Chapter Text
They rarely said, “I love you.” Not in those words, anyway. They’d had to, in the beginning, just to be sure where they stood. It was a weight off both their shoulders, not an obligation to repeat it. One would say it if they were feeling particularly sentimental, or it just seemed like the other needed to hear it.
Mostly, they operated on “show, don’t tell.” Jessie would instinctively lean on his shoulder, or give him a peck on the cheek for seemingly no reason. It happened so frequently that Buzz eventually stopped leaving his helmet closed. After the sort-of-wedding, when she was about to go somewhere with Bonnie, she’d wrap her pinky around his and squeeze for just a second. She never said so, and he never asked, but that was her promising to come back. It was small and understated, and exactly what he needed those first few weeks after she’d been lost.
He still took the deputy role perhaps a little too seriously, but that was no surprise to anyone. “Space Ranger” wasn’t a real title, but he’d always tried to live up to it anyway. Jessie always admired it, but she also told him on several occasions that he was putting too much pressure on himself. He wouldn’t admit it, but he still struggled with any problem that he couldn’t tangibly solve. But loving Jessie meant he had to learn to face some things far beyond his control and trust that, even if she couldn’t stop it, she could endure it.
He tried to be vigilant for circumstances where she might end up in a dark or enclosed space, or for signs that a panic attack was already coming on, but there were times nobody could predict them. All he could do then was try to mitigate it. It was never the exact same routine, but there were steps he could generally follow.
The first, whenever possible, was to get her out of the place she was stuck. After that, they couldn’t know how long it would take to get through it. He’d stay at arm’s length, just close enough that she knew he was there, and talk softly. A familiar voice sometimes helped to ground her. Usually, at some point, she would put her hand on the floor next to her without a word. That was the sign for him to take it, and she’d hold tight to his while she tried to take some deep breaths. It felt the same as it had when she’d held onto it in the furnace, but the more it happened, the less his mind made that connection.
If she could feel a steady, calm presence, it was easier to believe she was out of danger. Sometimes it was him, sometimes Bullseye. If it happened near bedtime, it might even be Bonnie. When it was him, once she got her breaths under control, she’d sit up straighter and bring her knees up to her chest. She’d either rest her head against his shoulder or bury it in her folded arms while he laid a hand gently on her back.
Tonight it was the latter, which meant she had a ways to go before it was really over. They sat in silence for a while before she said something muffled by her arms.
“What?”
She lifted her head and mumbled again, “I hate feelin’ like this.”
His shoulders drooped just a little. “I know,” he said.
She groaned and pressed her fists to her temples. “No, you don’t. I know you've seen it before, I know you’re trying, but you don’t know. Nobody here knows.”
He sighed. “I know –” He shook his head. “I mean – you’re right.”
She let her arms down. “How am I s’posed to be in charge around here when I keep losin’ it all the time?”
It really wasn’t that often at all, but she could concede that later.
“Nobody else melts down ‘cause they get stuck in a box.”
“We weren’t in storage for as long as you were,” said Buzz matter-of-factly.
“I just feel so stupid.”
“You’re not.”
She looked right at him for the first time since it started. The star was starting to peel off again. It was just a tiny little thing from a sheet Bonnie had seen in the convenience store and thrown in with her dad’s multivitamins and paper towels. Jessie hadn’t realized when she’d stuck it on him that he would wear it so proudly, for so long. She really should have expected that.
She pressed the points flat, but they curled right back up. Buzz finally took it off and crumpled it up. Jessie’s eyes widened, and he smirked.
“I don’t need it,” he said.
She matched his smile, then took a long, deep breath. “Okay,” she said on the exhale. “I think I’m alright.”
They sat in relative silence for a minute or two before Buzz spoke again.
“Have you slept at all the last few days?”
She furrowed her brow. “Not like I need to.”
“It's helped before,” he said.
She raised an eyebrow. “You know you don’t need an excuse to put your arm around me, right?”
He let out an amused huff. She lifted his arm and lowered it over her own as she leaned into his side. Her body settled as she closed her eyes and tilted her hat over her face. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and just saw the corners of her mouth turn up under her brim.
They didn’t need to say anything else.