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It was a normal night. Walking home after a long walk to get away from my mom, who had been drinking. I sighed and turned the corner, when I heard a shout, an older woman saying “GET OUT AND DON’T YOU COME BACK, YOU FUCKING SCUM!” Then a loud smacking noise.
Silence.
I ran, searching for the source of that commotion, wondering if someone was hurt, suffering, worse?
I came across a boy, laying in the grass outside the house where the yell had come from, holding himself as tight as he could. His face was covered in blotchy purple bruises, blood seeping out of cuts. He had a gash on the left side of his face.
The tears ran down his face, dripping off of his long eyelashes as he stared at me, debating whether or not to run or scream.
I stepped to him slowly, my hands raised to show that I wasn’t going to hurt him. I crouched down to speak to him, when he shrunk away, trying to get as far from me as possible, and to be honest, I don’t blame him.
“Hey, are you ok? I’m Cinna. I heard what happened with that hag who I think’s your mother, and I wanna help you.”
He stared at me cautiously. “I’m Johnny Cade.”
His voice was soft and careful, reminding me of how my doctor spoke to me when she told us something was wrong. But in a good way. It was comforting and calm, like he wasn’t shaking in fear on the wet grass in front of me. That, with his round face and warm skin, he reminded me of an angel. He was honestly one of the most beautiful people I have seen.
I held out a hand to help him up, and when he took it, his hands were warm, despite the chill the rain had left. As he stood up, he winced, probably from his injuries or something. I let go of his hand, scared to come across as a creep, but I could still feel his brown doe eyes watching me. It was an odd feeling.
As I showed him to my hideout, I grabbed him a new shirt to wear because his old one was soaked with rain and blood. He took it, still watching me, and I looked away quickly as he changed. I moved a bit further away to change as well, hoping that the shirt would fit him.
It did, surprisingly. He looked pretty good in it.
He spoke again, his voice less shaky but still anxious. “So… I take it you know what it’s like?”
It was my turn to stare at him. I nodded quietly and went to go grab him some chips or something edible from my food stash. He didn’t mention anything about what had happened with that woman, so I didn’t ask. As he ate, he looked around my hideout, eyes wide.
I had a tarp as a roof over a large tent. In it I had a small crappy mattress, the floor was covered my blankets of no specific variety. The tent was lit by my old gas lantern I had used for camping, and I had a milk crate full of food and shelf stable drinks. He sat down on my mattress, focusing on his chips while I got something for myself. The grease was almost fully washed out of his hair, and as much as I disliked seeing greasers, well, without grease, he looked pretty okay.
I took a glance in my mirror, combing out my hair. As I prepared a place for Johnny to sleep, he stared at me again, this time more analyzing me, which made me a bit uncomfortable. He was staring at my birthmark, I knew.
“I like your place,” he commented, which shocked me. “Oh, uh, thanks. It’s not really tuff or anything but it’s livable…”
“Looks pretty tuff to me.”
I laughed a bit and looked at him to see what he looked like in the light.
Well, that was a mistake. Not only was he angelic, he was smiling. That smile sealed the deal for me. I can’t just pretend this never happened after tonight.
His smile faded after a while, which I assumed meant he was tired.
“You can sleep on my mattress tonight, I’ll sleep on the floor.” I said. He shook his head. “Nah, you can’t do that. I can sleep on the floor, it’s your place.” I refused, and we went back and forth for a while until we got to the awkward conclusion that we’d just both sleep on the mattress. It’d be a tight fit, but no one needs to sleep on the floor that way. We both managed to get on the mattress, our backs pressing against each others’. I felt my face heat up, trying to get some more space between us, but Johnny didn’t seem to mind too much.
He just laid there until he fell asleep. As I tried to do the same, he rolled over and basically grabbed me in his sleep. It was kind of nice. He was warm and his heartbeat was soft and even, but he kept mumbling in his sleep, something about “Ponyboy i think I’ve got myself a girl…”
What even is a Ponyboy???
Whatever. He kept saying stuff about people, probably members of his gang, but he eventually got to me, and he pulled me closer to him when he said it. My name coming out of his mouth was the last straw for me. I just burst into tears right then and there. I didn’t want to be in love. But I fell in love with an angel named Johnny Cade that day.
When I had woken up, he was gone, which scared me, until I had seen the note he had left.
“Hey, I’m still here, I just went to tell my gang that I’m okay. I’ll be back later and maybe you can meet them if you want to.
See ya, Johnny Cade :)”
He had put his jacket on top of me to keep me warm while I slept. The whole tent even smelled like him. Oh, god, I was done for.
I brushed my hair and got dressed, wearing his jacket over my shirt and denim skirt. I put on my boots and went out, carrying his note with me.
I saw him walking back up to the tent, a content smile on his face. When he saw I was up, he handed me something that smelled really good. “Uh, my friend Ponyboy bought that for you when I told him about you… all my friends are really happy that you helped me. They all want to meet ya real bad so you’d better come.”
How could I say no? It’s not like I have school to go to or anything. It was Sunday. I shrugged and went with him, eating my breakfast as we walked. It was sunny out, with birds singing and flying around above us. Johnny’s bruises shone on his face, a reminder of last night, but he seemed unbothered. It must be a common occurrence for him.
We arrived at this house, far into greaser territory, and as soon as he knocked, the door opened. A bunch of his friends waved and greeted him, but I stood there and watched until one of them waked up to me.
“You’re Cinna, right? I just wanted to say thanks a lot for helping Johnnycakes out last night.”
“Uh, it’s no problem. I’ve been through that kind of stuff too.”
He looked a bit sad, but changed the subject and introduced himself as Ponyboy. It took a while for all of them to introduce themselves, but I met every single member of Johnny’s gang. One of them kept trying to flirt with me, which was not going to amount to anything.
Johnny eventually found me and stood next to me until everyone started to leave. He didn’t say anything, but having him there was nice. He looked at me after everyone left (besides Darry, Soda, and Ponyboy, because this was their house,) he leaned in and whispered to me, “I know they can be scary but they’re good people, I promise.”
His voice whispering into my ear made me flinch but nodded once it was over.
Sodapop walked over to us, a suspicious look in his eyes. “Soooo, are you two lovebirds goin’ back to whatever hole Cinna lives in, or are ya stayin’ with us?”m
This broke me, and Johnny apparently. He stared at the floor, his face going red, and I looked away to hide my own embarrassment.
“W-well, you don’t really have too much space, so we were gonna go back to Cinna’s after this…” Johnny replied.
I didn’t know that’s what he wanted, but I didn’t really mind, because it was really cold in there with just me.
After an hour, he still wanted to hang out with the Curtis brothers, but I needed to make sure my hideout was okay before the socs started prowling around. So I left and he stayed.
At about midnight, Johnny came back, and he smelled really strongly of smoke and alcohol, though he didn’t drink. I assumed they went to a party.
He looked at me with half-lidded eyes, practically collapsing onto my mattress.
“Cinna, I’m sorry that I was out so late, the gang just wanted me to join them in a rumble real quick, but it wasn’t all that quick…”
“Did you get hurt at all?”
“Not really, the brothers, they kept me out of trouble..”
I sighed in relief and grabbed the bandages anyway. “Just show me so I can make sure.”
He let me see his arms, his legs, his face (which was a little awkward), and then the time came for his back.
I had to idea how to ask this, and he looked so tired…
“Uh, there’s one more thing I have to check,” I mumbled, putting a hand on his back. He flinched, probably because of the beatings that he had at home, or just because I was touching him, but he slowly took his shirt off. I tried not to look, only focusing on new and old scars, wrapping them up in bandages and disinfecting the newer ones.
He looked back at me the entire time, his eyes full of… something?
His hair was all messy too.
It made me kind of want to touch it, but I ignored that feeling in my chest and finished up his bandages.
He didn’t say anything else to me that night, he just stared at me with his soft eyes.
I woke up in the middle of the night, my back pressed against Johnny’s. He was trembling. I could hear him crying. I turned around slowly, putting a hand on his shoulder. He flinched, and I quickly pulled away, but he turned to me anyway.
He didn’t say anything.
I didn’t know what to do. I reached out to brush some of his hair out of his face, and he let me. My fingers lingered near his face for a second until I forced myself to pull my hand away, insisting that doing anything now wouldn’t be taken seriously on the morning.
I opened my mouth in an attempt to speak, but I couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t sound stupid. He laughed at my attempt. By now, he was done crying, so we both laughed at my awkwardness and tried to go back to sleep. Emphasis on tried. I was awake almost the whole night, wondering if he was awake too.
I’ve only known Johnny for like a week, yet I was already knee deep in whatever I was stuck in. I felt too happy to be beside him right now. I felt like a jerk for liking him while he was just trying to find a place to stay.
The next morning, he was up before me again. I forced myself out of bed and went outside to look for him, and shortly I found him smoking while watching the sunrise. He looked back and waved at me, so I sat down next to him and hoped I didn’t say anything I’d regret.
“Morning, Cinna.”
“Good morning.” He sounded tired, but in a satisfied way, like getting up was worth it. In the orange of the waking sun, his skin shone like fire, and his black eyes gleamed. I realized I had been watching him instead of the sun, and quickly whipped my head around and stared at the grass beneath my bare feet.
“Hey, so… I was kinda wondering why you lived alone before this. You’ve got a Ma, right?”
I sighed and explained the situation with my mother. He nodded and looked sorry for me, but he never said anything like “I’m sorry” or “that’s terrible,” he just kept quiet. It was kind of refreshing.
I was starting to fully wake up now.
Johnny offered me a cigarette, but I declined because my dad made me promise never to smoke. He understood, but he looked disappointed after. I wonder why…
He hadn’t greased his hair yet. I hadn’t noticed before. It was long in all the right places and curled up in small waves along his neck. It looked great.
He noticed me looking, and his ears started to turn red. He looked away, running a hand through his hair before saying, “I know it looks lousy.”
I shook my head frantically. “No!!! I love it. It’s perfect if you grease it or not.”
He kind of maybe smiled. He did this a lot around his gang and girls that they would meet. I didn’t know what that meant for me, but I really hoped that it meant what I hoped it meant.
The day went on, and he went to school and I went to work. I was hired for a soc party and the amount of drinks I had to make was not worth the measly 5 dollars that I had been paid, but around socs, complaining wasn’t an option.
I had made basically made like 40 cocktails by the time the party was coming to an end, and I was getting ready to leave when one of the socs grabbed me. “Where are you going, greaser? You’re lucky that you got hired, with that disgusting mark on your face. It’s time to pay us back.”
I felt myself trembling. My legs felt weak as they surrounded me. “Don’t be scared, you should be happy people like us want a greaseball like you. You would be so hot without that stain on your face… but that won’t matter once we have some fun with you.” As soon as I realized what they were going to do to me, I screamed. I screamed for Johnny, Ponyboy, Two-bit, even Hunny, my old friend from middle school.
They shoved a hand over my mouth, yelling “Shut her up!” They didn’t.
I bit down as hard as I could, tasting the metallic blood in my mouth. I spat into his hand because he still wouldn’t pull away, but it was no use.
The socs grabbed at me, and I closed my eyes and hoped they wouldn’t cut me.
I woke up on someone’s couch. I smelled pancakes, and as I opened my eyes I realized I was in the Curtis house.
My entire body hurt, and it turned out the socs did cut me. Oh god.
I ran to the bathroom and saw that there was a box of pregnancy tests from Soda’s ex left there, so I used one and prayed that it would be negative.
Thank God it was.
I cried happy tears.
I heard a knock on the door. “Uh, come in!” I called.
Johnny opened the door, looking worried. When he saw me with tears running down my cheeks, he rushed towards me. He hugged me tightly. He was crying too.
“Cinna, are you okay? Darry found you all beat up naked at a soc party spot… the socs who hurt you got a good beating, don’t worry, but are you okay? Does anything hurt? It was my fault- I didn’t look for you, I’m sorry-“
“Johnny, you know it ain’t your fault.”
We both held each other on the cold tile. Once we were both done crying, we pulled away from each other and Johnny just… I don’t really know.
He looked at me in this way and I just couldn’t take it anymore.
My hands slowly trailed up to his face to cup his cheeks. I slowly leaned in, watching his expression for any sign of discomfort, but there was none.
He leaned in too, and we kissed.
It was the most wonderful feeling in the world. It was soft and warm and passionate, his lips were perfect against mine. His hands went to grab my waist, and he pulled me closer to him as I held his face. After we pulled away from each other, he looked determined in a way I had never seen before.
“Cinna, I promise I won’t never let anyone hurt you like that ever again. I want to make you happy. Will you please let me do that for you?”
I didn’t know what to say. I felt my ears get hot.
“Johnny… I would love nothing more.”
He grinned, I grinned, and then we were laughing and crying and holding each other and it was perfect.
TIMESKIP YALL
He’s gone.
He’s dead and gone.
He promised me he’d protect me, didn’t he?
Now he’s cold and dead and in a coffin in front of me.
His skin is still fried and his eyes still have dark circles like they always do.
But this time he’s not ever opening them again.
I can’t live without you, Johnny. Wake up.
You were my first love, first kiss, first boyfriend, first intimate partner, first everything. You can’t just leave me! Your mom isn’t even here and your dad is laughing! You have to wake up and come and run away with me. Johnny Cade.
He doesn’t listen. He can’t listen.
My head hurts from sobbing in front of his body for hours. I can’t do anything without him here.
He left me all his stuff. My tent still smells like him, like smoke and wet grass. I have his jacket, his switch, his favorite outfit.
Ponyboy tries to console me. There’s no relief now. At least when he was in the hospital there was hope. There’s nothing left now. Dallas Winston and Johnny Cade are dead.
And Ponyboy still has the nerve to tell me I’ll be alright.
I sob into his arms, trying to imagine this is Johnny holding me like he did when we started dating. How he held me through sleepless nights, after rumbles, parties, every time a soc harassed me. Ponyboy had that same steadiness, so I let myself believe. I believed that this was all a bad joke and he was holding me right now and telling me that I’ll be okay.
But he wasn’t.
Ponyboy and I cried together, though he almost never cried. “Cinna… Cinna…”
He whispered my name into my ear like Johnny would when I would cry. He tightened his hold around me and after a couple of hours of crying we went to his house.
I slept on his couch, but I kept waking up from violent nightmares of the church. I watched him run in and I didn’t stop him. I let him go and now Johnny is dead.
I got up to get some water, and I saw Ponyboy in the kitchen, looking for a snack. We stared at each other for a minute.
“Do you wanna talk..?”
“Sure.”
We sat down at the dining table. We shared a bag of chips as I drank my water.
“I’m sorry about Johnny,” he said quietly, grabbing a chip.
“Why should you be sorry? You knew him longer than I ever did,” I retorted, trying to see what emotion what dancing in his eyes.
“Well, he was your boyfriend and all.”
I sighed and stared out the window. I felt Ponyboy’s eyes resting on me, but I didn’t feel creeped out like how I did when Johnny watched me back then.
I just felt content. Maybe I wanted someone to stare at me again.
We sat in comfortable silence until we finished our snack.
“Um, you can sleep in my room, if ya want. It’s kinda cold out here.”
I was surprised, but I nodded and followed him to his room. Soda wasn’t here because he had went on a drive to clear his head or whatever.
He probably just couldn’t handle remembering anything about Johnny right now. But anyway, me and Pony were alone.
Him and Soda’s beds were pushed together, most likely because of the lack of air conditioning. I sat down on Soda’s bed.
Ponyboy and Soda’s room smelled like smoke (well, all of them smoked,) and Vaseline. It was kind of nice. Johnny used crisco to slick back his hair, and I never liked the smell.
Ponyboy sat down next to me.
I leaned on him, and he let me. In a friendly way, of course… right?
Nevermind.
“Do you think you’ll actually sleep?”
“Nah. You?”
“Same.”
We stayed up all night, reading and telling stories about Johnny and the gang until we both fell asleep next to each other.
Johnny was never this talkative.
He didn’t like reading, either.
I think I like Ponyboy.
He’s nice.
Nicer than anyone ever was to me.
I woke up in his bed, I guess I must have been rolled over in my sleep. Pony was next to me, his arm around my shoulder.
This was familiar.
I ignored my sense of déjà vu and tried to fall back asleep.
A few minutes later, Darry walked in to wake Pony up, and angrily exclaimed, “PONYBOY! YOU AND CINNA TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!”
He woke with a start and told everything that happened, except for us staying up. Darry sighed in annoyance and relief.
“Good. You’d better not be doing anything I wouldn’t approve of in here.”
We laughed nervously.
Sadly, the thought was brought to my mind, and I didn’t find it disgusting… but nothing would be better than how it was with Johnny.
After all, had Pony even done that kind of stuff before? …not that I’d ask.
Darry left us to our own devices to go back to sleep. I guess he was too tired to make breakfast. I can’t judge him, I was too.
Pony glanced over at me, and I looked back. We laughed, and I immediately was hit with a wave of grief for Johnny. He would have that this was funny if it were us.
Ponyboy looked at me with concern. He looked sad now, too.
“Sorry.”
He shook his head.
“There ain’t nothing to apologize for, Cinna.”
A few seconds ago we were laughing, but now we’re crying again.
Nothing could ever compare to what we had.
Right?
I keep trying to compare him and Pony.
Why is my first reaction to try to replace him?
I’m such a jerk.
I got up, walking to the bathroom to go brush my teeth.
I couldn’t help but criticize myself. My stomach stuck out in such an unappealing way. My neck was too wide, my hair too wild, my lips too red, I looked like the spitting image of a greaser.
Someone no one would want except for sex.
I sighed and went to sit on their porch.
I looked at the box of cigarettes Johnny had left me. I didn’t smoke. My dad made me promise.
Did it really matter now? I don’t even see him anymore.
I would need a light.
I stared at them, the pack half full. Johnny had smoked these once. This is one of the only things that I had left of him.
How could he have gone so soon?
I went back inside, to find Ponyboy on the couch looking through the tapes that they had. He looked up at me and smiled, but I couldn’t help but feel guilty about being happy when Johnny’s gone. I know that he would want me to move on and find something else to make my life worth it, but I couldn’t let myself fall in love again, especially if they could just go away like he did.
I sat down next to him, a little downcast.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, and then realized the answer to his own question, looking sad as well. He picked an old video from when Johnny was 12 and he was 10 and put it on tv.
They were playing football (but letting Ponyboy win), and I could see Ponyboy’s mom cheering him on in the background. I felt kind of bad, but I didn’t want to make him feel like a baby so I didn’t say anything.
…
That night, I went back to my tent.
I stared at the gun in my hand.
Fully loaded.
I raise it up to my head.
My fingers are sweaty. My hands are weak.
I close my eyes.
My finger tightens around the trigger-
“CINNABON MYERS!”
It’s Two-bit.
I stare at him numbly.
“You’re drunk.”
He doesn’t deny it, but runs over to rip the gun out of my hand.
I let him, it falling to the ground with a loud crack.
“What the fuck!? I knew this was gonna happen, I saw you at Johnny’s funeral and I KNEW-!”
He cut himself off and shook his head. “I’m taking you to the Curtis house.”
I let Two drag me there, feeling nothing but the deep ache of disappointment in my chest.
Darry was the one who answered the door. He looked annoyed but once Two-bit told him what had happened he immediately woke up.
He pulled me inside and told me to sleep on the couch and that we’d talk in the morning.
I just felt so terrible, I couldn’t bear it, so I cried again. All I do is cry at this point.