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"You kissed me!" Victoria throws her hands up in anger.
"No- I know- I just- I didn't mean-" Cassie starts and stops and fuck why did she have to go and fuck this up.
"You didn't mean it?" The younger woman interrupts, mouth opened a little in hurt and shock. "Jesus Cass, you invited me to dinner, you spent all fucking evening looking at my lips, you were the one who kissed me, and what, you've done it now and decided it's not for you?"
"No, that's not what I meant!" Cassie pleads, hands clasped together as Victoria continues to storm towards the door.
"I'm not sure what else you could have meant! Nothing like being kissed just to hear 'oh fuck I shouldn't have done that' oh and we can't forget, 'can we just pretend that didn't happen,' really makes a girl feel special." Vic snaps, wrestling into her heavy winter coat with a little less grace than she'd like.
"It isn't like that, I just, I panicked!" Cassie tries again, wincing as the words leave her mouth.
"Well, maybe next time you decide to kiss someone you should spend a bit more time figuring how you actually fucking feel instead of kissing them first." And Vic swings open the door, making sure to slam it hard behind her.
Makes sure she's well out of sight of the front door of Cassie's apartment, tucked away inside the elevator that creaks and groans its way downwards, and only then does she dig the heels of hands into her eyes and try to breathe.
She's so fucking angry, not even just at Cassie, but at herself, for letting get her own hopes up, for feeling too much for the older woman in the first place, now she's frustrated and hurt and embarassed and she still has to wake up tomorrow morning and work with Cassie too.
She removes her hands as the doors shudder open, god she hates this elevator, hates the building if she's honest. Cassie's apartment itself is lovely, homely, clearly work has been put in to make it that way, but the building itself is in dire need of some renovations.
She's still running on a potent mix of anger and humiliation as she stomps tomwards the doors, only draws up short when her hand is resting on the handle, staring down a little dumbly at the white wall that is level with her waist on the other side.
The fucking snow storm.
She'd completely forgotten, it had been the talk of the hospital of course it had, but the moment Cassie had asked her, shyly, part way through their shift if she wanted to come over for dinner, just the two of them, Victoria had forgotten all about the weather forecast.
She was more worried that the clothes she had to change into post-shift weren't exactly her best, but then Cassie had slunk out next to her in some ratty faded jeans as the pair navigated the already snowy parking lot, and Victoria was too caught up in the growning nerves to care.
And now she was paying for it.
Even if there was some way she could get through the drift pushed up against the door, the road outside was a blanket of white already, most cars illuminated on the street were steadily being lost under the powder too.
Her forehead met the cold glass pane of the door with an audible thunk. The storm was supposed to last overnight, but she'd be damned if she went back upstairs and knocked on Cassie's door after that exit.
"Great job Vic, real smart thinking." She mumbles to herself, lifting her head from the glass. With a sigh she shrugs off her coat and drops it at the base of the wall facing the door. It surely wouldn’t turn out comfy in the long run but what choice did she have right now?
Was she really as naïve as everyone always thought she was? Was she stupid to think Cassie could have had a genuine interest in her? She still can't stop replaying the way Cassie's hand had cradled her cheek, lips barely brushing once before pressing her lips to Victoria's firmly.
And Vic, for the first time ever had felt her heart sing, had all but melted into the kiss. A kiss that was chaste and barely lasted a handful of seconds, but far surpassed any of the previous ones she had experienced.
(A fumbling awkward one with a boy on her 21st in the club Trinity had dragged her into. Another a couple of weeks later with a girl she met on a dating app, a peck, barely there thing.
And then some more...substatial experience with Emma Nolan. Vic completely inexperienced, and Emma with no experience of women, had fallen into some sort of agreement of experimentation. Until Emma had broken it off, had refused to tell Vic why other than she was seeing someone now. And she was happy for the nurse, obviously, but it just meant her attention wandered back towards Cassie.
Cassie who she was sure would never reciprocate anything she felt for her. Until tonight.)
She has barely managed to find a way to sit that doesn't feel like the lumpy carpet that lined the entrance way wasn't digging into her when she hears the obnoxiously loud whir of the elevator from just round the corner, the whine of the doors opening and then hurried footsteps that rush straight past her and much like she did, stop dead in their tracks at the sight of the snow outside.
"What are you doing?" Vic asks, watching as Cassie startles with a jump, spinning on her feel to look at Vic on the floor and then visibly deflating with relief.
"Looking for you. I forgot about the storm, I didn't want you to drive home in it." Cassie looks like she's been crying, eyes still watery.
"Well I'm cleary not driving anywhere." Vic points out. "So you can go and I'll wait it out down here."
And Cassie looks sad and it makes Victoria's heart hurt even though she hot anger is still flashing through her veins. "C'mon Vic, you can crash on my sofa, I won't bother you, you won't even see me."
"No thanks, I'm fine here." Tries her best to look away from those blue eyes, past her to wear thick flurries of snow continue to fall.
And because Victoria Javadi's life today has turned into some cosmic joke, just as she finishes speaking the lights around them flicker, flicker, flicker and then die. The only light remaining is the tiny emergency exit light above Cassie's head denoting the door as an emergency exit, presumably when it's not covered by an ever growing drift of snow.
Vic doesn't bother looking up at Cassie, she wouldn't be able to see the expression on her face anyway, but if she looks up and can make out a barely there look of and now what are you going to do? she'll walk out into the snow storm right now.
Instead, she picks at a loose thread on her sweater sleeve, determined that if she just ignores Cassie she'll eventually tire and go away. It's oh so childish, but she doesn't know what else to do. Has already been split open right down the middle once tonight, nerves still on full display for everyone to see.
There's an aborted sort of noise above her, a cut off word, followed by a deep breath and then.
"I was wrong, upstairs, to say those things, I was panicking." Cassie says quietly, and Vic scoffs because if this leading to an apology it's not impressing her so far. "I just meant that I was panicking not because I kissed you but that..." And Vic chances a glance up at the silence, can make out just enough of Cassie's silhouette in the very dim light to see she her head thrown back to look at the flaking ceiling, "I was panicking because it felt right."
And Vic is staring at her properly now, willing her eyes to be able to focus on some detail of Cassie’s expression, desperate to know if she’s being truthful.
“And I panicked!” Cassie’s voice rises in pitch, head dropping back down to stare at Vic or towards her at least. She’s not sure if Cassie can actually see her bundled up on the floor like she is. “Because you’re amazing and beautiful, funny, wickedly smart. I’ve been trying to ignore it for so long, needed to convince myself it was all in my head because I am double your age! I am a mother with an ex-husband who seems to live his life just to piss me off, who is dating a significantly younger woman as well, and that drives me fucking insane because they’re both so irritating!”
Vic watches her pace, short sharp steps across the carpet.
“And I didn’t want to be selfish, or maybe I did, but I wouldn’t let myself, but then Dana was talking about taking risks and how it paid off for her and she kept telling me to ‘stop pining and fuckin do something’ so I did and then I panicked and I’ve fucked everything up, and I’m so sorry Vadi.”
All the nerves that have been exposed, that were sparking with anger, are now just raw and aching. Victoria knows what it’s like to be scared of wanting, knows how terrifying it’s been to want Cassie for so long.
And whilst she’s not thrilled with the comparison between them and Chad and Chloe, she doesn’t think that’s quite what Cassie was trying to get across, not like that at least.
She feels so rung out over the space of barely half an hour. And she’s cold sat on the grim floor and it’s dark and she’s fucking snowed in here with the woman she’s been dreaming about kissing for months.
The woman she’s been dreaming about kissing tries extremely hard to disguise what sounds suspiciously like a sniffle, a hand wiping across her face roughly. Vic realises she’s just been sat here in silence for god knows how long mulling everything over, whilst Cassie stands in front of her, posture slumped like she’s defeated.
So Vic stands, crumpled coat still on the floor, and Cassie’s head hung low, steps towards her, takes a deep breath before bringing both hands to cradle Cassie’s cheeks, lifts it enough that even in the dim emergency light she can make out the wetness in Cassie’s eyes.
“If you mean everything you’ve just said, then kiss me again.” She tells Cassie, grins a little, prays the other woman can’t feel the trembling of her hands against her skin.
And Cassie stares back, really looks at Vic, leans halfway in, seems to check again with the other woman once more, and then she kisses her.
—————
“So how’s it going with you and Cassie?” Emma asks quietly, sidling up beside Vic.
Vic squeaks, looks around to make sure no one heard and then drops her voice to a panicked whisper. “How did you know?!”
“I asked Dana to give Cassie a nudge.” Emma grins. “Oh! Maybe we can go on double dates now!”
And then wanders off to head back to work leaving a speechless Victoria Javadi in her wake.