Due to a series of unfortunate events, a group of misfits and malcontents end up in the Brecilian Forest, a place with slightly worse ratings on Yelp than Denerim. Even worse, first they end up in a Dalish camp, where the Warden spazzs out attempting to decide who to bring along and who to leave behind.

"I am not hanging around elves. I will die." says Viktor Krum, looking very blood magey with his blood red Tevinter Imperium robes and black fur ruff, this despite being a die hard Circle mage. 

"And I am not hanging around elves either. They will die." Meanwhile his blood mage best friend, Yuri, looks like he's reached the pinnacle of Andrastian submission, wearing the most luxurious robes imported straight from Orlais, sent to him by the Empress herself.

Alistair makes a face. "Wow. You guys are such people persons. I for one am happy to hang around elves." 

"That's because there is something wrong with you, Alistair."

"Heyyyy?!"

"Hmpf. We qunari-"

A pair of the tallest and gingerest dwarves ever seen, burp loudly as their contribution to the conversation.

The Warden, one Draco Malfoy, spins on his armoured heel. So that's two mages down. How many people can he stuff into his party at one time? Would it really be such a bad thing if he took more than three companions with him at a time? He needs his dog AND the hot mage woman AND the motherly rock person AND the legendary Viktor Krum, just for starters, never mind the rest of his motley crew, most of whom are extremely useful.

What he has:

Himself

Class: Pureblood Bad Boy

Pros: Wonderful hair

Cons: Too good for this world

Crabbe&Goyle

Class: Dog

Pros: The best boy

Cons: Mortal

Alistair

Class: Templar Snarker

Pros: A tank

Cons: Makes me feel bad

Morrigan

Class: Hot Shapeshifter

Pros: Hot

Cons: Harder than me

Leliana

Class: Singing Assassin 

Pros: Hot

Cons: Extremely annoying 

Zevran

Class: Ladies Man

Pros: Elf representation

Cons: Also a Mans Man

Random Old Woman

Class: Nagging Medic

Pros: Amazing healer

Cons: Overbearing 

Random Rock Person

Class: Fashionable Golem

Pros: Motherly

Cons: Hates birds

Viktor Krum

Class: Legendary Sportsman 

Pros: AMAZING AND FAMOUS

Cons: Difficult 

Yuri

Class: Viktor's Handler

Pros: Blood Mage

Cons: Blood Mage

Sten

Class: Qunari

Pros: Huge and great with a sword

Cons: Thinks I'm a woman

The Weasley Twins

Class: Dwarven Clowns

Pros: Amazing at axing

Cons: Sociopaths

Secret Companion

Class: Daddy

Pros: Removes Alistair

Cons: …??

While he's debating himself with his back turned to them, his gang mill about and talk amongst themselves, or else, if they happen to be thieves, go off to steal. Or else, if they happen to be Yuri, go off to flirt. Shale crushes birds, the sound compelling Draco to reach a decision as quickly as possible.

He decides to risk the Maker's wrath and bring more than three. He also decides to forgo a rogue, cause how many chests is he realistically going to run into in a forest?

🌲🪾🌲

The hallowed group of would-be heroes get lost immediately upon stepping foot into the forest proper, something that also happens to elves, apparently.

"It's not just an us thing. I promise." Declares the Warden to his crew, when he stops to give them a pep talk in the middle of an open air bear den, right beside the corpse of the bear they just slayed.

"Ay! It's a you thing! You're leading us!" Yells one of the Weasley twins, dwarves extraordinaire.

Nodding goes round the group.

"Shush! You'll alert the werewolves! Yelp says there are werewolves in here!" Draco, Last Grey Warden in England Ferelden, almost bursts into tears as he pleads with his companions not to get everyone and especially himself killed.

Except it's the werewolves, when they are encountered almost immediately after this, who run their asses away after a swift beat down.

"Help! It's murdered me!" The Warden wails, before realising that he hasn't been touched. Neither by wolf nor woman.

"What was that wolf yowling about? He seemed to think we'd done something to him." asks Yuri, twirling his bladed stave flamboyantly while being covered head to toe in blood - the natural state of the maleficar.

From behind Sten and the rock person, where he is invisible, Draco yelps an answer. "I have no idea! I haven't done anything to anyone! Oh Maker, where's my father?…Also, where is Alistair?"

Everyone looks around. No Alistair can be seen amongst the lofty trees and thorny undergrowth.

Morrigan squeals. "Oh gooodie! The forest has swallowed up the templar!" 

"This is what happens when you flout the laws of the Maker, child." chides the random old woman.

"Hmpf." Viktor says, his own stave topped with a golden skull.

"…Well, I have more than enough companions to be getting on with anyway." sighs the Warden. 

"Woof!" barks Crabbe&Goyle.

Onwards, the group encounter an ogre and several darkspawn loitering on a ridge. Numerous fireballs, ice walls, lightning bolts, blood tornadoes, swarms of hornets, boulders, and axes go flying across the peaceful forest scene, meaning Draco has to do little to nothing except yell and scream and shriek at his companions to make them focus on enemies approaching his location. Ogres happen to be a phobia of his, and, unable to stand its noxious presence, he goes and hides in a bush until the fight is over. Somehow, this behaviour loses him romance points with Morrigan.

When a great, earth shaking crash alerts him to the death of his worst nightmare, he crawls out of his hiding place and supervises the collection of loot. While that is occurring, some of his expanded party poke their noses into places where they should not.

"That's a nice tombstone you've got there. Wouldn't it be a shame if I were to…touch it?" The dwarf twins have located an old tombstone down a partially collapsed hill, backed up by a chunk of ancient ruins poking from the spongy earth. The tombstone is so old that it appears rotten, shrunken and bitten down by age, covered in malevolent green moss so that no name may be read.

"What do the mages think?" asks Draco, from as far away as possible. 

"There's a dreadful aura around this thing. An aura of demons." says Yuri, noted expert on demons.

"Yes, let's not bother it." Adds the old woman.

"Let's do. They may have knowledge and trinkets to confer." giggles a red cheeked Morrigan, eyeing her fellow apostate lasciviously.

"So long as it's not elves." Viktor finishes.

"WE'RE GONNA TOUCH IT!!" scream Fred and George, together, their fingers approaching the old stone. No one does anything to stop them, but Morrigan packs out laughing to the point of doubling up and falling over.

Of course as soon as they do touch it, one of the worst demons of all pops forth from it - an armoured giant with a cool bat winged helmet and goth skirt - accompanied by fanged skeletons which burst out of the ground, toppling over several companions. A fraught fight breaks out, during which a cloud of purple smoke erupts, completely obscuring everyone's view.

"I forgot I was supposed to unlock a power port here..." says a posh voice, before it fades away into the distance. 

Anyway, amidst the swing and zwing of steel, the hiss of demons and the explosive booms of fireballs and rock fists, friend finds friend in the artificial dark generated by magical smoke and raging storm clouds of stolen blood.

"Hey, Vitya, psst! I made a playlist for our trip." A small, bright red square of plastic floats out of the smoke - an Apple Shuffle, the perfect size for smuggling illegal music past templars. 

"Great, sponsor me an earbud, Yura."

An earbud is duly given to Viktor, and the pair of mages continue slinging spells around and twirling their staffs whilst connected by the ears.

Move your body like a hairy troll. Learning to rock and roll. Spin around like a crazy elf, dancin' by himself-'