Chapter Text
Selene liked to think she was as normal as a girl could be. She went to church as much as possible, she dressed well and in as long as skirts could be without touching the ground, she was as educated as anyone could be at her age, she sang in her church choir, she had a supportive community and mother, she was what every girl wanted to be when they described herself as pure.
But her whole life, something felt off. Selene never felt right in her torso once puberty hit, she never fully agreed with her Pastor's teachings, she never liked the way adults and boys gawked at her some days even though it was a compliment. But she learned it'd be best not to question.
…
“Mother? Would you still love me if I were born a boy?” Selene asked once when she was five, she had been walking home from an Easter Sunday event.
“Of course I would, you're my baby no matter what you're born as.”
She asked her mother this again when she was eleven. Six years. She still thought about it.
A harsh smack to the left of her face.
“Don't ask such things again! You know what The Father would say.”
But I didn't ask him, she would think. He did not birth her or give proper love, she would think.
…
At age three, Selene learned the hard way to not ask too many repetitive questions. It made the slap pale in comparison.
“Father? What would be my fate once I am older?”
“You'd marry someone in the church, and you would give an offering to our God. You will have at least one child, you'd be happy.”
“But what will I do after the child is mine?”
“You will mother.”
“Why can't I father?”
That question caused anger, for reasons she knew at eleven but not three, and she was injured badly. Her left arm was left disabled after that incident.
…
At fourteen, her mother tried to pull her out of school. Selene argued, and raged. She disobeyed God.
“Girls are only allowed schooling until they're fourteen! You know that, Selene!”
“I don't care! I have friends, I have good grades, I do this all on my own! I refuse to drop out! I just want a normal education!”
“Selene, you take those words back!”
“No!”
Her mother never took her out of school. She ran away from home and the Church that summer and only came back in late August, her friends’ parents kicked her out. She felt too guilty leaving. The outcome wasn't pretty.
Her left eye was more blind than the other, getting a proper prescription was difficult.
…
“Our God has plans for all of us, to go against them is to deny God and damn your soul.”
“The Quiet Rapture approaches, with that in our minds and hearts every year we encourage best behavior so that not a soul is to be left behind when we are accepted to God's paradise.”
“It is unbelievable, that despite how many times it will be preached against, people will turn to sin and become homosexuals, transsexuals, anti-reproduction. This church, this home, will not stand for it.”
“The Blood God calls, demanding a yearly sacrifice. Everyone is encouraged to draw blood this year.”
“If one leaves this sacred home, they do not value their life. They will die without us. They will be cursed by God and will not be able to find salvation unless they return home.”
“Amen.”
She wished the Church didn't fill with that word to the brim.
She wished she didn't say it too.
…
When she was six, there was a carnival held at the church so more people joined. Selene went with her mother every year. They stopped at a fortune teller that night.
“When you are grown, you will flee from some place horrid. You will search for salvation. It will be found in due time, and you will have a great recovery. There will be an angel that finds you, and that angel will be yours for a long time to come.”
For as long as she's been alive since then, it's echoed in her mind.
…
At fifteen, she was still going to school. She'd lie to her mother and her church that she was going around, doing activities in public to appease God and get people interested for hours, five days a week. Her mother never pulled her out, and this was her best way to go.
A few days, she stayed out later than usual. She didn't tell anyone but she was learning even more than she was supposed to. Her councilors had a club for people looking to be teachers. She decided she'd attend for some time to understand better what she wanted to be after graduating.
She realized quickly, she wanted to teach for as long as she could.
On weekends, she opened tutoring to secondary students. It was convenient, she got out of the house and could say she was appeasing God all at once.
This worked until the summer she was seventeen. Her mother's friend who was a wedding priestess in the church found out and told the pastor.
It was one of the worst punishments she's ever had, there was a large scar on her left cheek. Thankfully, it healed by the time she was supposed to start up school again.
Her mother still didn't pull her out.
…
Selene could still remember when she was first allowed in the sacred Garden. Seven years old, bright eyed, as innocent as you could've been after being disabled four years beforehand.
The greens were beautiful, it was the most colorful place she's ever seen. Everything else was white and brown and boring. The garden was enchanting.
In the center of it all, a large glorious tree that almost surpassed even the roof somehow. The tree of God. The tree that they sacrificed to.
…
She somehow managed to graduate school, she didn't remember or know how but she was grateful she did.
A teacher recommended a few colleges she should enter, she had scholarships to pursue at multiple different places. Her first question was “What was farthest from Eden?” and not “What would Eden think?”
She decided on California. Hail Mary University. It sounded nice, and the scholarship there provided a free dorm for the first year, she could work with that.
“The name makes it sound religious, it's not though.”
“I know. Named after the famous science project, wasn't it?”
“Smart girl.”
…
Mid seventeen, Selene had asked the tree in the garden for guidance. What was she to do? Everyday was worse than the last the more she stayed. She knew there was an identity blooming in her the Church wouldn't allow, she could feel it. But her future, her life here, it would be doomed if she accepted it.
“Flee.”
“When you are grown, you will flee from some place horrid.”
That night, she did exactly that. She fled.
The following days and weeks, a voice echoed in her ears. She was a sinner, she was going to die alone, God would resent her, if the Quiet Rapture was today tomorrow or the next she'd burn with everyone else instead of being in paradise.
The voice kept talking and mocking, like a killer eel screeching at and for prey. She named the voice Ellie.
“Ellie, I'm not a scared fourteen year old anymore. I'm leaving and that's final!” Selene growled one night when she couldn't sleep and Ellie was too loud.
…
At eight years old, Selene had doubted her identity. Her mother said it was normal, she was developing because of puberty. As long as she remembered who she was and what she stood for above all else, she was still Selene.
Just in case, she made up a world where she was a boy and the world was better that way. In that world, she wasn't Selene Butcher. She was Simon, just Simon. And Simon was everything she was not.
Why Simon?
She liked her S. There were three special letters, they spelled SIN. If they were in the name, maybe she'd forget about the idea of being a boy.
She didn't, not once. But the reason for liking the name Simon changed over time.
…
At eighteen she was going to college for teaching, her scholarship being for art. She already had a steady job by then and had made a good schedule two weeks in advance, everything was going okay.
Ellie still nagged, she still visited church albeit secretly, she kept in contact with her mother because it felt wrong not to, but that was normal by now. Everything would turn out fine in the end.
“You will search for salvation. It will be found in due time.”
Slowly, she stopped being called Selene. She stopped introducing herself as Selene. Butcher stayed, for her mother.
Once, she was Selene Butcher. Daughter of Eden. Graduating class of the late 2000s, the wise girl with scholarships to multiple schools because they all wanted to be higher in ranks with gifted kids. Future teacher Ms. Selene Butcher.
Now, she was a he. He was Simon Butcher. Ex-son of Eden. The smart guy with scholarships to multiple schools that wanted to be number one. Future teacher Mr. Simon Butcher.
Teachers forgot who Selene was, students never met her. They only knew Simon.
At one point, he cut his hair shorter. It was experimental, he cut it himself, and it was only four inches which was basically nothing when your hair went to the mid thigh, but it was so…Freeing, euphoria inducing, life changing. He knew then that he had to cut it shorter, and he paid a friend twenty bucks to do it for him. It ended up being slightly layered and shoulder length, thank everything he loved for cosmetology students.
…
At nineteen Simon started binding for the first time, it was a friend's old binder they gave him since they were moving out of town and going through old things, it was a bit big. They told him to think about it like a dog collar, if it fits just right then when the pup grows into it the poor thing could choke out. If it's bigger then it's better for growing into. Simon hoped he didn't have to grow into it, he preferred this size being one too big.
Simon eventually went through his closet sometime the next month, a friend named Ava helped. She gave him advice of what to get rid of, what should stay. When it came to dresses however, most were from before he left. He couldn't toss them.
“What if I have kids one day? They could use the dresses, if it's what they like.”
“You could reuse the fabrics?”
“I don't know how to sew.”
“You'd think they'd try to teach you that if they want you a stereotypical woman.”
“Hand-me-downs weren't allowed to be ruined in any way, I guess they just thought it was pointless.”
“Probably.”
…
At twenty-one Simon graduated, but Ava encouraged him to keep going with her so they could get as many degrees as they could.
Ellie kept scolding him for not thinking of her as a romantic partner option after so long.
Ava eventually convinced him to also take therapy for everything. From his childhood to finally cutting off the Church members, it hurt the most to cut off his mom.
…
At twelve years old, the pastor told them how sinful it was to like the same gender. How God would find you irredeemable for it, like it was a divine hate crime.
Selene hated that preach more than any of the others so far, she didn't know why.
A few weeks later, The Father preached against wanting to change your gender and how it was one of the most horrible ways to betray God. That night she cried in her bed over it, it hurt.
To this day, Simon cried about it.
…
At twenty-two Simon became a teacher, Ava was older than him and had more experience and despite all odds she managed to become a principal so soon. She never told him how, he didn't care to know. He was just glad she managed to do it, even if it seemed statistically and realistically impossible.
They worked at different schools for a good while. A good while being a few months. He quit his first school faster than he'd like to admit, he just couldn't deal with those chaos junkie kids. One of them tried to break his nose over a test that was state mandated.
Ava managed to get him hired at her middle school shortly after.
…
At nine years old, Selene had cried over a boy for the first time until her mother smacked her. The boy was kicked out of the church with his family because they had been too questioning, too out of line, too disgraceful. The boy was what Selene thought was the love of her life.
At twenty-three years old, Simon found himself doing that again for the first time in years but the second time in his life. He had fallen in love with the same gender, he was a sinner all over again, Ellie was eating him alive for it. He didn't tell his therapist. Not yet.
…
“There will be an angel that finds you, and that angel will be yours for a long time to come.”
Simon thought about that everyday, and for a while he thought that part was a lie.
But when he met a dirty blond man with bright lace agate eyes, puff pastry skin, square esque glasses, a tall and lanky yet still decently built build, he understood what the woman ment by angel. This was what Eden preached about taking them away when the Quiet Rapture came.
He was a lucky man to be able to wake up to this ethereal being every morning at twenty-seven.
“Morning, Si…I made breakfast, want me to bring a plate..?”
“Mmrph…No, I'll be up in a bit..”
Simon didn't think he'd make it to nineteen, let alone twenty-seven, but now that he had this going for him…He would like it even more if he made it to ninety with the man of his dreams, Ryland Grace.
The alarm went off, the song was different today. It was Hozier. Probably Ryland's doing, he'd been liking his music a lot lately.
“Si..,” The other started from the other room.
“I'm getting up, I'm getting up…Be right there, angel."