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It's strange. As a child, you always think it's more fun to be an adult, but as an adult you know in a lot of ways that childhood was more fun. Or at least, that was what most children's movies led Tony to believe.
Tony couldn't say that his life had ever emulated that. Oh his first few years were mostly idyllic. He didn't really remember the first few years of his life, but his mother, father, and even some of the extended family had told him stories that made it clear that it was a lot better than the more painful years that he remembered more clearly.
The first time he remembered it being brought up, he was probably about four and his mother and him were alone in the house. Tony had no idea where Senior was, at the time, but knowing what he did now the man was probably off working some business deal. There were probably servants around, but they weren't in the room with them.
Tony had been pestering her with lots of questions as he'd recently heard an adult talking about the amount of moula they'd be making soon and Tony had thought it sounded cool and wanted to know how you made such things and what moula was. His mother hadn't been impressed with his many questions and had sighed, "I missed the years when you were first born. You were such a quiet child and so happy."
"I'm happy now, Mamma," Tony protested.
"I know, Tonio." She reached out and ruffled his hair. "But it's not the same."
"Tell me what it was like, Mamma?"
"A few years before you were born, Tonio, I met a man at a high class party. He was very handsome and very charming."
"Was that papà?"
"Yes, my dear boy, that was your papà. We were married almost a year later and shortly after that I got pregnant with you. It was a surprise for us both, but I was so happy. I couldn't wait for you to be born."
"But papà didn't want me?"
"Oh no, Tonio, never doubt that. Your papà loves you. He wanted you. He was just surprised and it messed up one of his business deals, but he loves you."
"Ok, Mamma. What happened after that?"
"Well your papà waited on me as he grew bigger with you inside me, having the servants attend to my every need. Then you were born and you were just so cute and you needed me so much. The servants helped as much as they could, of course, but the bulk of your care fell to me, Tonio. You were such a sweet baby, sleeping all the time and all my friends adored you. When you woke up, you were always smiling unless you were hungry or needed changing. It was great."
"When did that change?"
"Oh, It was probably once you started talking. You were always so curious and asking the most inopportune questions. My friends didn't find you cute anymore. Around that time, your papà's business dealings also started to take a turn for the worse. Before that he'd been so successful, but for some reason every venture he tried started falling through and money became tighter and tighter. We had to start selling stuff and even let the servants go, but you were still so happy. I don't know how you did it, Tonio."
"I love you, Mamma. It's that simple."
"Oh, Tonio." She whispered and kissed him softly on the forehead. "I love you too."
At the time, Tony hadn't understood what his mother was really saying. He didn't understand about papà or why things changed for Mamma. He'd told her the only answer he had for why he was so happy and at the time he was. He didn't have any problems and he hadn't yet realized how unhappy his parents both were.
Tony's early memory was spotty, but the few happy memories always involved his mother. He remembered her singing and playing the piano and smiling. Once he'd gotten old enough to be left alone without getting into too much trouble he would happily listen to her as she sang. She had a beautiful voice and her music was wonderful, though he enjoyed it far less when she had her friends over. She always insisted on dressing him in outfits that without fail were very uncomfortable. Supposedly, he looked cute, but he never understood how, at least not at that age. The best moments though were when she cuddled with him on the couch and they watched movies together, though those occurrences grew less and less frequent as he got older.
There'd been one memorable time where she'd called him Antonio Dante DiNozzo and he'd burst into tears. Mamma never got upset with him. Not long after that he'd asked her why she called him Tonio when Papà only ever called him Junior.
"Because you're my Tonio. Papà is my Tony, after all. Papà takes pride in you being named after him which is why he calls you Junior. Your full name is Anthony Dante DiNozzo, but I always found the Italian versions prettier, hence Antonio or Tonio for short."
Tony was still a bit too young to understand, but he nodded sagely like he'd seen papà do sometimes. Not long after that conversation, though, something changed. He never knew what until much later in his life. She started to drink more and while she still played the piano and sang, her answers to his questions started to make less and less sense. She still tried to take care of him, but it was like she wasn't there and was just going through the motions.
Her songs were more melancholic and sad. She seemed to mourn her husband even though he was still alive. Heck, she'd even drank his sea monkeys one time. That's why Tony first started feeling neglected, but he didn't realize how abnormal it was. Sure, it was a change from his previous memories, but whenever he asked anyone what was going on they just told him this was normal.
He believed them. After all, he had nothing else to compare it to. It was a few more years before he was old enough to start meeting other kids his age and exchanging stories of their lives at school. By the time he was old enough for kindergarten, the mansion was practically silent.
His parents hardly talked unless it was to coordinate whether the mansion was free to use for whatever event they were hosting. They'd long since let go of all servants, only hiring help when needed to look wealthier than they were. Meals were sparse and the only thing Tony ever had to look forward to was the occasional after-event show where his mother would join him on the couch, curling around him and telling him how well behaved he was and how he was such a good boy. Those were the most prominent happy memories he had after the age of five.
It was still many years before he realized how abnormal his life really was. During kindergarten and first grade, it still seemed normal as no one really talked about their home life. They were too busy playing with blocks and other things.
He had wondered why he was never allowed to go to anyone's house or have anyone over, but his mother had shushed him and told him she was just keeping him safe whatever that meant. He just assumed that there was something wrong with those kids, though he didn't know what. After all, he was allowed to play with his cousins and any business associate's kids, so he had no idea what was different about the school kids. He chalked it up to his parents being weird and hoped he would become an adult soon so he could do whatever he wanted.
"Uncle Clive always liked me best," his mother would say sometimes, her gaze far away. Tony could tell she wasn't really in the room with him.
He'd been excited when his mother told him they were going to go visit Uncle Clive and the other Paddingtons. He was extremely disappointed. Not only was travelling not near as much fun as the movies made it out to be, but once they arrived all that happened was the adults stood around stiffly. He'd asked his mother about it, but she'd told him not to worry and that it was just adult stuff. It was pretty weird adult stuff in Tony's book.
The day he realized just how different he was, was also his eighth birthday and the same day his mother died. Up until then, he'd been mostly her responsibility. Sure, Senior would interact with him at times and ask him how school was, but not much more than that. At best, Senior would ask him to play nicely with some other business partner's kid while the adults discussed important things. Tony had listened-in a few times and he didn't understand why it was important. It sounded boring to him.
The first few days after his mother's death, Tony never knew what way was up. He'd gotten used to dressing the way his mother expected him to, but he'd tried that and Senior had yelled so loud at him that Tony thought the house was on fire or something, but apparently it was just that his clothes were unacceptable. Tony tried to explain that this was how his mother always dressed him, but Senior didn't care. When Tony had burst into tears because he didn't understand what Senior wanted, it had only led to more yelling.
That was when he started slipping through cracks, though it wasn't exactly on purpose. It just started happening, now that Senior was his only guardian. At first, he tried to go to school as normal, but then there was no one to pick him up most days and the school got concerned. Somehow this was his fault and Senior yelled at him again. After that, his father sent him away to boarding school to keep him out of trouble.
Tony still didn't know what he'd done wrong, but the man his mother had described as his papà either never existed or ceased to exist after her death. Tony really had no way to tell which had happened. He hardly knew the man and Senior seemed quite happy to keep it that way. Anything Senior disapproved of, had a way of disappearing unless Tony found a safe place to hide it.
He only came home for the holidays a few times. After that, he did his best to avoid coming home. The mansion lacked his mother and was absolutely devoid of anything she'd liked. He missed her something fierce and really just wanted her back and for things to go back to normal, but he knew that would never happen.
At one point, he'd gotten it into his head that he just needed to make Senior pay attention to him and then he would start to see Tony the way Mamma had. This led to him getting thrown out of a number of boarding schools, which had gotten Senior's attention but not in a good way. So the next few holidays he went home with a friend. Senior didn't seem to care, so long as the man wasn't being asked to clean up after him.
Tony absolutely hated it. He wanted his mother back and he was determined to make Senior care about him. Unfortunately, no matter what he tried it didn't seem to make a damn bit of difference. Papà was gone and he wasn't coming back.
Tony sometimes fantasized that the Paddingtons would come and rescue him from his father. He remembered the stories that Mamma had told about Uncle Clive and he just knew that living with them would be better. Assuming any of them even remembered his existence enough to seek him out.
Nothing good ever seemed to last in his life, though. First he lost his mother, then when he did dream that the Paddingtons came, it always turned into a nightmare where Senior kidnapped him back and did more than just neglect him or the Paddingtons turned out to be worse than Senior. He became more and more convinced that his mother had asked her family to adopt him and they'd said no and that was why all the adults were weird that one time he met them.
Still nothing had prepared him for that memorable trip to Hawaii. He'd actually thought that Senior wanted to spend time with him for once. He'd been so excited to go on a trip with his papà for once, like he used to do with Mamma, but no such luck. No, it became obvious very quickly that Senior had only brought him along to entertain the business associate's kid, again. Heck, the man even forgot he'd brought Tony with him and just packed up and left one day leaving Tony alone in the hotel room, until he noticed the hotel bill. Even then, Senior couldn't be bothered to come back and pick him up. The hotel staff had to put him on a plane back to boarding school.
As if that wasn't bad enough, it seemed like Senior went out of his way to make Tony miserable. Not physically, but in every other way. For instance, one of the boarding schools had made him write to Senior, who never responded, but Tony made the mistake of actually mentioning what he liked. The next year, he was at a different school where absolutely none of the things he enjoyed were available. That wasn't the only example, either. Anytime Tony found anything he enjoyed that didn't fit Senior's plan for him, it would quietly vanish.
It wasn't until much later in life, when his world had been turned upside down once again that Tony realized just how much Senior had forced him to fit into the cracks. He'd always known that Senior had tried to shove him into a mold and he'd railed against it, but ultimately given up. After all, no one else was going to save him and he wasn't old enough to rescue himself, yet.
He'd once again left behind another group of people that he'd mistakenly thought to be his family when a classified briefing landed in his lap. One that painted a completely different picture regarding not only his childhood, but his entire life. He'd never realized how many times someone had tried to save him, but failed.
His second grade teacher tried to call child protective services on him and his father. That was the real reason he'd been sent to boarding school initially. CPS never found him there or any of the other boarding schools he attended.
That time he changed boarding schools after his father found out he was enjoying it, that was actually because Senior would get a kick back for it as part of a business deal. Example, after example, of his father placing his interests above Tony's. The file went into far more detail of how little his father cared about Tony than Tony had ever desired to know.
He almost wished he'd never found out and could go back to just thinking he was an afterthought in his father's head rather than the truth that he didn't matter at all unless he could further Senior's interests. The instances where Senior had purposefully screwed Tony over and had obviously known he was doing so, almost broke Tony. They hurt so badly and childhood Tony just couldn't understand what he'd done to make his father hate him this way.
Senior was never abusive exactly. He never raised a hand to Tony, but he was something else for sure., and it wasn't anything good. Tony only hoped that he would actually get a chance to go to another galaxy where his father would never be able to find him ever again. After all, if he saw that particular part of his family ever again it would be too soon.