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Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Men characters. All rights belong to Marvel Entertainment and I am not making any money off this story.
The Nightmare’s Just Begun by BookwormDoll
Inspired by the song “Monster” by Skillet
Rogue
We were both silent on the flight back to the mansion. I flew us into Remy’s room to avoid all the questions and attention, if only for one night. When we landed, he just stood beside the window, curling and uncurling his fingers at his sides.
“Hey,” I grab his hands and he looks me in the eyes, “it’s over. You’re back. We’re both back. It’s ok.”
He doesn’t say anything, just lets go of my hands and sits on his full-size bed. I walk to the door to go to my own room.
“Stay,” his voice is shaky.
I pause, staring at him for a moment. Then I walk over and sit on the bed beside him, “I’m not going anywhere.”
He doesn’t look at me and flinches slightly when I put a gloved hand on his thigh.
“He made me do the worst things, Rogue,” he finally said, voice still trembling.
I stayed silent as he confessed to everything he was forced to do. And for the second time since I met my dashing Cajun, I saw him cry. I’d been told, growing up, that thieves had no hearts, showed no emotions…that’s how I know Remy ain’t no thief, save for that of my heart that is.
“When he tried to make me kill you, Rogue…I…” he couldn’t finish the sentence when tears overcame him.
I pulled him into my arms, unsure what to say.
“It wasn’t you, Remy, it was Apocalypse.”
“It was my hands. We already know I could stop Death with motivation. What does it say about me that I couldn’t stop anything until you?”
I open my mouth to say something but then close it.
“Exactly,” he said, pulling away from me.
“It shows enough about you that you never wanted it to happen.”
He was silent for a moment, “Let’s just get to bed.”
He looked at me and I knew what he meant. Without even bothering to change, we both got under the covers and found sleep.
Remy
It was dark again and I panted as panic began to creep in.
‘Remy LeBeau. Thief. Murderer. Traitor. Villain.’
“Who are you?” I tried to stop my voice from shaking.
‘Why you, of course.’
“That’s impossible,” my mouth is dry.
‘Not necessarily.’
“Show yourself.”
Panic makes a home in my heart as Death steps out of the shadows.
‘You disobeyed your Master.’
“No…I didn’t. Apocalypse isn’t my Master.”
‘Yes, he is. Because he is mine. And you are me. I am you. We are one and the same.’
I step back but find a wall behind me. I try to move to either side, but there are walls there too. Forward? Wall. I’m sweating now, breathing heavy. I hear someone call my name from a distance.
‘Dispose of her.’
No.
‘Dispose of her.’
Again, I hear my name. The voice sounds so familiar.
‘Dispose. Of. Her.’
I don’t say anything. Maybe what he’s saying is…No! I won’t!
‘You will.’
Why?
‘Because I said so.’
That cold calm fills my veins, as I hear that voice again. It no longer sounds familiar.
‘Yes. Just let go, Remy. You’re tired, you’ve already lost. Does Rogue even deserve you anymore?.’
Maybe he’s right…maybe Rogue doesn’t deserve me…maybe…she’s better off without my broken pieces. It sounds nice to just…let go…not worry about it. Just…let someone else…take control. Finally…find…peace.
‘Give me your hand, Remy.’
My mind becomes numb as I reach out and grab the outstretched hand and my companion smiles.
I lose my tether to myself.
Then I’m awake.
Rogue is above me, trying to shake me awake.
“Dispose…” I mumble, remembering my job…no, my order.
I flip her over and, realizing I have no weapons, press my forearm into her throat, choking her.
She’s making gurgling noises now, clawing at my arm, but unable to move it. I feel my mouth shift into a smile, a cruel one.
“Remy,” she chokes out, “don’t—do this. This—isn’t you.”
“Yes, it is!” I scream, “This is who I was always meant to be, and you tried to keep me from it. From my destiny.”
“No, Remy,” she reaches a hand to the nightstand, scrambling to find something under my grip.
“This—this is who—you are.”
She thrusts a King of Hearts playing card in between us.
“You always told me I was your Queen of Hearts—and, well, every Queen—needs her King.”
Then it all hits me. Death is shoved back into his cage as I take in her words. I pull myself off of her and stumble off the bed, backing into the wall, which throws me deeper into the panic attack as I put my hands out around me. No walls.
“Remy, it’s ok,” she gets off the bed and starts walking towards me.
“Stay back!” I yell when she’s about four feet away from me, “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t hurt me.”
“I just did!”
“That was Death.”
“But was it?”
“I saw your eyes, it was!”
“Just stay back. Please…please just go back to your own room…where you’ll be safe.”
My chest is still heaving and I’m sweating like a pig, fear gripping my heart, my mind, every muscle in my body.
“…okay…” is all she says before she leaves.
For a while I just stand there, pressed up against the wall and trying to calm myself down. And failing.
Rogue
I closed my bedroom door behind me and slid into my bed. Not that I could sleep. I had never seen Remy so panicked and wide-eyed with fear before. It scared me more than him waking up with glowing red eyes. His face as he threw his arms out, backing himself to the wall…that image wouldn’t fade from my memory anytime soon. So, I just sat there in my bed, staring at nothing and replaying Remy’s panic in my head over and over again. He’s still not the same as he used to be and maybe he never will be…but at least he’s here.
A knock at my door jolted me out of my trance.
“Rogue? It’s Jean.”
“Come in.”
She gives me a supposed-to-be-comforting smile as she opens the door, but I don’t think anything can really comfort me right now.
“Are you okay?” Jean asks soothingly as she sits on my bed in front of me.
I shrug, seeing Remy’s face, his wide eyes, again in my mind.
“What happened?”
I explained everything that transpired after they left on the decoy attack.
“We’d all thought you chose to go. Logan told us to stay back…not go after you. Apologies, Rogue, but…you must be happy to have him back.”
I looked at her and then at my lap, where my hands were fidgeting with my gloves.
“What’s wrong? You don’t seem happy.”
“I don’t know. I am happy that he’s alive, but…” I trail off.
“But…what?” Jean prompts.
“He’s…different,” I proceed to explain what happened last night.
“Rogue. I understand your pain, but…you need to understand that Gambit has gone through high levels of mental stress. You are handling Death just fine because your mental state is strong. Gambit’s mind, however, is exhausted, which allows his half of Death better grounds to take over. Not to mention he probably has some pretty severe PTSD.
“So…what? He’s gonna be like this for the rest of his life?”
“Well. Unless he gets help…yes. But I think I might be able to work with him. If he’ll let me.”
“Ah’ll talk to him. Thanks, Jean.”
“Have something ready to calm him down. He’s likely trapped in his own fear, his own mind.”
I nod and Jean squeezes my shoulder in farewell. Something to calm him down…I walk to my messy closet and pull out a box from the corner. Most, if not all, of the items were what most would consider useless junk. An old suit, expired coupons, that kind of stuff. I pulled out an old, battered, brown trench coat. Dang. I’d forgotten I still had this. When we went to the Savage Lands to save the Professor and ended up getting captured ourselves…well, on the way home, I got cold. Remy…he put it on me without saying, asking, anything. He never asked for it back. The next thing I found nearly brought me to tears…Remy’s Bo staff. It was recovered after the attack on Genosha. Logan handed it to me, and I threw it right into this box labeled on the side, “Reminders of Him”. Every item here connected to him somehow. As soon as we got back from the past…I put everything connected to him in this box, unable to stand looking at it all. The old suit was the one I wore when we first met. The coupons were from when Remy insisted we have dinner one night. At first, I only agreed because I had coupons, but…I was, I am, happy I went. And the last thing I pulled out, a power suppression collar, that was stolen so Hank could experiment on it. When he was finished with it, he tossed it. I went digging in trash for it. I knew that one day I’d break. One day I’d need to feel Remy. I didn’t know that it would be the day he died that I would break. I’d almost needed it before then, but I didn’t use it…I thought it made me a hypocrite to use it. But now…’calm him down’. Jean and I both know what’ll calm Remy down when he’s this panicked. I put it around my neck and the headache began, a dull throb in the back of my head. I pull off my gloves, pick up the staff, and leave for Remy’s room.
Remy
A/N: Italics are Death speaking in Remy’s mind
I floated in and out of myself, trying to separate the elements of Death from the elements of me. I was sitting against the same wall I was presses against hours before, hugging my legs to my chest. I had changed into my Rock crop-top and jeans and styled my hair, leaving half of it down and tied at the base of my neck, if only to give myself something to do, something to keep me distracted. But after that, I sat against the wall, fighting Death, fighting myself, and wondering what have I become? I almost killed the woman I love last night. I’d never forgive myself for that.
‘You’ll never be able to forgive yourself for anything you did these last few months.’
It was getting harder and harder to push that subtle voice away. I thought about going back to bed when a knock sounded at my door. I froze. My control of myself was still questionable.
“Remy? I know you’re in there. Please let me in…please.”
I say nothing, rooted to the spot.
“You can’t just avoid me forever. I just want to talk. Please, Remy. Let me in.””
I get up, slowly, and walk to the door.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I say as I open the door for Rogue.
“Actually, I think now more than ever, I should be here.”
“Are you wearing…?”
“A suppression collar? Yeah. That ain’t the point though. Remy, sit down.”
I take a seat on my bed and Rogue sits beside me, our thighs brushing in a way that makes me wonder if she did it on purpose.
“Talk to me, Sugah. What’s on your mind?”
I don’t speak for a minute. Then, “Anna Marie, I hate what I’ve become. I thought after it transferred, then I would be fine, but…turns out the nightmare’s just begun. Rogue, I…”
“You…what?”
“I feel like a monster. Especially after last night.”
“Remy, you aren’t a monster, you’re a hero.”
‘Liar.’
“Liar,” it was out before I could stop it. I shoot up from the bed. “See! I don’t even have full control of what I say!”
“Remy, that’s what I came to talk about, but I need you to calm down first.”
“Calm down? Ha! How am I supposed to ‘calm down’ when I’m slowly losing myself!”
“Let me be your anchor, Remy. We’ll get through this together.”
‘Dispose. Dispose. Dispose.’
I know my eyes are flashing between normal and glowing red right now. I’m spiraling.
‘Let me help you, guide you. Just let go, Remy.’
Rogue stands up and, never breaking eye contact, grabs my left hand, pulls off my fingerless glove, and presses her hand against mine.
“Remy, I can feel you. Not Death. You. Do you feel me?”
I keep steady eye contact with her.
‘No. No. Say no.’ Death screamed the word.
And yet…
“Yes. I feel you.”
Rogue smiled from ear to ear despite the tears flowing down her cheeks.
“I feel you,” I breath out again, squeezing her hand. My eyes dart to her lips, but…I know the collar is hurting her, I don’t want to push her. So I refocus myself on her eyes, those beautiful, olive-green eyes. Then I grab her other hand, also ungloved, and brought it to my lips, maintaining eye contact with her. Those eyes, they were my anchor. Letting her in again…it made me feel like myself, something I never thought I would feel again. When I started to lower her hand, she broke that hand away, lowered our intertwined hands, and pressed her left hand on my right cheek, rubbing up against the stubble lining my chin and cheeks. I leaned into her touch. Then her eyes fell to my lips and lingered there. She leaned in, giving me every opportunity to say no. I didn’t say anything. And then our lips met, and my whole world was lit up. No powers, no draining, no barriers, just her. I close my eyes, let go of her hand, brace that hand on her waist, and cup the back of her head with my other hand.
Rogue
It had been nice when Remy kissed me to transfer half of Death, but this? This was what I’ve been yearning for since my powers manifested. To be able to kiss Remy without my powers flowing and hurting him was beyond a dream come true. I had both hands combing through his hair, completely ignorant to the growing headache and my now tearstained face.
When we finally break apart, we’re both breathing heavily.
“Thought you only came to talk?” Remy muttered, resting his forehead on mine.
I smile, “Nice to have you back, Cajun.”
“For now, at least,” he smiles back.
“Jean thinks she can help you rebuild your mental state, your mental barriers. If you’re up for it.”
“You gonna stay wit’ me, Chère?”
“Ah’m insulted that you’d think otherwise.”
Remy’s mouth curves into that crooked grin I love as he looks me dead in the eye and says, “Death…he wants my soul, my heart. But there’s something he don’t understand.”
“Oh? And what’s that?”
He leans in so his mouth is right up against my right ear, “Someone already has them,” his breath tickles my ear as his deep voice rumbles through me. I slap him playfully on his shoulder.
Later that afternoon…
The walk to Jean’s room felt much longer than actually was. I led Remy down the hallway, but we didn’t speak. I had put the collar back on, just in case. Remy’s hand brushed against mine every so often as we made our way to the other side of the mansion. I didn’t flinch away. We didn’t even have to knock before Jean opened her door, gesturing us inside.
“I was wondering if you would come.”
Remy offered a weak smile as I squeezed his hand, then let go.
“Almost turned around twice.”
“I know.”
He blinked, “You…do?”
Jean smiled gently, “I felt it.”
She led us to a couch in the corner, and I was surprised to find no machines or papers anywhere. Just the couch for Remy, two chairs for Jean and I, and the sunlight pouring through her window. Remy stopped in front of the chairs.
“I don’t think I can do this.”
Jean stood in front of her seat, beside the chair Remy stood above, “You don’t have to do it all right now.”
“No, I don’t think I can do it at all.”
No one said anything for a minute. Then Jean said softly, “I only want to take a brief look inside your mind.”
Remy’s shoulders stiffened.
“Just long enough to understand what we’re dealing with,” she reassured.
He swallowed, “…Okay.”
Jean stepped closer, “If you want me to stop, just say the word.”
He nodded, still tense, as she reached her hand out to his forehead.
“Ready?”
He took a shaky breath, “…Yeah.”
A blue flash of Jean’s powers and then everything changed. Remy’s breathing hitched and his eyes widened.
“No…” He stumbled backward a step. “No, wait—”
His breathing became ragged and Jean lowered her hand, “Remy.”
But he wasn’t looking at her, his eyes were focused on a spot on the wall across the room, seeing something only he could.
Then I heard it and I knew he did too. I also know Jean couldn’t.
‘Don’t let her in.’
His eyes glowed red.
‘She’ll see what you really are. WHO you really are.’
“No…” he breathed and I could feel his panic as he backed into the wall behind him.
‘Monster.’
His hands were shaking now.
‘Murderer.’
“I said no…” he had that look in his face again. Fear.
‘Dispose of her.’
“Remy!” Jean called, but he couldn’t hear her. He didn’t hear anything as his breathing turned frantic.
I slipped my fingers between his and stepped directly in front of him, the collar humming faintly at the touch.
“Remy,” I tightened my grip on his hand.
Nothing. His eyes were still fixed somewhere beyond me, beyond reality. I reached up with my free hand and gently cupped his face, “Remy.” Still nothing.
A tear rolled down his cheek and I said softly, “Look at me.”
He drew another shaky breath.
“Remy,” I leaned forward until my face was mere inches from his. “Look at me.”
Slowly, as if he was fighting to do so, his eyes found mine and returned to normal. His breathing was still uneven but slowing. I smiled through the pounding behind my eyes.
“There you are.”
His grip tightened around my hand, “So—sorry…”
“You have nothin’ to apologize for.”
He closed his eyes and when he opened them again, they remained red-on-black. Jean watched us in utter silence before giving a slight nod.
“Huh…” she spoke quietly, “He didn’t respond to my voice…but he responded to yours. Rogue, whatever you’re doing…it’s reaching places I can’t. I think you might be the key in getting Remy back to himself.”
“Then let’s do it,” I say, maintaining eye contact with Remy.