Work Text:
XX/XX/1996
Dear Jackie,
We did it! We won our game! We’re going to Nationals!
I am so unbelievably proud of the work you conducted as captain, even if I will never say it to you out loud. The way you carried yourself on the field with confidence, the way your blonde hair blew in the wind. You looked so beautiful out on that field. I wish I could’ve had that sight all to myself.
I am looking forward to spending the time with you in Seattle. The weather will be nice, the competition will be good. And the team will be able to kick ass like Wiskayok has never seen before.
Until then, we have plenty of time together at school, and lots of soccer practice so we can strengthen our skills before the big game. I know we can do it.
Love,
Shauna
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XX/XX/1996
Dear Jackie,
I feel terribly guilty for what happened during practice today to Allie. I was attempting to talk Taissa out of her plan to isolate Allie, and the truth is, I did see her point. I didn’t fully agree with her plans, or the actions she conducted, but I didn’t do enough to stop her. I feel terribly guilty for disappointing you in this way. I promise I’ll make it up to you once we’re in Seattle, okay?
I’m not really looking forward to the party tonight. You’ll spend the whole night smoking with Jeff, and leave me to be bothered by alcohol and some stupid boy, probably Randy Walsh. But I know it’s tradition, and I know it’s something you’re looking forward to. So I hope you’ll save some of that attention for me. You know how much I crave your presence.
We leave for Nationals tomorrow morning. I have already begun packing. I hope we can find some cute souvenirs in Seattle before we come back home. Maybe I’ll find another lucky necklace for you.
Love,
Shauna
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XX/XX/1996
Dear Jackie,
Turns out we aren’t going to nationals after all, but I guess you know that. I can’t believe our plane crashed and we managed to survive it.
I’m still upset with what you did to Van, but a selfish part of me is honored you chose to save my life in that fire. I guess it’s hard to be that upset when Van managed to make it out anyways.
It’s weird trying to write you a letter when we’ve been spending so much time together with the rest of the group. I guess I’ll have to settle for keeping these thoughts about you inside my head, even though all I want to do is share them with you.
Love,
Shauna
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?????/1996
Dear Jackie,
I think I’m pregnant. With Jeff’s baby.
I’m scared. I told Tai, and she has been reassuring me she’ll keep it a secret. But I know you’re having suspicions, too. And I know you won’t believe me when I ultimately lie about who the father is.
The truth is, Jackie, I only slept with Jeff because he is the closest I can get to sleeping with you. You’re intertwined with him so much that I might as well be sleeping with you, minus the anatomy. I crave your attention that you’ll never give me. That you physically can’t give me. And now, when this truth comes out, you’ll never end up handing it over.
I hope that we get rescued soon. I need to get rid of the truth of what I did. I need to stop feeling so guilty. I need to stop feeling so desperate for your attention.
Love,
Shauna
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?????/1996
Dear Jackie,
We couldn’t do it. Tai and I tried to abort the baby, but we couldn’t do it.
I’m so sorry for what I did, Jackie. I just wanted to be close to you. I wish it was you that I was secretly sleeping with. I wish it was me that you wanted, not Jeff.
When you said all those things at the party before nationals…about me being your best friend, I couldn’t say anything back. I hold so much resentment for what you do to me, and how you treat me, that I couldn’t say you’re my best friend back. Maybe that’s really why I slept with Jeff. Maybe I resent you so much for not giving me the attention I want.
I can’t get you out of my head. I’m sorry.
Love,
Shauna
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?????/1996
Dear Shauna,
I can’t believe you did this to me. I can’t believe Jeff is the father. How could you be so desperate for my attention that you turn around and sleep with my boyfriend?
I love you, Shauna. I always have. I meant everything I said back at the party. I can’t believe this is how I have to express it. From finding out that you slept with Jeff. You fucked my boyfriend before I could. Sure, maybe I don’t really enjoy doing anything with him, but you took the option of intertwining my soul with his away from me. Even if I would rather intertwine it with you, deep down.
I now have to live the rest of my life with this knowledge. Knowing you’re carrying Jeff’s baby. What am I supposed to say to him when we get back home? That I considered telling him I loved him, and that I know he slept with my best friend? What a joke.
I’m heartbroken at what I’ve read in this journal, even if some fucked up part of me is partially flattered at how much you want my attention. You got into Brown? You don’t want to go to Rutgers with me? You think about me every second of every day? You slept with my boyfriend to counteract this desperation for my attention?
Sometimes it’s like I don’t even know who you are.
But I’ll tell you who I am, Shauna. I’m your best friend. I know you more than anyone else does, or at least, I once did. We’re intertwined so deeply in a way that I will never feel with any man, even if I have sex with them. You have deep brown eyes and I’ll never live up to the way you write. You’re the green to my pink.
Please don’t throw it all away, even if that’s all I want to do right now.
Love?,
Forever yours,
Jackie