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“What about you, Dr. Grace?”
I falter, because…I don’t know. I mean, okay, I do know. But I’m twenty-nine, and explaining asexuality to someone who is…not twenty-nine and also probably doesn’t care is a little…scary. But I’m not a liar. Not at all. So, “I’m, uhm, straight.” Good job, Ryland! That is technically true! Not a lie, therefore not a-
“Liar.” Stratt says flatly. I shake my head as if to clear it, “What? No I’m not. I like women.” I say, voice raising in pitch. The tell tale sign of a person lying, because of course my voice would do that right now. Stratt snorts softly, the most emotion I’ve probably ever heard from her, “Sure. Where’s your girlfriend then?” Which is an absurd claim. You don’t have to be in an active relationship with someone to be attracted to a specific sex. “That is an outdated and frankly offensive point of view, Eva.” I say with a soft chuckle. Silence, for a while. I sigh again, leaning heavily on the boat’s railing, looking out at the sea. It already feels colder, the Earth. Which is impossible, I know. But for once, I don’t attribute the sudden change of weather with the Petrova line at all.
===
I think the first time I realized I was asexual was probably around the eighth grade. Which, for the record, is like the worst time to discover things about yourself. Because sure, I’m a millennial, things were a little easier on baby queers, but asexuality was still kind of…new. I mean, not new. But it wasn’t really labeled. You were just a loser. A virgin. Destined to die alone. I was ninety percent sure I was gay, because it was the only word I had. While my friends, the few of them I believed I had, would compare all the girls in the class by body type, shape and size, I just kinda…sat there. Nose in a comic book, usually. And they’d always turn to me and say, “So, Cindy, ‘eh Ry Ry?” And I’d always shrug and say sure, yeah. She’s nice.
I was weirded out by all the developments happening in my classmates. I liked things planned out, one after the other. If a big change was coming, I’d need to know about it before it happened, work it into the tight schedule I had in my head. Even when relaxing I rarely had time to relax. So it was weird, when one day we went from picking kickball teammates to comparing each other by how “hot” we thought the other was.
Of course me, with my oversized glasses and stupid Star Wars T-shirts was usually dead last on everybody’s list. When I told my mom about it, she’d shrug. “There’s no rush, Ry. You just take your time. One day it’ll happen, and you’ll get what everyone is raving about.” One day never came, though.
===
At nineteen I first heard the word asexual. I had been going around gay bars and clubs for a while, associating with gay life as best as possible. I’d had sex twice. Once with a man, once with a woman. The afterward was fine, you know. I didn’t feel particularly violated, or anything. But I didn’t feel any intensive…joy. None of those “fireworks” or anything like the movies. It was just a thing that happened, like, tax day. Or your rent on the fifteenth. Not an ugly part of life, but one that will come around. It’s alright on occasion. Of course, the first time I verbalized these thoughts was to my at-the-time girlfriend, the aforementioned woman whom I’d had sex with. In the middle of a very heated make-out session.
If you were to ask me for any piece of advice about going into the world as an asexual person, I’d say: “Avoid coming out to your partner moments before sex. And please, for the love of God, don’t compare sex to tax day.” My girlfriend of course, was very very confused. “I actually like having sex with you, Ryland.” I tilted my head, “I do too, that’s what I just said.” Which prompted her to shake her head. “No. You said it was fine. What did I do?” And then she started crying, which was the last thing I wanted. Because I did really like her! I liked hanging out with her, and liked our date nights and the cuddling and the hand holding. I just…tolerated the sex. I tried to explain this to her. And of course, we never spoke again after she left my apartment.
After this disastrous break up, she texted me a link to a wikipedia article about asexuality. Things just kind of clicked after that. I went through my sexuality journey very scientifically. I read books, watched documentaries, and thought about myself long and hard. Yes, you can be romantically attracted to somebody and not want to have sex with them. Yes, you can experience no sexual attraction without full-blown sexual repulsion. All of these things were very useful for me to learn.
But I don’t ever really…talk about it. Do I wanna be in love someday, without the need for sex? Of course. I don’t really…ever think that will happen, unfortunately. Not this lifetime. So I dealt. I wrote papers, I got fired from jobs, I started teaching. I fell in love with my work, with my students, with my classroom. And, truly, it was all I needed in life. Am I a proud asexual? No. I’m not really a proud…anything.
===
“Grace have mate, question?” Rocky asks. I sigh, shaking my head. “Nah. Never had the time for that, pal.” Rocky trills inquisitively, “Why, question?” I bop my head side to side like I do when I’m thinking, would he understand? What do the Eridians even think about sex, sexuality? Is it even…a concept outside of human perception? “I’m asexual, so, like, I never really found someone who was down with that.” I say, turning to look back at the screen portraying a fake earth. “Asexual…how do you do mitosis, question?” Which causes me to laugh, “No, Rocky that’s not…for humans asexual means we don’t ever…feel sexual attraction. I don’t want to reproduce.” Rocky trills in understanding, before settling down. “Watch Rocky sleep, statement.” he says, and I do.
I’ve never felt more understood in my entire life.
===
“So, that’s why I struggled to answer you, that day on the ship.” I finish, staring at the camera. “Eridians have a very interesting way of experiencing and thinking of sexuality, compared to us humans. Eva,” I pause, considering for a moment. “I wish I had the courage to tell you that day, on the ship. I wish I had the courage to do a lot of things. But I didn’t.” I frown, fidgeting with the hem of my sweater. “And while I will never forgive you for putting me on this ship, I do thank you. Because I am…” I was gonna say happier, but… “I am content now. With who I am, and who I’ve been.” I smile softly, “So, yeah. Thank you. End log.”
===
Eva hums softly, “Asexual. Huh. I just thought he was gay.” She says, to nobody in particular. She sniffles, wiping her nose with her sleeve, grateful nobody is around to see her. “Now…why would he think I cared about that?”