Chapter Text
"i'm booooored,"
"you have at least two papers to be writing,"
dan pouts, lifting his head up from where he's hanging upside down on the bed just to look over at phil. "doesn't make me any less bored," he huffs, then mumbles, "and it's all stupid anyway, what's the point of any of it?"
this makes phil pause, then turn around from his laptop and actually look at dan. he has an odd look in his eyes, like he wants to say something but doesn't know how it'll land. it's a common look he's been getting these days, and dan's trying not to freak out about this.
"i don't know," he admits slowly, "you said you wanted to, yeah.." he hesitates.
dan straightens up, suddenly feeling defensive over his choices, though he knows he doesn't have to be. if there's anyone in the world that's supportive of whatever he wants to do, he knows it's phil. it's always phil.
"but?" he prompts, aware his tone is sharper than it should be.
phil eyes him for a long moment, then shakes his head. "never mind. mario kart? maybe you just need to get your mind off of it,"
dan narrows his eyes. he knows it's an olive branch, knows there's something big that phil is thinking but refusing to say for some reason. a small voice in his head (that has been getting louder the last month) tells him it's that phil doesn't want him anymore. he's trying not to believe it.
"phil.."
"it's nothing, dan," phil's back full-force, with a smile too bright and eyes shining too much to be real.
dan flinches. it's only been just about a half year since he and phil started regularly seeing each other in person but that's long enough for him to be able to make a distinction between his phil and AmazingPhil, and it always hurts when his phil turns into AmazingPhil around him.
"sorry," phil mutters quietly, and haltingly gets up and exits the room. dan feels a twinge of offense, like phil's leaving the comfort of their room, but it's not even a shared place; dan's just visiting for the millionth time.
maybe he's telling-not-telling you that he doesn't want you over anymore. his brain supplies, and that's what makes him crumple. dan's not a bad house guest. sure he eats phil's food sometimes, and takes phil away from his work, and distracts phil a lot, and, oh god phil wants him out.
he needs to be a better guest. he needs to be a better boyfriend. they've been together for almost a year and half now and dan can count on one hand how many times he's helped phil with something, house related or not. he really sucks at this relationship thing, and he's sure that's what phil is thinking about too.
phil, to his credit, is not thinking about any of this. he's in the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water, and mentally kicking himself. why is it so hard to ask someone to move in with you? he's sure dan will say yes.. right? i mean, he's basically over every day, they share interests and clothes and even their branding is starting to intertwine on youtube, and basically everything else except a place together. so why are the words constantly getting stuck in his throat?
maybe he's not as sure as he wants to be. maybe dan will say no, for.. some reason. this relationship is new and has been such a whirlwind and sure dan was over almost every single day since he moved to manchester, but that could just be because his dorm was awful (it wasn't - phil had been a few times to see dan and it was fine; just normal, if slightly annoying, dormitory things).
he sighs, setting the glass of water that he hasn't even sipped down, and runs his fingers through his fringe. it's getting long, he notes, but it's nice. dan's was softer. lord, he can't even go a moment without thinking about his boyfriend, he really needed to just take the plunge and ask him to move in. he promises himself he'll do it today and makes his way back to the bedroom, stopping only because he hears dan's soft sniffles.
what happened? he was gone for maybe five minutes, what made dan cry? did.. did he?
he pushes the door open carefully, and sees dan slouched over on the bed, hugging his knees and crying quietly into them. "bear.." he starts quietly. he wants to comfort him, but he's slightly worried to do so. dan isn't the kind to enjoy being consoled, he often finds it condescending.
dan flinches at the nickname, hurriedly wiping his eyes and mumbling what he hopes is an apology, but really is just a garbled mess. he feels the bed dip under phil's weight and feels the comforting pressure of phil's arms around him now. despite not wanting to, he drops his knees and leans into phil, burying his head into the older man's chest.
"i'll be better, i promise, i'll be a better boyfriend, i'll be a better guest, i promise, please don't leave me, please," dan mumbles, over and over again, squeezing his eyes shut. phil's so warm, his hand on his back is comforting. when he doesn't hear phil say anything, the tears return full force. so that is what he was thinking. he was going to leave.
phil can kind of make out that dan's whispering something into his chest, but he can't make out what, and he doesn't really want to move to try and hear it. he'd rather just run his hand up and down dan's back and press his face into his hair and soothe him. he doesn't want to ask what's wrong because he fears it'll cause dan to put on a brave face and dan really needs this cry, but he doesn't know what to say because he, again, doesn't know what's wrong.
so he nuzzles against dan's hair a little, wrinkling his nose when it tickles but not moving otherwise. "i'm sorry, dan," he finally whispers, "we'll get through it together, yeah?"
phil's mocking him. he has to be, there's no way he means that earnestly. not when he was readying to kick dan out and leave him for dead thirty seconds ago.
is that a bit dramatic? he doesn't think so.
his lip trembles in sudden anger and embarrassment against phil's chest and he forcefully pulls himself out from their tangled limbs. he doesn't have to sit here and take this mockery. he can go.. somewhere else. back to his dorm or something. phil wants him out anyway.
phil looks surprised and mildly confused, but he drops his arms without protest. maybe this is what dan needed. "..d'you wanna talk about it?"
dan scrubs at his face and shakes his head, his lips pressed together in a thin, albeit trembling, line. there's nothing to talk about. he just needs to get out of here, go somewhere where phil's not and make a plan. maybe wallow a little bit.
"i need to leave," he says flatly as he begins getting up.
"oh," is phil's eloquent reply. "will i see you tomorrow?"
"i- have lecture in the morning," he lies, "maybe in the evening,"
phil tilts his head at dan scrambling around the room, making sure he had whatever things he brought with him. he knows dan doesn't have a lecture tomorrow, but there's got to be a reason he's suddenly lying. maybe he just needs a little space? phil decides not to push it, instead nodding. "in the evening, then,"
dan feels a brief sense of relief that phil doesn't call out his lie, but then almost immediately gets hit with a sharp pang of hurt. maybe he doesn't even know his schedule, doesn't even know he's lying.
he turns to the door as fresh tears cloud his vision and blinks them away rapidly.
"wait, dan," phil is far closer to him than he thought, and when he turns around, phil is, in fact, right behind him, close enough to see his tears. he feels phil's gentle hand cup his face and he can't help but relax, his eyes fluttering closed as he simply waits with bated breath.
the kiss is gentle, soft and brief, but they both feel it deep in their heart, just like every kiss. it's the only moments of clarity that dan ever gets, and it's the most electrifying thing phil ever feels. when they pull away, they're both smiling; a little nervously, but adoringly nonetheless.
phil's lips tingle, even though it lasted maybe five seconds. "i-" i love you. "..i hope you feel better," he murmurs sincerely, "i'm always here for you, y'know,"
dan doesn't really react, too focused on how tingly his lips feel as well. how perfect that kiss was, how perfect it always is.
but when he finally hears phil's words, he gets the same surge of anger from earlier. how can phil speak to him so sweetly when he wants him to go? it doesn't feel right. or fair. he needs to leave now, come up with his plan (working title, phil-can't-leave-me-or-i'll-die), but he would much rather stay right here for all of eternity.
but he has to go.
so he smiles, just a little bit, mumbles a soft "thanks," and then he's gone.
phil stands quietly in that exact spot for about fifteen minutes after dan's gone, just thinking. was it something he said? did? was it something else entirely? dan had always been hesitant to share real feelings with phil, always afraid that phil would think he was too much or not worth it, but he was getting better at it, and phil hoped he would come around and share whatever was bothering him now too.
dan, unfortunately, has absolutely no plans to share what's bothering him with phil. he spends his entire ride back to his dorm thinking about exactly how he's going to implement his new plan, and how phil will be none the wiser about any of it. he'll just think that he finally has the boyfriend he deserves in dan, and there won't be any more talk about moving out or moving on. this is the perfect plan, he knows it, he just has to get over himself and implement it.
when he gets back, he settles down with his notebook immediately, not bothering to change his clothes (it's not like he wants to, anyway, they have the lingering smell of phil and of them and it's cozy) or think about his due-too-soon paper.
how to not lose phil, he titles the page, and then he blanks entirely. what exactly is he supposed to do here? how exactly is he supposed to be a better friend, much less a better boyfriend?
he chews on his pen, a habit phil has chided him for plenty, but he's always shot back with some variation of 'it won't kill me phil'.
one, he writes, listen when he tells u things. he does this already, to an extent, but things like the pen.. he could do to listen more. in fairness, phil's probably joking about things like this, but what if he's not? what if he wants to leave because of this? dan can't take the chance, he has to make sure nothing will make phil leave him. nothing.
two, dont talk abt urself. this one hurts him to write, makes his chest feel tight. he's thought for a long time that he talks about himself too much, but still, not sharing what he's feeling or thinking or whatever, with phil, feels like it's going to make his chest implode in a bad way.
three, look cute. dan knows he's handsome. while he may not quite believe it all the time, his amassing youtube success coupled with getting hit on every now and then means he knows he's handsome. and he must keep that way, to keep phil.
four, initiate- he chews on his lip for a moment. it feels too crude to write sex, and he's not even talking about just sex, he's talking about everything. phil always initiates hugs, he always brings up things they can do or places they can go, and that's not fair to him. he should be allowed to relax and not have to come up with ideas all the time. activities, he writes finally.
five, be GENTLE. he capitalises and underlines this word many times. he knows he's got a rather smart mouth, and while phil tends to laugh at his sassiness, he's sure he's getting sick of it. hell, sometimes even he's sick of his own sassiness. there's no need for it.
he puts his pen down, appraising his list. he doesn't know why it hurts him so much to do this, logically he knows it's the best way to keep phil in his life - but there's something about doing this, about fundamentally changing his very being to keep phil around, that's making his chest tight.
whatever. this isn't for him anyway. it's for phil.
it's always for phil.