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Hermione didn’t mean for Severus to find out in the middle of the Weasley Christmas, but when the treacle tart turned her stomach and Ginny saw she drank water instead of wine there was no stopping the outburst. Heads turned, people gasped, and congratulations rang out. Severus bore it in good grace, but she could see that he was upset.
It isn’t until later at home that she is able to get him alone.
“I wanted to surprise you,” she says. “But not like that. I just found out two days ago.”
“I’m not… I’m not upset with how I found out,” he assures her. “You did nothing wrong.”
“But you’re unhappy.”
“I’m not unhappy, I just… I thought we’d have more time.”
“Sev, we’ve been trying for nearly a year.” Her brow furrows and then her throat feels tight. “Are you… are you having second thoughts about having children?”
“No,” he reassures her immediately, looking stricken. “No, Hermione, Merlin no, I am… I am so excited for this next chapter, I just… At this point, I didn’t expect any of my… issues to resurface. It took me by surprise.”
She takes his hand and leads him to the couch where she lays with her head in his lap. The position keeps her from seeing his face clearly while his fingers stroke through her curls in a grounding motion. It was the best way for Severus to be vulnerable with her, even if it peeved her at times.
“Which issue,” she prompts eventually.
His fingers run more firmly against her scalp. “Being enough.”
“For me? Or for the baby?”
“Both,” he says softly. “I know it probably sounds absurd to you, but it feels utterly wrong to devote myself to someone other than you, duck. But then I think about this tiny life that we’ve made, this little half-you and I am consumed with the need to give them everything I never had.”
Hermione blinks back the tears. “Severus Snape, I don’t know if I’ve ever met a man with the capacity to love as deeply as you do. You most certainly are and will continue to be enough for me and our baby. Exactly as you are.”
He looks down at her then, his hand moving to stroke over her cheek. She can see something lingering still behind his eyes.
“What else is bothering you?”
He blinks and looks away. “Utter selfishness and I already hate myself for it.”
“I would still like to know it.”
She watches his Adam’s apple bob.
“If this is how I feel,” he starts carefully. “Then I imagine you must feel similarly. And I… Merlin, this is so bloody pathetic, but I’ve never been first. Anywhere. Ever. I’ve always had to compete. Until you.” He clears his throat. “I don’t want to compete again. I know that’s not—I know it shouldn’t—Of course the baby comes first. I even want him or her to be first. I just…” He trails off with a helpless sort of shrug.
“You’re wrong.” Hermione sits up and readjusts so that she’s straddling his lap and takes his face in her hands. “Look at me.”
He does and she kisses him lightly before pulling back.
“We are the foundation of our family, Sev. Everything stems from our relationship and so we must continue to invest in and nourish it. Sure, sometimes it will look like the other is last because children are hyper-dependent little beings, but the rest and the recharge is here.” She kisses him. “The support is here.” Another kiss. “The reminder that we are still functioning human beings with roles other than mom and dad is here.” Another kiss that lingers. “The witness to our child that mom and dad can be sickeningly in love while still being mom and dad is here.” One last kiss. “I already love our child with my whole heart but you, love, you will always be my very soul.”
“I’ll never understand what I’ve done to deserve you, you brilliant woman.”
“You were you, Severus,” she says with a smile. “And that’s not my own brilliance at work I’m afraid. I asked Molly for advice—she’s got quite a bit of experience, after all.”
“She didn’t try to peddle making our own Quidditch team, did she?”
“Of course she did,” Hermione laughs. “The woman loves babies.”
She leans forward to rest her head on his shoulder. They sit in a comfortable silence, his hand stroking slowly up and down her back. Eventually her stomach will be too large to make such a position possible. Eventually a tiny baby will fill the silence with all sorts of babbling and shrieks. That will be beautiful. But that is then. Tonight they soak up the now.