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It started as one of their typical fights. Anon would do something stupid, Soyo would get annoyed, Anon would add fuel to the fire just because pushing her girlfriend's buttons was fun, and Soyo would get even angrier. To be honest, Soyo couldn't even remember why she was upset anymore; she had simply let herself get carried away by the moment, taking for granted that Anon could never be hurt by any of her thorns.
She had made a massive mistake.
Soyo almost missed it, the way Anon's face shifted from amusement to utter disbelief, followed by a fleeting glimpse of pain that squeezed Soyo's heart.
To her growing worry, Anon went completely quiet, avoiding Soyo's gaze and choosing to look right through her, staring at the wall instead. Everything fell silent, which was terrifying considering she was in the same room as Anon.
Until Anon started to laugh, and Soyo's fear only intensified.
"You're right!" The smile on her face looked more like a grimace; Soyo could tell Anon was right on the verge of breaking down into bitter tears.
And it was all her fault.
Anon, her bright, cheerful and beautiful girlfriend, looked like she wanted to run away from the room. Soyo was still in shock, both by the blasphemy that had spilled from her own mouth and by Anon's reaction.
"W-Wow, it's pretty late." Anon's voice cracked for a split second, and Soyo felt like the absolute worst, most wretched piece of trash. The evening light washing over Anon's hair was proof that she was lying; Anon usually stayed much later, despite Soyo's protests.
"Anon-chan..." she finally managed to react.
"I'm going home now." Anon evaded her as she gathered her bag and her guitar. Soyo felt suffocated. How could she fix this? Anon was usually the one who apologized and mended things. Maybe she would forget about it if she gave her some time?
While Soyo was still processing what to do, Anon had already taken her things and reached the door, never turning back to look at her.
"See you tomorrow" it was a whisper, as if she didn't have the strength to speak any louder. When Anon closed the door behind her, Soyo felt her heart sink into her stomach. She had just made a terrible mistake.
The chill of loneliness and the sting of regret made her realize just how much she loved Anon's goodbye ritual, where it was always so difficult to pry her away from a hug so she would go home at a decent hour. Anon used to try to convince her by giving her deep, loving kisses, seizing the moment while Soyo was completely dazed to ask if she could stay over.
She felt a tear slip down her cheek.
Anon was supposed to stay tonight.
What had happened?
Anon never took her teasing too far; she knew which topics were personal and untouchable for Soyo, but Soyo didn't know where Anon's boundaries lay. She was a terrible girlfriend. Anon had made sure to ask her directly what was off-limits, and Soyo had asked her back, but the guitarist had insisted there was nothing she couldn't handle.
Soyo thought that made sense; Anon usually came out victorious and laughing every time they had an argument. Only now did she realize how stupid she had been for not pressing further. She had taken her girlfriend for granted, and in any relationship, that is a fatal mistake.
"Anon..."
How could she fix this? She had to apologize, but Anon most likely didn't want to see her right now; she had wounded her deeply.
It hurt, but she would have to wait a little before she could talk to Anon. She sat down on the living room sofa, feeling it much emptier than usual.
They were arguing... about what? Why did they even start this time? Soyo bit her lip, and the sting brought back the memory. Anon had bitten her lip too hard with her fang; it wasn't intentional, Anon had claimed. Apparently, the fact that Soyo had caressed her thigh under her skirt, much higher than she ever had before, had startled her, causing the accidental bite. Soyo had then complained about Anon's lack of interest, trying to justify her own wandering hands.
Anon had always been so careful and respectful with Soyo, always letting Soyo set the pace, but the bassist craved her girlfriend's touch. She wanted to know she wasn't the only one who had trouble sleeping, spending the whole night remembering her kisses.
Somehow, the argument had shifted from their lack of intimacy to which of the two was the bigger coward. Then they were praising each other's bodies, listing reasons why it was perfectly normal to be nervous about trying to touch your girlfriend when she was such a total knockout. It had been fun up to that point; Anon's compliments always filled her with warmth.
Then, for some reason, they started talking about jealousy and which of them was being closer than they should be to other girls (neither of them, it should be noted; Soyo was just possessive, while Anon always gave her her proper place as her girlfriend). Anon teased her about her jealousy, and Soyo hadn't reacted well.
And... ah, it was her fault the argument took a turn. Soyo had started attacking on a more personal level.
Anon hadn't said anything out of line.
"Maybe I should have looked for a less womanizing girlfriend," Soyo had said as a joke, but making her discontent with Anon's physical affection toward other girls clear.
"Maybe I should have looked for a girlfriend who argues less and pampers me more."
That worried Soyo, scared her, to be more precise. Was Anon getting tired of their arguments? She had panicked; the mere thought of Anon leaving her was agonizing. She hadn't processed what she was feeling in that moment, letting her pain explode into anger.
"Good luck finding anyone else who will put up with you."
Soyo bolted up from the sofa.
She was an absolute idiot.
The memory of Anon's reaction was now burned into her retinas; she couldn't stop seeing it. She should have known Anon was sensitive when it came to how people perceived her loud, outgoing personality. Soyo knew about the hurtful comments Anon had received in the past. Anon never set a boundary, but Soyo should have known it was still painful for Anon to hear comments like that, worse still coming from her own girlfriend.
Soyo quickly searched for Anon's number and called her. She had no hope that she would answer, but to her surprise, after a long while, she picked up.
"Soyo-san?" Anon's voice sounded thick and nasal. Soyo wanted to rip her own hair out in sheer self-loathing. "I'm still on the train, I can't talk right now..."
"Anon-chan, please, listen to me," she pleaded in a soft voice. She could hear Anon's gasp of disbelief. "Come back, please. I need to apologize in person. I'm so sorry, please."
"S-Soyo-san, you don't have to-"
"If you don't come back, I'm coming to you." She went to the door to put on her shoes.
"Soyo-san..."
"Actually, that's a better idea. I'll look for you, Anon. Wait for me at your house-"
"Soyo!"
Soyo froze in her tracks.
"I... want to... I just..." She heard her take a deep breath, and Soyo just wanted to hold her. "It's not necessary. I'll be fine in the morning. It's just that I'm sensitive sometimes, I exaggerate things..."
"It's not fine, Anon. I said something horrible to you. You have every right to be upset, you're not exaggerating."
"You told the truth."
"It's not the truth! Anon, I was jealous and scared, and I hurt you. Don't deny that I hurt you, at least accept that much."
"I... yeah... it hurt a little, but it doesn't matter. It was ridiculous anyway."
"It wasn't, Anon, please... Let's talk about this. Let me come find you." Soyo dropped to her knees, defeated, even though Anon couldn't see her. "I know I don't deserve it, but I can't leave things like this. You don't deserve to be treated this way."
"Soyo..."
"Please..."
Anon's sigh echoed through the line.
"I'll come over. We'll have more privacy to talk at your place." Anon hung up.
Soyo felt like she could breathe again. She hadn't realized she was drowning in negative thoughts that were dragging her to the depths of her mind. She was on the surface now, but still swimming in anxiety.
What could she do to show Anon she was sorry? Just saying it wouldn't be enough.
She didn't know how long it had taken her to call Anon, but night was falling now. Perhaps it would be appropriate to prepare a hot bath and some food for when Anon returned, though she wasn't sure either of them would have an appetite. She could make some tea to try to relax and organize her thoughts.
A long time passed, perhaps even longer than it took Anon to get to the train. Soyo set the bathtub to fill and put the kettle on. Just as she was trying to relax on the sofa with a cup of tea, she heard a knock at the door. Anon had a copy of the key, though it wasn't surprising to Soyo that Anon hadn't wanted to just walk in. With her heart in her throat, she went to the door to welcome her.
Soyo almost lost the strength to stand for the second time that day. First, out of relief that her girlfriend had actually come back, and second, because of the state she was in. Anon's eyes were red and swollen, her bottom lip was still trembling slightly, and there were traces of tears on her cheeks that she hadn't quite managed to wipe away.
She wanted to hug her and comfort her, but she didn't know if the gesture would be welcome right now. It hurt to feel Anon's coldness during the rare times Anon wasn't in the mood.
She stepped aside and motioned for her to come in. Anon avoided eye contact the entire time, walking with her shoulders slumped, as if trying to hide herself.
"Good luck finding anyone else who will put up with you."
Those words flashed back to her every single second she looked at Anon's dejected figure. Soyo wanted to tear out her own heart and offer it to Anon with her last breath. Her love bordered on obsession and she knew it, but she had always known how to control herself. Now, her most obsessive side just wanted to prove to her girlfriend how devoted she was, and how far she would go to earn her forgiveness.
She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself.
"Anon-chan." Anon practically jumped, as if she hadn't expected Soyo to call her name.
Anon's gray eyes finally connected with hers, and Soyo wanted to cry all over again. There was so much sadness and pain in those eyes; even with the mask of indifference Anon was trying to put on, her eyes had always been incredibly expressive.
"Let's sit down first. You can leave your things here, I'll pick them up later," Soyo offered.
Anon nodded, dropping her bag and her guitar in the hallway as if she didn't have the strength to carry them any further. They walked over to the sofa and sat down, leaving a distance between them that ached in Soyo's chest, though she understood it.
"What I said..." Soyo began, "It was wrong. It was horrible. I said it with every intention of hurting you in that moment, and I am truly sorry." She sought out Anon's gaze. "I'm sorry, Anon-chan. I'm so, so sorry. You have every right to be mad at me for as long as you want. I will apologize for as long as it takes."
"Y-You're taking it way too seriously, Soyo-san." Anon waved her hand dismissively, as if trying to play it down. "We were just messing around. I'm just a bit of a crybaby, you don't have to—"
"Anon." Soyo closed the distance and took her hands so she would pay attention. "Please, tell me the truth."
Anon shifted in her seat, nervous and hesitant. Soyo caressed the backs of her hands with her thumbs, hoping to soothe her a little.
"You told me I hurt you. It wasn't an exaggeration. It's only natural that you felt that way after what I said."
Anon gave a soft nod.
"It hurt." Her voice broke, a lump still tight in her throat. Soyo felt what was left of her heart shatter into even smaller pieces. She tried to wipe away Anon's tears with her thumb, taking the opportunity to cradle her cheek. "I-It hurt a lot."
"I'm so sorry. I regret everything I said." Anon's tears kept falling, even tracing a path over Soyo's hand. "I don't believe a word of what I said. In fact, it's quite the opposite."
Anon looked at her, confused, but without pulling away from Soyo's touch.
"I panicked when you said you wanted someone more affectionate, and I thought... that it would be so easy for you to find someone else. You're... you're so easy to love, Anon." This time, Soyo's own eyes welled with tears, but she didn't let them fall; she didn't have the right.
The look of surprise on Anon's face made her feel as though she had said something foolish. Anon placed her hands over Soyo's, which were still resting on her cheeks.
"That's not true."
"Maybe, but we're not talking about me. Anon, you-"
"Soyo." Hearing her name without any honorifics always made her feel dizzy; Anon only used it when she wanted Soyo to pay absolute attention. "It hurt because I thought there was a chance you were getting tired of me. I couldn't bear to lose you," Anon finally admitted. Soyo couldn't fathom a world where she wasn't in love with Anon. If only Anon knew how massive her love was, so vast that Soyo constantly had to suppress it so as not to scare her away.
"I love our dynamic. I love being able to bicker with you over any stupid little thing. It feels like... freedom, you know? Being myself, without the fear of you walking away," Soyo said softly, laying her heart bare. Anon looked at her with pure affection, her tears finally ceasing thanks to Soyo's comforting caresses. "There is no way I could ever tire of you. And if you think that, it's only because I haven't shown you how much I love you." She pressed a long, lingering kiss to Anon's forehead to emphasize her point.
"That's not true," Anon countered.
"It is."
"I feel loved when I'm with you. You spoil me and pamper me every single day. I know how you show your love." Anon sighed in contentment as Soyo kissed her cheeks. "There's no one else I'd rather be with. And if you think otherwise, it's only because I haven't shown you how much I love you."
"Now you're just being ridiculous."
"See how it sounded to me now?"
Soyo rested her forehead against Anon's.
"I really am sorry, darling," Soyo whispered, almost entirely out of breath. Anon melted at the pet name, nuzzling her nose gently against Soyo's.
"You should have told me you were feeling insecure." Anon pulled back slightly to look at her seriously. "I wouldn't have joked about something like that. I would have made you understand that you're the only one for me. I know you, Soyo. I know how you show your love for me, you make me feel special."
Soyo gazed at her lovingly, wiping away the remnants of tears and smuddled makeup with her sleeve.
"I could say the exact same to you." Anon looked at her, perplexed, and averted her eyes. Soyo gently caught her chin, tilting her face back up so their eyes met once more.
"What I said was awful, but honestly, I didn't expect you to react like this. I thought you'd get annoyed and hurl an insult right back at me. You usually seem so invincible sometimes, no matter how cruel my words are, that I occasionally take too many liberties. I have no idea what actually crosses the line for you. I need you to set a boundary with me."
"I get what you're saying. The thing is... I don't really know exactly where my boundaries are yet."
"Have I hurt you like this in the past?"
Anon went quiet, trying to look away again, but a alarmed Soyo wouldn't let her.
"Anon?"
"A couple of times, back when we were just friends. I'd distance myself until I felt better. I figured I just needed to be tougher to be around you if that was going to happen often. I thought maybe you wouldn't notice me if I was just a big crybaby."
It felt as if a bucket of ice water had been dumped down her back, hail, even. All those times Anon had vanished for weeks suddenly made perfect sense. She remembered feeling confused and lonely, thinking that maybe Anon had finally left her alone, yet always aching with how much she missed her.
"What did I say to you? Maybe they have something in common."
Anon bit her lip with her fang, hesitant. Soyo remembered that Anon had used that exact same fang to bite her earlier; it still throbbed slightly. She shook the thought away to focus; they were having a much-needed conversation.
"I don't remember exactly. I know it was something along the lines of 'why do you have to be like this?' more or less."
"Come here."
Soyo patted her lap, inviting Anon to take a seat. The pink-haired girl looked confused for a second, but straddled her lap anyway, draping her legs around Soyo's hips and wrapping her arms behind her neck. Soyo held her tight, stroking her back up and down, feeling her close, rocking them gently while breathing in the deep scent of her hair.
"I love you, Anon." She could feel Anon's pulse quicken beneath her lips against her neck, where she let them rest. "I love your personality. I love who you are." She pulled back to look into her eyes, only to find Anon crying yet again. "You brighten up my days with your smile. You shine so brightly, my love. When you're not around, everything feels cold."
"I hate the fact that people criticized your personality so much in the past that you feel insecure about it now. Myself included."
Anon's lips trembled, caught somewhere between a smile and a tearful grimace.
"I will never insult who you are again. I am so deeply sorry for what I said. I'm sorry, Anon."
"I'll forgive you..." Anon hid her face in the crook of Soyo's neck, hugging her even tighter. "If we can just stay like this for a little longer."
"For as long as you want, love."
Anon felt her face burning hot. Soyo smiled with satisfaction, feeling the warmth radiating from her girlfriend's body.
"I set the bath to be ready an hour before you got here, so it should be full by now. Do you want to take a bath?" Soyo suggested, resuming her soothing caresses along Anon's back.
Anon shook her head, pulling back to pout in a way that severely tempted Soyo to kiss her.
"Not yet. I want to stay right here with you a bit longer."
"Oh, we can stay just like this... in the tub."
It was highly amusing to watch Anon's face turn a darker shade of red by the second. When she began to stammer, it was utterly adorable. Soyo couldn't help but finally lean in and kiss her. Her lips were warm and tasted faintly of tears; she traced her tongue along her lips to wipe away those lingering traces of sadness, causing Anon to nearly bite her lip all over again.
"Soyorin!" Ah, there it was. She was starting to miss that nickname.
"You don't want to?"
Suddenly, the caresses on Anon's back were having an effect that was anything but relaxing compared to just moments ago.
Anon lowered her head, looking up at Soyo through her eyelashes, flustered.
"I do."
Soyo smiled tenderly, brushing her fingers against Anon's
flushed cheeks before pulling her in for a kiss.
"You are so cute. I love you."
"Mmm, love you too," Anon whispered between kisses.
Soyo learned something vital about her girlfriend that day, aside from her boundaries.
Anon really likes to bite.