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The library was a lot quieter than usual for a Thursday evening.
Most students had already headed back to their dorms by now or went to close by cafés scattered around campus, which left the occasional sounds of pages being turned or muffled footsteps between bookshelves. Shigeo sat at a table near a window, staring blankly at his notes while absentmindedly fiddling with the pencil in hand. Rereading the same sentence for the 5th time…or was it?
“Earth to Mob, hellooo?”
Startled, Shigeo looked up. Shou stood at the end of the table holding two paper cups in both hands, an easy grin plastered on his face.
“You’ve been staring at that page for like, ten minutes.”
“I have?”
“Probably.” Shou placed one of the cups beside his notebook. “Figured you needed this before your brain explodes, so let's chill for a bit.”
Shigeo glanced down at the warm cup milk, his favorite, before looking back at shou.
“...Thank you.”
“Ahhh don’t mention it.” Shou pulled out the chair beside him and dropped into it with a sigh, his chin resting against the palm of his hand.
“God, college is so boring.”
“You say that every week.”
“And every week, I'm right.”
A light chuckle escaped Shigeo's lips. He picks up his cup, taking a sip of the warm beverage. Shou leans in to see the notes Shigeo had written in his notebook, and judging by his facial expression he looked like he’d faint.
“Seriously all this for a test?? Y’all might as well have exams early.”
“It’s not so bad. Math just isn’t my strong suit.”
“Have you been staring at this equation this entire time?”
“...”
There was a glimpse of guilt in Shigeo's expression as his gaze went elsewhere. His mind had gone blank as soon as he spent this whole time staring at one page.
Shou snorted a bit. “You look like a guilty puppy that got caught chewing up furniture, here. I’ll help you study in hopes it’ll be easier”
Shigeo took a bit to respond, his eyes drifting back down to the page before letting out a quiet sigh.
“I’d appreciate it.”
“I knew you’d say that.” Shou scooted his chair a little closer, gently pulling the notebook towards himself. His eyes scanned over the equations, humming to himself every now and then as he pieced together where Shigeo had gotten stuck.
“...Okay, I think I see the problem.”
“Hm?”
“This math equation is ass and you should switch majors.”
Shigeo looked in disbelief before Shou playfully boops his nose to catch him off guard. Cackling in the process.
“Just kidding! Haha. You’ve got the formula down,” Shou pointed to one of the numbers written near the middle of the page “ You just substituted this part wrong.”
Shigeo had leaned in, their shoulders brushing against each other as he followed where Shou was pointing.
“...Oh.”
Shou then flipped the notebook over to a new page before scribbling down a few numbers and sliding back over.
“Try it again and see if that helps.”
Shigeo nodded.
For the next several minutes, the only sounds between them were the scratching of the pencil against paper and the faint rustling of pages from nearby students.
“...I think I got it.”
A small smile found its way onto Shigeo’s face. His gaze met Shou’s.
“Thank you.”
Shou leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms behind his head.
“Anytime.” His words were casual, almost effortless. But Shigeo found himself lingering on them anyway.
Anytime.
It’s always like this.
Whenever he was struggling with an assignment, Shou was there.
If Shigeo skipped lunch because he was too focused on classwork, Shou would somehow notice and drag him to the nearest café.
If Shigeo stayed up too late studying, he’d wake up to messages reminding him to eat breakfast.
The little things came so naturally to Shou that he probably didn’t even realize he was doing them.
Yet…
Shigeo noticed every single one.
“Done studying?”
Shou’s voice pulled Shigeo out of thoughts.
“Y-yeah…I think so.”
“Great!”
Standing up, Shou stretched until he heard a satisfying pop of relief from his back.
“I’ve been sitting here forever.”
“You’ve only been sitting for thirty minutes”
“Exactly!”
Shou grinned
“ C’mon. I’ll walk you back to your dorm.” He grabbed his backpack from the floor and had slung it over one shoulder.
“...You don’t have to.”
“Well, I want to.”
Shigeo stared at him for a second before quietly packing up his own things.
“Okay.”
As they headed out, the cool evening air greeted them. The sky had long since darkened, leaving only the orange glow of street lamps illuminating the paths that wound through campus. A few students lingered around the courtyard, chatting with friends before heading back to their dormitories.
“So…” Shou shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. “ How do you think you’re gonna do on the test?”
“hm..I think i’ll be okay.”
“Think?”
“...Hope.”
Shou laughed.
“You gotta have confidence in yourself, Mob.” He pulls one of his hands from his hoodie pocket and wraps his arm around Shigeo’s shoulders.
Heat spreads gently across Shigeo’s face.
So warm…
He thought to himself, as he felt his heart tighten and spin around on a hamster wheel.
Shou likes hamsters.
…
Shou would be a cute hamster.
Probably the kind that would keep trying to escape from its cage.
Shigeo smiled at the thought of that, while the two remained silent.
Sometimes they’d talk for the entire walk back, other times they wouldn’t say a word until they reached the dorms.
Neither of them seemed to mind that, as far as Shigeo is aware.
But that’s what Shigeo enjoys when being around Shou, just his company is enough. And he knows that the feelings are mutual from Shou’s gestures and the way he talks him.
So why….
“Yo, Suzuki!”
Shigeo comes out from his thoughts, as he and Shou glanced over.
Shou retracts his other hand from his pocket, raising a hand while keeping his other arm around shigeo.
“Oh, hey!”
A classmate from one of his electives jogged over before his eyes flicked toward Shigeo.
“ Oh! My bad. I didn’t know you were on a date.”
Shigeo blinked, his cheeks burning.
Shou lets out a short laugh.
“It’s not a date.” He clarified.
The classmate quirks an eyebrow. From their point of view it looked like they’re a couple.
“...Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“Huh.”
Their gaze bounced between them once more before shrugging.
“Could’ve fooled me.”
With a wave, they continued on their way, disappearing from their sight.
The silence settled between them once more. But something in Shigeo’s heart ached.
Shou rubbed the back of his neck, letting out an awkward laugh.
“ I don’t know why people keep saying that”
“...Me neither.” Shigeo answered quietly.
But the thought lingered.
People had mistaken them for a couple a few times on occasions. At first, he dismissed it as a coincidence. Then it became a bit frequent enough that he began wondering if everyone else was seeing something he wasn’t.
Or maybe…
Something he wanted to be true.
He glanced toward Shou, who was busy complaining about tomorrow’s lecture as though nothing happened.
The arm around his shoulders hadn’t moved.
Every so often, Shou absentmindedly gave his shoulder a small squeeze while talking, completely unaware he was doing it.
He’d brought him his favorite drink without asking.
He’d walk him back to his dorm whenever they stayed late.
He remembered the little things.
He made Shigeo laugh.
…
Shou liked him.
And Shigeo was almost certain of it, thanks to taking an interpersonal communication class.
And Shou knew how he felt, too.
Neither of them had ever said the words outright.
With every gesture, lingering glance, smile and gentle touch.
They had already confessed in every way except with words.
So then…
Why aren’t we together?
The parking lot was nearly empty by the time they returned to the dormitories. Only a handful of cars remained beneath the dim glow of the streetlights. Crickets chirped somewhere beyond the campus fence, as the gentle breeze sang during the late hour.
Shou lets out a tired sigh. “I’m beat.”
Shigeo nodded absently.
And then back to silence. Neither of them had made a move toward the dorm entrance. Instead, they lingered beside the sidewalk bordering the parking lot.
The silence felt different. Not an uncomfortable one…but it felt heavy.
Shou noticed first.
“...Mob?”
“Hm.”
“Everything okay?”
Shigeo stared at the pavement, as he fiddled with the backpack strap.
“...Why aren’t we together?”
…
For the first time that evening, Shou didn’t know what to say.
Shigeo lifted his gaze, as his expression was unreadable.
Shou opened his mouth, but closed it again.
“I…”
“You like me.”
Shou nods in acknowledgement.
“And I like you, you’re aware of that.”
“...Mob-”
“So why?”
He questions, before his tone becomes steady yet quieter.
“Why aren’t we together?”
Shou rubbed the back of his neck.
“...It’s complicated.”
“How?”
Shou tried to search for an answer, but nothing came. So Shigeo watched him struggle in the process.
“...You always do this.”
Shou frowned.
“What?”
“You’re hesitating.”
“I-”
“ You’ll hold my hand or have your arms around me when we go out. You remember small details about me. You’d occasionally flirt with me too… You treat me like I'm your boyfriend.”
There was a pause, as Shigeo tried to recollect his thoughts and process them. He then continues.
“But every time someone thinks we are…you say we’re not.”
“Mob-”
“ I just don’t understand…what am I supposed to think?”
Shou gaze went elsewhere.
“...It’s not you.”
“I know.”
Shigeo spoke bluntly, which normally doesn’t catch him off guard, but in the context of something like this- it certainly does.
“I just…” He runs his fingers through his hair, letting out a low sigh. “ I don’t know who I am yet.”
“...What?”
“I know- it’s stupid.”
“ I didn’t say it was.”
Another silence settled between them, as the distant hum of the cars from the road beyond campus filled the space neither of them were willing to cross.
Shou let out a bitter laugh under his breath as his leg began to bouncing restlessly
“I…Ever since I got to college, everything keeps changing. With clubs I've joined and the people I hang out with, hell- I’m still undeclared for my major.”
He gave a weak smile.
“I thought coming here would help make me feel like I had everything figured out, but it didn't. I keep trying different things because I don’t even know which version of me is…me. If anything- I feel like I'm more lost now than I was before.”
“So until I find myself,” Shou hesitated again, before he continued.
“I’m not ready to be your boyfriend.”
Oh.
This shouldn’t be so upsetting. Usually he’s understanding and patient.
But this– this hurts. Suddenly, Shigeo feels angry. Not annoyed, or ticked off, but angry. This isn’t that different from everything else Shou had done to skirt around his feelings. He knows that. Understands that. Accepts that. This was the last straw for Shigeo.
He doesn’t even know what to say, but he wants to say something. Anger bubbles up at the back of his throat, and if he opened his mouth, his feelings would be obvious. He can’t just snap at him, so he takes a deep breath in through the nose and exhales softly through his mouth.
“...Do you hear yourself?”
Shigeo asked, receiving a frown from Shou.
“What?”
“You say you aren’t ready but you’ve spent months acting like you were.”
“I not like i was pretending, I just-”
“I didn’t say you were.” Shigeo cut him off.
“...You keep pulling me close, but as soon as things feel like they’re about to align- you stop.”
Shigeo’s expression remained blank, as his bangs played a forecast over his eyes.
“I’ve waited because I thought…I thought maybe you just needed time.”
“I do.”
“How much?”
“I don’t know, Shigeo!”
Shou’s voice rose, enough that it echoed through the empty parking lot.
Enough to make Shigeo’s stomach churn.
“Fuck…I mean- ugh. I’m not asking you to wait! I never told you to.”
“You didn’t have to.”
Shou sighs, hands running through his hair once more. They weren’t going anywhere with this.
“I’m running out of ways to explain it, ya know!”
“Because none of that tells me why it has to be this way.”
“Mob-”
“Are you even taking this seriously?”
Now that ticked Shou off.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Shigeo just stared, indicating Shou knows what he meant. So when there was a moment of silence between them, Shou let out an annoyed scoff.
“ I am taking this seriously!”
“Then act like it.”
“ You- ugh. Whatever, Mob. I’m not going to continue this argument with you.”
“...Then maybe we should stop.”
“Stop?”
“Whatever this is.”
Shigeo then looked away.
“...I don't think I can keep doing it.”
Shou's expression was hurt for a split second before masking it with annoyance.
“Fine. We should.”
“...Fine.”
Shigeo watched as Shou stormed off.
He tried to call him back, almost saying his name.
But words were caught in his throat, making not a sound in the end.
Leaving him alone in the dark in an empty parking lot of the dormitory.
Shigeo stood there, as so many emotions swirled from his head to his heart where it ached the most. Regret slowly made its way into his thoughts, as he wished he didn’t say that. He wished none of this happened and he took all his words back.
Wow, he was beginning to feel worse by the second. He made his way inside the building towards his dorm to try his best to sleep it off, as he had a test to focus on Friday.
He barely managed to sleep that night.
…
Shou wakes up in the evening. As he really wasn’t in the mood to get out of bed or anything.
All he could do was stare at his phone- his thumb hovering over Shigeo’s name. He's tried typing out whatever it was for an apology…but ends up deleting it every time, locking his phone in the end. So he decides he’ll try to make amends tomorrow.
At least that's what he tells himself.