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“And how are we feeling this morning, Julian?” Jadzia asked, leaning on the doorway to the infirmary. “You seem pretty chipper for a man who was walking sideways.”
“Physically, it took me three coffees and an anti-nausea pill to get me slightly better than death warmed over,” Julian said. He turned his head to grin at her. “Emotionally, however…”
Her eyes widened.
“Don’t tell me you actually…”
“Oh yes! I marched all the way down to Garak’s quarters, woke him up – as it was one o’clock in the morning, if you recall – got him to let me in, sat on his couch, made sure to explain that even though I was drunk I meant every word I said, confessed my love, and passed out.”
Jadzia’s eyebrows had almost reached her hairline.
“And what did Garak say the next morning?”
“He didn’t understand a word I said,” Julian told her proudly. “As far as he could understand, I was trying to have a debate of some kind, and then told him our friendship was slightly less important than my one with Miles. He seemed to find it funny.” Julian raised his hands as if he’d just scored a goal. “Bullet: dodged.”
Jadzia sighed.
“You know, sooner or later, you’re going to have to tell him.”
“No I don’t,” Julian said cheerfully, turning back to his reports. Not for the first time, Jadzia thought how unusual it was that he could do that. Most humans would struggle with holding a conversation and typing from memory at the same time.
“Julian, for the last three months, every time you get drunk, you try to tell Garak how you feel. Eventually you’re going to succeed.”
“Not as long as the amount of alcohol it takes to make me brave enough to go to his quarters is greater or equal to the amount that turns me into a babbling fool.”
“What if you run into him in the hallway one night? Or get drunk with him? What if he actually had come to the party?”
“If he’d come to the party, I wouldn’t have had that much to drink. I’m very careful, Jadzia, give me some credit.”
“Julian.”
“Don’t ‘Julian’ me, Dax. You and I both know that telling him is a terrible idea. It’ll only lead to complications. Besides, I really don’t think I’m actually in love with him. It’s just…” He waved a hand vaguely. “An infatuation. Like with you. I just have to ride it out, and eventually it’ll pass.”
He kept typing away on his computer, completely at ease, wearing a peaceful little smile that was irritating to both Jadzia and Dax.
“It’s not an infatuation, and you know it. Your attraction to me was almost entirely sexual, combined with emotional attraction to the person you thought I was. Your attraction to Garak is for who he actually is.”
Julian hesitated. He glanced up at Jadzia.
“Alright fine,” he said, focusing on the computer again, a frown starting to dent his forehead. “Maybe I am in love with him. But that still doesn’t mean I should do anything about it!”
“You know, I could always tell him for you.”
Julian went ashen, but Jadzia smiled before he could say anything.
“Relax, Julian, I’m teasing.” She grew more serious. “Honestly, though. Wouldn’t you prefer to have that conversation with Garak sober?”
“I would prefer not to have the conversation at all.”
“Look, I know being love is scary. The more serious your feelings, the bigger the risk—”
“I am not scared,” Julian snapped, “I am justifiably concerned. Can you imagine how disastrous it would be if he didn’t return my feelings?”
“Can you imagine how wonderful it would be if he did?” she asked softly.
Julian stopped typing. He didn’t turn around.
“As someone who has been in this situation many times, and lived through the best and worst of it: it’s worth the risk.”
“I…I have a lot of work to do,” Julian muttered. He didn’t look up even when Jadzia put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
“See you later, Julian.”
Julian reached up a hand to press the buzzer by Garak’s door, and stopped. He dropped his hand. He began to pace back and forth.
He had been repeating this pattern for the last three minutes and it was starting to get more than pathetic.
Come on, Julian, he thought, don’t be such a coward.
He took a deep breath, reached out for the buzzer, and the door swept open.
“Hello, Doctor. I thought perhaps I might save you from your indecision.” Garak smiled at him, a sugar-sweet coating barely hiding the sly jibe beneath. “Is there something you need from me?”
Julian managed a weak laugh.
“May I come in?” he asked.
Garak stepped aside, making a dramatic little bow and sweeping Julian inside. The sound of the door closing behind them was somehow very similar to that of a cell door slamming shut.
Julian stood in the center of the room, trying to figure out what to do with his hands and eventually shoving them into his pockets.
“I wanted to apologize about last night. Especially waking you up at one in the morning.”
Garak seemed genuinely surprised; a rarity Julian would have savored more if he wasn’t currently sweating to death from sheer nerves.
“You already apologized once, doctor. That was more than sufficient.” Another sly smile, no hiding this time. “Besides, I think your body punished you more than enough.”
“Ha. Yes. Well. Still.” He cleared his throat. No one spoke.
“Was there anything else, doctor?”
Julian opened his mouth. No words escaped. A second, then two, then three passed. Garak raised his eyebrows.
“May I use your restroom?” Julian asked.
Garak’s eyebrows went even higher.
“Of course, doctor. I’m sure you remember where it is.”
Julian fled.
Shutting the door behind him, he fumbled with the taps until water came out. With both hands he gripped either side of the sink and stared at himself in the mirror. Julian’s eyes were wide with panic and his face had gone pale, both of which emphasized the dark bags under his eyes. He didn’t look much better than he had the last time he’d been in this room today, and last time he’d just vomited his guts out.
Julian squeezed his eyes shut as his stomach tightened. Under absolutely no circumstances could he throw up in Garak’s bathroom again. I’m in love with you and the thought of admitting it makes me violently ill. Definitely not.
Julian took in a deep breath and opened his eyes, glaring at his reflection.
“You can do this,” he whispered. “You can do this. …No I can’t, I can’t do it, I can’t.”
He groaned and hung his head, squeezing his eyes shut again.
If only Garak wasn’t so damn mysterious. Julian had gotten better at reading him over the last year, but he was still an enigma in so many ways. And in most of those ways, Julian enjoyed it – solving the puzzle that was Elim Garak.
But in this particular way, Julian was walking blindfolded through a maze built out of razor blades, broken glass, and heartache.
Can you imagine how disastrous it would be if he didn’t return my feelings?
Can you imagine how wonderful it would be if he did?
Damnit.
Julian turned the water off, straightened his spine, and muttered “God help me.”
Garak was more or less where Julian had left him, fingers laced together in front of him.
“Sorry about that,” Julian said. “Hangovers aren’t just for the mornings anymore, I’m afraid.”
“Yes, you are in your thirties now,” Garak said, nodding sagely. “The resilience of youth has long since left you behind.”
God, Julian loved him. The way he never forgot anything you said, especially if he could use it against you later; the shine in his eyes when he’d gotten a good jab in; the even brighter shine when you got a good jab in; his collection of smiles all ranges of false and genuine and both.
Do not throw up again.
“I didn’t actually come here to apologize. Not that I’m not sorry, I am, but what I really wanted to say was…”
Why couldn’t this be one of the times when Garak could see right through him? Couldn’t Garak just turn that all-knowing gaze on him and stare straight into Julian’s brain and see what he was thinking?
“I came here last night to tell you something specific, and it’s something I’ve been trying to say to you every time I have too much to drink, and it is that I am in love with you.”
Garak stared at him. And continued to stare.
“I wasn’t trying to debate you about truth,” Julian plowed on. “I wanted to make sure you didn’t discount what I was saying just because I was dead drunk. And I wasn’t saying you were less important to me than Miles, I was trying to say that while Miles is my best friend, in a platonic sense, you are more than a friend to me. Romantically. I suppose I didn’t get a chance to say the actual words before I lost consciousness.”
“Yes, you did,” Garak said in a very distant voice. He was completely motionless, still staring at Julian.
“I did…?”
“You did say it. I…simply assumed you were one of those individuals who tells everyone he loves them, after a certain number of drinks.”
“…Oh. I’m not.”
“I see.”
The silence stretched. Garak continued to stare at him. Not thoughtful or expectant or disgusted, just. Staring blankly. Garak was always hard to read but right now Julian might as well be waiting for a wall to start discussing its emotions.
“Right!” Julian said, when he couldn’t take it anymore. “Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. So. Er. I’ll just. Go.”
He waited to see if this might prompt some sort of reaction from Garak. It did not.
Garak was standing between Julian and the door, so Julian had to walk past him. Garak didn’t try to stop him, didn’t say anything – all he did was turn to watch Julian go. Somehow, Julian felt that blank stare on the back of his neck all the way home.
Julian had an early night. He’d been tempted to drink off his heartache at Quark’s, but he was too afraid that if he did, he’d end up doing something embarrassing. Like tracking down Jadzia and telling her it was all her fault he was going to die alone. Or telling Quark about everything and have it all over the station by morning.
Or go back to Garak.
So after a quick, lonely dinner, Julian crawled into bed, curled into a ball, and tried to think about anything but the way Garak had been staring at him.
When Julian woke up, his clock said it was midnight. Hardly surprising, when you went to bed three hours early. Well, maybe a cup of tea would help soothe him back to sleep. He sat up and turned on the light—
Garak was sitting in his chair by the window.
Julian let out a shout and lurched backwards, barely managing to catch himself from falling out by grabbing the bedside table, knocking over the lamp and scrambling to right it before it crashed to the floor.
Garak didn’t so much as twitch at the reaction. He sat in silence, his fingers steepled before him, his expression steely and determined.
“Garak, what the hell are you doing in here?” Julian demanded.
“You cannot be in love with me,” Garak said.
“…what?”
Garak stood abruptly and began to pace back and forth.
“It is, quite simply, a terrible idea. First, the threat to your position here on the station. The Federation needs the trust and respect of the Bajoran people. Their chief medical officer beginning a romantic relationship with a Cardassian, even an exile, could undermine that, and would therefore cost you significant political standing.”
“I don’t…I don’t have a political standing,” Julian said, puzzled. Garak ignored this.
“Then, of course, there is the physical danger. I have enemies, dangerous ones. You could be attacked, captured, even killed, simply as a way to get to me!”
Julian just stared at him, brain struggling to catch up to the situation at hand.
“There is also – and I mean this as no insult, Doctor – your tendency towards infatuation. Would you really want to open yourself to all this unpleasantness only to realize two months later than your interest has passed?”
Julian felt his cheeks redden.
“Now hold on,” he said. “That’s not fair. I am perfectly able to know the diff—”
“Then of course, the issue with your parents.”
“My parents?”
“Your relationship with them is already extremely strained – I know you never speak of them, but I have been able to intimate as much based on your opinions of the roles of parents in the literature we share. Can you imagine how much worse it would be for you and for them if you were to bring home a Cardassian?”
Julian’s mouth hung open, all attempts at protest briefly lost. Garak didn’t seem to notice.
“And speaking of parents, did you know I am exactly twenty years older than you?” Garak went on. “I am quite literally old enough to be your father!”
“What?”
“Exactly!” Garak said, turning eagerly on Julian, spreading his hands. “Just think of what people would say! The damage to your personal reputation—”
“Garak, just—”
“I shudder to even consider the kinds of rumors that would be spread around—”
“Garak—”
“—you know how Quark is, it would be around the station within a week that you’re—”
“Garak!”
Garak finally stopped. Julian struggled for words for a moment and finally settled on
“Why are you here?”
Garak looked surprised at the question, and drew himself up.
“Isn’t it obvious? I am here to make it clear to you why a relationship between the two of us would be disastrous, and that you should under no circumstances seek to pursue me any further.”
“I wasn’t going to pursue you,” Julian said. Garak blinked. He frowned and his shoulders dropped slightly, like an irate chicken unruffling its feathers.
“Oh.”
Julian rubbed his face.
“I know I made an ass of myself about Jadzia, but I have learned my lesson. You don’t need to convince me of anything. The only reason I need is that you don’t return my feelings.”
Garak brushed himself down, although his clothes were spotless and unwrinkled.
“My apologies, doctor. My concern for your wellbeing overrode my trust in your intelligence.”
“It’s alright,” Julian said, somehow managing to smile.
Garak tipped his head in acknowledgement and moved towards the door. Just as he reached it, however, he spun back around.
“I really don’t know why it even occurred to you in the first place,” Garak said, and again began to pace. “The very idea of it is ludicrous!”
That should have stung, but now Julian was beginning to move beyond confusion and into suspicion.
“Garak…” he said.
“The two of us! A Cardassian and a human! A former Obsidian Order spy and a Federation chief of medical, why, your precious Shakespeare could write a book about us!”
Julian’s eyebrows shot up. For Garak to actually admit to being a spy meant something was really serious here.
“What in the world were you thinking, doctor? I mean, really! As if it could ever end in anything but disaster and disgrace and almost certainly death for one or both of us—”
“You’re right,” Julian said. Garak stopped pacing.
“I beg your pardon?”
“You’re right,” Julian repeated. “All of your points, completely valid. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Well, I’m glad you’ve come to see sense,” Garak said, tugging at his sleeve cuffs. Julian pushed aside the bed covers and rose. Garak glanced at him and then away.
“The two of us? Together?” Julian shook his head. “It’d never work.”
“Precisely.”
Julian began to cross the room.
“I might as well chuck my whole career and take a job as a cargo hauler for all the good you’d do me.”
He paused in front of Garak. The Cardassian’s eyes narrowed.
“You are mocking me, doctor.”
“A little bit.”
Julian put his hand on the back of Garak’s head and gently pulled him in for a kiss. Garak went rigid, but his hands shot forward and took tight hold of Julian’s shirt. Julian had intended for it to be brief, but the press of their lips sent a wild thrill racing through him, and pulling away took far more effort than he’d thought it would.
Garak’s eyes were wide and almost frightened.
“I’m not the one you’re trying to convince, here, am I?” Julian asked in a soft, gentle voice.
“You cannot love me,” Garak whispered.
“Can’t?” Julian asked. “Or shouldn’t?”
Garak dropped his gaze and didn’t answer.
“You’re right,” Julian said. “People will talk, and some of the Bajorans will look at me differently, and Quark will gossip about anything. It could very well be a disaster.” He brushed his fingers across Garak’s cheek; Garak shut his eyes and shivered. “But as someone very wise said to me today, it could also be wonderful.”
At last Garak looked at him again, this time managing a small smile. He still hadn’t let go of Julian’s shirt.
“Ever the optimist,” he said. His gaze searched Julian’s face and slowly, he began to relax. “Well, if you insist, Doctor, who am I to argue. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Julian chuckled, leaning in for another kiss.
“I don’t have to,” he murmured against Garak’s lips. “I know how much you love to say I told you so.”