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Dean wasn't doing well, he had been like that for months now,
Cas' was gone.
Completely gone, not M.I.A, not being revived and returning soon, gone. Dead and burned.
And he wasn't coming back, no sign of him these past months and because of that, because of those dying moments, Dean was trapped.
Those three little words had danced their ways and salted his bones in a way he never wanted, causing a coldness that made him feel like a freezer hidden corpse, trapped forever and never to be seen again except by the one who put him there.
"I love you."
The tips of his fingers tapped around the skin on his forearm, his eyes staying glued to each movement as if he was watching a ball be passed from person to person.
He felt dead.
He wanted to be dead, at least if he was he could be with him, be with a name he has found himself unable to say since that fateful day.
Castiel.
His cas…
The one that could have been his entire world and was now dust in his past.
In a way they were both trapped, Dean in his own body and Cas in the empty void that called him. But there was no escape for either of them, not like the many difficult escapes they had brushed against in the past.
Everything was broken.
Dean turned back onto his back, laying straight as his eyes moved to the ceiling where for a moment,he feltat peace, a relief that barely lasted before his eyes created the outline of his angel once more and forced his vision to become focused once more on his own fingers.
Empty beer bottles littered the floor of his bedroom, festering on the ground and clicking together in the short moments Dean has enough energy to get up that day.
Sam doesn't knock on his door anymore, he knows it's pointless. He occasionally leaves food outside the door but he knows that by the next morning, it's more likely to still be there rather than gone.
It was a stalemate way of living, and that could never change.
Dean wanted to give up, just lay there and let himself go, no longer keeping his earthly body and escaping the pain that had tightened itself around his heart, crushing him internally.
But he couldn't.
As much as he wanted to, he just couldn't.
That was something he had lost many years ago, far before he lost Cas.
It hurt even to remember.
Dean's eyes glossed over as he finally looked away from his fingers and picked himself up. The pain in his bones ached and his body tried to drag him back under but he stopped himself. He dragged himself towards the door, slowly opening it with the little amount of strength he had and mustered up whatever hope he still had to step over the threshold and leave.
Ignoring the piece of pie that sat cold and inedible, Dean took his first step outside his own room in months, his foot touching the hard cold flooring of the bunker's hallways.
He breathed in deeply, took one last step, and collapsed to the floor, crashing loudly onto the ground as his breathing hitched and his sobbing grew louder.
Sam must have been right around the corner as he came rushing towards his older brother, wrapping his arms around Dean and bringing him back up onto his feet as he moved the two of them towards the kitchen, taking it slow as choked noises kept escaping from his brother's lips.
By the time they reached the kitchen, Sam guiding Dean to a chair, the sobs had stopped, Silence filled the void instead.
Sam brewed a pot of coffee as he offered a sandwich to his brother, placing it in front of him as Dean continued to stare straight ahead, blind to that around him.
"Dean?"
"Huh?"
He looked up, seeing Sam offering a mug of coffee as he nodded, watching as Sam placed it down in front of him as well. Dean stared into the darkness of the coffee, his features swirling away into its small whirlpool before he said the first word he had said to his brother in months.
"Thanks."
Sam nodded, taking a seat opposite Dean as the two of them continued to sit together, quiet but not peaceful.
"-Loved me" Dean mumbled as he let his lips catch the coffee mug as he weakly brought it up to his mouth. Sam looked at him, a look of pity behind his eyes.
"What was that?" He asked and Dean placed the coffee back down, his hands shaking ever so slightly as he did so, He couldn't look Sam in the eye, not right now.
"He said he loved me."
Dean didn't have to say who he was talking about, they both already knew.
"Oh, Dean." Sam softly let out, the pity growing in his eyes.
Dean let out a bitter laugh, almost as bitter as the coffee taste that danced around his tongue.
"Loving me killed him."
Sam shook his head.
"Don't say that."
Dean's head finally snapped up to look at his brother.
"Why not? It's true. If he hadn't chosen me, ever known me, he would still be-" He couldn't finish his words, his shoulders beginning to shake as he let his sentence stop unfinished. His fingers found his forehead. "My head is killing me."
Sam slowly stood up, patting his brother on the back.
"I'll go get some painkillers from the bathroom, okay? Wait here." Dean nodded, barely listening as he heard the sound of his brother's footsteps grow quieter as he held his vision back up to the ceiling and clasped his hands together.
And he prayed.
A prayer that would never be heard, nor be answered.
Never.