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The title of the article was ‘How Arthur became our favorite damsel in distress’. It made Arthur want to punch things. Especially the accompanying picture which had Arthur firmly in Eames’ enormous arms.
Of course the superhero obsessed with saving Arthur had the lamest name ever. How can you ever be a cool superhero when you’re named after furniture.
He had not even bothered reading the rest of the article after the horrible first paragraph, it was the same crap as usual. The only part he didn’t skip was the writer’s name, it was time for a confrontation with this Ariadne. Her article had only been published two days ago, and it had already managed to ruin his life. If he had a superpower, he would use it to vanquish every journalist in town.
Since Arthur was a poor student, he had to bike all the way to the Inception offices. Speaking of lame names. The receptionist was a pretty redhead, she reminded him of Mary Jane Watson. Arthur could always relate to his own kind.
“Good afternoon,” he said politely, at least he hoped he sounded polite. Being polite was definitely not his default mode. “Would it be possible to talk to Ariadne Harris?”
The redhead gave him a searching look, obviously trying to place him and she succeeded. “Oh my god, are you Arthur? That is like so cool that you’re here. If you’re attacked here, I get to meet Eames.” She was basically clapping hands at this point.
Arthur ignored her obvious enthusiasm about his possible death. “Fingers crossed. But seriously, can I talk to Ariadne Harris. It’s kind of urgent, I have important information,” he whispered.
Her eyes almost popped out which was exactly the reaction he was hoping for. Insinuating that he knew the real identity of Eames, seemed like the best way to get in.
“Of course, Arthur. Take that door and you’ll find Ariadne’s desk on the left in the main office. Oh, and my name is Crystal by the way,” she said with a toothpaste smile.
“Thank you, Crystal. Much appreciated.” He attempted to give her a smile and followed her directions.
It didn’t take him long to locate the nameplate belonging to Ariadne Harris. She seemed absorbed with typing her latest article. Hopefully this one wasn’t about him.
He coughed to get her attention, she looked up questionly but seemed to recognize him immediately.
“Arthur,” she said surprised. “I mean, Mr. Parker, what a surprise. I was certainly not expecting to see you here.”
“Well you’re not the only one who loves to surprise people. You can’t imagine the look on my face when I first saw this article.” He pointed at the paper on her desk. “Or the look on everyone’s face when I’m walking down the street. Even my professors can’t stop staring at me. Do you have any idea what you’ve done to me?”
Ariadne didn’t seem impressed by his outburst. “All I did was write the truth and it’s not like I’m the first person to write about you. The public likes you, almost as much as Eames does.”
“First of all, you can’t claim you’re just writing the ‘truth’, when there is already a lie in your first paragraph. I quote: ‘there seems to be much affection between the superhero and his favorite damsel in distress.’ I have no affection for anyone and certainly not for some lame guy in tights.”
“Are you saying that you don’t like the guy who has saved your life exactly fifteen times?”
Arthur did not understand her skepticism. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. But I didn’t come here to answer your questions, I want to make a deal.”
Ariadne looked intrigued and asked, “What kind of deal?”
“I give you Eames’ real name and in exchange you never write about me again.”
“Hmm, you do realize that even if I never write about you again, that doesn’t stop the other papers in town,” she said, there was clearly some doubt in her voice.
“Yes, I’ve managed to make that same amazing leap. But for some reason Inception is the paper the other ones try to copy. Trust me, I’ve done the market research. Now, unmasking Eames has several advantages for me. Once you write about his real identity, that’s all the other papers are going to focus on, not to mention the internet. Everyone loves a good unmasking. And since most superheroes quit once they’re unmasked...”
Ariadne didn’t seem excited about that part of his plan. “I don’t think this city can afford to lose Eames, especially since it looks like Bass has taken an interest in destroying us.”
“It’s Rever City, everyone is interested in us. There are always going to be superheroes and villains here, we can afford to lose one.”
“I don’t think you realize how amazing Eames is, he saved an orphanage last night, Arthur. Sure this town has loads of superheroes but Eames is vital for Rever City. But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to go along with your plan,” she added.
“I love the immorality of journalists,” Arthur mused.
“I just think it’s wrong that these people who do so many wonderful things for us, have to keep their identity hidden. They deserve to be thanked. I want to change that.”
Arthur rolled his eyes at her, “That’s the point, you’re supposed to want to help mankind, not receive statues in your honor. Whatever, I don’t care what your motivations are, do we have a deal?”
Arthur extended his hand and Ariadne shook it, although a bit reluctantly.
“I really don’t understand why you want to unmask the man who has made it his mission to save you. Who is going to protect you if he does have to quit?”
“Easy, my life was never in danger before he started ‘saving me’. He’s the reason I’m always in danger. All I want is to have my very nice, anonymous life back. And the only way to achieve that, is to get rid of Eames.”
***
A long time ago, Arthur wanted to be a journalist. Luckily, he came to his senses when he joined the school paper in high school and realized that journalism is all about politics and talking to people. That is why he chose science instead. Much less interaction with humans and it was actually helpful.
It was what he hated the most about this whole situation, that he wasn’t able to fully focus on his studies. It didn’t matter where he was, everyone was always staring at him. He wasn’t even safe in class where girls kept asking him for autographs. No, this had to end, one way or another.
The downside of his plan was that he had no idea how to track down a superhero. The only person on campus who was maybe able to help him was Yusuf. He was known as one of the biggest experts on superheroes.
First he had to find some weed, that was the only way to get Yusuf’s attention.
***
When Arthur knocked on Yusuf’s door, it was almost midnight so he probably just got up. The door was in fact opened by a very tired looking Yusuf who looked like he just got dressed. “What can you give me?” he yawned.
Arthur dangled the weed in front of him. “Is that enough?”
Yusuf nodded and let him in. Arthur nearly had a heart attack when he saw the enormous mess that was supposed to be a dorm room. He really had no intention of touching anything in here which was why he ignored Yusuf’s polite invitation to sit down.
Determined to make this a short visit, Arthur got straight to the point. “Ok, I’m here because I want you to help me with Eames.”
The mention of a superhero seemed to wake him up a little. “You’re that Arthur guy right? The one Eames is obsessed with. How can I help you?”
“Well, I’m trying to find out Eames’ real identity and since you’re the expert on superheroes. Do you have any idea?”
Yusuf looked thoughtfully at him. “Do you really have no idea? You’re the one who has spent the most time with him.”
“No, not a clue. I’m guessing that’s what the mask is for in the first place, I did try to rip it off once, but that thing seems to be glued on.”
“Ok, I am a firm believer in the protection of superheroes and their secret identity is a big part of that so I don’t know if I can help you.”
“You don’t understand. How can I ever have a future with Eames if I don’t know who he is?”
“Oh, so your interest in him is of the romantic kind.”
“Exactly,” Arthur lied. He was convinced this was the best strategy to get Yusuf’s help. And apparently he was right.
“Maybe I can help you a little bit,” Yusuf said. “There is a party at Dom Cobb’s mansion tonight.”
Arthur didn’t see how that was supposed to help him but Yusuf continued talking.
“Many people, including me, suspect that Dom and his wife are in fact superheroes themselves. The party they are throwing tonight is in honor of one of their best friends, the British billionaire James Ormond. I’m pretty sure your Eames is going to be there.”
“But how I am supposed to get there?”
“I can’t help you with that part but if it’s true love, I’m sure you’ll find a way,” he grinned.
Arthur started brainstorming and in fact he did know someone who could get him in there, Robert Fischer.
***
The fact that he was actually calling Robert Fischer, proved just how desperate he was. He hadn’t seen him since their dramatic break-up two years ago. Well most of the drama was on Arthur’s side, Robert had been a gentleman as always. Except for the whole cheating on him part, that wasn’t very gentlemanly.
“Arthur, is that you?”
“Yes, it is,” he answered. “Listen, I need a favor.”
“Seriously, this is the first time you wanted to talk to me in two years and you’re immediately demanding a favor? I’m glad to see you haven’t changed.”
“I need an invite to Dom Cobb’s party,” Arthur continued.
It took a couple of seconds before Robert answered, “Actually, I was planning on going to that. James Ormond is one of my business partners. Do you want to be my date?”
“No, but I do want to go.”
“I’ll pick you up at nine, still the same room right?”
“Yes,” he confirmed and promptly hung up. He wasn’t looking forward to Robert’s company but Arthur would do anything for a life without Eames.
***
The rest of the day was only further confirmation that he needed to go forward with this plan. His 60-year-old professor asked how it felt like kissing Eames, his life was officially ridiculous. The only good thing about his life was that he hadn’t been attacked this week. He still had bruises from the last time.
Another thing most people didn’t seem to consider was how much it hurt being tossed around by some villain. He couldn’t even afford going to the hospital most times. He only went when he was reasonably sure he broke something.
He put on the suit he used to wear when he went to dinner parties with Robert. Oddly, that’s exactly what he was wearing when he met Eames for the first time, six months ago. He had an important meeting with the dean and thought the suit would make a nice impression. Of course he got robbed on his way back to his room and that was when Eames saved him for the first time.
The thing about Eames was that he was super strong and athletic. He could knock down a whole building with one punch and could also jump from them without having a scratch. He was more the Hulk type than the Batman type.
That was the exactly the problem with real superheroes. When the Hulk knocked down a building, no problem. But when it happened in real life, it cost millions to repair the damages. Fortunately, that was usually when the most important architectural firm in the country stepped in.
The more he thought about it, the more Arthur became convinced that Yusuf was right about Mal and Dom Cobb. They would be the perfect Shade and Silos. Unlike Eames, their powers were much less physical. Shade could play with someone’s mind and Silos was able to move things with his mind.
There was a very firm knock on the door, Robert obviously. Arthur still wasn’t too pleased about that part of his plan.
“Good evening, Robert,” he greeted him.
“Arthur,” he said, sounding delighted to see him. “What a pleasure it is to finally see you again and you look amazing.”
He went in for a kiss on the cheek, but Arthur dodged him. “Not your date, remember.”
Robert had brought the limo as usual, he liked to flaunt his wealth. Sometimes Arthur genuinely wondered why he ever went out with him in the first place. He must have been very naive back then.
Robert tried to start up a conversation several times, but Arthur just ignored him. He was focused on finding Eames, not reconnecting with his old boyfriend. His only boyfriend really.
Eventually Robert started talking about the person he loved most in this world, himself. His monologue was finished by the time they arrived at Cobb’s mansion.
“Once we’re in, you don’t have to stay with me. Especially if you want to get laid tonight,” Arthur warned him.
“Fine,” Robert agreed, but his face was telling a different story.
They were greeted at the front door by the one of the hosts, Dom Cobb.
“Robert, how great of you to come,” Cobb said. Strangely his face was also telling a completely different story. It wouldn’t surprise Arthur if he wanted to use some of his superpowers on him. Interesting.
“It’s great to be here,” Robert said, looking like he just sucked a lemon. “Can I introduce you to Arthur Parker, he’s my date for the evening.”
“I’m not his date,” Arthur said grimly.
There was a hint of recognition on Dom’s face, he clearly knew exactly who Arthur was.
“I’m sorry for staring, but aren’t you the Arthur they wrote about in the Inception?” he asked Arthur.
“I am,” he confirmed.
“That’s a coincidence, the woman who wrote about you, Ariadne Harris, is here as well. Maybe the two of you can catch up.” Dom seemed perfectly friendly, but that didn’t mean Arthur didn’t want to punch him.
Ariadne’s presence made things even more complicated. Not to mention the fact that Ariadne could have her own suspicions about Eames. Arthur was determined to find out before her.
While he was busy scheming, Robert had struck up a conversation with someone called Saito. Arthur carefully removed himself from Robert’s arm and went off to mingle. Not one of his favorite activities in the world but sacrifices must be made for the cause of the greater good, his solitude.
His solitude was lost once again when he bumped into an enormous chest, luckily he didn’t have a drink in his hands.
“I do apologize,” the man said. “That was very clumsy of me, or maybe it wasn’t,” he added when he saw Arthur’s face. The same face that was currently sending him death glares, he had no idea why he kept looking so friendly back at him.
He introduced himself with a huge grin, “I’m James Ormond, this party was thrown in my honor.”
Ah, so he was the British billionaire with the enormous chest. Wait a minute, could it really be that easy?
“I’m Arthur, but you probably knew that already,” he said.
“Yes, I’m a big fan of Inception. Best paper on the market I say and I’m not just saying that because I own it.”
“Of course not,” Arthur said through gritted teeth. If he really was Eames, his plan just got shattered.
“So what brings you here, Arthur?” Potential Eames asked brightly.
“Oh, I’m here with Robert Fischer. I believe he is a business partner of yours.”
Just like Cobb, he didn’t seem too pleased about Robert’s presence. “Right, he does like his eye candy.”
“Excuse me,” Arthur replied offended. “Do I look like someone’s eye candy? I’ve got better things to do, I’m a freaking scientist.”
“So if you’re not here for Robert then what brings you here?”
“I’m here to talk to Ariadne Harris, one of your employees. She wrote a horrible article about me,” Arthur said conspiratorially, or at least pretending to be. He was acting his ass off lately.
“Did she now?” James was barely able to hide his curiosity. Arthur felt like he was playing games at a very high level now.
“Yes, she wrote that I have some kind of affection for this Eames. That’s just not true, in fact I hate the guy. You’re the owner of the paper, don’t you consider it your responsibility to tell people the truth?” Arthur asked innocently, his babyface did come in handy sometimes.
“It’s a tremendous responsibility, my shoulders start to ache after a while. But if you really do hate the guy, then that’s exactly what Ariadne’s next article should be about. Since she’s here, why don’t you do an interview with her. So you can tell her all about the hate you have for this guy.”
Arthur tried to study his face, hoping to spot his true emotions but James Ormond looked as charming as ever. He was never getting the truth out of him, at least not by talking to him.
“You’re probably right,” Arthur agreed meekly. “But before I do that, could I talk to you in private? There is something else I need to discuss, about Robert.”
“Of course,” James said. “Let’s go to the kitchen, we can talk in private there.”
The kitchen was indeed empty. James started asking if there was something wrong with Robert but before he could say much more, he had Arthur’s tongue stuck down his throat. He wasn’t exactly resisting him either. After a couple of minutes, Arthur had his answer.
He ended their kiss, removed James’ hand from his ass and then proceeded to slap him in the face.
“Ouch, why did you just slap me? I thought we were getting on quite well.”
“Why do you think I’m slapping you, Eames!” Arthur yelled, unable to control his anger. “That’s right, I know exactly who you are. Since the last time you rescued me, you decided a thank you kiss was in order.”
“You were the one who kissed me,” Eames pointed out smugly.
“Yes, because I knew that was the one way I could recognize you outside of your ridiculous costume and it worked. You have a very unique kissing technique and that is not a compliment.”
“Arthur, I can explain everything,” Eames said, much more serious now.
“I don’t need an explanation, what I need is for you to leave me alone. I want a quiet life so I want you to stop saving me.”
“So I should just let you die? I can’t do that.”
“Do you honestly think it’s just a coincidence that all those supervillains are after me? They know that by targeting me, they can get to you. And for some reason, you’re everyone’s favorite target lately. Promise me you’ll leave me alone or I will unmask you.”
Realization dawned on Eames’ face. “Ah, so that’s what the whole Ariadne thing was about. I should have known.”
“Yes, I actually thought she knew something but she clearly has no clue that her own boss is the one behind that mask. Now stop avoiding the point, are you going to promise me or not?”
“I can’t,” Eames said solemnly. “I can’t promise you that, especially not tonight. Bass is here tonight.”
“What a coincidence that the most dangerous supervillain in our lovely city just happens to be here. My life is just one unfortunate event.”
“I’m genuinely sorry that you got caught up into this mess. You’re right about one thing, your life would be a lot less dangerous without my involvement. But you can’t blame me for wanting to save someone I like.”
“Like! How can you like me? It’s not like we had any deep conversations when you were busy knocking monsters out.”
“I realize that, but now that you know who I am, maybe we could..”
“Start dating,” Arthur interrupted him. “Are you insane? I just told you I want my life to be as uncomplicated as possible, I’m not going to start dating a superhero.”
“Then unmask me so I won’t be a superhero any longer. Just an incredibly muscled and hot billionaire, I can live with that,” he said sarcastically. He was treating this whole thing, including Arthur’s life, as one big joke.
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen, alright? You’re going to back to saving those poor orphans and I’ll go back to doing scientific research and eventually win a Nobel Prize. You can’t have both.”
“But if I’m no longer a superhero,” Eames insisted.
“Then you’re still not my type. I’ve already tried the whole rich, charismatic guy thing, didn’t work out.”
“Are you talking about Robert Fischer? You can’t compare me to him, he’s a …”
“Supervillain,” Arthur filled in when the realization hit him. “That’s exactly what he is, that explains everything. I should have realized this years ago, I really was naive. That asshole, he even brought me here.”
“He’s probably planning on stealing something,” Eames told him. “A weapon we stole from him some time ago. If he gets it back, this could be the end of …”
“Then why are you standing here, talking to me? Do something about it!”
“We’re working on it, but he took us by surprise,” he explained. “None of us expected him to show up here.”
“How many superheroes are here tonight?”
“Enough,” Eames smiled. “But Robert is a crafty one, he controls water which is quite a neat power since the human body has lots of water in it. He can kill someone with one finger snap. We are currently trying to control his mind.”
“I’m the one who told you he was here, so how do you know what’s happening right now?” Arthur demanded to know.
“This is not the first time we had a confrontation with Robert. Trust me, we are dealing with him.”
Arthur laughed, but it was a very bitter laugh. “Trust you, now that’s a good joke. You have been lying to me ever since we met. Give me one good reason I should trust you.”
“I saved your life fifteen times, I’m quite dedicated to saving your lovely bum.”
“You’re a bastard, Eames.”
Eames stepped closer to him. “Please, Arthur, trust me. You’re the only one in this mansion Robert cares about. If he brought you here, he was planning on bringing you home safely. Get him outside so we can deal with him.”
“Fine, I’ll do it. I don’t want anyone in this huge mansion to get hurt. But that’s it for you and me. I’m not seeing you again after this.”
“I promise. If I see you in a burning building, I’ll continue walking.”
“Whatever,” Arthur said. Not the most mature response, but Arthur had never claimed to be a very mature guy. He was still processing the fact that he had dated a villain for two years, not to mention the fact that he just kissed a superhero. When did his life become so exciting and how could he stop all this excitement.
He approached Robert with the intention of getting him out of here as quickly as possible. One strategy always worked with him.
“Robert, want to fuck?”
“Ok,” he agreed immediately.
That was the easy part, now Arthur had to hope that Eames had sufficiently warned his mind controlling friend. Once they were outside, Robert got straight down to business. Not a believer in foreplay that one. He literally pushed Arthur against one of the trees in the garden and started sucking on his neck. Arthur was starting to wonder if he was a vampire as well. Arthur pushed his mouth off his neck, Robert saw that as a sign to push Arthur on his knees and really get down to business.
Fortunately, that’s when Eames beat the crap out of him. Actually, one very strategized hit to the head was all it took, Robert was unconscious and Arthur’s virtue was saved. How wonderful. Eames gave him a hand in getting up and that’s when it hit him that he hadn’t put on a costume this time. It was James Ormond coming to his rescue, not Eames.
“Why did you choose the name Eames?” he asked, looking him straight in the eyes, even though Eames was looking at him quite intensely.
“Just a play on the name of the other famous Eames. That was his name, Charles Ormond Eames. My father’s name is Charles and that’s my official name as well. That makes me Charles James Ormond. But my friends call me James.”
“I think I prefer James too, as long as you don’t make lame Bond jokes of course.”
“Hardly ever get a chance too, people keep making them for me. What do you say, Arthur? Should I give you a lift, I think poor Robert will be disposed for quite a while.”
There was a crew working on moving Robert’s body. Arthur didn’t think he was coming back anytime soon.
“You can take me home, and pick me up at seven tomorrow. I’ll need a day of rest to recover from all this drama.”
Eames’ face had a huge smile on it. “Are you serious?”
“I’m always serious,” Arthur answered. “I’m still not happy with the whole secret identity part, but I’m starting to see the advantages of it. Like, I can date James without everyone saying I’m Eames’ boyfriend.”
“Are you saying you want to date me to prove to people that you’re not dating Eames? How devious of you,” Eames said, sounding quite impressed.
“I’m quite the schemer,” Arthur said mischievously.
“Yes, I think you’ll fit right in with the rest of the gang. Come back in, I’ll introduce you to Dom and Mal. The best superheroes in town, if I’m on holiday obviously.”
“I do need you to promise me one thing, I don’t want Ariadne to write another article about me. In fact, maybe you should just buy up all the papers in town to make sure of that.”
“I’m glad you’re on the good side, you would make quite the villain. I’ll tell Ariadne that there are plenty of other damsels in distress she can concentrate on.”
“That’s another thing,” Arthur said, while they were walking back to the house. “Why is there no male equivalent of damsel in distress. Do you have any idea what damsel even means, it makes no sense to call me that.”
“No idea, darling, but I’m sure you can tell me all about it,” Eames said, looking at Arthur like he was the one who had just saved the world.