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“I can’t do it!”
Ryland’s cries lingered in Eva’s mind.
It had been three days since the Hail Mary launched, and Eva had felt awfully sick.
Maybe it was guilt. She knew consequences would come from her actions.
Guilt had always filled her.
The guilt she felt as soon as she laid eyes on him. His messy dirty blonde hair and his disarranged glasses.
As soon as she met Grace, she knew that man would change the world. Maybe that man would change her.
The sorrowful sad eyes that stared back into hers.
So what made her put him on that damned ship?
He changed her life, so why couldn’t he change the world?
Because she knew him.
She knew Grace.
When those eyes gazed into hers she knew.
She had always known.
Eva sat at her office desk, contemplating.
She hadn’t spoken to anyone since the Hail Mary launched.
Now and then Carl would come and check up on her, but she didn’t speak to him.
He understood.
He would often just sit in Eva’s office, now and then you would hear a quiet sniffle come from him.
She could tell Carl was concerned for her.
Being non verbal for three days straight was unlike Stratt.
He had also heard the groans coming from her, the sickness was getting worse by day.
Carl had tried talking to her. But Eva did not want to talk.
She wanted to get Ryland Grace out of her mind. She knew that’s what he wanted to talk about. That’s all anyone wanted to talk about.
But every time she closed her eyes she would see Ryland.
She would see his bright smile, with his cheeks pressed up against his glasses.
She would see his sad, yearning eyes. The eyes that would look up into hers.
She would see that man who stood out in a room of people.
The sickness was getting the best of her.
She clenched on to the table, sweating a little now.
It was right before they put Ryland in a coma she started to feel like this.
Was it guilt? Or was she weak?
If she was weak, she would have never made Ryland go on the mission.
She wished she was weak.
She was weak enough to fall into Grace’s gaze.
She was weak enough to fall into his arms.
She was weak enough to fall for him.
Eva sighed.
She put her head into her hands.
What was she thinking..
She couldn’t hold it back any longer.
All the guilt she had been trapped in.
All the regrets that filled her.
She felt one tear roll down her face and onto her pants.
Then another.
Till suddenly, everything came out.
Stratt trembled.
She hadn’t cried in.. well. Forever.
The tough act had worn off.
She had to be brave for someone.
That someone was Grace.
Stratt looked at her shaking hands, she could barely see them due to the tears welling up in her eyes.
She hunched over and rubbed her eyes.
Her sickness continued.
An odd feeling rose up from her body.
Her mouth filled with saliva.
She was going to throw up.
Stratt quickly grabbed her desk bin and hunched over it.
Her eyes were still filled with tears, and they dripped down into the bin.
She felt her hands getting shakier by the minute, there wasn’t even time to hold her hair back.
Ryland had held her hair before. He had gently tucked her long orange locks behind her ears and held the rest up at the back.
He gently rubbed her back, creating patterns with his fingers. He would often stroke her hair and let his finger go down her spine.
It had comforted her, especially after when she was exhausted. She would lay in his arms, while he stroked her arm, and looked down into her dark blue eyes.
She got closer to the bin and tucked her hair behind her ears.
The only source of comfort she had gotten since being with Ryland.
Eva wished she could feel Ryland’s finger tips gently go up and down her arm. She wished she could feel him gently playing with her hair.
She wished she could feel his presence.
Eva felt a wave of guilt come over her again.
Just like the waves that clashed against the aircraft carrier.
Just like the waves she heard when she had a moment with Grace.
Standing at the rails of the aircraft carrier.
Eva was leaning against the rails, staring into the blazing sunset. Sunsets had always brought her comfort.
She was pondering about life, especially about what would happen after the Hail Mary launched.
Pondering about what her next decision was.
She looked down into the waves, staring at the luminescence in the water. A comforting blue.
Eva heard a chuckle come from behind her, and heard a few quiet footsteps hit the metal floor.
She recognised the patterns of the footsteps.
The light tap and gentle stop of the feet.
She turned her head, not enough to look the person in the eye.
White converse and baggy jeans.
Of course it was Ryland.
Stratt sighed and closed her eyes, and looked back into the sunset while tucking her coat closer to her.
“Ryland.”
She uttered.
While still not looking at him, she could see his bright smile in the corner of her eyes and his awkward stance while he kicked his feet.
Ryland cleared his throat and stepped forward, just a few steps away from the railing.
“Director.”
He said, very confidently and professionally.
Eva kicked her back foot to wrap around the other. Then, tucked her jacket in once again.
“You can call me Eva, Ryland.”
She looked over at him now, and noticed how nervous he was.
Grace fiddled with his zipper, and grabbed his collar awkwardly.
“What do you want?”
She snapped, looking back into the sunset.
Ryland took another step forward and leaned against the railing. He seemed to quite enjoy it too.
The sky reminded her of his eyes, a glimmering blue with a hint of warm gold.
While the sea clashed against the aircraft carrier, it reminded Eva of her personality around him.
So unsettling and cruel, but truly harmless.
It's what is on the inside that matters most.
Sure, the ocean could be deadly. But when you really search deep, you find nothing will hurt you unless you hurt it.
In this case, maybe Stratt had something to hide from Ryland.
“Are you scared?”
Ryland looked down at the waves and admired them with her.
Eva stopped, and looked up at Ryland.
“What makes you say that?”
She cleared her throat, and waited for him to look up at her.
He brushed his finger against the railing, creating patterns and was feeling the texture of it.
He sighed, and looked up into Stratt’s gaze that was now focused on him.
His eyes dilated as he stared back.
Ryland fixed up his collar, which she had noticed he did a lot. Especially when he was nervous.
“Well.. You know. Since the Hail Mary launches in a few weeks… I was just wondering how you felt about everything?”
He zipped up his cardigan and looked back into the ocean.
Eva honestly hadn’t thought much about it. She knew the mission was ready and nothing was getting in the way of it.
“I’m ready. Crew is ready. What should I be scared about?”
Stratt laughed awkwardly, and changed her gaze from Grace back to the sunset.
Grace let out a forced laugh (which he did often when put in awkward situations), rubbed his stubbly chin and kicked his foot.
He looked back at her for a moment, just to capture a glimpse of her, maybe hoping for a look back at him.
Stratt’s eyes darted back to him, and she raised an eyebrow and frowned.
“Are you scared?”
Ryland’s eyebrows went down as she said that, and he nervously fiddled with his hands.
There were so many things Eva had noticed he did. Odd ticks when the situation was tense and unpredictable, messing with his collar, and fiddling with his hands.
She had paid too much attention. She cared too much.
She had also noticed how expressive his eyebrows were. How they dropped when someone said something downcast, or something he didn’t approve of.
The slight move of his cheek, and how he frowned.
“I’m not sure.”
Ryland rubbed the back of his neck and kicked his foot awkwardly again.
His eyes glimmered in the sunset, very amusing and uplifting. They were nice to look into.
Stratt appreciated when they would stare back into hers for a moment.
Grace fixed his collar again.
Stratt loured her gaze on him, and stepped forward slightly.
Ryland’s eyes darted to look into hers, and he looked down at her shoes, which were closer to his now.
His eyes dilated and were fixed on her now.
Stratt took another step forward and lifted her arms.
What was she thinking?
She gently tucked her fingers under Grace’s collar and readjusted it. It comfortably sat on Ryland’s neck now.
As she was adjusting it she felt his soft hair run through her fingers, and the stubble on the back of his neck.
Ryland looked down at her and heaved. He glanced at her fingers gently brushing his neck while she fixed his collar.
Neither of them said anything. It didn’t feel wrong.
They were quiet, but Stratt had kept her other hand on his chest while using the other to fix up his collar.
She smiled up at him.
Stratt’s dark blue eyes dilated as she gazed.
Grace sheepishly sneered at her and put his arms around her gently.
“Am I aloud to do that?”
Ryland queried.
Stratt stepped in closer to him. Not responding, rather showing him.
The embrace of the two was warm. Since being so cold outside it was nice to feel another's warmth. They sluggishly moved closer as Eva put her hands around Ryland’s neck.
She simpered and rubbed her thumb on his stubbly cheek.
They had never talked about what had happened after that, or what happened those few weeks. They never discussed it again.
They had been meeting up for a few more weeks before the Hail Mary launched, but never discussed any of it inside work.
Never put a name to what they truly were.
Stratt felt the puke rise up her body, all into the bin.
She groaned and wiped her face with her arm, then grunted.
Eva had felt worse after thinking about Grace.
After everything that happened on that one night.
Those few desperate weeks together.
The despair in his eyes when she betrayed him.
The crying out to her.
“I can’t do it!”
What would replay in her head daily.
Eva sat up in her chair and drooped down, then rested her hands on her irked stomach.
She trembled slightly.
Her mind wandered through memories of Ryland again.
His soft touch.
His smile.
His eyes.
Stratt loved to look into his eyes.
She sat up in her chair and sighed.
Eva knew the authorities would come soon. They would take her and throw her into a cell for the rest of her life.
She would likely go insane.
Ryland would peer through her cell, haunting her forever.
Hopefully they would kill her instead.
Her office was cold, the blinds were shut but enough to peek through to make some sunlight.
The sunlight lines marked up on her desk and created patterns.
The sun in that room would soon dim.
The sun would dim the whole sky.
Eva put her hands up on the arm rests, then dropped down on to the desk in front of her.
She could somewhat see outside her office.
She could see shadows of her workers walk past, but quietly shuffle through the hallway.
She would see people peek through, seeing if they could catch even a bit of emotion from the distressed woman.
Carl hadn’t shown up today.
Maybe he was sick of her shit.
Maybe he was sick of the switch up from her.
The lies.
Stratt didn’t want to speak about anything to him.
She didn’t want to speak to anyone.
Stuck in a room with her thoughts, and a bin full of vomit.
What had come over her?
A man had never made her feel this dreadful.
She slowly drifted her finger along the dimming light on her desk, gently tapping the table every so often.
Eva looked outside of her office to look at the sun. The sun that was dimming and that would slowly kill every single living thing on this planet.
She knew Grace was up there.
Knew he was up there against his will.
She groaned and placed her face into her hands again.
There was nothing she could do but just wait.
Wait for reassurance. Wait to be taken away. Wait to be murdered.
“You’re murdering me!” played back in her mind.
Stratt sighed and let out a few silent cries.
Just like the cries Grace had sobbed while being dragged to the floor.
She rubbed her eyes and leaned against her chair.
A few quiet clicks came from the hall.
Someone was coming.
Eva saw a shadow of two feet at her door.
Just stood there.
Contemplating to knock.
Stratt sat quietly, waiting for something to happen.
She sat in her chair like a mean wet cat, ready to strike someone at any moment.
The shadow stood back for a minute, then scuffed a heel and knocked on the door.
She couldn’t ignore them.
Eva hesitantly placed her hand on the door handle, and slowly peeked through the small crack of the door.
The person outside would have only been able to see half her face.
It was Carl!
He stood in the hall on his own, red puffy eyes and tears ran down his face.
He sniffled and looked down at Stratt’s hand on the door handle.
Eva sighed and opened the door slightly,
“Enter.”
Carl’s eyebrows dropped as she said that, he rubbed his eyes and walked in.
Stratt stood back behind the door as she shut it. She looked Carl up and down.
Carl looked around Stratt’s office and shifted slightly to face her.
He put his hands together and began to speak.
“This isn’t easy but I'm just going to say it. I can’t work for you anymore.”
Stratt stepped back slightly and looked around.
“Why?”
She pulled on her collar and rearranged it.
Picking up Grace’s mannerisms.
She knew they both missed him.
Carl cleared his throat, slightly choking up.
“I can’t do this anymore. After everything that’s happened, I didn’t expect it to be this hard on me. When I had to watch Ryland-“
He choked up again and looked away, he had also pulled on his collar.
He sniffled and continued,
“When I had to watch Ryland get practically murdered in front of me was horrible. There was nothing I could do about it. You wouldn’t let me save him. All I had to do was stare down at him and reassure him. If you were being murdered you wouldn’t want someone reassuring you, you would want someone to save you!”
He rubbed his collar against his watery eyes, leaving wet stains on his shirt.
“I’m done with all this shit, Stratt.”
Carl stared at Stratt, not even getting any emotion out of her now.
After someone actually had a proper conversation with her for the first time in three days, she had gone numb.
She could pretend she wasn’t just crying her eyes out in her office. But as soon as someone spoke to her she went emotionless.
She stared up at Carl and trembled slightly.
Carl looked down at her shaking hands and frowned a little.
He stepped closer towards her and put his arms out to hold her.
Stratt stood there, not melting into his embrace. Stood there emotionless, again.
She looked down into the sunlight reflecting through the blinds of her office.
Her lip trembled, and she felt tears well up into her eyes.
She sniffled and eventually broke down.
She put her arms up around Carl and held him tightly.
Her knees wobbled as she slowly drifted towards the floor.
Carl grasped on to Stratt and stroked her back.
Reassured her as she trembled.
He knew she had needed this.
He knew she had regretted this whole thing before even making the decision to send Grace.
He knew she had fallen for Ryland Grace.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
Weeks passed of still feeling ill.
Surprisingly it didn’t affect her during the day, only mornings now.
She had grown to become used to the morning sickness.
Stratt had felt much better, and Carl checking up on her and taking her on outings made her much better.
He was informed of the meetups of her and Grace for that few couple of weeks.
They had both talked about Grace.
They had sobbed together, they had laughed together.
They had grown close.
Stratt made the most of their time together, she never knew how much she enjoyed company from Carl until now.
Carl didn’t have a clue in weeks, to months she would be taken by the authorities and shoved in a cell forever.
She knew she deserved it.
Sending a helpless man to space against his will.
Murdering him.
Yao and Ilyukhina would take care of him. Reassure him that everything would be okay.
Maybe in another universe Ryland Grace would have forgiven her.
Eva had always thought of those few weeks with Grace every so often.
She wondered if anything would have happened after.
Maybe Grace would visit Stratt in prison.
Maybe they would become a couple.
Maybe they would have a family together.
Well, now she was sure of it.
Stratt sat silently on her bathroom floor sobbing. She placed an object beside her, the plastic thudded as she placed it.
She looked down at the plastic stick to see two blue lines appear on the result window.