Chapter Text
I never understood why war is romanticized with such passion.
Generals and commanders in fiction call it glorious, the heroic act of devoting one's body to the motherland, a symbol of loyalty and manhood.
Perhaps the true reason people enlist is to prove themselves, escape poverty, or their own families.
Admittedly, I can't really have a say on the matter for a specific reason.
That is, I rarely saw my father.
He works from the crack of dawn until the rise of the moon's side breast in a factory far away from our home.
When I do see him, he is nothing but a violent shadow.
He deposits all his frustration and anger on my mother, and when he stands before me, he lets nothing out but words of disapproval, calling me feminine and weak.
This lasts for a while, leaving behind the trace of his painful, shameful roar.
It makes me want to flee, yell, confront him, do anything but stand there doing nothing, but I can't bring myself to do so.
Not with the soft gaze of my mother pulling me back down to earth.
I used to hold her tight and whisper words of comfort until tears had stopped running down her cheeks.
She promised that one day, I would find light.
Love without fear and pain.
I recall smiling warmly at her and kissing her head.
-“I certainly hope so.”
It rarely got better outside of the house.
Children lied about their age to serve in the war, being oblivious to the fact that their innocence and joy would vanish as soon as they set foot on those trenches.
As long as they met the requirements, officers didn't really care.
I wasn't stupid. I knew that at some point, it would be my turn as well, whether I wanted to or not.
I just begged that it wouldn't arrive tomorrow.
That I could enjoy the sunshine without the foul stench of death trailing close behind me for one more day.
Ever since I was a child, the soft rustle of leaves and the chant of birds have always lured me with a force I had never wanted to escape.
Until I was forced to.
My father was drafted a few months before me, and I've heard no news of him until I was enlisted some weeks ago.
I was sure that I had a solid idea of what the scenery would be like, but I was then faced with horrors beyond my comprehension.
Death seemed to work as hard as each one of us, leaving traces of blood and a foul stench everywhere you went.
If you had spoken to somebody the night before, they could be dead by morning.
I've tried my best not to get attached, but I can't help it; it seems to me that more souls have been lost than lives at this point.
The British army sees us as cattle rather than men, and I find this the saddest of it all.
Are we not human beings as well?
Some have refused to wear gas masks or fall victim to snipers.
On my part, I was injured by a bullet, yet it seems irrelevant compared to all the bodies scattered across the battlefield.
I'm aware that if it ever gets infected, I'll join them in a few days, if not a shorter span.
I would like nothing more than to see my mother's smile one more time.
For her to hold me in her arms.
Still, I have accepted my fate. I know I won't make it out of here alive, not at the rate at which people who even arrived after me are falling like leaves in autumn.
I hope she knows she was loved dearly, and that if she feels worried for me, these thoughts will reach her.
Our platoon commander, David Bowie, has whispered to me in the night that he feels trapped, that we're stuck, and that they're in the same situation as we are, both desperate, cold, and hungry.
He's the only one I have truly formed a lasting bond with.
He is a wise man, which certainly does not belong on a battleground, but on a stage, reciting his insight to a hypnotized crowd.
He did not deserve this fate, none of us.
When it all feels hopeless, he reminds me to find beauty even in our darkest moments.
-“I know it doesn't look like it, laddie, but this will come to an end. All bad things do, at some point. We probably won't be here to see it, but peace will rise once again.”
I shrug and blow hot air in the cold of night.
-“I find it hard to believe. All this cruelty, it just sickens me to my very core, David.”
He chuckled and closed his eyes.
-“Then just do, even if it doesn't seem logical. If you lose hope, youll be as crazy as each one of those soldiers.”
Suddenly, the arrival of Christmas, just a day away, doesn't feel like it should.