. And there was that smile he loved to see. The one that crinkled the corners of his eyes and had his teeth showing. But whose to say who it was directed at because it wasn't the camera he was looking at, but instead Hieheart.

> @Me

I see. Have a good night then, Olruggio. Make sure you get home safe. I'll talk to you soon.

He didn't wait for a reply. He couldn't. He couldn't look at the photo or whatever it was Olruggio replies with because whatever it was it wouldn't get rid of the lump in his throat. It made it hard to breathe and for the first time in a while Qifrey let himself cry. The silent kind that had you breathing heavy in your hands, shoulders and chest jumping with each silent sob. It was out of hurt, out of longing, out of realisation.

Qifrey loved Olruggio.

And not just the simple sort of love he could shake away like a bit of condensation in one's hair. No this was something deeper. Something far more complex. Qifrey has had many partners in his time and yet none of them felt like this.

Qifrey hated it.

•·················•·················•

Things were a bit different after that night. Not tense, just different. Qifrey put a little wedge between them. Nothing big, it was like slotting a letter between two books but it was just enough. It kept Qifrey from entertaining the thought of confessing to Olruggio even if he knew there was an underlying hurt that laced his friend.

He felt it more and more as the days passed. That stare he felt regularly in the back of his head, as if Olruggio was trying to figure out an impossible puzzle as to why there was now a wedge between them that he couldn't budge. It killed Qifrey to do this but it made it all a little bit easier to deal with that ache he kept on feeling in his chest. It was horribly selfish he knows this. Breaking their closeness like he has just so he can breathe a little easier but it's what is best for them all.

Even his girls were beginning to notice the difference. Whispering amongst themselves when Olruggio came around for dinner like he always did. They could see the wedge even if it was only metaphorical, it shouldn't be all that surprising that they were aware. His girls were beyond perceptive. Smart to a fault that Qifrey certainly couldn't blame them for.

Not even when, after a largely smooth dinner, Qifrey found Coco standing in his bedroom doorway. Qifrey watched her for a moment, watched her wring her hands together like she always did when there was something on her mind. She spoke with her hands, she needn't say anything without her hands giving away what she was feeling. And Qifrey could feel the waves of nerves rolling off her.

He didn't say anything at first. Patted his bed after he perched against the edge of it. Coco hesitated for a second, glancing between Qifrey and the space next to him, before she too perched on the edge of the bed. Her hands in her lap before she leaned against his side, head thumping against the side of his chest. Nothing was said but nothing needed to be, he knew what was getting to her, what had her so emotional. Family was important to Coco he knew that. Before she ended up in his care Coco had a small yet loving family before that was taken from her.

She didn't need to say it out loud to make it clear that despite not being here long that she saw this as her new family. Her new home.

Qifrey raised a hand, fingers gentle as he carded them through her slightly mused hair. Clearly she had been tossing and turning before she came here.

"I'm sorry Coco… I didn't mean to make you worry."

Coco pressed herself further against the side of Qifrey's chest, he can imagine how her cheek is all mushed up against the fabric of his shirt and it has him smiling slightly. He watched as her hand reached out, fingers played with the edge of his shirt. He was patient as he waited for her to reply. He knew that she would get there eventually.

"Did… Did something happen between you and Mister Olruggio? You've been… weird lately. "

As expected, nothing gets past these girls. They were always so observant. Yet, for once, Qifrey didn't know how to respond. While nothing technically happened something did for him. And its not exactly right to rant to an eleven year old girl about how he has feelings for someone he cannot pursue especially when there was no real reason to not other than to stop an ache in his chest.

Qifrey's hand stopped brushing through Coco's hair to instead settle against her shoulder, pulling her even closer into his side.

"No.. Nothing happened. It's just complicated adult stuff you don't need to worry-"

"But we are worried! You've never been like this with him!"

Coco pulls herself away, her hands grappling at her own trousers as she stared at Qifrey. And the look in her eyes made Qifrey bite the inside of his cheek. She wasn't crying but there was a clear sadness in her eyes, tears threatening to spill from the corners of her eyes. It broke Qifrey's heart. He was meant to be her caretaker and yet here he is making her cry over something so silly…

"Oh, Coco… Im sorry. I promise you it's nothing. We are just having a little rough patch that's all. I promise you it's nothing. Things will be back to normal soon."

There was a sniffle from Coco, her own eyes searching in his own for any hint of a lie. Qifrey matched the stare. A small smile slipped onto his face, a comforting one, before she nodded. Pulling his sleeve over his hand he gently wiped her eyes to rid them of any wetness. Tucking her hair behind her ear, Qifrey continued speaking.

"Me and Olly are fine. We will be fine. You will be fine. All of us will. We just have to be patient, we will… I will solve this, okay? "

Coco nodded.

"Alright. Head off to bed now, it's getting late and you have school tomorrow."

Coco lunged forward, taking Qifrey into a hug that had him momentarily winded before she rushed off back to her room. He rubbed where Coco's forehead had crashed into his sternum as he watched the door. Watched as the lights turned off as she returned to her room. As soon as he heard the click of her door Qifrey deflated.

He rubbed his hands over his face, elbows finding purchase on his knees as he hid within his palms. He had truly made a mess of things…

•·················•·················•

It's exactly two days after his talk with Coco when he eventually does something. All four of the girls were off at a sleepover with a school friend leaving Qifrey to his own devices. And how poor of a choice was that because it also meant he was stuck with his thoughts. His poor carpet falling victim to his constant pacing, his hands tucked underneath his armpits as if it would ground him and his bottom lip worried between his teeth to the point it was beginning to hurt. But he couldn't think of a way to solve this. If he was to pour his heart out what then? What if he was to confess that one image alone had soured his heart? Would Olruggio take the confession well?
Would he feel the same? Was his heart already captured by someone else? All the thoughts, all the possibilities twisted in his gut. If there was anything substantial in his stomach he is sure he would have brought it all up with how tight it felt. What does he do…

Qifrey is on what could be the millionth lap of his living room before he stops in the centre, a horrible pit in his stomach as he lets his thoughts drag further and deeper into places he doesn't wish for them to. But they do, and he hates them. He crouches where he's stood so his knees are pressed into his chest, hands keeping his balance on the floor in front of him as his vision swims. The carpet beneath him twists and rolls and he's unsure if it's his imagination or not. The once colourful fibres warped and twisted into something dark and sinister beneath his feet. Even as he shuffled back slightly he couldn't escape it.

He could only just hear the way his breathing picked up in his own ears but he didn't feel it. His entire body felt numb with overwhelm. Fingers pressing even deeper into the ground he knew was beneath him yet he couldn't see nor feel. It was as if the floor had swallowed everything. Light, sound, him.

Perhaps him being swallowed by the endless ink would be merciful. Perhaps he could drown in it, lace his lungs with something vile and thick and protect himself from everything.

Qifrey was barely aware of anything he was doing. It was as if, in this sightless state, his body began moving on its own. Following an internal road he feels deep down but feared too much to trek. He felt like a puppet on a string as he rose from the floor, body moving away from the dark pit he had made for himself on the floor, hands blindly searching for his car keys. It wasn't often Qifrey drove these days yet in that part of him mind pushing him forward the speed was needed.
Needed to get there quickly, needed to be by his side, needed to fix this.

The drive was nothing but a blur. His consciousness back in by the time he pulls into a stop in front of a house he knows so well. His hands are strong on the wheel, white knuckled and nearing painful. Staring out to look at the house as if it would solve all his problems. As if staring at the light of what he knows of the living room will tell him what to say. But there were no answers to be found just staring.

Making sure his car wouldn't roll away he stepped out of the car but left it running. He needed an escape if needs came to it. His steps are unsteady as he walks up the porch, mind once again running rampant with ideas of what greets him when he knocks on the door.

Will Olruggio smile at him? Have his arms open for him? Would they laugh? Call all this just some silly hiccup without having to explain anything? Would… Would he even answer the door?

Qifrey is one step up, one step away from the door, and from where he stands he can hear the quiet buzz of life within the house. There was a light lilt of music drifting from the slightly open window alongside the low rumble of voices talking quietly between each other. He cant make out anything being said just that he knows with unshakeable certainty one of the voices is Olruggio and that worry and sadness lace his words. The other responding in kind with equal parts worry but also warmth. It made him feel sick all over again.

He took a careful step forward making sure to not make the wooden porch creak under his weight.

"I don't know.. I've tried but nothing seems to work. I worry ive done something wrong."

That Olruggio, he knows it is. And his chest twists painfully with how thickened his voice is with emotion as if he's trying not to cry.

"You have to say something.. All this is effecting your work, Olly."

"Don't- Don't call me that."

Qifrey hears this other person sigh. It's not hurt, it's laced with understanding.

"I feel like i am partially to blame for this. You say it was after that night things started feeling different?"

He really couldn't place whose voice it was. It sounded roughly familiar but it was hard to pin as to why.

There's another sigh, this time from Olruggio. He sounded so terribly tired, like he had the weight of the world upon his shoulders. It took everything in Qifrey to not burst through the door so he can bundle his friend up in his arms. Alleviate whatever it was that made him ache so.

"It's not your fault, Hieheart. It's just… I don't know."

Silence lapses between the two people who Qifrey now knows are Olruggio and Hieheart. And that's all Qifrey needs to know. Taking his lip between his teeth again he's careful as he moves down the porch, careful again to not make anything creak beneath his weight before he knows he's on solid ground. He can feel the hot burn of tears in his eye as he makes his way back to the car. Suddenly nothing hurt more than Olruggio, His Olly, was confiding in another. But he supposes it doesn't matter when he is the one that pushed him away.

His anger is at himself for the most part, deafening him to the point he doesn't hear the way Olruggio calls his name as he drives away.

•·················•·················•

The sleep Qifrey gets that night could barely be considered that, sleep. Tossing and turning. Kicking his duvet over himself, kicking it back off, rearranging his pillows in a half awake state. It was horrible. It was as if he was in a state of limbo that he couldn't quite shake. Nothing helped get rid of it. Not him self soothing with the songs Beldaruit used to hum to him, no amount of reading helped calm his racing mind, no amount of repositioning seemed to get him comfortable.

He managed to get roughly three hours sleep if he was being generous with what he considered to be sleep. Three hours of the worst sleep he's had since he was a kid. Three hours of sleep that he would, normally, have crawled into Beldaruit's bed after experiencing to catch up on. But there was not Beldaruit to fall back or not any ideal explanation other than this is all his fault. He caused this. All the upset and pity and self aimed anger.

Of course Olruggio would notice, of course he would have been upset. But he didn't care at the moment. His own selfish desire for comfort to only himself had pushed away the one constant in his life that he wanted to keep constant. What a horribly selfish man he was.

When Qifrey finally decided to give up on the idea of sleeping he could only just see that the clock hands made up seven forty-five in the morning, roughly anyway. It was blurry from where he lays on his side both from his poor vision and the tears that laced them in his own frustration. He truly hated this little reality he had created for himself. Never did he want to hurt Olruggio like he had. The hurt he heard in his voice echoed in his head like a cruel taunting, his brains own version of self torture.

At least he had time to wallow in his own self made pity. The girls aren't meant to return until about midday so he had time to just rot. To take root where he lays until he has to slip into his role of caretaker and forget about the crushing weight on his chest making it difficult to breathe.

Turning onto his back Qifrey criticises the texture of the ceiling that he can't even see. Hopes that if he focuses on the idea of something maybe it could distract him from his own mistakes. The way it was Hieheart that Olruggio confided in instead of him even though he knows logically it makes sense to confide in another. But he wasn't thinking logically. He was thinking with the mind of someone who was hurt, and angry, and so painful in love it feels as if it would sprout from his very being and tie him to the spot he lays.

Maybe if he wasn't so afraid of the possible negative 'what if's they wouldn't have reached this point.

Qifrey is only just about aware of the sound of his phone going off beside his head, the vibration of it against his bedside table is the only real thing that draws him to it. The sound of it was as if someone had dragged a large grain piece of sandpaper over his brain. He had turned off his ringtone specifically so he didn't have to risk hearing the tell tale jingle that accompanied messages from his beloved friend. That, however, proves to have been a mistake when he checks his notifications.

There, on his lock screen, are over fifteen unread messages from Olruggio. He couldn't see what any of them said without directly opening his fun and thus their private messages. It was a risky thing to do because he knows that Olruggio will know he has read them and that makes it much harder to ignore. So he does it. He opens them because there is this incessant tug on his ribs telling him to open them and see exactly what it is Olruggio had messaged him about.

They started from last night. It must have been sent not long after he had left… He hadn't even realised Olruggio knew he was there but the message asking 'You were at my house, Is everything okay? Why did you leave?' Made his chest ache so horribly he thought for a moment he may forget how to breathe. That despite how cruel Qifrey had been to him he still has kindness in his heart to worry about him before anything else.

As the messages continue they get more and more worried. Sporadic over a few hours but no less worried before he bids Qifrey a goodnight.

The most recent one is from the only notification he heard, the one just now. And this is the message that stung him the most.

> @Olly

Morning Qifrey. I honestly don't expect you to see this anytime soon but when you do i think we should talk. As much as I'd love to pour myself out to you over text that's not really my style. All i know is something is up with you and I'm at least 90% sure i have something to do with it, so when you are ready come talk to me. Preferably in person. I don't want to lose us.

That last sentence does something evil and cruel to Qifrey's heart. A full body ache that burns like paper from his heart, filling his entire body with smoke that made him want to curl in on himself and choke on it. His own attempts at self preservation had hurt Olruggio more than he ever wanted. He didn't even want that to begin with but he was so blinded by protecting his own heart he had broken Olruggio's in the process. What did he ever do to deserve such a warm person, someone so kind and genuine when all he does is ruin everything around him.

It made him think back on that book about space. About the Black holes and how he felt like one all those years back. But he never really stopped being one. Ever since all those days back in the Hospital his being adapted to being a black hole, a consumer, someone so utterly selfish he only took down what he loved in the process.

It's a thought that has his clutching his phone in his hand, fingers white knuckled against it as he clenches his eye shut so hard he even clenches his teeth in the process.

And then his phone vibrates again. Light up again. Is unlocked again.

And Qifrey's breath catches in his throat and blocks it.

> @Olly

Please Qifrey.

I love you.

At that moment everything shatters. His resolve, his hatred, his heart. He read those three words once, twice, thrice. Each time going back as if suddenly the words would disappear as if they were never said. And Qifrey didn't need to be in front of Olruggio to know that the words were earnest and laced with a sickeningly sweet kind of sincerity that he knows he has heard before.

Qifrey swings his legs off the bed, foregoes trying to find wherever his shoes from yesterday had ended up to instead step into his slippers. Stumbling in his rush to find a jumper to pull on over his nightclothes because suddenly there wasn't a need for patience or being put together. He had to get himself over to Olruggio as quickly as he could. He knows he's seen it, seen the confirmation that Qifrey read his message, and he wasn't about to leave him waiting. Long anyway.

Much like last night the drive up to Olruggio's was a blur. Qifrey's breathe remained in a perpetual state of being trapped high within his chest, a trapped breathe of anticipation. But anticipation for what? He isn't sure. He wasn't sure of anything. Not sure what he was doing as he rolled to a stop in front of Olruggio's house. Nor what he was doing when he forced the car into park far harder than he ever needed to.

And as he's getting out of the car he feels a strange rush of deja vu, felt like the day when they shared a hot drink in the cafe and when he climbed out of the car. Suddenly remembering the way that Barista stared at his Olly.

Something vile wrapped around his throat. Something possessive as he imagines Hieheart in the Barista's place. How he wishes to catch Olruggio's face in hands and kiss him before them both to let them know he's off the market. It takes a shake of the head for Qifrey to remember that no, not yet he wasn't. His eyes snap up the door of Olruggio's home and it's already open. The owner was standing in the door already waiting for him.

He looked divine in the morning air. Hair mused by sleep that he can just about make out from the distance between them, the cardigan Qifrey had gifted him pulled across his body to keep away the cold bite of early morning, and nothing on his feet. He looked like the most radiant star Qifrey had ever seen,

It wasn't often that Qifrey ran and yet in that moment it's all he could think to do. Run up the path, the three steps, the small porch.

"Qifrey..?"

"Shut up."

It's not graceful as Qifrey takes Olruggio's face into his hands, finger tips digging into his cheeks to bring his face closer and higher as he in turn surges down to meet half way. Barely giving time for a shocked expression to cross his dearest friends face before their lips connect in what could only be described as a smash of the face. Their noses clip together, lips lopsided and barely connected before they seem to mould into each other.

And oh how it's everything Qifrey has ever imagined. The rough brush of Olruggio's un-groomed beard against his chin, his lips cracked and chapped but so heavenly against his own. He really wishes he could stay that way forever but it's Olruggio that pulls them away.

Qifrey's wrists are taken into his hands to pull them away from his face, the same face which Qifrey can now see is burning with the deepest blush he has ever seen. Lips drawn into a silly lopsided giddy yet confused smile. Watches as that smile is put on pause as Olruggio's mouth opens to say something, Qifrey silences it with the most chaste of kisses he can manage despite how much he wishes to ravage the man before him.

Pulling back just enough to press their foreheads together, Qifrey gives Olruggio four breathless words,

"I love you too."