Archive of Our Own

Hey, um. I know we don’t usually do…this, but I just—yeah. Call me back when you get the chance. If you want. Bye.

Hey, me again. Forget what I said in the last message, it’s not important. Hope you’re having a nice summer. Bye.

Hi. I know I said to ignore what I said last week, but I’m—um. Yeah. I don’t even know why I’m calling, but can you at least let me know if you’re okay? Thanks. Bye.

Did you block me, asshole? Is that why it keeps going straight to the tone?

Don’t tell me this is because I won the cup this year. You just can’t let me have anything, can you?

Hi, I’m Ilya and I’ll never listen to your voicemail. I fucking know you won’t. You’re so annoying sometimes, you know that? Always starting shit, even with your fucking voicemail message. Who does that? I’m so mad at you. For this, for blocking me, for talking to me in the first place, for Vegas, for—for. God, what am I even saying? This is crazy.

I’m still mad at you, though. I don’t care. Bye.

Hey. Today was a shit day. I don’t know why I’m calling. Hope you’re doing well.

I’m still mad at you.

Bye.

For the record, I don’t regret introducing myself back in Saskatchewan. Or Vegas. I wish it went differently. But I don’t regret it.

Bye.

Hi. I feel like I should start saying “hi, this is Shane,” or something since you’re always introducing yourself. Or your message is, anyway. Is that weird? I don’t know.

It’s so hot in Montreal this time of year. I’m supposed to be back in Ottawa soon. I have, um, this cottage out there. I think you would like it. Yeah. Bye.

Hi, this is Shane. Obviously.

Okay nope, I’m never doing that again.

I went to this event with Hayden today and met Rose Landry—she’s a big movie star, I’m not sure if you know. But yeah. She was super cool. And she knew who I was. It’s still weird to me, being recognized. Do people come up to you in Boston? I bet you love it.

Bye, Rozanov.

You just really love ghosting people, huh? I bet if we didn’t play against each other you would’ve forgotten about me ages ago. Asshole.

Hi. I just, um. Yeah. I don’t know. Bye.

Do you ever feel restless during the offseason? Like, I dream about these few weeks the entire year, but then it happens and it’s so much better in my head. Maybe that’s crazy. I bet you’re great at relaxing.

Hey. I almost called you “Ilya” instead of “Rozanov” in front of my parents today. I didn’t realize I’d started thinking of you with your first name, but I guess that’s what happens when I hear you say it all the time.

Do you ever think of me as “Shane”? Probably not, huh. I can’t even imagine what that would sound like.

Bye.

Is the heat unbearable in Moscow right now? I guess you always go back home during your break so you don’t really spend much time in Boston when it’s gross. Not that I’ve ever spent a summer in Boston or anything.

I don’t like it, personally. The break is nice, sure, but god—I hate this weather. We’re already sweating all the time when we play games, but at least we have the ice. Here it’s humid and muggy and nasty. If I could have one thing I’d want cooler summers.

I have central air though. The wonders of technology.

Oh shit, my lunch is burning, fuck—

Do you actually never listen to any of your voicemails? That’s so irresponsible. What if someone needs to reach you? What if your coach leaves a message? Your agent? Your doctor?

Unbelievable.

Bye.

I don’t like Tuesdays. They’re my least favorite day of the week. People like to hate on Monday, but that’s the best time to get things done. I’m the most productive on Mondays. You probably like Fridays. Saturdays. I can hear you calling me boring from the other side of the world, Mr. “I’m so much cooler than you”. Bye.

My new stationary bike arrived today, for my home gym. It’s got bluetooth and everything. Makes it easier to track my progress.

I won the bike race that night, for the record. In case that wasn’t clear.

Hey. J.J. roped me into getting ice cream with him today. Don’t laugh, but it was my first time trying mint chocolate chip. I get the hype now—it really is that good. I can’t believe I didn’t know about this before. Well, I mean it doesn’t really fit into my performance diet, so…

I feel like you probably love ice cream. We’ve never eaten together, isn’t that crazy? Nearly a decade and not even a snack. I did have ice cream when I was in Sochi, for the Olympics. Do you remember when I went up to you in the nosebleeds? You were such an asshole that day. You’re an asshole most days.

I never told you this, but I was worried about you. It was—you seemed—I don’t know, sad? But what do I know, right? Almost nothing at all. God, I sound pathetic. Bye, Rozanov.

Just so you know, I’m going to score more goals than you next season. Bye.

Hey, remember when I told you about that movie star, Rose Landry? We got lunch today. She’s in the middle of her press tour for the new X-Squad movie. I thought she would’ve forgotten about me by now, but she was pretty adamant on hanging out. I’m glad though. We have a lot in common. Also, friends with a superhero? 13 year old Shane would be stoked.

Do you ever think about the day we met? I do. It was sheer luck that I’d managed to catch you. My parents were getting ready to leave, but my dad ran into one of his old teammates. I don’t know what possessed me to step out, but there you were, smoking right underneath the no smoking sign. Sometimes it feels like you’re someone I’ve always known.

Hi. My dad wants to visit New York if we have the time. See a musical, or something. We have theatre here too, but I guess it’s better if it’s on Broadway? Do they have things like that in Boston? It’s not that big of a thing here, I think.

Who am I kidding, you probably don’t even like musicals. I don’t know if I do either. Bye.

I hate you and your stupid smirk. I hate the way you talk to me like you always know better, how you say one thing and then do another. I hate how you make me feel. It’s not fair how my entire world can center around you and you can just—just leave when you’ve had enough.

Fuck you, Rozanov.

I signed a sponsorship with Adidas today. Just thought you should know.

Have you ever gotten your moles checked out by a dermatologist? Don’t get me wrong, they’re—great. Nice. But it can’t hurt to check, just in case. You know, if they’re malignant, or something. I had my annual today.

Of course, if they’re benign then don’t, um, don’t get rid of them. But better safe than sorry. Bye.

New York always makes me a little sick. That’s not a Scott Hunter diss, by the way. I don’t know why you don’t like him. He’s a nice guy. There’s just too many people here all in one place. Too much of everything, really. I think it would drive me crazy if I had to live here. Is it weird to say that I kinda love playing at the Garden though? Maybe not as much as the Bell Centre, but there’s something about it. Even though I lost to Hunter here last time. There’s always next year.

…Come to think of it, you don’t like a lot of people, huh. Do you even like me? I feel like I know the answer to that one.

Bye, Rozanov.

Do you actually think The New Yorker is boring? My dad keeps nudging me to read it—expand my worldview, or so he says. He also thinks it’s just cool to read The New Yorker while we’re in New York, but that’s not relevant.

Rose asked me out on a date today. I said yes. We’re going out next week.

Hi. Sorry. I shouldn’t be—I’m not—

Forget it. This was a mistake. Bye.

It went well. The date. We, uh, got dinner. Yeah.

Bye.

She wants to see me again. I think I do too.

Hi.

This isn’t—I’m not—God, I don’t know. But it doesn’t hurt either, right? It doesn’t.

Fuck, what am I doing?

When I was in New York, my dad did end up taking us to a musical. I wasn’t super into it at first—I’d never really gone to these types of things—but it was about these two helper robots who travel through Korea together. They were obsolete, but one could not let go of his owner and the other—she was pretty jaded. Still, they traveled together. One to find his old owner and the other to see the fireflies, one last time. Sentimental, right? Yeah. It wasn’t really about the owner or the fireflies at all, in the end. It was about—I don’t know. Being with someone. What that costs.

Spoiler warning, in case you ever want to see it I guess. But at the end, they decide to wipe their memories before they malfunction. Which makes it a little less sentimental, maybe. Easier.

Yeah.

I tried on the newest CCM skates today. They’re nice. Light. Super narrow ankle pocket. I’m not a fan of the liner, though. It’s some new tech that’s supposed to get tacky when you sweat. Like I get what they’re going for but the texture was just—not comfortable. Don’t think I’ll be switching anytime soon for sure.

Anyway. I know you only wear Bauer, so whatever.

I’m supposed to go to a movie premiere in a few days. My stylist wants me in Prada, but I don’t know. Their suits are always a little itchier. I’ll probably go back to Tom Ford.

Hi.

I thought I’d be used to all the attention, but I guess it’s different at big events. With stars and stuff, you know. I don’t think I really liked it that much. The reporters are bad enough at the post-game conferences sometimes, but the paps? God. I’m—I’m glad Rose was there with me though. She made it bearable. Fun, even, once we got inside. It reminded me of when we presented that award together, do you remember? When you took that stupid selfie. They took pictures at the premiere, too. Obviously. They’re everywhere, apparently. People say we look good together. We do, I guess. We look…right.

Bye, Rozanov.

Do you think we could be friends? Like we’re not, really. But do you think we could be? Would that make things better?

Have you thought about what life would be like after you retire? Someone asked me that the other day. I haven’t even thought about when, never mind what I’d do. No hockey. What do retired people do? Hang out at home? Watch TV? You could party like crazy. I mean you probably do already, but like…crazier.

Anyway. I should probably go. I’m supposed to meet Rose soon. We’re, um, going to this new brunch place. Heard they do a really good chicken caesar. Bye.

Ilya! Hi. I went out for drinks today, with Hayden and J.J. The bar is called Turbo…Turbo something? On Saint-Denis! Their drinks were so good. Probably the most I’ve had in a long, long time. It normally doesn’t taste that good, but it was. Good, I mean.

A girl came up to me and tried to introduce herself. She didn’t do very well. And I have a girlfriend now, so I’m not allowed to do that. But she had this mole on her face and her eyes were so blue, just like yours. I think—I think, if you stood next to her, you guys would look like siblings. Your eyes are prettier, though. Always prettier. I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that either.

Oh, um—the room is spinning a little. I don’t think that’s—normal. Ha.

Can I tell you a secret, before I go? You can’t tell anyone. I guess I’m not really telling you either since you’re busy ignoring me—that makes you an asshole, by the way—but. I think I realized, the other day, that you’re…you’re probably it for me. I shouldn’t say that, because I have Rose, because I’m me and you’re you and you don’t even want me, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

Turbo Haüs! The bar is called Turbo Haüs. You should go, sometime! Wow, the wall is moving really fast now. Good night, Ilya.

Hey, um. If I said anything weird in my last message, please ignore it. If you’ve even been listening. I wasn’t thinking straight. Bye.

Hi.

I think I’m going to change my shoulder pads this season. Yeah. Bye.

I like her. I really do. I really, really like her.

She brought me coffee today. She does most days. Somehow she always just knows when I need an extra shot too. How does she do that? I don’t—I—

She makes me happy.

It’s fucked up that I’m still calling you, isn’t it? I should stop. I really need to fucking stop. Jesus.

Do you know what the worst part is? She’s good. She’s so, so good. She listens, she doesn’t push. Never gives me shit. She’s the most patient and considerate person I’ve ever met. I asked to go to the same restaurant three days in a row and ordered the same thing all three times and she didn’t say a word. Not one. She’s just…she’s perfect.

Hi.

Rose and I broke up. It’s fine. Probably, um, for the best.

Bye.

You should be happy. I hope you’re fucking happy. My parents really liked her, you know? Everyone said we were great together. That we made sense.

I’m remodeling my kitchen. I can’t stand the marble. It’s just too fucking white.

I wish we were normal people. I wish we didn’t have eyes on us all the time. I wish people would stop fucking staring and posting and speculating about every—everything I do. But I also don’t. I don’t want to be “normal” or live a “regular” life. So I guess I really wish I was the way I am and you were a normal person, but that’s selfish, isn’t it? Real fucking selfish.

I know it’s not your fault. I mean, some of it is. But not Rose. Is it terrible if I hope you’re feeling just as shitty as me? You’re not, because you don’t give a fuck. But I wish you were.

Fuck.

Hayden says I shouldn’t spend the rest of my break indoors. Said I should “go out and do things.” What does that even mean? I go out. I do things. I do this. I could do this outside, I guess.

Not that I would—I’m not—

You know what, forget it. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. Not like there’s anything to tell.

The contractor says I’d be ruining the resale value if I get rid of the marble. It’s custom, he says. Italian. I told him I don’t care.

I’m almost tempted to change my own voicemail greeting. “Hi, this is Shane and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” I’d ask you what you think, but you “never listen” to your fucking voicemails.

I looked at the schedule again today. Boston’s still there, in October. Don’t know why I expected anything different. It’s far, I guess? Still a while to go. This summer’s felt like forever.

Hi. I finally made it out. It’s cooler, here. Quieter.

Bye.

Do you train in Moscow, if you’re not in the States yet? You have to, right? I can’t imagine you’d hold off until you’re back in Boston.

They probably work you hard there, huh. National icon and all that.

It’s going to be grey. My kitchen island. Bye.

Hi.

I overslept today for the first time in months. I’ve been tired, I guess. But I feel better today. Lighter.

I’ve always kinda hated my performance diet, you know. Not even because Hayden always gives me shit for it or because I have to be deliberate with where I eat out. But it just—it sucks. It’s not fun. But it’s clean. Neat. And it’s boring, too. That’s me, right? Boring.

I watched some game tape today. From last season. I don’t remember doing this interview, but they asked me about you, and—

It’s…I don’t know how they could not know. It’s scary.

I went stargazing last night, with Hayden and the kids. A place they purchased in Niagara recently—it has a great view. The backyard is just this, like, incredible space—maybe yard isn’t the right word, it’s more like a giant field—and it’s just so lush. So serene. You probably don’t give a shit about that.

But anyway. It’s a lot like watching the bonfire. The stars, I mean. You kinda just…stare at them? And if you look hard enough there’s patterns you can trace. I don’t know why I’m explaining stargazing to you as if you’ve never done it. Maybe you have. Or maybe you haven’t, so this is important context. Is that a thing they do in Russia? You’ll have to let me know. I never really did much of it growing up, even though my parents’ place out on the lake was perfect for it. Never had the time, I guess.

It was fun though. It didn’t seem like it’d be, at first, lying on the ground like that. Jackie brought tons of blankets, thank god. I couldn’t back out since I’d promised the kids, but you know. Ruby would’ve killed me if I changed my mind. You haven’t met her, but the kid’s a force. You’d probably get along. She was the one that proposed it in the first place—heard one of her classmates had spent all night outside, matching the stars to her book of constellations. We were supposed to do the same—Jackie printed out pages of all the different constellations, but I guess one of the twins drew all over it? I don’t know. Ruby was pissed. Seriously, the pipes on that kid. Insane.

But yeah. There we were, lying in the dirt. I kept thinking how you’d make fun of me if you knew. I barely even—the sheets, after we—

It felt peaceful, in the moment. And it…would’ve been nice. If you were there. You and Hayden might’ve ripped each other’s heads off, but it would’ve been nice. I don’t even know why or how you guys both seem to hate each other. He thinks you’re an asshole, which you sorta are, I guess. Sorry. And you’ve just always made fun of him for being…Hayden? He’s not even bad at hockey, you know. He wouldn’t be our alternate if he was. I suppose if you’re comparing him to you and me, then maybe. But we’ve always been different.

I’ve gotta head over to my parents soon, so…talk later? I’m just the funniest person on the planet, aren’t I?

Hi. Sorry. About the last message, I mean. I guess it doesn’t really matter since you’re not there, but still.

Sorry.

My new island. It’s done.

Bye.

Hi. I’m, uh, back in Montreal now. Officially. No more cottage. Summer’s winding down, so…back to business.

Bye.

Hi. I don’t…no, never mind. It’s not important. Bye.

Hey. You’re probably sick of me by now. I don’t even know why I still bother calling—you’re never going to hear these anyway. Or maybe you will, and you’ll think I’m dumb and pathetic. Anyway. Training camp officially started today. I’m not as excited for it this year, which is weird? I feel like I should be. But…yeah. I should probably stop soon. I’ll see you on the ice, I guess? Ha. Bye, Ilya.