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Secret Agent is on his phone. While that isn't necessarily out of the ordinary—plenty of them text during their break, and occasionally during work hours (what is Dr. Harlow going to do, fire them? They do everything in the hospital, and they do it well…most of the time.)—what is strange is the fact that he's smiling while texting. Intern has almost never seen him smile, and certainly never that wide. "Hey, Mr. Agent," Intern calls out.
Secret Agent looks up, his smile fading into the neutral expression he wears 95% of the time. "Do you need something, Intern?"
"No, I just wanted to ask—" Intern briefly considers beating around the bush. Unfortunately, it's never been any good at that. "Who are you texting?"
Security glances up. Of course he does; he never misses an opportunity for drama.
"Oh," Secret Agent cocks his head to the side. "I suppose there's no harm in telling you. I'm texting my partner!"
Intern cocks their head to the side in visible confusion. "Huh?"
Nurse catches on faster. "Your…partner," she echoes slowly. "As…as in someone you're dating?"
Secret Agent looks at her strangely. "Of course. What else?"
"…I didn't know you had a partner," Nurse says carefully.
Head Nurse isn't as calm. She gapes at Secret Agent. "You have a partner?!"
"Yes?" Secret Agent looks mildly amused at her shock. "And my darling is amazing! Why are you so surprised?"
"'Why am I so surprised—'" Head Nurse repeats, sounding a little hysterical. "How come I don't know about this mysterious partner of yours?"
"You didn't ask," Secret Agent says dryly.
"How would I know to ask—Why would I even ask—"
Psychologist ignores Secret Agent ragebaiting his sister. Instead, he's looking at Security. "Security, how come you don't look surprised?"
Security wrinkles her nose. "…Did none of you realize?"
"Realize what?" Psychologist prompts.
"Mmm, actually," Security considers for a moment. Then they smirk. "Y'know what, I've decided to watch this play out. I won't be telling you guys anything!"
Psychologist is convinced that she wants to watch the world burn.
In all fairness, she probably does.
Secret Agent finds Secretary near the supplies shop.
Predictably, they're sorting through papers. Secret Agent can't make heads or tails of half of them, but considering the fact that it wasn't his job, that's fine.
"Hello, dear," Secret Agent greets them.
Secretary spins around, startled. "Oh—Agent!" Their surprise wears off fast, and they tilt their head to the side in visible confusion. They're so pretty. Secret Agent wants to kiss them. Unfortunately, they're still at work, and he does value professionalism, as does Secretary, so it's out of the question. "Since when were you here? I thought you were talking with everyone else?"
"I was. I wanted to talk to you."
"Hm? What about?"
"…I may have implied to our coworkers that I'm dating someone," Secret Agent tells them, tugging them into his arms. "They don't know it's you. Is—are you okay with that?"
"I don't mind," Secretary hums, leaning into his touch. "Do you?" They glance up at him.
"No," Secret Agent decides. He hadn't been sure of the decision at the time, but if Secretary doesn't mind, then it's fine with him. "Although…could you keep it quiet?"
"Our relationship?" Secretary asks. "Sure. Why, though? Wait, actually, don't tell me." Secretary's brow furrows in the way that means they're thinking deeply about something. Secret Agent has to resist the urge to smooth it out with his hand. "You want to see how long it'll take them to figure it out, and how they'll react," Secretary guesses. Secret Agent nods against his head.
"Alright. Hey, if nothing else, it'll be funny," Secretary says, grinning up at him.
"Who could he possibly be dating?" Paramedic asks.
Security snorts. "Yeah, I wonder." They all elect to ignore him. It's not like he'd say anything.
"He's messing with us," Head Nurse says resolutely.
"When has Secret Agent ever messed with us?" Paramedic points out, unimpressed.
Head Nurse scowls. "He messes with me."
"Yeah, but not the rest of us," Paramedic says.
"There's a first time for everything!" Nurse offers. Head Nurse gives her a grateful smile.
Psychologist frowns. "No, he's not lying. There's no body language or anything at all that suggests lying."
"Well, if he's not lying, then that brings us back to the original question: Who is he dating?" Nurse frowns.
"That's the million dollar question, isn't it," Surgeon mutters.
Paramedic pauses. "Speaking of dollars," he says slowly, "What do you guys say about making this into a bet?"
"A bet," Head Nurse says flatly.
"A bet, yes," Paramedic cajoles. "It'll be fun! I think we all need some relaxation, at least for some time, considering…" She trails off.
There's a beat of silence. Intern glances around, then blurts, "Can I not make a bet yet?"
"Of course!" Paramedic smiles at it. "It's all for fun, you don't have to, Intern."
"Oh…okay." They give him a relieved smile.
"Alright, fine," Head Nurse sighs. "Ten dollars. I still say he's messing with us."
"Didn't I just say that he's not lying?" Psychologist throws up his hands.
"You've lost the last two bets, be quiet," Head Nurse says, crossing her arms.
"She's got a point," Security drawls, taking a sip of water.
"…Touché," Psychologist mutters. "Anyways, I bet twenty dollars it's Security."
"Oh?" Paramedic's eyebrows shoot up.
Security chokes on their water and doubles over, coughing. "That's quite a reaction," Psychologist notes. "Should I take this to mean that I'm right?"
"Give them a moment," Surgeon says. Paramedic had moved at some point, hovering worriedly next to Security.
"I'm fine, Medic," Security manages after a couple seconds of coughing. He pats her shoulder.
"…If you say so," Paramedic mutters.
"I do say so," Security huffs. Their gaze flicks to Psychologist. "Now, about your question: I am not dating Secret Agent," Security says firmly. They make a face. "That's just—ugh. No."
"Really—?" Before Psychologist can continue, the door creaks. They all promptly go quiet and turn to see Secretary walking in. Secretary pauses in the doorway, his hand on the knob. "Am I interrupting something, or…?"
"No, you're not," Head Nurse reassures him. "We just…thought you were someone else."
Secretary raises an eyebrow, then seems to accept the statement at face value. "Alright then. Say, do any of you need the coffee, or can I take it?"
Nurse blinks. "I don't."
Intern shakes their head. "Me neither."
Head Nurse gives the room a cursory glance. "I don't think anyone needs it. You can take it."
"Alright, thanks!" Secretary takes the coffee, adds some vanilla extract and a dash of cinnamon, then walks out.
Immediately after the door clicks shut behind them, the argument starts up again.
"I'm telling you—"
Secret Agent is in room 4. They're not sure exactly why he's there, but they're sure it's fine. Maybe he's checking for hiders again. Those are annoying, and Nurse gets caught off guard by them too often.
"Hey," Secretary offers him a smile. Secret Agent returns it easily. "I got you coffee."
Secret Agent brightens instantly. Predictable, Secretary thinks fondly. They hand him the coffee, and Secret Agent takes it and instantly tries downing the whole thing. Keyword: tries. Secretary's hand jerks out and they push his hand down before he can burn himself. "Agent, it's hot," Secretary chides him. "Don't burn yourself."
"I'll be fine," Secret Agent argues.
"Consider: I do not want you burning yourself," Secretary says, their hand still covering Secret Agent's, and by proxy, the coffee.
"…I'll drink it slowly." Secret Agent looks away from them. Secretary has no idea why he did that, but he's not burning himself on the coffee, so they count it as a win.
Nurse pulls out the three items she's supposed to sell this shift from the boxes. She hopes that they're all useful items; Nurse wants the items to actually help her coworkers, not just sit there gathering dust. It's mint tea, chocolate, and the one time use taser. She pauses, then takes the mint tea and replaces it with coffee.
Head Nurse had mentioned that she liked tea. Nurse really hopes that mint tea isn't an exception. She tucks a hundred into the register for the tea and presses the button to open the shop. The light from the hallway spills into the shop, and the jingle of the bell rings out.
Intern is first to arrive at the shop. They don't even look at the other options, their eyes locked on the coffee. "Coffee, please!" They beam at her as she hands it to them. Nurse smiles back at them. Intern is quite bright and cheerful—a little like Paramedic, now that she thinks about it—and being around them tends to cheer people at least a little. They're still fairly new, but their attitude helps with the usual somber mood of the hospital. "Thank you!" They give her the fifty five dollars and down the entire cup in three gulps.
Secret Agent is the next to go to her shop. "I'll take the chocolate," he decides.
Nurse blinks. "I thought you hated chocolate?"
"I do," Secret Agent grumbles. His ear twitches.
Strange. Why would Secret Agent buy something he hates? Unless it's not for him. …She shouldn't speculate about her coworker. "That'll be a hundred twenty, please."
It's been two minutes of Secretary trying to get the heart monitor to work. Normally, he wouldn't be dealing with room 7—while he can get it to work, it takes longer than everyone else. Except Head Nurse and Nurse busy performing a surgery on another patient, and Intern is in room 2. He taps the screen a few more times, and it finally lights up and beeps a few times.
"How long have you been doing that?"
Secretary glances up at Secret Agent's voice. "Too long. At least I got it." They walk over to the computer and waits as the printer whirs, registering what the patient needed. "Low sugar and…Canadian. I still don't understand why 'Canadian' is a diagnosis," Secretary grumbles.
"Me neither," Secret Agent concurs. "So they just need maple syrup?"
"Yep," Secretary sighs. "Honestly…" Before they can fully leave the room, Secret Agent holds out his arm. Secretary stops. "…Agent?" Their gaze snaps to his face. He's too close, and their face promptly feels like it's on fire.
"Here." Secretary's gaze skips from his face to what Secret Agent was holding.
"…Chocolate?" Secretary takes it, trying to ignore the heat in their face.
"You haven't gone to the office to get coffee in a while," Secret Agent explains. "I thought you might be low on sanity."
"Oh." Their sanity was getting low, sitting at around twenty. Secretary has to shove back the urge to kiss him. "Thanks, Agent." They settle for smiling at him instead.
Paramedic knows exactly who he should go to for information on Secret Agent's partner: Secretary. Secretary was closest to Secret Agent, excluding Head Nurse, so there was a chance that they knew who Secret Agent was dating. Although, considering the fact that his sister hadn't known either, it wasn't guaranteed. He's got a little time before the next shift.
"Secretary!" Secretary glances up from their paperwork. Paramedic feels a brief flicker of guilt at having interrupted them when they were busy, but she quickly squashes it down. It's work, it should be fine. If it wasn't, then Secretary would tell her.
"Paramedic? What is it?" They stand up, setting their papers down. "Do you need help with the patients—?"
"No, everything's good," Paramedic says, slightly out of breath. "Sorry for worrying you, but—do you know who Secret Agent is dating?"
Secretary blinks at him. "How would I know?"
Paramedic winces. "That's a no, then. Shame…thank you for answering my question, at least."
"It's no problem," Secretary shrugs. "Why are you even trying to find that out?"
"I'm just curious," Paramedic offers. She is not going to tell them about the betting pool. If Secretary got in on it, they were certain to win.
They're the closest to Secret Agent out of all of them, after all.
"I didn't think you could lie right to her face," Secret Agent remarks.
Secretary frowns at him. "It wasn't lying. I just didn't answer her question and responded with another question."
Secret Agent laughs quietly. "Of course, dear," he murmurs, smiling at them. He seems to do that a lot around Secretary, he notes absentmindedly. He should really tone it down when in front of the rest of his coworkers.
It's a miracle that no one's realized who his "unknown partner" is, truly.
Head Nurse doesn't count. He'd told her.
"Really?" Head Nurse frowns. "You could do better."
Secretary shrinks slightly, and Head Nurse can't help but feel a little guilty. Secretary hadn't ever done anything to her or antagonized her. It's for the best. She has to test them. Secret Agent scowls at her. "Secretary is wonderful, excuse you—"
"Oh, hush," Head Nurse says, waving her hand. "I meant Secretary could do better."
Secret Agent's jaw drops. "Rude!"
"I don't think I could do better," Secretary says, smiling up at Secret Agent. They're holding hands, and Secret Agent smiles back at them.
Hm. Well. She hadn't expected that answer, but it is an answer, and quite a good one at that. "Alright then," Head Nurse sighs, sounding very put upon. "Congratulations, you two." She's happy for them, and she makes sure to pour that into the last few words. They're cute together, and she hopes that her relationship with Nurse will eventually reach that point too.
…Friendship. She means friendship.
Secret Agent relaxes at that. Silly. She wouldn't hate him for his choice in partners. Head Nurse does want to speak to Secretary, though. "Secretary, if I may have a word with you?" She tugs Secretary aside, lowering her voice. "Secretary, don't ever hurt my brother."
Secretary frowns, confusion evident in his expression. "Why would I hurt him?"
…Huh. "Just don't hurt him," Head Nurse says. She doesn't think Secretary would. Not intentionally. They might not be particularly close, but they are still friends, and Head Nurse thinks that she knows him well enough to deduct that much. She turns back to Secret Agent. "Anyways, Secret Agent, want to explain why you took so long to tell your terrific sister you were dating someone?"
She takes great amusement in the way Secret Agent is suddenly very intent on studying the floor.
Psychologist is correct. He's certain of this. Secret Agent had shown no signs of lying, and Security was the only one out of all of them that had known before Secret Agent had said anything. He just has to prove it. Psychologist knows exactly how he can prove it too: he just needs to talk to Secretary. They're close friends with Secret Agent, and Secret Agent can almost always be found near them. They have to know something.
He locates them by the check in window after around ten minutes. In his defense, Secretary occasionally helps in the back, especially when they were particularly short-staffed or during an emergency. Which probably wasn't something that they should be doing, but they really do need the help, especially since Paramedic is often at the site of the anomaly attacks to help stabilize the patients and get them to the hospital.
Psychologist no longer allowed to help with the patients during emergencies, since he loses so much sanity every time an anomaly goes for him. The anomalies appear more frequently during emergencies, and since Secretary can't filter out the anomalies before they get treated like he usually does, Psychologist tends to lose a lot of sanity.
He pushes the door to the office open, ignoring how Security reaches for his taser when it creaks. He knows why he does it. Psychologist isn't going to blame his friend for being cautious, considering what's—who's—at stake.
What he can blame them for is lying about their relationship with Secret Agent. How rude of them! Psychologist knows what they're trying to do, and he will not be fooled. Security won't change what they say, however, and asking Secret Agent to his face wouldn't go anywhere. He'd just redirect the conversation, like he has the past three times Psychologist has made an inquiry about it.
Secretary is his best bet. "Secretary, I need you to do something."
"Do what?"
"I need you to confirm that Secret Agent and Security are dating," Psychologist says. "Wait, I have to get it on camera."
Secretary stares at him. Strange. Psychologist hasn't done anything to warrant that look from them. "Psychologist, Security and Secret Agent aren't dating." Oh, he sees.
"Secretary, you don't have to lie for Secret Agent," he tells him earnestly. "It's okay. I understand. I will not ask you further." Psychologist won't corner him into choosing between the truth and his friend.
"He seems very convinced that you're dating Security," Secretary notes, sounding amused.
"You don't say," Secret Agent says flatly. He doesn't find the situation as funny as Secretary does.
"I don't get how no one else has figured you two out," Security complains. "Like, I could have sworn that Psychologist is usually more observant than this!"
"He's very certain that he's correct, and it's blinding him to what's right in front of him," Secretary mutters.
Secret Agent nods. "Yeah, that's pretty much it. He would've caught on otherwise."
Security stares in muted exasperation as Secret Agent watches Secretary move around the office with this…expression on his face.
They're pretty sure it's adoration.
Ugh. Sickening. They're going to give him cavities at this rate.
She turns back to the cameras. "Secretary, that one's an anomaly," she calls out. Security squints and switches cameras. Oh, that's why it looks off. The other one has its mouth wide open, showing off rows of too sharp teeth. "Actually, they're both anomalies."
The shutters slam shut with a bang. Secretary waits for a few moments, then reopens the shutters to see both anomalies walking away. Security doesn't understand why they don't just barge in. He's not complaining—makes their job easier—but it's just stupid on the anomalies' part. Sure, if they actually did that, they'd get absolutely bodied—all of the staff have at least one taser or a gun—but it's the principle of the matter.
The door creaks, and for a moment, Security is certain that she'd jinxed it. She's already reaching for her taser when she turns around to see Psychologist coming in.
Why is Psychologist here?
Oh, there's a patient. They ignore him in favor of checking the cameras. The patient looks the same. Security tunes back in to hear Psychologist say, "I need you to confirm that Secret Agent and Security are dating."
Excuse him? Security jerks around in the chair to gape at him. There's no way he's serious.
…Oh no, he's serious.
They thought that Psychologist was observant! What is this? Then again, he's always stuck to something once he made a decision about it. It's a shame it extended to this as well.
Genuinely how has no one else figured them out yet?
They were so obvious. Like, come on! There's no way Secret Agent "just so happens" to hang around Secretary the most for no reason whatsoever! …Actually, she thinks the others have noticed that particular detail, but is chalking it up to them being close friends.
Security, not for the first time, despairs over how utterly blind her coworkers are.
At least it was proving to be very entertaining.
"Security and Secret Agent are together," Psychologist insists. "I've connected the two dots!"
Actually, Intern is fairly sure that Secretary and Secret Agent are dating and have not told anyone simply because they wanted to see just how long it would take for everyone else to find out. They're not going to tell Psychologist that, of course. For starters, they don't think he'd listen.
Also Secretary had promised them twenty dollars if they didn't tell anyone about the time they'd walked in on Secret Agent sleeping upright with his arms wrapped around Secretary. They wouldn't have told anyone even without that incentive—Secretary had kept their secret, and he was still amicable with them, even after he'd found out, neither of which he was obligated to do—but the twenty dollars was nice. That incident had made his relationship with Secret Agent fairly obvious.
"You haven't connected shit," Security retorts.
"I've connected them," Psychologist repeats. Is this the power of delusion? It has to be. "You all doubt me now, but I will win the bet."
…They should place a bet. They already know who Secret Agent is dating—it's really, really apparent, but it seems that their coworkers can't put two and two together. They're pretty much guaranteed to win if they bet. Intern takes twenty dollars and goes to Head Nurse. Paramedic had handed the rights of the bet over to her because, quote unquote, "I want to bet and I can't do that safely if I'm the one running the betting pool, and you haven't changed your mind at all, so it's better in your hands."
Intern isn't sure how it's supposed to be safer, but they guess it doesn't matter either way. "Head Nurse, I want to join the betting pool."
Head Nurse glances at them. "Alright. Who do you bet on?"
"Twenty dollars on Secretary," Intern tells her.
Surgeon, personally, doesn't care about Secret Agent's partner. That's none of his business, and Secret Agent is still carrying out his job as he should, so clearly his partner wasn't interfering with anything negatively.
However, the betting pool was getting pretty large. At this point, whoever won would get at least a hundred dollars. Even if he could care less about who Secret Agent's partner is, he cares a lot about that money. A hundred dollars is only a little less than how much they were paid for each shift.
Yes, abysmally little compared to what they had to do and deal with at the hospital. They all know it, even if most of them wouldn't say it to Dr. Harlow's face. They're all overworked and underpaid and the only thing keeping most of them at the hospital is the knowledge that whoever worked there next—because there would always be a next—likely wouldn't survive very long. Surgeon is there because he'd joined the hospital early in his career and had proceeded to get attached to the rest of them. Sometimes, he really hates the fact that his coworkers are so upstanding and care so much about animals they don't know.
He's not like Nurse, Paramedic, Head Nurse, or even Secretary (they barely fit into that box, but he thinks it's more accurate compared to the others), who are all so willing to help others; he became a surgeon for the money. The 'saving others' thing is just another perk of the job. Surgeon knows that the four of them also have limits, but compared to the rest of them, they were probably the most concerned about life and keeping animals alive.
He suspects it's a little like that as well for Security and maybe Secret Agent, albeit not to save animals in general. They're the only two of them that have distinct knowledge regarding weaponry, and they use it to keep their coworkers alive. The patients getting saved is merely a side benefit, since he knows for a fact they could both care a lot less about the patients. Their coworkers were their first concern, meaning that they, like him, had gotten attached to the people at the hospital.
Psychologist is a walking paradox. He's simultaneously the most stable and least stable animal at the hospital. Staying here would be detrimental and beneficial at the same time for him, because on one hand, it was a constant and he had people around to help him, but on the other hand, the anomalies messed with his head twice as much compared to their coworkers. Even so, he won't leave. Surgeon knows this, since he'd checked with him and Psychologist was completely sure about that particular decision. Once he made a decision, Psychologist tended to stick to it.
Intern was originally there to gain experience. It really is too bad that Intern's first experience with hospital work was at this particular hospital. Any other hospital wouldn't have to deal with all these anomalies, and the pay would likely be better. Surgeon is selfish enough to want them to stay with the rest of them at the hospital. He won't force them to stay; if they want to leave, then so be it, but he knows what he would prefer.
…He's gone off topic.
Well, Secret Agent wasn't likely to be dating someone outside the hospital. Surgeon doesn't think that Secret Agent even knows many people outside the hospital, actually.
Now he just has to wait and see. Most of their staff seem to think that it's Security. Surgeon doesn't think so. Security had never seemed to have any interest in romance in general or things of that nature for themselves. Of course, there was…whatever they had going on with Paramedic, but he doesn't think that they like each other in that way.
It doesn't take much observing to piece things together. Secret Agent is almost always in Secretary's general vicinity, and they've been close friends for a while. Surgeon had noted that there was definitely something more there a couple months back. It's good that they've finally gotten together.
He's a little surprised that no one else seems to have figured it out. Well, more money for him!
Secretary should be in the office right now. Secret Agent isn't sure where everyone else is, but he's sure they're fine. If they weren't, they would've gotten him. He pushes open the door to the office. "Secretary, darling—!" Secret Agent freezes.
Oh. That was where everyone was.
Psychologist gawks at him. "You're—'darling'—"
"I told you that we weren't together," Security says.
"You were the only one who didn't seem surprised!"
"Yeah, because they're really obvious!"
Paramedic stares. "Secretary? I—How did I not catch on. I should have known!"
Head Nurse snorts. "Hindsight is twenty/twenty."
"We should leave," Secret Agent says slowly.
"Yep, let's go," Secretary agrees quickly. They do not want to be there when everyone inevitably starts bemoaning the loss of their money.
"I'm really glad I didn't bet," Nurse says, her gaze flicking to Psychologist.
"I just lost fifty dollars," Psychologist murmurs. "Fifty dollars."
"Wait, did anyone actually win the bet?" Paramedic asks. "I bet twenty dollars."
Intern holds up their hand, smiling. "Me."
"Me too," Surgeon says. "Pay up."
"Damn it," Psychologist mutters, handing over the money.
"There goes my twenty dollars," Paramedic muses. "Well, I'm happy for them."