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Was he always like this? It's something that plagues Jun often these days.
Despite how his stage persona seems the same as it always has, he can't seem to shake it when he's not performing. It's odd, he used to be so unable to keep up that cool guy act. Jun misses that, he misses the childish way he'd boast, the way he messed up words, how he asked if he could hold Juns hand when he was scared. He's so independent now, which makes Jun all the more confused on why he insisted so persistently that they stay together.
People change, sure. Jun would understand if Kaname- well if HiMERU outgrew some fling from high school, that he decided he could do better than Jun. But he sticks around, insists on staying. It makes Jun happy that he cares so much to want to stay, but… he'd prefer if it was the old Kaname that stuck around as well. That's the one Jun loves, not this unfeeling robot that seems to poorly fill the space the old Kaname left.
He'd say that it seems HiMERU is just going through their old motions, but sometimes he seems so unfamiliar with what he knew Kaname considered important that it makes Jun wonder.
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[HiMERU] loves Jun Sazanami. [HiMERU] would bother him to hold 'his' hand, would boast to him about how 'he's' more special and important than Jun Sazanami. [HiMERU] would sleep next to him at night because Jun Sazanami made 'him' feel safe, and because Jun Sazanami insisted because he worried so violently about [HiMERU].
If only that worry did anything at all for Kaname in the long run.
HiMERU wonders often if his act in this relationship would be better if he encouraged Kaname to follow 'his' feelings, instead of focusing on work. It could cause a scandal, it could distract 'him' from practice, and it could cause problems at school. Something he knew Kaname already had enough of. He thought keeping Kaname on the right track was what was most important. It was his job to make sure Kaname succeeds, and fraternizing with a non-special student like that would only cause 'him' problems. Kaname already had enough from 'his' time as one 'himself'.
Wondering does nothing but distract him, it's too late to wonder now. He just has to keep this relationship afloat and happy for Kaname. It's the least he could do for 'him', it's the least he owes 'him'. His big brother didn't support 'his' feelings then, so he would do so now.
It's a hard job, Kaname and Jun Sazanami had many moments together HiMERU would never be privy to, no matter what he does. HiMERU is not naturally adept at romance either; he can make up for this of course, but he will never really understand what everyone sees in it. What Kaname saw in it. What about Jun Sazanami made him so enthralling to share a first kiss with him, to sneak him into 'his' special student dorm to let him rest in a nicer bed, or practice their routines- Kanames routines together.
It's something that will have to elude him, even if at times he thinks he might be coming close. Narukami is nice to spend time with, she's informed about beauty products and skincare routines. She has a wonderful eye for fashion, and an enthusiasm for romance that HiMERU envies. He thinks his time with her is the closest he gets to understanding how he should be able to feel about Jun Sazanami.
…..
Narukami often helps HiMERU get ready for dates. It's nice, HiMERU likes the feeling of her gently applying makeup, and the sound of her enthusiastic chatter. He could get ready perfectly fine on his own, as the perfect idol he has to stay up to date with all the current trends, and he can apply make-up at a practically professional level, but it's simply nice to have an excuse for her company. It helps that she insists upon it whenever she can as well, so he doesn't have to ask her himself. Not that he can't but, he feels like he's betraying this entire act with Jun Sazanami- to admit so readily he prefers someone else to him. [HiMERU] doesn't know Arashi Narukami, [HiMERU] has never met her in 'his' life- even if he thinks that 'he' would adore her.
He's sure Kaname would love a doting "Onee-chan" as Narukami loves to proclaim herself to her juniors. HiMERU would love to introduce them, were it not to cause so many problems. He thinks this is like the feeling so many romance novels allude to, to place her so readily above people who have been trying to see behind his mask so much more insistently. HiMERU wants Kaname to love Crazy:B, he hopes that he'll be okay with working in a unit; he needs to- solo idols can barely survive these days. But if HiMERU knows Kaname as well as he hopes he does, he knows that 'he'll' prefer Narukami's personality to anything Amagi, Shiina, or Oukawa could offer.
He doesn't yet know what he'll do if 'he' doesn't get along with Crazy:B, but-
"HiMERU-chan? Hello? Have I lost you?" Narukami interrupts his train of thought. He's supposed to be getting ready for a night with Jun Sazanami.
"Apologies Narukami, HiMERU was simply contemplating something." He explains. She smiles, and gives him a little hum in response. It's cute.
He smiles back at her and continues "What was it you were asking HiMERU?".
"Oh, I was just wondering what plans you and Jun-chan had for tonight!" She sighs wistfully and her eyes sparkle "It's so lovely that you two make the effort to have a special night so often, I'm envious."
HiMERU supposes it would be lovely, if he really cared about Jun Sazanami that way. He wonders if Kaname bothered him into spending time together often, probably so considering how frequently he'd call HiMERU and try to converse with him. At that he almost frowns, disappointed in himself. He didn't give Kaname much opportunity to know him at all, always hanging up before it could truly go anywhere other than work. Before he can spiral further he answers Narukami with practiced ease "HiMERU does not know the plans for tonight, Jun wanted it to be a surprise."
She clasps her hands together and leans forward with excitement "How wonderful of him! Ahhhh Jun-chan is such a charmer!". Narukami grabs one of his hands in her own; it's soft- of course it is with the meticulous skin care routine they both share, and he finds himself hoping the feeling will linger. "You must tell me all about it once you return!" He nods at her and smiles.
"HiMERU will make sure to then." He gets up; she's finished helping giving a second glance to make sure his makeup looked good, and straightens his jacket. "HiMERU will see you later then Narukami, enjoy your evening." She waves him goodbye.
…..
HiMERU dreads these nights, not for any reason of inability to keep the facade, but it makes him think all too much of what Kaname is missing. What 'he' can't experience, because HiMERU failed 'him'. It should be [HiMERU] holding Jun Sazanamis hand right now, [HiMERU] should be walking beside him on their way to an arcade because it has some special meaning to 'them'. HiMERU has never cared about arcades, or many things teenagers would often do to pass time. Kaname didn't either, but he had someone that made him care about going. HiMERU does not.
"So Tojou, what do you wanna do first?" Jun Sazanami looks at him with a knowing look, like Kaname always wanted to start with the same thing. But HiMERU doesn't know what that would be, he would've never given Kaname the opportunity to inform him of such. He can only make an informed guess.
"HiMERU would like to you to win him something at the claw machine first." He says with a smile, and Jun Sazanami looks pleased.
"Great, I always wanted to get you a collection started! One prize isn't enough for the great Kaname Tojou." Jun Sazanami says with a fond look and a teasing smirk. HiMERU doesn't deign to respond.
They walk over to a row of claw machines with a range of prizes, HiMERU sweeps his gaze over them and chooses the one most fitting for Kaname. One filled with very cutesy things. [HiMERU] is the perfect cool idol, but Jun Sazanami knows Kaname Tojou. And Kaname would like something cutesy he thinks, going off all the doodles he found in his notes.
Jun Sazanami presses his lips together for a moment, looking contemplative before he smooths out his expression. He walks up to the one HiMERU pointed at and turns his head to him. "So what d'ya want Tojou?"
"HiMERU would like…" He scans the prizes visible "… the bunny please, Jun." Kaname doodled rabbits often. So he supposes they were his favorite animal. Though Jun Sazanami might not agree as the statement seems to give him that look on his face again.
"One bunny coming up!" Jun Sazanami says before swiping his points card and grabbing the controls, sticking his tongue out just slightly in concentration. He jerks the control stick around trying to position the claw, and leans around the machine to get a better look. HiMERU decides to get his phone out to take a picture, it's a cute expression and action from Jun Sazanami he thinks. One Kaname might like to see when he's awake.
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Kaname likes taking pictures on their dates a lot these days. He was never adverse to snapping a photo or two, but it was always usually something he'd be sending that "god' of his. He used to just experience the moment as is with Jun. He supposes that he might want to document their time together more, after whatever happened at Reimei that made him take that medical hiatus.
Jun wants to ask what exactly happened sometimes, but he doesn't think he'll like the answer.
He glances over at Kaname before looking back at the machine, he thinks he's got this in the bag and presses the button to lower the claw. It just barely grasps the thing and drops it right next to the hole. Jun throws his head back and groans in frustration. "GODDAMN- augh I totally had it." He turns around to Kaname expectantly.
"HiMERU thinks you'll just have to try again then Jun." Jun raises his eyebrow for a moment before he decides to swipe the card again. Kaname would usually say something stupid about how of course Sazanami wouldn't be able to do it, you should leave it someone more talented like HiMERU. Kaname would come over and give it a try himself, instead of leaving it all to Jun. He jams the control stick over to the right and slams the button, the bunny plush drops in the hole and he bends down to grab it.
"One bunny for one Tojou" He smiles stiltedly at him and hands HiMERU the bunny. "Now it's my turn to choose!" He turns to head towards the actual games at the arcade, and doesn't look back to see if HiMERU follows. Jun doesn't want to see his reaction to that plushie. He doesn't want to admit why. Not while they're supposed to be having a nice night out.
He sighs to himself before deciding on the racing game and heads over, waiting for HiMERU to catch up. Swiping the card and throwing his leg over the fake motorbike before handing it over to HiMERU. He watches HiMERU look over the game before climbing on the bike and swiping the card himself, setting the bunny down in front of the card slot. Neither of them say much of anything while they select their setting and the difficulty. The race goes fine, it's little challenging if anything. HiMERU is a lot better at these than he was last time, Kaname was pretty terrible at it really. Jun would prefer if he still was. He's able to pull out the win between the two of them, but it doesn't sit right.
HiMERU hums and turns to him "Congrats, HiMERU had fun with that." The easy acceptance of the loss makes Jun frown. HiMERU quirks an eyebrow at him "Is something wrong Jun?".
Jun clenches his teeth for a moment before he lets it out "Why'd you want a bunny this time?" he questions.
"What? HiMERU doesn't-"
"Last time you wanted a dog, you said it was like me. All lost and confused 'n some other cute but insulting crap. Wasn't exactly a compliment but you wanted something that made you think of me." Jun furrows his brow "I just- the night we had at that arcade was really special to me, but this doesn't feel the same." HiMERU visibly stalls at that.
"GODDAMN- Sorry I- let's head back to the dorms." Jun gets off the bike and grabs the card and the stupid bunny. HiMERU gets up to follow suit, obviously trying to think of what to say.
…..
Jun shuts the door and stands there tightly gripping the handle. He feels pretty shitty, he couldn't get over some stupid feelings and ruined their date. He thought that first night at the arcade was just as special to HiMERU but he guesses he was wrong. Placed too much importance on some stupid words HiMERU probably forgot about as soon as he said them.
He wanted to try and fix things, HiMERU's seemed so disinterested with him for awhile. He does a pretty shitty job of trying to hide it, if even Jun can notice it outright. Makes him feel pretty goddamn awful. Like he's some stupid pity date that HiMERU couldn't shake. Even if it was him who asked Jun out, in his dumb roudabout way.
"You okay Jun-han?" Kohaku startles him out of his train of thought, looking at him with a frown and a raised eyebrow. Jun lets go of the handle and grips the end of his shirt.
"Not really Sakura-kun." He can't stop thinking about how being with Kaname feels nothing but wrong these days.
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This night did not go how HiMERU thought it would. He can tell his usual impression of HiMERU was not cutting it tonight for Jun Sazanami. It's Kaname he wants, something HiMERU cannot provide. Something HiMERU wants so badly as well. Jun Sazanami doesn't know what he's missing isn't actually here.
He opens the door to his dorm room, shutting it behind him and taking off his shoes. Narukami and Nagumo look back from the couch, wrapped in a blanket with some ridiculous drama on the TV. They both smile at him and beckon him to sit down with them.
Narukami springs the question first "Sooooo HiMERU-chan! How'd it go? Spare no details!" her eyes sparkle at the prospect of new romantic gossip to gain. Nagumo nods along with her excitedly.
"HiMERU thinks-" He stalls and quietly mutters "I do not believe it went very well at all."
HiMERU grips the plushie Jun Sazanami won him tightly. He wishes Kaname were here, if only so he could stop having to play this unsettling act of romance.
Nagumo reaches for the remote to quickly pause whatever ludicrous plot was going on in their show, while Narukami scooted over closer to him to put a hand on his shoulder "Are you okay HiMERU-chan?" she frowns and rubs her hand soothingly against his back. She's not usually so touchy with him outside of sharing new routines with each other, he doesn't let anyone be so with him. But he supposes it's fine tonight.
"HiMERU thinks he messed up the date, Ju- Sazanami did not seem like he enjoyed it much." HiMERU schools his face into something more neutral. "He would like to fix it but…"
Narukami and Nagumo give each other a look. Nagumo is the one who decides to speak up "HiMERU-san, I'm not really as privy to all that you and Sazanami-senpai have going on but-" he takes a pause, like he doesn't want to really say it out loud. Narukami is the one who continues for him.
"You don't really seem all that happy with him."
They're right.