Work Text:
Haewon lived a life of emotional constipation.
It wasn’t that feelings or emotions were some farfetched notion she’d only heard of in stories but, rather, these sensations did not bubble up to the surface of her skin like it did for most people. Where most people were sparkling water, she was flat. Still water, but less conspicuous.
There was also the awkwardness.
Eye contact was not an innate social skill, Haewon didn’t care what anyone said. First she stared too hard at people, then she was ‘skittish’ because she didn’t maintain their gaze. She laughed a few seconds too late or she laughed when no one else did or she didn’t laugh at all.
Not dealing with people was completely preferable to dealing with them but — in order to be a functioning human and not a deadbeat — she had to interact with them. In her classes, in her two-bedroom dormitory, at her work-study in the university’s library.
On one occasion, a particularly sassy freshman informed her that she was ‘giving librarian’ and it did not seem like a compliment.
Perhaps the collared shirts and sweaters/cardigan combinations? Maybe it was the fact that she never smiled as she was checking out books (nor doing any other portion of her job) or her aggressive enforcement of quiet-zone areas?
Haewon didn’t mind that she didn’t have close friends, ate solely in her dorm, and only went outside for class and work. She knew that she was strange, stoic, and generally uninterested in the lives of those around her. It didn’t bother her. There was nothing she felt that she was missing out on.
It was on an inconspicuous Sunday evening in the Fall semester of her Senior year that this sentiment began to evolve, like the changing colors of the leaves on the trees outside.
On the second floor of the library, Haewon shelved books in the Young Adult section. Nearing 8pm, the library was practically empty this early in the semester and she was grateful for the peace as she listened to Jannabi through her earbuds. And then.
“Excuse me, miss. I need some help finding a book.”
Haewon paused, arm half-stretched out to put another book into its place on the shelf as a cheery voice pierced through her earbuds.
It wasn’t that she hated when students interrupted her when she was in her zen shelving mode, but she did have passing homicidal thoughts whenever they did it. She schooled her face into a mask of impassivity before turning around.
The student waved a hand whose fingertips had a yellow Post-It attached with shelving numbers written on it. “Sorry!” She seemed to belatedly realize that Haewon was likely not a ‘miss’ but a fellow student and her mouth opened and closed twice before she continued, “Um…sorry. I was looking for The Last Olympian. It wasn’t where it was supposed to be on the shelf but it says that it’s available, so I was wondering if maybe you had it on your…cart?”
The student’s brown eyes were wide and innocent like some Victorian child and she was smiling wide and uncertainly at her. Haewon, to her credit, was aware that she was staring at her but, to her detriment, could not stop staring at her.
It wasn’t some movie moment where the main character sees someone really attractive and they stop in their tracks (not that this student wasn’t very attractive), but it was closer to an overstimulated buffering in her mind. Shelving was the most calm part of her day outside of her bedroom; it was just her, her earbuds, and the mindless shelving of books for a couple of hours.
To be interrupted from this process was one thing. For the interrupter to be a cute girl with a lovely Australian accent and the face of the childlike innocence she never had was unprecedented and required several moments of catching up for her brain.
The student said nothing regarding this extended silence that stretched out between them, and only maintained that warm, inquisitive smile. This kindness of ignoring her awkwardness somehow made Haewon more embarrassed than if she’d become annoyed or repeated her question.
“Uh…” Haewon gestured with her free arm to the cart in a way she hoped was interpretable as ‘go ahead and take a look’.
The student, incredibly, did not bat an eye. “Thanks!” she said before brushing past Haewon to scan the cart.
She smelled of vanilla and cinnamon. Not that Haewon had sniffed her as she passed. Not on purpose. It was a reaction like blinking when something comes flying at your face. Perhaps a bit weirder.
Haewon hovered a few feet away as the girl rummaged through her cart and watched her through the corner of her eye. She’d never seen her before. She would have remembered.
“Sweet!” The girl’s volume was a few notches too loud for the library, but Haewon couldn’t bring herself to mention it as she turned back triumphantly with the sought-after book in her hands. Haewon noted in confusion that her expression of happiness did not equate to the occasion. “Thank you so much, Haewon!”
The student had taken the opportunity to look at the ID badge hanging around her neck. Strangely, Haewon felt more seen than she had in several years in this two minute interaction. Some repressed part of her knew this was a sad acknowledgement of her social life that she did not allow herself to dwell on. This girl was looking at her though, not through her like everyone else, and she felt like this was an opportunity that she would regret passing up.
“You like Percy Jackson.” It was a question, but the monotonous tone of her voice made it come out like a fact. The student was unperturbed.
“Oh, yeah! I like most books really, but I seriously like these. It’s like a modern retelling of Greek mythology. Well, I say modern, but these books are like twenty years old at this point! Gosh! I feel so old. But yeah, last one, right here! Well, for the first series. There’s like a bunch more in this universe though. Norse and Egyptian series as well…”
Haewon watched her ramble with intense fascination. She was animated and alive in her words and expression. There really weren’t a lot of people like that, were there? A brightness in a dull world.
“That’s cool,” Haewon said simply when she’d finished. Though it didn’t sound that way, she meant it.
“Yeah…I’m Lily, by the way!” She tucked her hair behind her ears. “Sorry, maybe should have mentioned that first. Kinda weird I know your name and you know nothing about me.”
The corner of her mouth quirked. “I know you like Percy Jackson.”
Lily nodded quickly as if this were a very good point. “Yeah, true!”
Cute, Haewon thought abruptly. She averted her eyes quickly as if the student could possibly read the thoughts in her mind through them.
“Hope you enjoy it.” Haewon muttered without looking at her.
The student hesitated as if she wanted to say more, but she only nodded once more. “Yeah, I’ll let you get back to it. Nice meeting you, Haewon!”
There was her name again spoken through her lips and it was mortifying how much she enjoyed hearing it.
Lily, walking in a way that Haewon could only describe as gaily, had turned the corner of the aisle before she could even think of responding back. She should have said something to keep the conversation going. Anything.
“Damn it, Haewon, really?” she turned back to her cart, irritated.
—
Two days later, Haewon worked another evening shift shelving books in the dimly-lit recesses of the third floor Business and Law section of the library.
The student from Sunday was a distant memory that she’d categorized as an anomaly in an otherwise characteristically bland existence. The thought of not seeing her again was distantly upsetting in the same way that reality was distantly upsetting, but if she didn’t think about either too long or hard she could pretend everything was fine.
Except it wasn’t fine really. It’d been bugging her periodically over the past couple of days and she was forcing herself to let it go several times in a day.
Haewon had never had a crush as far as she was aware and thus did not know what having one felt like. Was it interacting with an individual for sub-five minutes and thinking about them compulsively for a lot longer? Every flash of blonde hair caused her body to tense and her head to turn twice. These thought patterns felt neurotic in nature, like she needed to be checked out by a psychologist.
She inserted a textbook on blockchains and production onto the shelf with a little more force than necessary. If only she could eat fiber to loosen up the emotional blockage going on in her brain and not ruminate on all of the ways her conversation with Lily could have gone better. To what end it could have gone better, she wasn’t sure.
It was the final year of her Computer Science and Business dual major. She needed absolutely all of her brain power for studying and not for whatever this was.
Haewon glanced up at the flash of blonde between the shelves in her peripheral vision, ready for another false alarm, but her breath caught in the back of her throat as the familiar girl turned into her aisle once again.
“Hi again, Haewon,” Lily’s voice was notably quieter but still had that same pleasant lilt to it as she came closer to you. “I dunno if you remember me, but… I was hoping you could help me find a book.”
Haewon buffered for a moment. She examined her knit green sweater, turtleneck, and cuffed jeans over combat boots. There was no sticky note on her fingers meaning that she likely hadn’t even attempted to search it up. She generally did not appreciate people interrupting her when shelving. Generally.
She took out her earbuds and crossed her arms, feigning normalcy. “What book, Lily?”
Lily beamed when she said her name and Haewon felt her heartbeat skip. Annoying. “Children of Bone and Blood.”
Haewon’s gaze narrowed.
The Young Adult section was on the second floor which meant that Lily had gone completely out of her way to find her in the dark recesses of the third floor’s nonfiction maze. She couldn’t tell if she was more flattered or perplexed.
“Did you try looking it up?” The words came out sharper than she meant them and she cringed.
“No…I wanted you to help me.” Lily’s response was quick and her smile did not falter. “I guess you weren’t working yesterday cause I looked for you and then asked the circulation desk and they also said you weren’t working.”
Haewon blinked at the honesty. “Why?”
Her tone was cheerful. “Why not?”
A cop-out if Haewon ever heard one. Unfortunately, she really wanted to know the answer to this question.
“Anyway,” Lily continued with a cheeky grin, “don’t you work here? Don’t you have to help me?”
That surprised a short laugh out of Haewon. She knew if anyone else had said that, it would have irritated the hell out of her. However, the way the girl said it made it feel like innocent teasing between friends.
Haewon felt torn between being amused and annoyed. She took the middle ground. “I do have free will, you know? I could choose to ignore you.”
“Sure, but that would be very disappointing.”
Lily had a mischievous glint in her eyes and it filled Haewon with mild trepidation. Was this flirting? Was this kindness? Was she just weird? Haewon had never been able to tell the difference so she tended to ignore it all. Usually.
Haewon uncrossed her arms, instead shoving them into the front pocket of her hoodie. She didn’t quite meet Lily’s gaze when she said, “Let’s find your book.”
“Sweet, thank you!”
Lily walked alongside Haewon as they went down the staircase to the second floor as if she knew exactly where she was going, humming some unfamiliar tune quietly as they walked. Haewon found that she kept taking what she hoped were inconspicuous glances at her. She was pretty in a way in which her facial features were very prominent: goodly, almost doleful eyes, a pronounced nose, and a bottom lip fuller than the top. It was a face to studied, soaked in.
Lily’s gaze caught hers.
Shit. Haewon nearly tripped over the last step, but caught herself before it became more than an awkward stumble.
“Oh my god! Are you alright?” Lily’s hand was half-outstretched like she’d been about to catch her.
Haewon knew that she was blushing. She couldn’t even tell if it was from nearly tripping or getting caught staring. “I’m fine.”
Lily was smiling like she found something very funny but had no intention of letting Haewon in on it.
Frowning, Haewon began to scour the YA section for Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi. It was a popular book, so she was familiar with the author and its usual placement on the shelves. Therefore it was perplexing when she was unable to find the book in its usual spot.
“I’m guessing you also didn’t look to see if the book’s been checked out?” Haewon inquired over her shoulder.
“No!” Lily answered as chirpy as ever.
She swallowed her sigh as she straightened up. “Okay, I can go and check the system —”
“That’s okay! I’ve already read it. Honestly, I was just trying to find you earlier but I panicked when I saw you, so I asked you to help me find a book I already read! I’m kinda hoping you don’t find that weird.”
Haewon turned slowly to look at her, eyes wide. She was acutely aware of how quiet and populated this part of the library was though the nearest student sat several tables down.
There was a tension to Lily’s smile now, as if it were finally cracked by some other emotion than pleasantness. Was it nervousness?
“Not weird, per say,” Haewon said quietly. “I’m confused.”
Lily chuckled a bit awkwardly, “Yeah, same to be honest. I was going to just ask you if you wanted to get dinner at the cafeteria when you got off work, but I’ve gone and made it super weird and complicated.”
Haewon stared at her. She now knew what it meant to have all the thoughts in her head transformed into radio static.
Heat crept up her neck and the first coherent thought that came through was that she really hoped that it was not visible.
Lily didn’t even seem to notice Haewon’s distress as she appeared to be going through her own inner turmoil simultaneously. “Not like a date!” She exclaimed, waving her hands. This was said loud enough that a few students raised their heads in confusion. Lily didn’t notice that either. “You just seem cool. I mean, you’re a librarian. That’s really cool!”
Haewon smiled at that. “No, I’m a work-study assistant. I’d need a master’s degree to be a librarian.”
“Oh. Right.” She clasped her hands in front of her with a sheepish smile. “You didn’t answer…about the dinner thing.”
That inquiry hadn’t been forgotten. Haewon just didn’t know what to make of it yet. As much as she’d been thinking of their first meeting, her body and mind had been doing odd, scary things since this girl came into her life.
Haewon’s body was her temple. More than a temple, she knew everything about herself and her emotions. It was as if Lily were preaching a different religion over the sermon she’d always known.
“Are you…offering me dinner because you thought I was a librarian? You want free books or…?”
Another awkward laugh. She was toying with the sleeves of her knit sleeves of her sweater distractedly. “Um, no, silly! You just seemed” — Haewon could see the gears turning in the girl’s head and was lost to what it meant that she had to think for so long — “nice?”
Haewon cocked her head in amusement. The corners of her mouth twitched. “You’re lying.”
“Nuh-uh!”
“I’m not nice.”
Her arms crossed over her chest and her mouth pouted indignantly. “Well I think you’re nice and I’m really good at reading people, ya knaur.”
The smile Haewon had been holding back split her lips open and a low chuckle escaped without her permission. The pout, the accent, and earnest purity in those eyes all accumulated into an adorableness that she’d never been privy to in her entire life.
“Why’re you laughing? I'm serious!”
Yes, that was what made it so charmingly funny.
“I was just thinking that we should do dinner tonight.”
Haewon had made the decision somewhere between the ‘nuh-uh’ and the ‘ya knaur’ that whatever the cost of dinner was on her mental state, it was worth it if only to talk with Lily for a few moments longer.
Even the smile that blossomed across Lily's face was enough for the breath to rush out of her. She’d done nothing to be the catalyst of a smile like that and yet it was given to her freely. How had Lily come this far in life and kept a smile that genuine?
“Sweet! Can you do seven?”
Her mouth moved before her brain did. “Sure, anytime.”
She wasn’t sure what time her shift ended today, but she would have to make it work.
Lily brightened further. “Anytime? That’s very accommodating. Very nice of you.”
Haewon knew that she was staring again. Her survey of Lily wandered between her eyes, down the slope of her nose to her lips and then back again. She had forgotten that they were in the library between two shelves of YA books in an area littered with students who were not particularly far away from them. She found that she didn’t care very much at the moment.
“Apparently, I’m a nice person.”
“See?” Lily tapped a finger against her temple. “Intuition.”
“Oh yeah, I see it now.”
“You see it?”
Haewon smirked. “I do.”
Lily’s eyes flickered down just once before she clasped her hands behind her back, rocking on her heels and nodding resolutely. “Well, I’ll see you at seven! If you get there before me, I like the booths!”
“Alright,” Haewon said, tone droll, “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Cool!” Finger guns were shot in her direction so awkwardly she briefly thought that she was in an Adam Sandler movie. “I’m going now!”
She watched Lily walk away (if one could call her joyous bouncing ‘walking’) with a belated sense of confusion at the conversation that had transpired.
Nice, huh? A blatant lie to cover for some other reason for asking her to dinner surely. Haewon wondered if Lily thought that she was attractive. That was the only real reason there could be, right? She’d only said about thirty words to her on Sunday.
Though she’d done everything she could to make herself unnoticeable since high school, for whatever reason, an unusual ray of sunshine had noticed her.
Haewon squinted up at the popcorn-tiled roof above her head suspiciously. Was God actually up there or something?
She heard a pointed cough behind her and turned to see a familiar student at a forgotten cluster of desks at the end of the row of bookshelves. It was the same feline-faced freshman who had said she was ‘giving librarian’ earlier in the semester and who was currently side-eyeing her with open condemnation from her chair.
“It’s funny. If I was as loud in the library as that girl you were talking to was, you would’ve kicked me out,” she said coldly.
Haewon stared at her. She considered ignoring her, but she was in a good mood. “Okay. You get one free pass, kid. Use it to sneeze, cough, or scream, but I’m only giving you one.”
The student rolled her eyes and looked back to her textbook. “Whatever. Can’t wait til you go to the retirement home, grandpa.”
Haewon blinked. She turned her back to the student before cracking a tiny smile.
Who knew interacting with people could be this interesting?