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Dr Captain Ryland Grace’s life on the planet Erid had been uncharacteristically quiet over the past two weeks.
Well, as quiet as one can get when swarms of eager Eridians fanatically observe their every move.
There had been no attempted break-ins, no claw-machine mishaps, no sex-dolls, even the “Club Night” he had hosted that week was centred around mellow rock.
It was disconcerting.
It was simply an impossibility that this period of presumed peace would last.
Grace paced the shoreline of his biodome with anxiety, an activity he engaged in for a personal-best of 7 hours.
Coincidentally, at the end of this period Rocky was rapidly approaching Grace’s home, excited to share his latest fascination with his friend.
See, given the stability of Grace’s health, and the consequential peace that had fallen over Rocky’s life as a result, the creature finally felt he was able to fully explore the “human-thinking- machine” his friend had gifted him approximately 5 and a half years ago.
Don’t misunderstand him, he had used the laptop. Thoroughly scoured it for information in a desperate effort to save his friend.
He had scavenged desperately for any inkling of a solution, working tirelessly whilst Grace shrunk to nothing next to him.
Each day, growing thinner, sharper, quieter.
Each day, drifting further away from him.
Thus, Rocky was eager to share his newfound recreational intentions with Grace.
Grace, however, was so absorbed in the anxiety of this uncharacteristic peace that he barely registered Rocky’s plans.
“Rocky is going to look through the Googolplex platform on Human-Think-Machine. Is stupid name. Think-Machine is not infinite. Finite. Nothing added in 12 years.”
“Yeah bud, just a metaphor” Grace said absentmindedly, focused on the pseudo-horizon line of the dome.
“Rocky shares what he finds with Grace.”
“Hmm? What was that? Oh, sure.” He kicked the sand with his foot.
“Grace is being stupid. Come. Rocky will watch Grace sleep.”
Grace, who knew far better than to put up a fight, trudged after Rocky.
It was as he was slowly drifting into the soft warmth of sleep that his mind finally caught up to what Rocky planned to do.
Alas, Grace was exhausted, and instead of warning his friend next to him that humans were perverted creatures– more perverted than Eridians, more perverted, even, than Rocky himself– Grace only managed to produce a whined “bleh” as he drifted off to sleep.
Rocky had quickly found himself delving through the tantalising cesspool that was the internet. Or the archived version of it, at least. God knows what humanity has become since then.
Rocky had begun, somewhat self-centeredly, by researching all animals that Grace had compared him to.
The list includes the following:
- Spiders: a comparison Rocky was proud of, especially once he found out the whole “small, but deadly” shtick they had going on.
- Crabs: this was a less complimentary comparison. Especially as he had first found himself on the Wikipedia page for the STI Pediculosis pubis, and then the crustacean.
- Octopus: this had occurred when Rocky attempted the Mexican Wave using four of his limbs, balancing on one. A performance that was so impressive the Eridian public had constructed a permanent art installation inside the Centre for Human-Eridian Friendship honouring it.
It was upon researching the “octopus” that Rocky found himself intrigued by the notion of tentacles, and began a deep-dive into the strange limbs.
He also stumbled upon humanity’s fascination with the strange limbs.
Rocky considered his sleeping friend next to him, it seemed that humanity wished for aliens to engage in tentacle based intercourse with them.
Rocky deflated, he had failed Grace.
Not only could he not engage in intercourse with him, he lacked tentacles.
Rocky would have to inform Grace that he was unable to appeal to the cultural norms of humanity once his friend awoke.
Luckily, the website he was on provided him with a comprehensive insight into the deviant desires of humanity. Rocky shuddered happily, it truly ruled.
Grace awoke slowly, stretching his limbs like an old cat and enjoying the quiet zest for life one achieves after a good nap.
Grace then remembered what exactly he had realised as he fell asleep, and shot up like a man possessed.
He nervously turned toward Rocky, who was sitting patiently next to his bed.
“Is Grace’s brain awake, question? Rocky has bad news.”
It had finally happened, something had disturbed the peace.
Strangely, Grace felt calm, reassured, even.
Well, at least there weren’t any psychoanalysts on Erid to dissect that.
“Hey… Rock. I’m awake. What did you find out?” he asked nervously.
Rocky placed a xenonite covered claw comfortingly on Grace’s arm.
“Eridian ovipositor is not like a tentacle.” he informed.
Grace flushed.
“No, no. I remember putting in the anatomy diagram in the logs.”
“Skin cannot touch.”
Grace had a horrible feeling as to where this was going.
“Rocky cannot fulfil human cultural fantasy of aliens.”
Grace squeaked.
“I don’t have any sort of fantasy!” he cried.
“Grace is not interested in 触手責め, question? Rocky was already preparing a silicone based supplement.”
Grace screamed.
“God! No! First the sex doll, now this?”
Grace fled the awkward situation, running out of his house.
Unfortunately, Rocky followed.
“There is no shame, Grace. Rocky will open up about ♬♪♩♭ fantasy to make Grace feel welcome”
Grace reached the shoreline.
“Nope, nope, nope. Don’t want to hear that.”
Rocky continued.
“Fantasy involves large, large creature with strong, built carapace. Like Adrian!
Creature will restrain Rocky–”
Grace, to escape Rocky, threw himself into his ocean.
Grace-watchers outside his dome, at the Centre for Human-Eridian Friendship, were abuzz with energy, finally, they were witnessing a human display of swimming.
Rocky tried to follow Grace by crawling across the floor of the ocean.
Meanwhile, Grace continued his evasion by floating on his back, out of Rocky’s reach.
Rocky returned to the shoreline, and calmly requested.
“Beloved, please drain the ocean.”
Grace was sheepishly lowered to the ground as the water of his biodome slowly disappeared through the filter.
Rocky dragged the wet, pathetic Grace by the arm back to his house, grumbling in low melodic tones the entire way.
“So” Grace began.
“You found the internet.”
“Correct.”
“You’ve been surfing the web” Grace admitted.
“Rocky is not engaging in watersports.”
Grace paused.
“What?”
“Rocky is not surfing. Rocky is researching human culture.”
“Oh, gotcha, yeah, that one has a double meaning buddy.” Grace, the fool, replied.
“Excite! Rocky research term.”
“No. No. Don’t do that.”
Alas, Rocky does not listen to Grace, already having opened the laptop.
Rocky paused.
For once, completely still. No limb tapping, carapace shaking, or swaying.
Rocky closed the laptop.
With judgement, he proclaimed:
“Humans are disgust, disgust, disgust.”
“That we are bud, that we are.”
After the tentacles and the watersports, Grace had decided the best approach to Rocky’s unrestricted internet access was the “not my problem” approach.
This worked swimmingly for two days, wherein Rocky was completely absorbed in the device during his visits, and Grace found himself spending more time outside to avoid Rocky.
Unfortunately, Rocky discovered a particular corner of the internet and began to request his friend’s presence frequently.
“Grace, what colour would Rocky be, question?”
“What are the options?”
“Pink, green, cyan, blue, blacklikemysoul, yellow.”
“Black like my soul?” Grace questioned.
“Yes, that is what is written.”
“God, Rocky, are you on BuzzFeed?”
“Yes, they are going to guess Rocky’s zodiac sign.”
“You don’t have a zodiac, our year calendar is completely different.”
“Rocky has a favourite.”
“Oh! Which one?”
“Rocky not telling.
Which colour, question?”
“Cyan.” Grace groaned.
“Fun fact for Grace, if Rocky was an animal Rocky would be a Zebra because he is bold, unique, and stands out from the crowd.”
“That’s great bud.” Grace said, standing to leave.
“Grace, don’t leave. Rocky needs to know which 'Friends' character he is.”
“You’ve seen Friends, you can do this yourself.”
“Need Grace’s opinion, is Rocky more of a chicken or a peacock?”
Grace sighed.
“Peacock. Definitely peacock.”
Adrian too, was not immune to Rocky’s latest obsession, and had approached Grace in hopes of banding together a defence against his addiction.
“I love my mate, but he has become addicted to that quiz platform. I am falling asleep, and he asks “beloved, am I sweet or savoury, question?” I am waking up, and he asks “beloved, am I a coffee or a tea person, question?”
Grace nodded in sympathy
“Tell me about it, he never talks to me anymore, only asks me questions.”
“We need to stop him.”
Thus, the Rocky BuzzFeed intervention was conceived.
The plan went as follows:
Adrian would distract Rocky by fulfilling his ♬♪♩♭ fantasy.
Whilst this occurred, Grace would set parental controls on the laptop, and ban BuzzFeed entirely.
Grace considered the laptop concerningly.
There were… so many tabs open.
Hundreds, mostly BuzzFeed, a few WikiPedia pages, a few porn websites.
Grace navigated to the settings of the laptop, and blessedly, filtered out results including “BuzzFeed”
Peace, at last.
Adrian and Grace were fools to believe that Rocky was a stoppable force.
“Grace corrupted the think-machine. Grace will fix now.”
“No.”
“Fine. Rocky find new interest.”
And find a new interest he did.
Rocky approached Grace.
“Grace, look at Rocky’s artwork.”
“You’ve been drawing? That’s great, Rock!
Just let me grab my glasses– oh my god. That’s porn.”
“Yes, before Rocky only read erotica, now? Rocky’s mind has been opened.”
“That’s… great bud.”
“Many thanks.”
Grace turned to leave.
“Rocky draws Grace an artwork now.”
“No, no. You don’t have to do that. Maybe keep it for Adrian.”
“Yes, yes. Rocky make Grace a self-insert artwork with this man that Grace called hot three and a half years ago.” he turned the laptop toward Grace.
“Three and a half years ago… that would’ve been what? 20 weeks into the journey, which was... the YouTube phase! Which person did I–
Fudge. That’s Markiplier.”
“Rocky draw now. Grace should make a special art gallery just for Rocky artworks.”
Grace began to receive a variety of artworks from Rocky, who was increasing in his artistic ability at an exponential rate.
“No. Give this to Adrian.”
“Okay” Rocky said sadly.
He decompressed his carapace, and hobbled away slowly.
“Come back. Fine. I’ll take it.”
“Amaze!” Rocky cried, returning the image to Grace.
Grace added it to an ever-growing pile of erotic drawings composed by Rocky. Why, of all the creatures in the universe, did Grace run into a pervert.
Said pervert was happily chittering about his next plans on the Human-Thinking-Machine.
Grace sighed, well Rocky couldn’t do anything worse that this, he supposed.
He could do worse.
A lot worse.
“Rocky find Grover Cleveland Middle School website. Found Grace's school photo”
Grace considered the picture, his greasy side swept fringe, his collar too high on his neck, his face cleanly shaven. He groaned, dragging his hands down his face.
“Sent it to the Centre to share with the public.”
Grace gasped.
“Why?” He cried.
“Interested in human teaching profession.”
Grace, to his despair, was powerless to stop the proliferation of his school ID, which now had its very own magnet in the gift shop.
Later, however, Rocky approached him.
“Rocky found something else on the Grover Cleveland Website.”
Grace sighed,
“Lay it on me, couldn’t be worse than that photo.”
Rocky turned around the laptop.
“Was published the morning of the launch.”
It was his class.
A picture of them, they stood in his classroom, as bright and colourful as he remembers it to be. Their smiling faces filled with life, their hands clutched around a banner that read:
“Good luck Mr Grace!”
He felt his eyes grow hot with tears, his hands trembled as he took the laptop.
He let out a shaking breath.
“It’s them. My kids.”
Rocky scuttled over, placing his carapace against Grace’s body.
Grace shook with silent cries that trapped themselves at the edge of his throat.
He breathed, trembling, short, and deep. The kind of breath that brings a horrible, raspy wheeze with it.
He ran his hands tightly over his thighs.
Then draped himself over his best friend, who held him as he sobbed.
Sobbed with grief. Sobbed with guilt.
Sobbed with the painful echo of the love he had found on Earth, love that had followed him, inexplicably, across the stars.
“Thank you, Rock.” He whispered, hoarse and weak.
“No need for thanking.” Rocky replied softly
“It makes Grace happy, of course Rocky will do it.”