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It had been months since they had been given control over the circus, months since they had lost Jax, and two weeks since them and Gangle had gotten together. They had come to peace with their lives in the circus, choosing to make the most of their new lives. Being able to pick and choose what they wanted to do each day was the best thing, Zooble decided. No more being startled awake with ‘daisy bell’ each morning, no more adventures if they didn’t feel like it, no more annoying purple rabbits breaking a certain someone's mask.
Life in the circus was never all bad, Zooble conceded. There was always one constant in their digital life they could count on to bring a smile to their non-existent mouth. The person who had been on their mind suddenly obscured their vision with a mess of red ribbon jumping onto the red couch next to them. Yes, that was the thing they most loved about the circus.
Gangle.
She was the single most important thing to Zooble. After all, it was her that made living in this hell hole tolerable in the first place. Spending time drawing with her and even the odd adventure Zooble went on was made better with her next to them. And well, after Caine approves the other things they wanted to do with her, life spent with Gangle became significantly more pleasurable.
Like right now.
“Hey Zooble! Mind if I draw here?”
“Of course. You don’t even need to ask, Gangle. You know that”
Gangle didn’t respond to that one, opting to plop down next to them and open her sketchbook.
Sometimes they would talk for hours, sometimes they would sit in silence, simply enjoying the time spent with each other.
Today it seemed they were going with the latter. That was fine with Zooble, it gave them more time to reminisce.
Looking around the open space the lack of any mischievous energy caused one annoyingly large presence in their mind to come to the front of their thoughts.
Jax.
Zooble didn’t know how they felt about him abstracting when it happened, but after careful consideration and a hell of a long time reflecting, Zooble decided they did miss him. As much as Zooble was constantly annoyed at the jackass, they didn’t really want him to abstract. No one deserved that fate. And they had to admit it was much quieter and a bit boring without his constant pranks and general mischief and mayhem. They realised too late that the jokes, the insults, the chaos, was all to distract from what was bubbling beneath. Those actions weren't confidence, they were fear. And that, Zooble could relate to. Too long had they pushed off people around them with harshness and abrasiveness. They were very similar in that regard.
Pomni came into Zooble’s vision as she and Ragatha walked past to head into the bedroom corridor. Pomni was interesting. Zooble didn’t know her as well as the others, both from her being new and them not having much in common with her. Zooble’s feelings towards the jester were not unpleasant, but they wish they could become closer. Pomni always spent a lot more time with Ragatha, Kinger and Caine more than them or Gangle, and that was fine with Zooble. But they couldn't help but want to learn more about her. Ragatha was similar. They didn’t really know her that well. When Zooble had first entered the circus Ragatha had been a bit annoying and overbearing to them, and Zooble had consequently avoided really talking to her. They felt Pomni had really mellowed her out, making her a lot more pleasant to be around. She had realised she didn’t need to kiss ass as much as she had been, and Zooble thought they might want to actually get to know her now too.
And how could they forget about Kinger. Kinger was an odd one. Zooble had thought him crazy for so long that finding out his true personality was quite a shock to them. But they couldn't deny the man was growing on them. His crazy personality was becoming endearing too. His wacky ideas and actions made them laugh way more than they used to. Even now, the chess piece was talking to Caine about something, while simultaneously trying to catch a butterfly.
That led her mind to the ringmaster (ex-ringmaster?). Zooble had spent a much longer time warming up to him than the others did, but they now found themselves considering him one of their friends - a big step up from just six months ago.
They were pulled back from their daydreams by Gangle beside them, her having looked up from a half-finished sketch of some anime girl.
“Are you okay? You’re just sitting staring at nothing.”
Zooble chuckled good-humouredly.
“I’m fine. Just reflecting on the last few months.”
Gangle sighed quietly. “Yeah, I find myself doing that too. It feels so weird to just exist here without any real purpose.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Well, before we had a goal,” Gangle let out a sad laugh, “or at least an end result.” Now we know who we are and what this place truly is. We’re just mind scans. Nothing more, nothing less. We just exist here with no reason or way to leave”. Gangle shifted in her seat. “It just feels so strange to live here with such transparency into what we actually are, you know?”
Oh boy, Zooble knew exactly what she was talking about.
“Yeah” they replied. “It feels like we’re doing nothing but so much at the same time. Like, I feel so pointless doing nothing all day. I felt like that before too. But back then I actually had a reason to feel guilty for not trying to find the exit. Now I just can’t for the life of me move on and just live.” Zooble sank down into the couch, wishing it would swallow them whole. “I hate watching everyone else move on while I’m still here caught up in my head”
They know their life had gotten so much better. Both in the real world and the circus. But what a bar or an open world can’t fix is the sense of inadequacy Zooble felt about themselves. Maybe it was something that would live with them for the rest of their life. Maybe it would go away next month, or the month after that. Zooble wanted it to happen now.
Gangle reached out, wrapping her ribbon around Zooble’s claw. “I'm scared too. Sometimes I feel myself dreaming about my life outside of here, wishing I could be with her instead of here. But then I look at you and realise maybe this isn’t so bad”. Looking up and Gangle's smiling mask made Zooble feel the same way.
The rest of the day went on, laughs shared with Ragatha as Pomni struggled to reach a high shelf, creating adventure ideas with Caine, and drawing with Gangle.
As day trickled into night, they went to bed. Happy on the outside, but still conflicting emotions underneath.
—-------
Many more months passed. Life went on. Zooble went with it. They still felt those same feelings of guilt every once in a while, but they came up much more sporadically than before.
Now they felt happy. Genuinely happy. They never thought that was in the cards for them. But even so, Zooble really was enjoying their life now. Like right now.
They were all gathered around in the aquarium where the abstractions lived. They had turned the place into a cozy hangout space, complete with comfy chairs, beanbags, soft lamps that didn’t take away from the darkness, and low tables they used for activities like crafts and board games. Overall, Zooble thought the space was perfect, even more perfect with their favourite person in it.
Staring over at the perfect, red ribbon creature they loved so dearly, Zooble thought it was almost funny how absurd the thought of not being in the circus was to them now. A year ago Zooble would have given anything to leave. To get on with their dreams. To make their mark in the world. But no. Now they didn’t feel that way. Riley was out there. Doing all those things. Now all Zooble wanted was to be with the people they trusted. Their friends. The people they had spent the last couple of years with.
The thought of leaving the circus would mean they might never see Gangle again. That thought alone was enough to never make them want to escape again.
Yes, looking around the room at all their fellow circus members: Pomni, giggling over something with Ragatha, Kinger, staring lovingly at the abstracted form of Queenie, Jax, Ribbit and Kaufmo swimming in circles, Caine, flitting around doing who knows what, and finally Gangle sitting beside them, drawing to her heart’s content.
This place didn’t feel like a prison anymore. It felt like home.
Perhaps a life of stagnation isn’t so bad if you have the right people around you.