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Megan knew eyes told stories. Her grandmother - her po po had taught her old sayings, drilling it into her head since she was a little girl big enough to pick up and cradle, weighing as much as two watermelons.
Maybe “drill” wasn’t the right way to say it. Maybe her po po would say “keeping the traditions alive.” That’s what she had gotten used to saying when a sniffling blonde girl asked her why she was so wise.
“The eyes are the windows to the soul”, she used to hear, giggling and holding up “Little Red Riding Hood” while calloused hands gently stroked her hair and picked up the colourful children’s book with a smile.
That specific string of words started to dawn on her when she started middle school, freshly a teen. She dated, not dated, but had a thing with a girl whose eyes flickered the way a dysfunctional lightbulb would with hesitancy. Hesitancy, hesitancy, guilt, more hesitancy, a lot of hesitancy, and more guilt. As if she were just experimenting with things and fucking around, normal teen stuff. Megan still talks about that “first love” of hers with an ironic fondness. As if the girl treated their thing seriously enough for the experiment to succeed. As if Megan wasn’t hiccuping into her snot-covered pillow when they broke up because of the exact reason she had anticipated
The words gnawed at the back of her mind when she kissed a guy with a mischievous glint in his eyes masked with a fake and half-hearted cover of charm that he didn’t even bother to keep up with when she agreed to kiss him. Sure enough, Megan overheard him boasting to his buddies about “bagging a a hot chick” when lying restless in the low-quality sheets on a bed in a cheap motel room. That was when management had to personally ask him to shut the fuck up about his “hot stuff.”
It became second nature to her, scanning for certain cues in people’s eyes. She’d seen young budding actresses with determined looks piercing through the pre-audition period while rereading her script over and over again because she got stuck on one line. She’d seen judging stares from people who looked like they had a permanent scowl on their faces as they watched her perform, then let her go like she was nothing particularly important, but she knew she was from the hinting light of satisfaction layered deep below.
She remembered reading too much between the lines in the story Yoonchae’s eyes – which is ironic, being dyslexic and all – first told her when the 15-year-old girl rolled her suitcase into the Dream Academy training room for the first time. Of course, there’s the inevitable fear and the feeling of unbelonging, not to mention the fact that Yoonchae spent her whole life inside four mirrored walls was served to her on a silver platter. How sad must that be, she initially thought. Still, she felt the need to cut into the juicy buttery steak to see what’s inside, and she kept cutting and cutting and cutting it into teeny tiny bits until it’s all mushy and gooey and she didn’t even know what she was going for anymore.
Perhaps it’s because she pried the metaphorical piece of beef with a pair of Korean metal chopsticks instead of the usual American fork and knife set or even the same traditional Chinese wooden pair she managed to use whenever her mom made Cantonese food. The Korean ones were short, too short for her liking and they were slippery. Yoonchae wasn’t used to the fork and knife set just yet. She still used the short metal chopsticks whenever they ate, and whenever she did pick up the fork she’d slip and apologize for slipping and slip again, the same way she’d make mistakes when talking in English.
Yoonchae’s English wasn’t really that good yet when the metal dome serving her story was lifted, and a layer of smoke clouded Megan’s vision. She remembered lying awake at night connecting those two things together, and they didn’t seem to make five. It made sense, somehow. The layer of smoke being the language barrier (read: Yoonchae’s broad accent) that kept her away from fully understanding this new girl, even though Yoonchae technically spoke in English for most of the time. She attributed the invisible language barrier to her dyslexia for the inability to process new language (she felt xenophobic, really) somehow because her woke inner side was beating her up, she shifted the blame to the American surroundings she grew up in, which didn’t work either because the US was a diverse playground and she was sure she heard a broader range of accents than Yoonchae’s.
It was probably all the clouds that clouded Yoonchae’s judgement (ha, clouds. clouded. get it?) for she had mistaken Megan for a fellow Korean when she first laid eyes on her.
“한국에서 오셨나요? - Are you from Korea?” Megan heard Yoonchae say, only catching the words “you” - 너 and “Korea” - 한국
She must have caught the hint of East Asian descent in Megan’s features, with big doe eyes a little larger than Yoonchae’s and so much larger than the stereotypical Chinese eyes. She scoffed, but she didn’t pull out the “woke olympic” move as she did to herself last night. Instead, she politely shook her head, saying something along the lines of “No” and “Sorry.” She watched the younger’s face form a slight frown before reluctantly walking somewhere else
Megan didn’t know how long it took for Yoonchae’s eyes to stop looking like endless voids and start showing a little light at the end of the tunnel. She felt like she was in that tunnel, really, lost in Yoonchae’s eyes the way she could literally do jumping jacks out of joy when the younger girl’s eyes softened a bit when they were recording challenges, practicing choreo, or chugging down too much water needed for a person so as to not damage their vocals. The tunnel-feeling was also there because the little glimpse of hope she thought she saw in the pitch-dark cavity withered away as the camera lighting shut off. It was a mere reflection; she grunted with disappointment. Made sense why Megan thought Yoonchae's eyes shined the brightest while in the same-ish four mirrored walls she thought the Korean had grown tired of a while back. It's perfectly logical; she really assumed that Yoonchae loved the studio that much. Or she assumed Yoonchae got fed up with the trainee life. Either way, it was just an assumption. Either way, Megan didn't like it. Assumptions only cause more flowery words that make no sense to her at all. She didn't like that. She'd rather succinct, simple answers be handed to her, or to "have her cake and eat it", if her situation was the topic of those fancy-sounding reading assignments.
Megan never understood the fuss among non-native English speakers to try and master the language that even those with 50 generations rooted in London probably couldn't. She formed that thought when glancing at Yoonchae's workbook dotted with words and phrases she'd never seen before. She must have been living in an ivory tower then, because the little box with a thumbs-up stock image clearly read: "Use these to sound like a native speaker! Be as cool as a cucumber.” type shit. If they were for the comic relief then they sucked.
It's not actually a "glance" at Yoonchae's book but Megan was staring at it, taking in the subconscious taking in the scratching of the ballpoint pen on that high-quality thick paper, and the occasional frustrated clicking sounds. The words danced in front of her eyes, as if they were in a ballroom trying to make themselves stand out. With how fancy they seem, they might as well be, trying to catch Yoonchae's attention so she could fill in the gaps of her notebook.
The words seemed to be spinning and waltzing in Yoonchae's eyes too. Megan saw it. They danced and probably sang, blurring together into something that resembles a heap of tangled threads that usually appears in cartoon characters' eyes when they are in a fix, with that 50s television static.
She saw Yoonchae blink, temporarily smoothing the thread, forming a not-so-perfect circle before returning to static, a heap again because Yoonchae wanted the circle to be perfect.
Megan recognized those eyes somewhere else. From when she diverted her eyes to focus on herself, set in the full-body mirror, Yoonchae caught her staring for a little too long to be polite. She also recognized the slightly furrowed brows and the groans of discontent when she — they, she and Yoonchae both hadn't gotten their part of the cake yet. Megan wondered if Yoonchae could see right through her eyes. She had been told she’s got a transparent face before.
The reason why foreigners, Yoonchae specifically, were so fixated on sounding fancy hadn't come to Megan yet. She sarcastically rolled her eyes, pretending not to care and coming up with a silly little excuse so as to satisfy her mind, like writing Shakespeare-level fanfics if she ever debuted and shipped with another member with "English is not my first language" in the notes and tons of comments ooh-ing and ahh-ing at how poetic she sounded. It's a little too silly. Megan audibly laughed at herself. That startled the younger, of course. Megan had to quickly come up with an excuse, saying she could help. Yoonchae perked up from hearing the barely audible offer to help. Megan plopped down at the littlest nod, showing acceptance. They sat there on the sofa, fingers underlining a lot of dotted gaps and eyes squinting at a lot of overly highlighted lines, Megan scratching her chin and cracking her corny jokes, making Yoonchae giggle a little. The breath of air she let out blew a few clouds away. Light reflected more properly in her eyes now. "These words look... more big issue than they are." Yoonchae croaked, tired.
It was another restless night for Megan, anxiety taking over and making her think too much, much more than she ever needed to. She worried more about the reason why foreign English books emphasize so much on advanced vocabulary and grammar, why she was so keen on Yoonchae (doing those heavy tome books) specifically. She could be dissecting the fierce look in Daniela’s eyes or the charm Lara had. She could also be interested in why Sophia radiated that leader aura from her.
Maybe they wanted to appear more important, more fluent than they actually are, the non-natives, Megan meant. She turned to her side right on the bed, the pressure of the pillow pressing on a temple probably pushing out a new thought. Why Megan might be caring for Yoonchae so much was that she was making an effort to care more than she should, in this ruthless, literal survival show after all. Getting too attached hurts you. Megan sighed.
May Yoonchae be as fluent as she seemed, smoothly applying those fancy words, and may Megan care as much as she should, maybe more, if she needed to. She didn't want to care less. May Yoonchae stick around long enough for her to care.
That night, when she closed her eyes and finally settled into her sleep, she saw her dream self seeing right through Yoonchae and writing fanfics of the member she was shipped with the perfect Yoonchae characterization, getting as much praise as Yoonchae for her Shakespeare-level writing. Maybe the night wasn't so restless after all. Some other Dream Academy girl photographed Megan smiling into her pillow the following morning.
(*)
Yoonchae started chuckling and giggling more than before, having gotten more used to. The laughs probably dissolved all the clouds in her eyes, glittering and sparkling with joy when she babbled in Korean to Nayoung or Karlee. She deserved it, really, a north star in this dark industry. But Megan just wished she were the North Star sometimes. She missed relating to Yoonchae about the difficulties of English. But relating didn't help much. Nayoung understood her on another level, literally. Like how Emily could laugh with Megan about TikTok cat memes and Hollywood stars gossip. She got dragged away by the active conversation about a matter she was unnecessarily thoroughly educated about, shifting her attention to showing the girls who's boss. It resulted in a video of Megan asking her fellow contestants if they wanted to see her moonwalk that will be there haunting her and her children and her children's children and her children's children's children... "Insane digital footprint", she will say, rewatching that years later.
She still cuddled with Yoonchae at night, running her hands through the Korean's hair while patiently waiting for Yoonchae's thoughts to form and Yoonchae's words to push out. "Run my hands through your short black hair", she wandered to that one Alex G song playing in those Squid Game edits Yoonchae watched. Megan idly wondis whether she'll be present if Yoonchae will ever have short black hair to run her hands and feel that silky soft Asian hair slightly in the gap between her fingers, getting disappointed when it ended too soon. She hoped that comes true. She also hoped that if it were true, she'd be the 1st one to do so.
"Harvey" came up through her phone speaker after a string of Spotify ads that she didn't know why they were still there, given that she could have purchased Spotify Premium a while ago. They sat cuddling while Alex G sang, each line like it's drawing out a piece of thought lodged at the back of their minds. Something something about friends and success, and Megan threaded her hand from the tippy top of Yoonchae's head at the faintest sound of an R syllable, twirling the tip of Yoonchae the Korean's hair at another soft "r" sound. She disregarded the very last line of "Harvey", never even considering giving up her career, not caring for her career for some love.
That night, they were cuddling again, Megan's collar a little damp and salty and smelling like Yoonchae's lavender shampoo. Megan's fists curled around her shirt — her own, to find something to hold onto and Yoonchae's to tell her that she can be the someone Yoonchae could hold onto. Yoonchae whispered in Korean, as if Nayoung was still there, which she wasn't; as if she was back in Seoul and in her parents' arms, which she wasn't. Megan never said anything, watching the rain clouds starting to form in Yoonchae's eyes again, standing in a torrential downpour without an umbrella because she knew clouds become heavy with cold droplets and need to pour them out at times. She stroked Yoonchae's back, nodded along to the broken Korean phrases she didn't quite understand, and stuffed her nose in Yoonchae's hair occasionally to hopefully give the grieving girl a sense of protection, from what exactly she didn't know. She whispered "it’s okay - 괜찮아요” into Yoonchae's ears after the downpour subsided to your typical Tuesday rain, and she didn't know if it made Yoonchae want to cry more or snuggle into Megan's collar, neck and sleep the pain away. All she knew was that when Yoonchae woke up the next day, she could see a rainbow blending in with the sun, supposedly called "괜찮아요," and the trickling rain. Weird. Megan had never seen the sun before
Megan started to find Yoonchae's eyes in every room she went to now; however, crowded it was, she was certain she could always spot a pair of chocolate eyes which shone with joy when they sensed a specific shade of hazel brown. The rainbow never seemed to disappear. Megan figured it was just that there were happy sunny days in time with the gloomy rainy ones. Sun and rain make rainbows; that was the kid-friendly version her mom told her when she got all sad about the rain to hype her up. There's actually a more scientific explanation for that, involving white light, which is just various shades mixed together, and water acting like a mirror. She didn't remember the explanation word-for-word, but she still got it. She told Yoonchae the rainbow thing once, omitting the fact that it only ever made sense to her, and Yoonchae corrected her while holding in her laugh because Megan was so confident that water droplets have a magic filter that makes the light rainbow. Yoonchae pulled out her sketchbook and started to explain in simple phrases, with doodles drawn in a second and a mechanical pencil as a pointer. They were laughing a lot, still carrying that energy with them when it was time to film a TikTok, in which one can still see Megan hyping up Yoonchae with the bubbliest laugh today.
Yoonchae’s eyes shone brighter than ever when she was called up for the debut lineup. Megan remembered the dramatic pounding in her ribcage turned into celebratory drumrolls for a bit, a part of her relieved that Yoonchae did it. It only turned into a full parade with trumpets and flags when her name was called right after, immediately running into Yoonchae's arms to prevent herself from crying on camera. She'd done it before and got complimented that she's a pretty crier, but she'd rather not show that right now. She was too overcome with happiness to fully make out what the last two pieces of KATSEYE were or to remember the first two that were called. All she cared about was Yoonchae in her arms, suffering the relentless chant of "I did it" and the phone call either she or her mom would make, a proud woman getting the same fate as Yoonchae.
(*)
It must have been the pre-debut stress that caused Megan to frown more and, logically, squint more. She noticed the inconsistency of the 7-coloured ribbon in Yoonchae's brown eyes, now complemented with her lighter brown hair that she conveniently got before Megan's ginger. The latter wasn't sure why she lashed out; she had never done that before. She sat in the salon thinking of a reason. The first thing that came to her mind was the metaphorical rainbow and sun and rain, all so inconsistent, especially then. Megan recalled the rainbow towering over the fireball and the bundle of water sometimes. She thought of the other times when the cloud was kind of struggling to hide it at all. Megan came to the conclusion that Yoonchae is somehow emotionally unstable, and it's best to leave her alone for her to deal with her own Yoonchae-land unusually weather forecast.
She still found Yoonchae's eyes everywhere, but she avoided them like the plague. Not until Yoonchae sorted her stuff out, she comforted herself. She still found Yoonchae following her like a lost puppy sometimes, hiding even more like a lost puppy with a tail between its legs when Megan gave her a withering look that turned full of guilt when the older turned away with a huff. Yoonchae was making this harder for both of them. Megan tried not to notice the grey rainclouds starting to cover the sun in her eyes anymore. They were turning into storm clouds, thundering every time Megan miserably ignored the confused Korean with a lightning bolt, probably striking Yoonchae with something unpleasant. She still saw the rainbow there, which proved her point that Yoonchae was still able to act lovingly one second and drill into her heart with a specialized drill the next. That's what she concluded, or rather, assumed.
Yoonchae cornered Megan behind a dumpster one day after Sophia tried countless times to build the bridge to their making up. The thunder made Yoonchae's voice a little shaky, words coming out in frustrated breaths:
"Do you... Do you hate me?" Megan thought Yoonchae had almost screamed. She gulped down the guilt lumping in her throat, shaking her head. Yoonchae then questioned why she was avoiding her, and if they had any problems, they would need to sort it now, by the dumpsters with fly buzzing around and stray cats digging in the trash for moral support.
"Or else we'd ruin the group image if we went on camera." Yoonchae hissed. Megan scrunched her nose at the foul smell and the fact that Yoonchae spoke exactly like management.
She went with brief answers, like she would do when things get bad, and she wanted to avoid dealing with them. That's exactly what she told Yoonchae, word for word, syllable for syllable. She'd actually have so much more to tell, but she never found the right words despite technically cramming Yoonchae's book, so she just watched Yoonchae walk away, heart lighter than Megan would ever know just from a quick "sorry" she blurted out. How things have changed. Yoonchae walked away with a heavier mood and suitcase, the first time she did that.
They kinda went back to normal with hectic choreo practicing and pre-debut content filming. They were slowly getting used to the industrial life. They, as in Megan and Yoonchae, also went back to normal with their nightly cuddling and falling asleep to the barely there hum of music, shuffling from wave to earth to Mitski in a second because, of course, they had a shared playlist so they could share the moment together. The sun was there more, the rainbow shone brighter than ever, probably because Megan hung out with her more often. The older girl had been looking in the mirror more lately, mindlessly staring at her pathetic reflection and feeling worry creeping from her hazed eyes, through her contacts and consuming her body whole. She'd start to see the rainbow in her own eyes as well. She still thought it was the soon-to-come pressure, making her anxious about her appearance even off-camera. It could also be the cause of the rainbow, glad and sad days blurring together, causing the rainbow to appear. She watched Yoonchae's rainbow be more colourful than ever when she was with her and saw her own do so, too, through the dimmed phone screen.
Megan truly felt that their minds had become one, rainbows rainbow-ing and thunder thundering at the same time. She imagined vividly hearing and feeling the thumping heart vibrating against her body when they cuddled. Megan also felt the blinding lightning striking down at her that came with the pounding heart afterward. She'd been hanging out too much with Yoonchae to catch the unpredictable weather conditions. Not like she minded the unusual climate of Mei-Chae-Land.
Yoonchae did a very good job of hiding the rainbow. In concept shoots, MV filmings, and livestreams, Megan didn't see it through the barrier called the screen. She managed to wipe the rain clouds away for a while, even the sun, only showing the determined star to the eyes of the public. Megan, on the other hand, still felt it blinking below her contacts even with contacts on and even through her phone... It probably wasn't the screen; it was Yoonchae on her own
Megan winced at the harshness of the phone screen, but in a blink, she spotted herself and Yoonchae looking at the stars in the LA night sky. It had been a particularly bad day; the power going out meant they had to practice in the sweltering heat and with "Sophia's static the music through the phone speaker. Electricity hadn't come back on yet, so Megan and Yoonchae snuck up to the roof to take advantage of the temperature drop at night. It was a city-wide power cut, hence the streetlights weren't taking the spotlight from the stars and constellations. Rain clouds took over Yoonchae's eyes again, only ever dissolving slowly when the stars reflected in the dark backdrop of those grey clouds.
They sat on the picnic blanket pooling around. Megan was holding Yoonchae's hands to trace the invisible lines of the constellations. Yoonchae looked at Megan in awe, observing the sky above them like she wanted to capture the inner extent of the whole outer space with a million more stars Megan could point out to her. She snickered gleefully, telling Megan that it was her first time stargazing like that. Megan, the former laughed along, agreed along, telling Yoonchae that she's lucky and that she would do anything to experience the first time again.
A shooting star flew by; Megan shook Yoonchae the way one would shake a rattle, urging her to make a wish. Yoonchae did, closing her eyes and muttering something in Korean under her breath. Megan did too, her mind wishing for Yoonchae to see constellations for the first time again. The thought came to her in a fleeting haze, like a shooting star. Megan figured that with how fast they come and go, there'd be more shooting stars to wish for more serious stuff.
When she opened her eyes, Yoonchae's face was closer than ever. It was getting a little chilly, so naturally they drifted closer for body heat. The older sucked in a breath, daring herself to look straight into the other's eyes. It was truly like what she wanted; the stars glimmered in Yoonchae's eyes with a new light she had never seen before. She thought it was the Seoul sky instead of LA's, offering a whole new point of view. She also thought about how close Sagittarius and Aquarius might be in a shrunken-down version of the galaxy.
It was also the first time she saw the sun up close. It had a little ginger tint, as radiant as ever. The sun had something, a product tag, if she may call it, evidently spelling MEGAN.
Yoonchae's sun was Megan. Maybe it wasn’t even a sun at all, just Megan’s bubbly self reflecting off Yoonchae’s eyes all this time. It told her more or less about the wish she was going to ask about. She'd become more accustomed to assuming, letting the fact that the cake needed time to bake first. The story about the rainbow clicked after 5 hard seconds of thinking. It all clicked, tracing back to the minute hint of 7 colours in her childhood photos. She still asked about the wish anyway. A pang of guilt immediately hitting her when Yoonchae's face shifted a bit, presumably with uncertainty.
She scooted closer to Megan, if that was possible, pillowing her head on the cotton of Megan's t-shirt, saying she's unsure whether she should tell. The older and kinda wiser girl didn't want to ruin the wish for Yoonchae, but her nosiness got the better of her. She told Yoonchae that it was okay, that whatever wish it was, Megan would definitely help her achieve it.
It was Yoonchae's turn to look Megan in the eye, rainbow and sun co-existing, the brightness overwhelming. She breathed out a shaky "I love you - 사랑해요”, clutching Megan's hand as if the world would collapse if she ever admitted to it. Megan knew all about celebrity life, or at least more than Yoonchae. She knew love was a risky factor, especially given their status as mere coworkers in the next 5 to 7 years.
Megan finally understood why Alex G sang "I love you, Harvey, I don't care." All she wanted was not to care, to tell Yoonchae she loved her too, so so much. She did eventually, running her hands through Yoonchae's waist-length brown hair, and snorted when Yoonchae said she was the first to do so.
"What's so funny?" Yoonchae asked between laughs and sobs. Megan told her about the silent wishes and prayers while wrapped like burritos in the Dream Academy dorm rooms. She found it ironic that she didn't really need a shooting star for wanting trivial stuff like that. Yoonchae listened attentively; tears had dried on her cheeks. Her fingers drifted to Megan's fresh ginger locks, brushing away her bangs and looked, really looked into her eyes. She said they glow, like a cat's.
"You see things others don't."
She brought Megan's fingers to her hair again.
"Because your eyes, they have light. Like a cat's eye when it's dark."
They laughed for real this time, Yoonchae not questioning why it's funny anymore.
A tear rolled from Yoonchae's right eye from the hysterical laughing, all the way to the corner of her lips. Megan swiped her thumb over the salty droplet, accidentally brushing the brunette's upper lip. They froze a bit, both feeling a shiver run down their spine. There would have been a lot more shivers caused by the howling night wind if Megan didn't pull Yoonchae into a heated kiss right then and there, adrenaline pumping through her veins. The younger let out an involuntary whimper before tilting her head to deepen the kiss, clutching Megan's collar to pull her closer, feeling their heartbeats in sync. No words in Yoonchae’s Oxford-approved book or Megan’s Internet slang vocabulary could describe this feeling, the feeling of cupping Yoonchae’s cheeks in her hand and almost toppling just because they kissed.
Megan wondered why she was still awake hours and a lot of kisses later when they should have worn her out. She cursed the extra cup of iced coffee that she definitely did not need and only forced it down to deal with the unbearable heat. She wondered how many more sleepless nights she could take. Megan just lay there, listening to each and every heavy breath, her heart thumping in her chest from the caffeine she just acknowledged or from the fact that she just got a girlfriend. Yoonchae's words I wished for you to be my girlfriend and her worried demeanor replayed in Megan's head again & again.
Megan sat up and walked to the mirror to wash her face, which was supposed to make her feel more awake when she needed to sleep, but still splashed the cold water. She took another good look at her own sun in her eyes, which was just blended in with the lighter shade of brown than Yoonchae’s and the same shade as Yoonchae’s hair. She finally saw what Yoonchae meant by her eyes glowing.
There she was on the bed again, damp face facing down, caffeinated mind still working. Yoonchae was the eye of Korea in Katseye. Megan doubted K-netizens would have actually seen them if it hadn't been for Yoonchae. Megan didn't doubt that there were better people readers than her, possibly immediately getting a grasp of the story behind them. A relationship wasn't their top priority then. They would have still fallen in love nonetheless—it's a canon event, but a relationship made things official, preventing questionable flings by "but we aren't anything for you to stop me!" Megan explained that to Yoonchae, letting the girl choose for herself. It could have been a rookie mistake, but they were still young, still growing, and had a whole life ahead of them.
Megan dozed off to the thought of being Yoonchae's eyes in a new life, letting her see and experience all of it for herself.
(*)
That was not even a comeback ago.
Once again, Megan wondered why she was still awake late at night, lots of hours counting up to the thousands and lots of kisses numbering up to the hundreds after their first one back when Yoonchae's hair was still chocolate milk brown and Megan's hair was still squarely chopped at the bangs. She looked back and felt ridiculous, both for the look and the fact that she didn't turn Yoonchae down right then and there. But in retrospect, she didn't feel ridiculous at all when the hair chemicals made her scalp burn a bit or when Yoonchae's teary eyes looked right through her.
She's trying not to cry into her pillow again because a girl broke up with her for the exact reason she had anticipated. Yoonchae sat her down with her new, or old, black hair and all the willpower it took the younger to not explode right then and there that she thinks they should break up.
"Your eyes, no, your face in general is too transparent. It doesn't really hide anything, y'know."
She bridged that to the time Yoonchae called her eyes cat-like. She saw it all, really. It must have been really transparent. Megan wouldn't be one to downgrade Yoonchae’s people-reading skills right now even though she was literally her ex who broke her heart. Megan had every right to hate Yoonchae, but she had no reason to. She didn't do anything especially bad to Megan; even their breakup wasn't a fight. It was voices laced with guilt and hurt, tears, tears, more tears, and a lot of tears. They just didn't quite see eye to eye on stuff anymore. Megan attributed the hair to why she had "changed". The brown was soft, the black was sharper on the edges.
She cried her eyes out into the pillow anyway, ruining the Stitch pillowcase Yoonchae bought for her. She scolded herself for still acting like a little teenage girl, definitely not for soaking Yoonchae's gift. She thought she had matured, that this thing wasn't worth crying over.
Was she really that mature, when the best memories of their relationship were raging over 8-year-olds on Roblox, sitting on the swings trying to go as high as possible and balance their ice cream simultaneously, or suggesting the most absurd ways to test the purple theory, then ended up kissing anyway. But if the relationship wasn't hashtagged #mature and #serious, did it need to hurt that much?
TikTok didn't seem to help. Every scroll was either Meichae edits showing Megan exactly what Yoonchae meant, Yoonchae, or Roblox stuff that reminded her of Yoonchae, or Megan edits with captions claiming to be her number 1 lover when in reality she knew the true one and only Meganluvr there was, is, and probably will be was a hallway away. She could be crying and grieving like Megan was, or she could just feel a little sad and move on later, because she was right and this was the sensible thing to do. Manon's right about TikTok bringing harm. She's also right about her FYP, which was bringing Megan harm.
Megan'll never know how many more nights lying wide awake and spiraling, then waking up feeling the lack of sleep in her bones when she goes to rehearsal, then coming back later after the sky turns pitch dark because there are no stars no more to another sleepless night because she simply cannot avoid Yoonchae. Megan made a note not to say her wishes out loud. She should have known better than letting Yoonchae do that.
Megan felt touch-starved. She needed hugs and cuddles to at least distract her from her inner turmoil but the specific person she wanted wasn’t there by her side tracing the lines of her own Stitch pillowcase anymore. She had to make do with piles of blankets even though it was literally summer, the heat stifling.
(*)
The worst thing to ever happen was that she knew loving Yoonchae was the best choice she could have ever chosen. She would run to Yoonchae again and again if she had the chance to. The second worst thing to ever happen was that she knew Yoonchae knew too, followed by the third, which was her knowing Yoonchae still loved her. Those "Meichae moment compilations" still popped up on her YouTube feed, the thumbnail utilizing red circles with bold white letters and blurred backgrounds, only leaving the two of them made Megan desperately want to click in and show Yoonchae for a good laugh. Her TikTok FYP still suggested her Meichae edits from the new moments they had on tour. Megan had to bite back the urge to like, favourite, and repost because it would definitely show up on Yoonchae's TikTok and Yoonchae would know she was missing them when she was maintaining a poker face and friendly attitude around her ex. Her Tumblr dash, because why would Megan not have Tumblr still showed her those overanalyzing Meichae posts, tagged with #everything is meichae if you squint. Megan thanked every god there is about Yoonchae not using Tumblr. Their relationship wouldn’t have lasted an hour if she did. They really had an eye for details. Her Spotify still played the soft wave to earth songs during shuffle from their shared playlist because she never bothered to come back to her old ones.
They remained good friends, of course. But at times, Megan and Yoonchae both try to read the other's eyes, silently saying things that had been left unsaid and praying that telepathy somehow worked and they didn't have to make texting work.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, Eyekons caught on with this desperate attempt to communicate and named it "eye fucking" affectionately. There had been more instances of this than Megan thought. Every little bit of eye contact ( she needed to stop lying to herself. The bits weren’t little at all whenever they “eye fucked”. She felt like she was lost in Yoonchae's eyes again, finding her way out only to find out that the light at the end of the tunnel was fake, caused by contacts) was called eye fucking. She thought it was because of the smile practically glued to their faces at the moment. That didn't make them any less genuine.
The eye-fucking behaviour continued on and on and on, going through Beautiful Chaos, onto Lolla and into their new era Wild. The video of Yoonchae in that pink hoodie with that smirk of hers stayed on Megan's FYP for days. Megan still liked and favourited out of habit, having kicked the reposting habit because the little box saying "mei has reposted" will catch Yoonchae's eyes first.
Megan had been forcing fan service with Daniela lately, not so much interested in the comments praising Beautiful Chaos era Meichae for being "natural" and "not forced", which felt less like one because they weren't wrong. Interacting with Yoonchae made her wish the comments were still right about them not forcing themselves to give fans content. Once again, the Eyekons live up to the "Eye" in their names, immediately hitting the nail on Megan's outfit-repeating show-rewatching leftover-reheating head. They docked that Megan leaning over to mock a kissing motion and calling Daniela her girlfriend were eerily similar to "Me and Yoonchae kiss all the time" and "Yoonchae's my girlfriend, you can't take her from me!". Someone on Tumblr who might or might not be the anonymous user with "everything is Meichae if you squint" tag on Tumblr even said that Daniela stepping on Megan was HYBE reheating the hurt-Megan nachos from the Gabriela MV in the Iconic By Mistake MV.
Megan didn't know if she was iconic, but she definitely made a mistake. Yoonchae's private but not really a secret wild fiery jealousy in those eyes spread to Megan like, well, wildfire. Yoonchae had been spending too much time at Karlee's place, making too many TikToks that come Right Back, biting at Megan's ass while Yoonchae's got smacked at by Eunchae. Megan saw red, and then realized she could do nothing. Pros of not being an item: you can't do anything about questionable flings. Cons of not being an item: you can't do anything about questionable flings.
Korea promotions came and went, one blink, and they were gone from Seoul. Australia had Megan and Yoonchae coincidentally taking a walk on Bondi Beach at the same time. Australian streetlights weren't as blinding or ubiquitous as LA's, but they still overtook the starry sky, leaving only a black dome over their heads. Yoonchae has literally "lost her spark"—Megan couldn't seem to locate the stars in her eyes anymore, despite the experience she had with stargazing. They weren't shining. Megan supposed she’d “lost her spark” because the light in Yoonchae’s eyes wasn’t reflecting off her anymore. Megan blurted out an “I miss you” and got a sound of agreement from Yoonchae. They both thought, without knowing the other was thinking about the same thing, that they could just make out to make up, under the dim street light of Bondi Beach. But the damage was irrevocable. Megan didn’t really know what Yoonchae’s lips felt like anymore.
A fan caught them together, strolling around, and asked for pictures. Yoonchae’s eyes were red around the rim, maybe having cried a little at the fact that she actually missed Megan and missed them together.
They coincidentally did a live together, Yoonchae and Lara intruding Megan’s if she were to be frank, where stuff like “me and Yoonchae are much more closer than y’all think” and the grand reveal that Megan’s laptop wallpaper was a picture of them because Megan was still living in the past, evident from her YouTube feed, her TikTok FYP, her Tumblr dash and her Spotify go-to playlist. She saw a shooting star whizzing by in Yoonchae’s eyes and just wished where she was living was the present and not the past.