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Scar
Bad night. Bad day. Bad nights. Bad days. Bad weeks. He didn't remember the last time he was ok or that he did ok. Grian was frustrated at him for one thing or another. There wasn't a time he wasn't frustrated.
It’s my fault, honestly, he thought as he took a pill. And my stupid, dysfunctional brain. He took two more. I don't deserve Grian. Three more. I don't deserve anyone. Then four. Then more. He lost count. He dumped the rest of the bottle into his hand and took them all without a second thought.
He grabbed a piece of paper, hastily scribbling down, ‘I’m sorry for everything. Maybe now you’ll be free.’
He texted Grian, ‘I love you.’ No response, but it was alright. Grian never responded.
Before he laid down, he sent Cub a message as well. That way somebody might find his body in the morning. All it said was ‘Goodbye.’
He laid down in his bed, closing his eyes. Scar had a good feeling it would be for the final time.
Cub
Cub was up late, working on a new experiment, when he received a text from Scar.
<Goodtimewithscar> Goodbye
<Cubfam135> ?
<Cubfan135> Where are you going?
<Cubfan135> Scar?
Cub knew Scar was not doing well. He was isolating himself and apologizing constantly. He tried his best to support him, but Scar was very insistent he was fine. Cub figured if he needed anything, he would come ask. He always had.
The text was worrying, though.
<Cubfan135> Scar, I need you to respond right now.
Cub waited, staring at the screen. He probably just misclicked. It’s fine. But there was still an off feeling in his gut. He decided it wasn’t worth the risk. He strapped his elytra on, grabbed a first aid kit, and shot off towards his base.
He landed at the entrance of the train car, calling out, “Scar? Are you ok?” Nothing.
He let himself inside, turning on his comm’s flashlight. He saw Scar laying on his bed, seemingly sleeping. Cub walked over and nudged him gently. “Scar?” No reaction at all. It’s fine, he sleeps deeply anyways. He paused, noticing a slip of paper. He picked it up, deciphering Scar’s messy hand writing.
‘I’m sorry for everything. Maybe now you’ll be free.’
He read it again. And again. Wishing that the words didn’t mean what he feared.
Then he saw the empty pill bottle.
No, this can't be happening.
He shoved the note into his pocket, then shook Scar harder.
“Scar? Scar! Are you awake, please!”
Still no response. Cub grabbed his wrist, checking for a pulse. He found one. Scar’s fingertips were starting to turn blue. He grabbed the pill bottle, shining his flashlight on it. It was labelled codeine.
Cub dropped to the ground and pulled out the first aid kit, praying it had naloxone. Rifled through it, scattering the contents everywhere. He found a dose, quickly administering it to Scar.
Then he waited. He heard Scar’s breathing steady, the ragged breathing becoming gentle snores. He watched the red return to his hands.
Cub sat down on the side of the bed, letting himself relax.
Scar
Scar awoke to gentle sun through the windows. He groaned, pushing himself up. He looked down at his hands, then touched his face. He was alive. Fuck. He thought he took enough. Stupid. You can’t do anything right- His thoughts were cut off by a voice.
“Good morning, Scar,” Cub said. Scar looked up, seeing him sitting against a wall. Though his voice was steady, his eyes were red and puffy.
Scar stared at him, inhaling sharply. His mouth opened to say something, but nothing came out.
“Are you ok?” Cub asked.
Scar nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine.” Scar knew Cub could tell that he was lying. “Why are you here?”
“I needed to make sure you were safe. Your message scared me.”
“Sorry,” Scar muttered, turning to the side. "I wasn't trying to scare you. I just thought it would be better this way."
“Don’t apologize, please. I’d rather have you alive, even if that means I have to save you.”
Liar. You know I'd be better off dead.
“You matter to me. A lot,” Cub continued. Scar didn't know how to respond, just adjusting himself to sit upright. Cub sighed, standing up and sitting next to Scar on the bed.
“How can I help you?” he asked.
Scar shrugged, “I don't know.” I don't want help. Just let me die.
“How many times have you, uh, tried?” Cub asked.
Scar exhaled, whispering, “Six times. Seven including this. Most of them weren't very good though.”
“Devs, Scar,” Cub muttered.
“It's been over the span of a few months. It started a little after Grian and I became official.”
“Have you talked to him about it?”
Scar laughed a little under his breath, replying, "I've tried. He doesn't listen. Sometimes he gets mad.”
“Why on earth is he getting mad?” Cub asked, eyebrows furrowing a little.
“Says I'm a waste of time,” Scar paused, looking up out the window, then adding, “It's not like he's wrong. I'm terrible at everything.”
“What do you mean? You're fantastic at so many things.”
“I get stuck in death loops, I lose things constantly, I can't remember anything. And sometimes I have nightmares and that wakes Grian up or I don't read him right. I complain too much about consequences. Like I cried last time he went out with someone even though it was because I didn't do enough.”
Cub stared for a moment, then stated, “You’re allowed to do all of that. None of those make you worth anything less.”
“Part of me believes that. It always makes me hesitate. That part still wants to live. Well, I guess a lot of me still wants to live, just most of me knows it’d be selfish. I really love it here. I love being a hermit,” Scar said. Tears were starting to well up in his eyes. “Sorry for crying,” he muttered. "I don't want to waste your time."
“I promise, I'm not going to get mad at you," Cub promised. "You're allowed to feel everything you're feeling now. It's ok."
"That's what Grian says, too," Scar mumbled. "He never means it, though."
Cub paused for a moment before asking, "Has Grian been treating you right? Everything's seemed a bit off since you two have gotten together."
Scar shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. He treats me how I deserve to be treated. I understand why he yells at me. I should've learned by now that I'm not allowed to be mad or anxious or anything other than happy."
Cub furrowed his brow, his demeanor shifting slightly from curious to worried.
"When was the last time he was there when you needed to cry?"
"I mean, he's always there, but he always tells me to stop and that I shouldn't."
"No," Cub corrected him, "I mean, when was the last time he was there for you? Not for himself or to make you stop, but for you?"
Scar paused. It was never really something he thought about. By now, he was used to the silence between them, how the only thing he was allowed to be was happy, perfect Scar. He never thought about how real relationships should be.
"I don't know," he admitted quietly, avoiding eye contact with Cub. He wasn't used to people caring about him. He didn't know that was even a thing they could do. Was he not just something to make other people happy? Why would they care about him?
Scar forced back sobs that were beginning to swell up in his throat. He would not, could not, cry. Not in front of Cub, or Grian, or anyone.
“You can cry here, I promise,” Cub swore. The tears built up more and more in Scar’s eyes. Cub reached out, bringing Scar gently into a hug.
The tears surfaced as soon as Cub pulled him in. They started quietly, just small, choked tears, but quickly grew.
He broke, sobbing into Cub’s shoulder. Contrary to his expectations, Cub did not shout or hit him; instead, he held Scar gently, allowing him to cry.
"He s-scares me," Scar choked out quietly, his voice shaking. "I d-don't…."
"Shh, hey, you're ok," Cub murmured. He didn't force Scar away or tell him that he was being dramatic. He was actually allowing him to feel.
"You can cry for as long as you need," Cub assured him. "I'm here for you.”
After a few minutes, Scar looked up at Cub and asked, “W-what am I going to tell him?”
Cub
“You don't have to tell him anything, actually,” Cub responded.
“But he'll b-be so mad!” Scar replied, his eyes widening, “No, no, I have to tell him I’m alive or else he’ll come over here and he’ll be m-mad at you and that would be bad.”
“I can handle him being mad at me.”
“But I also don't want him to be w-worried,” Scar continued, reaching for his comm.
Cub stopped him. “I'll message the server chat, ok?” Cub grabbed his own comm and typed out a message. He showed it to Scar, who nodded hesitantly.
cubfan135: If any of you guys got a spook last night about Scar, don't worry, he’s alright.
Geminitay: wait I didn't hear anything is everything ok do you need help
cubfan135: He's perfectly fine. If he wants to explain you can ask him about it later. For now I’ve got everything handled, but if I need help I’ll reach out
Geminitay: ok
Cub was about to set his comm down again when he heard a buzz from Grian messaging him privately. Scar read it over his shoulder.
Grian: what did you do to Scar
Grian: where is he
cubfan135: not your problem
“I sh-should go. I have to f-find Grian,” Scar said, standing up, “If I g-go to him fast maybe he won't be as m-mad.”
“You don't have to go,” Cub replied.
“But I love him,” Scar insisted, his shaky hand on the door.
“Scar, please-”
Scar opened the door. Grian was standing on the other side. Cub watched Scar curl in on himself, like he was trying to be as unthreatening as possible. On the other hand, Grian’s wings were fluffed up behind him and one of his hands was clenched in a fist. Scar was staring wide eyed at his balled hand. He didn't move out of the way before it hit him in the side of his face.
“What the hell did you do?” Grian yelled, storming inside. Scar backed up until his back was against the wall. “You're scaring people! You're stressing everyone out and over what? What was this even for?”
“I-I was trying to get r-rid of myself,” Scar started to explain. Cub sat frozen, watching the exchange.
“Again? You're not very good at it, are you?”
“N-no, I'm s-sorry, I-m sorry,” Scar stuttered. He was staring down at Grian’s hands again, watching them tighten to throw more punches.
The idea of watching Scar get hurt again by the man who was supposed to love him was enough to snap Cub out of it. He stormed over and put himself between Grian and Scar.
“Stop it,” he demanded, pushing Grian away from Scar.
“This isn't your problem,” Grian responded.
“I said stop it. Leave,” Cub repeated, glaring down at Grian. He stepped forward again, forcing Grian back.
“No, I'm have to make sure Scar doesn't pull this bullshit again.”
“Listen to me, Grian. I am going to ask one more time. Go, now. Fly away or I will make sure you will never fly again,” Cub commanded, letting his eyes flash with vex magic.
Cub watched it click in Grian's head; he wasn't joking. The anger in his eyes was replaced with fear. He backed up, then took off.
Cub exhaled, adjusted his glasses, and turned back to Scar. He had slid down to the floor, where he was hyperventilating and running his fingers over where Grian hit him.
“Scar?” Cub asked, kneeling down, “Are you ok?”
“I c-can’t keep doing this, Cub. I can't keep g-going. I'm not strong e-enough. I c-can't be enough for him,” Scar choked out, not meeting Cub's eyes. “He deserves so m-much better than me.”
“Scar-”
“And I am s-such a fucking coward. I'm so s-scared all the time and I can't keep going like that. I can't, I can't…” Scar paused, then pushed himself up. “I need my pills. I n-need to actually fucking do something right.”
Cub stood up, putting himself in between Scar and any bottles by his bed.
“Please, don't. I promise you that that wouldn't be right. Nearly everyone here cares about you.”
“Nobody-”
“Scar, listen to me. If you can, Listen,” Cub pleaded. Scar closed his eyes, hopefully Listening. “You're the kindest, funniest, most genuine person I've ever met. Your builds are like no other. You light up any room you walk into. From the bottom of my heart, I want to do everything I can to keep you alive because you make the world a better place and I don't want to face it without you.”
Scar’s ears twitched. A second or two after Cub stopped talking, he opened his eyes. They were no longer searching desperately for danger. He took a deep breath, then whispered, “I don't want to die.”
“That's good. That's important.”
“Will you help me, please? I…I don't think I can keep myself alive on my own,” Scar asked.
“Absolutely,” Cub replied.