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'I have never understood the tradition behind Christmas trees.' Castiel mutters as he sits on the edge of the couch, watching as Dean and Sam move around each other in a comfortable manner, as if they were used to this and had been doing it for years. They start to build the tree - a stupid synthetic one. Dean wanted a real one, but Sammy, the nature freak, wouldn't let him cut one down.
'You watched the world for two thousand years, and you don't know the tradition behind Christmas trees?' Dean retorts, one eyebrow raised as he gazes at Cas, a small smirk on his lips.
'I said I didn't understand the tradition, Dean, not that I didn't know it. It started when-'
'Yeah, I don't really care.' Dean cuts him off, giving Sam a small bauble to hang up on the tree. It was the first "real" tree he'd had since he was four; his mom always gave him the angel before his dad pulled him onto his shoulders so he could set it on the top.
But ever since his mom died, and John started chasing Yellow-Eyes, it was always just a stupid little tree; branches really that him and Sammy would place their presents under. Dad was never there for Christmas most of the time, so Dean had to make do with what he could.
This time was going to be different; they had the Men of Letter's Bunker at their disposal, it wasn't some cheap hotel that they couldn't really decorate. They weren't useless little kids anymore that couldn't get money (even though how they got money wasn't exactly "honest", but who's caring?). Dean was determined to do right by his family; give them a Christmas that they could look back on with smiles.
After all, Kevin's first Christmas by himself last year was either spent with Crowley or on the run. Cas and Dean were in Purgatory. Sam… well, he probably had his little perfect Christmas with his little vet woman, but Dean wasn't going to bring that up.
Even if it hurt like hell to find out his little brother didn't bother to look for him, he did give up a woman who would give him everything he'd ever wanted. After that, he learnt not to mention her; just like Dean made Sam never mention Lisa.
He clears his throat when he thinks of her, trying to rid her from his mind. Because if he thinks on it any longer, he'll start wondering what they're doing right now. Has she met someone; someone who won't fuck her life up? How is little Ben getting on… and shit, he's already done it.
'Dean!' Sammy shouts, bringing him from his thoughts. He blinks as his eyes refocus on Sam, who's looking at him like he's going insane. Yeah, he's got a cheek to talk. Or look. Whatever.
'No need to raise your voice, Sam. 'Tis the season to be jolly and all.' Dean mutters, throwing the tinsel he was holding back into the box. They had raked the Bunker for hours trying to find something Christmas-y. They were all for giving up when they finally stumbled upon it.
'You okay?' Sam questions, ignoring the sarcasm and taking it as confirmation that his big brother was most definitely not okay.
'Me? I'm awesome.' Dean retorts, wearing that stupid smile that he knows everyone can see through, so he doesn't even know why he bothers anymore. 'Got a bunch of Fallen Angels that we've got to hunt down, got to find a way to get them back to Heaven, Crowley is playing Jekyll and Hyde, we're not closer to shutting the Gates of Hell and yeah, I'm stuck in here with people who don't want to be here. So yeah, I'm awesome.'
Dean swipes at the box full of decorations, sending the box crashing to the ground and causing the contents to spill out. He turns on his heel, marching from the room and heading back to his own room.
'Well so much for a happy, normal Christmas.' Dean hisses as he drops down onto his bed, sitting on the edge and burying his face in his hands.
He doesn't hear Cas come in, and isn't aware of the fact until he feels the bed dip under the new weight, but even then Dean doesn't look up. Can't face whoever came to sit beside him, can't face himself, can't face the fact that he screwed up. Again.
'Why do you believe we don't want to be here?' Cas questions and Dean is torn between rolling his eyes because that's all Cas cares about - who, what, where, when, why - or to punch the Fallen Angel. At least Dean won't be the one to come out worse for wear this time around; now that Cas can hurt and can bleed.
But he does neither. Can't find the strength to perform a task as simple of eye-rolling and can't bring himself to hurt Cas; he's been through enough. Instead he just lowers his hands from his face, but he doesn't turn to Cas; can't trust himself to turn to Cas.
'Doesn't take an idiot. Sammy would rather be with that Amelia and his precious dog. Kevin wants to be home and forget about being a freaking Prophet of the Lord. And you just want to go back to Heaven.'
Castiel says nothing, so Dean just takes that to mean he's got no comeback; he knows all of it is true and he can't sugarcoat it for Dean… doesn't know how to sugarcoat things because he's always brutally honest. Damn him.
'If Kevin and Sam truly wanted those things, they would have them. I have known both of them long enough to know that they are both strong people; willing to make anything happen if they want it. They want to be here Dean.'
Dean nods once because this is true. Sammy was a stubborn pain-in-the-ass when it came to getting his way. He'd make it happen if his life depended on it; several occasions it had. And Kevin. The little nerd was determined, he'd give him that, grown confident from running away from Crowley and living by himself for song long. He didn't need Sam and Dean's help, Dean knew that, but he stayed nonetheless, obviously because in some way… he wanted to.
'What about you?' Dean murmurs, because he didn't hear Cas say he wanted to be here, didn't hear Cas say that he was capable of making things happen if he wanted them to, but he didn't do anything, because he wanted to be here, he liked being here, he didn't want to leave here; didn't want to leave Dean. 'You still dying to return to Heaven?'
He almost says "home" but Heaven isn't Cas' home. Home is here; home is here with Dean. And Sammy. And even little Kevin. Home is here, not Heaven.
Well, that's what Dean is hoping.
'Yes.' Castiel replies and Dean feels his heart clench, not really sure how he ever let things go this far, why he even asked that question because of course Castiel wanted to return to Heaven. Why would he want to be powerless and full of feelings, when he could fight tooth and nail to go back to Heaven, so he doesn't have to live with the "mudmonkeys".
'I left a lot of corruption up there, Dean. I have to find a way to make it right; it is my fault my brothers and sisters fell; were cast out like Lucifer was.'
Dean gives a humourless chuckle, 'Funny how you only clean up your mess when it suits you; when it's in Heaven; when it's to help the brothers and sisters who fought against you at one point.'
Dean doesn't know why he's saying this, on Christmas fucking Day of all days, but still, it needs to be said apparently.
'But when Sammy and I ask for help, beg for help, suddenly it's too much. You disappear.'
'Everything I have done has been for you.' Castiel snaps, standing from the bed in his anger; it's such a human movement that Dean's momentarily stunned. Or it could be that Cas doesn't even mention Sam - just says everything he did was for him. 'I'm sorry if you think otherwise, but my motives were never driven for my benefit. Fighting Heaven, Raphael, siding with Crowley for the souls, running from Levithans in Purgatory, running with the Angel Tablet, all of it was for you. And the sad thing is, I keep making stupid mistakes for you, even though the sentiment is never returned.'
'Never returned? Who constantly disagreed with Bobby and Sam whenever they said you were siding with Crowley? I made myself look like an idiot when they were proven right because I didn't want to believe it. Who spent all of their goddamn time in Purgatory looking for you? Only for you to let go of my hand when I got to the portal.' Dean can't remember standing from the bed either, but suddenly he's standing in front of Cas, looking down at him and he's thankful that he's actually that bit taller, because he's sure he'd be backing down from the look on Cas' face alone. 'I try to return the sentiment, Cas, you're the one that keeps pushing me away!'
Dean turns away from him, looking over to his stack of vinyl, but like normal he doesn't feel nervous about turning his back on Castiel, no matter how harsh their words are getting. He always finds that strange; there was a time he didn't feel safe turning his back on Sam, but he's never felt that way with Cas. No matter what he learnt about him, or what new scheme he was up to, he's never felt unsafe around him; in fact, it's usually quite the opposite.
He knows that last sentence sounded pathetic and needy, but maybe that was how he was feeling. After all, Cas had no right to say that he never tried to be there for him; to do things for him. That's all Dean can think of now, making sure Castiel is all right. But Cas can never accept that, never listens to his advice; heeds his warning. He was not about to be portrayed as the bad person… he's always just accepted that role, but not this time, because it wasn't true.
He hears Castiel sigh.
'I said I wanted to return to Heaven, Dean, I never said I wished to stay there; I never said I didn't wish I was here.' He declares and even though Dean doesn't turn around, doesn't even acknowledge that he hears his words, he continues, 'You said we were like family once. I still believe that our bond is here. It may be a little unstable, but I know you still trust me; forgive me even.'
Dean finally turns around when Cas scoffs at the end, as if he doesn't believe his words. Or that he can't understand why Dean forgave him, and Dean can't help, because there was something shouting at him not to trust Cas again and he just couldn't listen to it, had to shut it out and lock it by because he knew it was lying.
Neither of them say anything else, because as the lock eyes they just know that yeah, things aren't the same between them anymore; things aren't like what they were when they first met. Betrayal and lies have ruined that, but Dean would be lying if he said that he didn't like this better. Neither of them had the other on a pedestal now; both of them knew the other's flaws. Knew that, like Dean and Sam, their weakness was the other. Knew that this was more than what they always say it is.
Dean - as usual - is the first to clear his throat and look away.
'Should probably get back to Sam and Kevin.' He says and Cas nods, following him out of the room without another word.
Dean will never understand how one minute they can be that tense and vulnerable with each other, then suddenly back to this, but he doesn't really mind; makes things easier when he's in front of Sam and Kevin.
Dean says nothing to Sam or Kevin as he reenters the room with Cas shortly behind him, just walks back over to the tree and picks another decoration over the box he had spilt, though Sammy had set it upright again.
Before long, the tree has been decorated and there's only one more thing left to do.
Dean holds the angel in his hand, always favouring them over the stars, but only because that what Mary had liked. Angels are watching over you; if only she knew.
He looks down and smiles at it, a small, barely there tug of his lips before he clears his throat and looks up to the other three. They're expecting him to put it on, but Dean bites his bottom lip briefly before extending the angel to Cas.
'Want to put the angel on the top? It's kinda like helping him get home.' He says, watching as Cas furrows his brow, before relaxing and breaking into a very small, but very visible smile as he reaches out and takes the angel from Dean's hand.
'I think he's already home.' Cas says softly before he stretches up and places the angel on top of the tree, turning back to look at Dean the second he lowers his hand.
'Yeah, maybe you're right.'