Work Text:
Joel
It wasn't his fault, necessarily. Part of him knew that, or at least wanted to. It was the fault of the magic of the server, playing in every time he spoke. That's what he hoped it was.
However, it wasn't fun, by any means. Despite how much he jeered and joked, he never wanted to hurt anyone, especially Jimmy. Part of him died every time he saw Jimmy’s eyes dart to the side after a mean comment. He was really starting to fear that he was doing damage.
And he was a god, this time around, which meant that he was wearing a tunic. He had too much skin showing for his normal process of dealing with guilt.
His solution was to do it once every week or two, in one big round, then reset right after. So far, it had worked, and he hadn't even had to waste time on bandages.
Now Joel sat on his bedroom floor, the light from a lantern and the 2 am moon reflecting off the knife in his hands. He took a deep breath, dragging it across his skin. The first cuts were always the hardest.
Blood started to fill the cuts. He paused, then dug deeper into his bicep. Blood started to trickle down.
Relief washed over him for just a moment. Maybe now, with a small stream of blood dripping down his arm, he was free. But the things he had done wrong over the last few weeks crept up on him. False rolling her eyes and muttering about a joke he made one too many times. Jimmy stared at him blankly as words calling him something below a person spilled out of his mouth.
He cut the knife even harder. He felt the cold iron slice through his flesh, making a kind of ripping sound as it went. The gash it left was really starting to bleed, so he did more. Over and over, until one arm was covered. Then he moved on to his other arm, his legs, and his chest. Every so often he would pause and doubt himself, but then he would remind himself that there was always more to repent for.
By the time he finished, most of his body was leaking blood. He lay on the floor, staring up at the high ceiling. It was nights like these when he wished he was dead. He wasn't doing bad enough yet for that to be an issue, but every time he made his friends sad he got closer. And closer.
He shook the thoughts out of his head. Now wasn't the time. He needed to death reset so he could make it to a meeting tomorrow. He pushed himself up, paused for his vision to return, then stumbled to the edge of Stratos.
Jimmy
Jimmy and Joel had not been on the best of terms this season, by which Jimmy meant that Joel kept beating him down and Jimmy hated him. As the characters they were playing at least. In theory. In actuality it was getting more serious. Not like an object deserves feelings, though.
Tonight, Jimmy wanted some petty revenge. He intended to build up enough hill to ground Stratos. That's how he found himself at Joel’s base at around 2:30 in the morning.
He was marking out an outline by the light of his comm when he heard a thump from behind.
He turned around, finding Joel laying in a heap on the ground. There were cuts all over his limbs and torso, all seeping golden blood. He groaned weakly, but didn't move.
Jimmy stared for a moment, hesitating. Leave him, his mind whispered. He blinked, then ran over anyways, kneeling down.
“Hey, Joel? Can you talk to me?” Jimmy asked, his eyes flicking to just how many cuts there were.
Joel groaned again, then muttered, “Need to r… respawn.”
“I- ok,” he responded, standing up and drawing his axe. He swung down, cutting clean through his head. Joel’s body disappeared in a puff of smoke.
He put the axe away, then flew up to the top of Stratos. He ran into Joel's bedroom and intended to cross to the bed Joel was lying on, but paused when his shoes slipped a little on the ground. He looked down, seeing a pool of blood. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
“Hey,” Joel said, interrupting Jimmy’s thoughts. He was sitting on the edge of the bed now. “What are you doing here?”
“Joel! You just fell out of the sky bleeding!” Jimmy replied with indignation, stepping out for the pool of blood.
“I know. I mean why are you still here?” he asked.
“Because I needed to make sure you were ok.”
“You don't need to. I don't deserve it. I keep hurting you,” said Joel. Guilt for almost leaving him curled in his chest.
“That's not-” he started, but cut himself off. Joel wasn't lying. Jimmy was hurt. He has a good reason though. “It really doesn't matter.”
“Yeah, it does.”
Jimmy sat down next to Joel, his wings brushing Joel’s arm. Joel gasped, grabbing it.
“How badly were you hurt?” Jimmy asked, eyebrows furrowing. That much residual damage wasn't healthy.
Joel shrugged. “It will be better for both of us if you just drop it.”
“No, now I’ve got to know. What did you do?”
“I, um, I cut myself pretty badly. You know, like I used to do a while ago. Except a lot more cuts,” he answered, looking down.
“Why? You know you're not alone, right? You can talk to us.”
“Well, with the whole god thing this season I can't really cover up cuts so I have to do it all at once every week or so.”
“Ok, but why are you hurting yourself?”
“Like I said, because I keep hurting you guys. It's the goddamn server magic, I hate it,” Joel responded.
“There isn't a single person on this server that thinks you deserve that, I promise,” said Jimmy.
“But I’ve seen the damage! I keep hearing people talk about me and they hate me. And you, Jimmy. I've been paying attention. At first you took the comments as jokes but now you don't even fake a smile. You just look away and bite your lip and try to pretend like nothing’s wrong. And you're not eating as much, either.
“I'm just so fucking mad at myself for doing this to everyone, but especially you. I can't stop hurting other people, so I have to hurt myself too.”
Jimmy didn't know what to do. He wanted to give Joel a hug, but he couldn't because he was still hurt, despite the respawn. Instead, he stood up, stepping over the blood pool, and walked over to Joel's storage in the corner.
“Do you have healing potions? Golden apples?” he asked.
“I think so? Try the middle right chest. Yeah, that one,” Joel answered.
Jimmy fished out a regeneration potion and tossed it over to Joel. “Drink,” Jimmy ordered.
Joel
“Will you do me a favor and grab yourself something to eat too?” Joel requested.
“You don't need to worry about that. Please just drink the potion. You're worrying me,” Jimmy deflected.
Joel dug his fingers into his arms. “Please, don’t make me.” He didn't want to let the pain go.
“I need you to. We don't know what else maybe went wrong with respawning. I need to make sure you're safe,” he paused, then added, “and I’ll call Lizzie if I have to.”
Joel's eyes widened. “Don't.”
“If I have to, I will. I'm trying to keep you safe.”
“Fine! If you're gonna bring her into this I'll tell her you're not eating,” Joel snapped back. That wasn't what he meant to say.
“That's not-”
“What? Important? You're right, it's not. And it's not like it's working anyways. You’re not even pretty.” Fucking stupid stupid stupid. Why can't you fucking control yourself? “Stupid toy.”
He felt the server magic fade from his voice. “Devs, Jimmy, I’m sorry I didn't mean that,” he said, trying to fix anything, but the damage was already done. Jimmy stared at him for a second, then looked away, biting his cheek.
“No, it's fine, it's true,” Jimmy muttered.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, devs Jimmy I'm so sorry, he repeated over and over again. He wished he could protect Jimmy, but how could he when he was the danger.
“I'm…I'm gonna go,” he said. He walked outside, flinching a little at the steps pulling at his skin. He stopped, sitting down at the edge of a platform.
Maybe. Maybe I could… No, it wouldn't be permanent. Damn it. Hurt Jimmy and you can't even get rid of yourself. Devs, maybe. I could always do something else. Maybe meds-
His thoughts were cut off by Jimmy sitting down next to him.
“Are you alright?” Jimmy asked, not quite meeting his eyes. There were fresh tear stains on his face.
“I should be asking you that,” Joel said, laughing to himself a little, “I'm sorry for what I said. I know it doesn't make it ok, but the server kinda warped my words. I didn't…didn't mean to say any of that. I'm really sorry.”
“It's ok, you don't have to apologize.”
“I do. I need to make sure you understand that there is nothing wrong with you. And I'm sorry if I ever make you feel like there is.”
“I… Thank you. Thank you,” Jimmy responded.
“Is there anything I can do to help you feel better after I say something bad?”
“Maybe just let me know that it was the server. I think that's a start, at least,” he replied.
“Ok, yeah. I can definitely do that,” Joel agreed. Maybe I can fix something. After a moment, he added, “I’m also really sorry you had to see everything back there.”
“I'm not mad about that, I swear. Actually I brought the potion for you back out.”
“I'm not gonna-”
Jimmy put up a finger, cutting him off, “I was hoping that if I ate something, you would drink the potion. I'm only going to eat if you drink it though.”
Joel sighed.
“Come on, please. I don't want to eat, but I know you want me to, and I want to keep you safe. Help me help both of us,” Jimmy finished, holding out the potion.
Joel took it, uncorking the bottle and sipping on it while Jimmy ate a golden apple. He felt the pain fade away.
Maybe I can get through this.